Gilbert gottfried

I was the class podiatrist. I never made it to class clown. I wasn't funny enough. I would examine feet and prescribe and ointment. It was a sad childhood.

If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.

My two sisters shared a bedroom, and I slept in the dining room. There were no dividers or anything to make it look like a bedroom. There was just a small bed right next to the dining-room table. I...

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

I always try to avoid anything that has to do with my life.

If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'

I've never understood people who say they're not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he's not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?

My family originally lived in Brooklyn. Our first apartment was a little place above my father and uncle's hardware store in Coney Island. Now, don't get the impression that we were surrounded by...

I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.

I used to go to the Improvisation Comedy Club every night in Times Square. How I didn't get killed in that area either means that 1) God is watching over me or 2) I am so insignificant to God that he...