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Children often get stuck in the middle of couples arguing, tell us a bit about
that. I think the real negative impact on children
is when they experience a high level of conflictual arguing, and they experience
a lot of it. It's again the negative to positive balance. The other way in which,
it can be harmful to children, is when they hear, they
hear really wounding things going back and forth, and they also, also can feel caught
in a loyalty battle. They feel like they are
having to take sides, they feel they have to
defend one parent and then they hate the other parent for doing that, and so they end
up feeling very angry or very lost. And how damaging is it if they think they
are the object of those arguments? One of the things that we have to recognise
about children, depending on their age but almost all children, of all ages will
to some degree feel this, that they are the cause of it.
They feel because they feel, they could sort it out. If they were better, or more
loveable or didn't cause any problems in the house at all, then their parents lives
would be easier, and they would not have the arguing parents that they have.
That's particularly true the younger the child, the younger children are. But, it's
true for all children, because children are basically egocentric, and they feel that
family life revolves around them, to a large degree they are right. So, they would be
very hard put for them to think that they don't have a contribution to this. Either
to make it better or that they are making it worse.
Is there anything that parents in this situation, could keep in mind to help?
There is good arguing and there is bad arguing, and I think couples, who manage it well,
are people who have boundaries around their arguments so they don't, there are certain
things you do not say because if you say them you
can't ever make somebody feel ok about it. You also, another good arguing strategy is
that you take time out, so you monitor when you are getting out of control and you actually,
kind of, stay away from the thing that is stimulating you.
So you can manage your argument, so that the children don't see it getting out of control.
You also, don't have to do your arguing in front of the children. I mean they often know
when the arguments are going on, but if they are right there, it makes them feel part
of it and feel that they are somehow instrumental in making it better or worse. So, you know
arguing, especially heatedly in front of them, is a bit risky. It's not to say you can't
do it, but that it's just a bit risky.
But also showing them that you make up and soothing them through, and showing them it's
possible to make up, is another way in which children can learn, that arguing is not such
a terrible thing. But the other thing to say about good arguing,
which, if there is such a thing as good arguing, is that there is another side
to the process, which is you argue and then you
think about it and make amends. If you don't make amends, in someway the argument never
feels like it's finished. That there is anything
that you've learned from it. So sometimes couples, can do it,
can do it verbally or they can do it non verbally, but there is usually a step that shows, this
has been wounding, or I have hurt, or I have thought
about something, where there is a coming together, and that
couples can do for each other, but also if children are around, somehow showing them,
that that's been done, also helps finish the arguement for
them. We have talked about the impact of conflict
on children, when they are a bit older it's probably when it starts to be a
bit more apparent in their lives, would you say
that's right? Yes, I mean one of the things that children
learn is is how to argue or how not to argue, they
have models, you are a model for your child. So it's when children are in relationships
themselves, when they are teenagers or beyond, when they are trying out relationships, they
imploy what they know, so if they come to a
a relationship thinking it is ok to say whatever, that's what they might do, or they
might guard against it, by saying, I'm never going to argue because they don't know how
to argue and that's no good either. So being a role model for your children, is an extremely
important thing, that you only see in a way in the sleeper effect, by having the children
themselves in the relationships.