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You know, baby, I've been thinking. I don't like this.
Why does a Marty Huggins come out of nowhere and decide to run?
Baby, I'm a thoroughbred. I'm gonna smoke that clown.
Kids, put your headphones in. About to use TV mature words.
You know I love it when you get all *** and wild.
You listen to me, you *** dragging around a body.
Marty Huggins' daddy is Raymond Huggins.
He was Jesse Helms' campaign manager for six terms.
- Mm-hm. - He's got *** juice. What have you got?
A mistress with a GED and a 9-year-old son.
She's got a kid?
*** and ***, *** and *** And big *** ***
*** and ***, *** and *** *** and ***
Last election, Newsweek mentioned you as a possible VP.
- I want that VP nod, Cam. - Okay.
I wanna be second lady. And what are you doing to make that happen?
You're grinding your hairy crescent roll against any piece of *** that flashes you a smile.
None of that was my fault. I was powerless.
I was plied with copious amounts of Red Bull, Jell-O shots...
...and Goldschläger.
Remember Dr. Jenkins, he thought I had Crohn's disease.
There were flakes of 24-karat gold in my stool for about a month.
I crapped gold.
Was the nicest thing.
- Just got a call from, uh, Cam Brady... - Oh.
...saying that, uh, he invited me to something called a civility brunch.
Oh.
Which I think is just a chance for us to share a meal together...
...and talk about the campaign and its issues...
...and make sure that everything's gonna be civil, you know?
That's a lovely idea, Marty. We're all so proud of you.
I knew one day your dad would realize your true potential.
Um, boys, put down your utensils. I wanna talk to you about something real quick.
I wanted to take this time...
...to say that we're gonna be under a lot of media scrutiny.
So if there's anything that you wanna talk about...
...any kind of secrets...
...or stories or fibs...
...now's the time to put it on the table, okay?
And if you tell me, if you tell me and your mom...
...we're not gonna be mad.
I said the Lord's name in vain at school.
Mm-hm.
Well, I said I wasn't gonna get angry, and I'm not angry.
Okay. Good.
I went to the petting zoo and I let the goat lick my ***.
What? What--?
- Now, that I have a-- - Now, honey.
Now, you promised you wouldn't get mad, okay?
They're just-- They're being honest.
Okay. Maybe that's-- Hopefully, that's it.
I had a beer with the old biker man at the end of the street...
...and he let me touch his old lady's ***.
- Oh, God. - Ugh. "Breast."
I go to the mall and hide in a stairwell and take photos up women's skirts.
I have a whole book of cooter shots under my bed.
One time I put a firefly in my ***.
- Why? - To make my farts glow.
Oh, God.
I shaved the dog and glued the hair to my nut sac so I'd look like a grown man.
Oh, God.
I touch myself to Drew Carey on The Price Is Right.
God.
Okay, that's enough. Stop, please.