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Yeah, I had a great time
today, too, Charlotte
Oh, nothing really.
I'm having the folks
over for dinner.
Just the family and Roz.
Well, I've done it
a thousand times before.
Okay, then,
I'll, uh, see you tomorrow
.
Bye.
For God's sake.
This thing...
breaks like crockwork.
(laughs)
Crockwork.
I'll tell you.
Frasier, once again,
you suffer the tragedy
of being cleverandalone.
Oh, for God's sake, Dad.
Would you please
throw that thing away?
Why? What for?
When I get
through gluing it,
it'll be as good as new.
(doorbell ringing)
It wasn't any good
when it was new.
It's just an ugly,
worthless pot.
Oh.
Hello.
Hi. How was
the honeymoon?
Oh, Tahiti
was absolute paradise,
except for poor Niles
getting sunburned.
Oh, dear, Niles.
You look like you
crawled out of a bisque.
And you look like someone
who doesn't want
his Paul Gauguin
souvenir oven mitt.
Niles, you remembered.
Hey, guys.
Welcome back.
Hello, Martin.
Hey.
You're a bit dressed up
for a family dinner.
Oh, well,
Roz is dropping
by
with someone she
wanted me to meet.
Ooh, a lady friend?
No, we're going
to form a jazz trio, Niles.
Of course it's
a lady friend,
you cherry-faced fool.
So you want us
to clear out?
No, no, no,
you don't have to do t
hat.
Actually, if I don't like her,
Roz will just take her away.
We've agreed upon
a safety word--Enchant
?
..
If circumstances should dictate,
all I have to do is say it
and Roz will know
that I'm not interested.
(doorbell ringing)
Niles, would you
mind getting that?
That's probably Roz.
I'm just going
to get rid
of Dad's arts and crafts project here, all right?
Hi, Roz.
Hey, you guys are back.
Hey, Martin.
Hi, Roz.
This is my
friend Lizbeth.
How are ya?
Good, good. That's
all right. Yes.
This is Daphne
and Martin and...
Hi.
Can I get you a glass of wine?
Oh, please. Frasier has
the greatest wine.
Oh, sounds
good to me.
Life's too short
to drink bad wine, right?
Amen to that.
Just a half a glass
with club soda.
You know how
I love my spritzer.
Frasier.
What? Oh, hi.
Roz, what a
pleasant surprise.
This is Lizbeth.
We were just shopping
.
in the neighborhood
and thought we'd stop by
How lovely. It's a pleasure
to meet you, Elizabeth.
It's not Elizabeth.
It's Lizbeth.
Ah. Like "Lisbon. "
Like a what?
Enchant?.
Right,
and meeting you
is just...super.
Yes, the feeling
is mutual.
Enchant?. Enchant?. Enchant?.
Oh, and for me, it's
just been super. Super, super.
I took a shot.
Yes.
Yeah. Okay.
Well, I guess
we can stop
shaking hands now.
Oh, well, I'm ready
whenever you are.
Well, then just let go.
I did. You're
holding on to me.
Oh, dear.
?
.
Dad, what kind of glue
were you using on that pot
Super.
How could you be so stupid
to glue us together?
I thought you said he was smart.
Don't panic. I
-I seem to recall
that Super Glue can be
dissolved with acetone.
You know, nail
polish remover.
He's the smart one.
How did you know that?
I knew that
from, from school.
School lunches!
The Kriezel brothers
used to glue
a cafeteria tray to his tie.
DAPHNE:
Well, I suppose
we better get some.
Let's go
to the drugstore.
Drugstore. Oh. I gotta go.
No, they'll be
back in ten minutes.
No, no, no, I-I gottago.
I started
the new juice diet
and I got 64 ounces
of cran-raspberry
looking for a new home.
.
Oh, for God's sake
I'll tell you what.
Just, uh... Here.
Just, just come
right in here.
There we are.
Yes, uh, all right,
just a moment. Uh...
Are you there?
Almost.
That's close enough!
Could you maybe
put on some music?
Dad, could you
put on some music, please?
Yeah. Sure. What do
you want? Pop? Big band?
Oh, for God's sakes,
just turn the damn thing on!
Sorry I'm late.
Mm-hmm.
The Cinco de Mayo traffic
wasmuy malo.
Oh, yes, that's right.
They closed some streets
for the fireworks display.
Well, happy birthday, Roz.
Yeah, happy birthday.
Whatever.
Used to be I'd go out and get
a little wild on my birthday.
Now I go out
and get a little dinner.
There's nothing wrong
with dinner.
I know, but
it used to come with sex.
Come on, Roz.
Sounds like you need a drink.
Oh, that used
to come with sex, too.
Sounds like we've got
another passenger
on the SSAin't Gettin' Any.
(doorbell ringing)
Hello.
Hi, Niles.
Wonderful day, marvelous day.
You two look grand.
Where's Daphne?
Who shoved a bluebird in you?
You know the SS Ain't
Gettin' Any?Man overboard.
You and Daphne?
Last night, Daphne and I engaged
in sweet carnal delights.
Did you say
"carnal" or "caramel"?
I gotta go wrapt.
Roz's birthday gift
Oh! I forgot
about Roz's birthday.
You don't have anything
I could give her, do you?
Well, let's look.
Maybe one of
these books. Just...
For God's sake, Niles.
I mean... How could you
forget her birthday?
It's the whole reason
we're having dinner.
Oh, forgive me. I've been
a little distracted lately.
Especially last night.
And again this morning.
Niles. Oh...
Oh, dear God.
If Daphne knew I was
speaking so indiscreetly,
she'd be mortified.
And just when I thought
I'd worn him out,
he flips me over
like a griddle cake
and off we go again.
Niles?
.
I couldn't catch me breath
It was like a marathon.
I tell you, he spoilt
me for any other man.
Frasier's brother Niles?
And guess how he woke
me up this morning.
Oh, shut up already.
Okay, birthday girl.
Come on over here
and open some gifts.
Hello.
Hello, yourself.
All right, you two,
let's pay attention.
.
This is Roz's birthday
This gift is from Niles.
Happy birthday, Roz.
It's a crock.
With a chipped lid...
and a dead bee.
Thank you, Niles.
Glad you like it.
Oh, you know, I-I think I left
your present in my room.
Niles, will you help me with it?
Oh, of course.
We'll be back very quickie.
Quickly.
Quickly.
You don't think
they're gonna...?
Oh, I have no idea.
Try not to
think about it.
(fireworks exploding)
Wow. He really is good.
(explosions continue)
(firecrackers going off)
Dad,
I bought you these headphones
so that I wouldn't be subject
to your sports drivel.
Please put them on.
All right, I will.
But only if you say it.
I want you...
to wear those headphones.
I don't know why you care.
You're just gonna
be out riding on that
stupid parade float.
The KACL Fourth of July
float is not stupid.
Unless you think it is stupid
to commemorate a hardy band
of revolutionaries,
their minds ablaze...
Hey, you're right!
This does cut out
all the drivel.
Oh, hi, Daph.
My God, you
look hideous.
Thank you.
I wouldn't normally
wear polyester
on the hottest
day of the year,
but some English friends of mine
are having
an Ugly American party
in honor of the Fourth.
(doorbell ringing)
(speaking in American accent) :
We're going to toss back
a couple of cold brewskis,
watch the ball game
and not use
the metric system.
Oh, hello, Niles.
Oh, hello, Uncle Sam.
Didn't you just hand me
a flyer for
a mattress sale?
Uh, listen, Roz is
running a little late,
so we're just gonna meet
her downstairs, all right?
Dad!
We're off!
See you later.
Oh, okay. Good luck.
Boy, these are great.
Now I can watch TV
without bugging anybody.
??
..
?? My bacon
is Farmer Frank's bacon
?? There's no mistakin'?
?the quality...??
Wait a minute.
Is my bunting adroop?
It's supposed
.
to drape evenly.
Oh, for God's sake
You're not going to send me back
to the Space Needle
with binoculars
and a walkie-talkie
again, are you?
No, there's
no time for that.
We can fix it on the fly.
It'll just take a second.
Niles, you grab that end.
Excuse me.
This shouldn't come off
like this, should it?
Oh, dear.
Um, here.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, Dad!
Hey, Dad.
Dad!
Mr. Crane.
Dad!
Dad!
Mr. Crane.
Dad! Dad! Dad!
He can't hear us.
We're stuck out here.
What are we going to do?
Let's not panic.
Maybe some of our neighbors
are on their balconies.
Hello!
Hello!
Yeah. Mr. Winston,
are you home?
Hello? Hello?!
(jets flying by)
The Blue Angels!
Wow.
What?
Locked out!
Dad!
Dad!
Martin!
Mr. Crane!
Martin!
Dad!
Oh...
(sighs)
Roz, how long does
a baseball match last?
Well, usually three hours.
Oh, dear.
This sucks. I don't
even have my cell phone.
Don't you have you
r cell phone, Frasier?
Roz, I'm Uncle Sam.
I don't have a cell phone.
I shouldn't even
have this zipper.
It's going to be
a hundred degrees out here.
I'm roasting in these things.
That's it. These
clothes are coming off.
(phone ringing)
That's all right, Niles.
Allow me.
Daphne.
Coming.
(phone ringing)
Hello. Crane residence.
Oh, hello, Mum.
Happy Thanksgiving.
It's the holiday where
everyone eats turkey.
No, we're having goose.
Daphne, when you're finished with that,
could you please bring us some
snacks to soak up this wine?
Yes, and a little
more wine.
Who knew my sorrows
would be such strong swimmers?
I can't talk right now, Mum.
Dr. Crane has guests.
Yeah, he's still out of work.
Of course I'm worried
he might let me go.
I worry about it every day.
But I'm coping.
Alice is so cute.
She fell asleep
hugging her bottle.
I'm right behind her.
Niles, would you please stop
being so morose?
It is Thanksgiving.
Oh, you're right.
I should count
my blessings.
I'm in the midst
of a bitter divorce.
Maris is freezing my assets,
forcing me to live
in the Shangri-la
which is the devil's
own apartment complex
where last night,
they turned off my heat,
re-freezing my assets.
We're all going through
a bit of a rough patch.
Look at Roz and me.
We're out of a job.
Oh, not me.
I just took a phone temp job
in customer service.
I can work from wherever I am.
They just patch
the calls through.
Well, now, you see.
There's a positive attitude.
Some people see losing a job
as an opportunity.
Oh, thank you, Daphne.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
(sexy voice) :
Oh, hello.
Yes, this is Monique.
I'm just lying in the tub,
soaping myself all over...
FRASIER:
Good heavens, Roz!
Is that the sort
of customer you're servicing?
Hang that up!
Call me later, tiger, okay?
What? It pays the bills.
And I'm not tied to a desk.
Not unless they ask you to be.
Good news.
The Cowboys just scored.
.
Bad news is, I kind
of screamed and wokesomebody's baby up
Oh, Daphne,
my bath salts man
has just delivered
a new shipment
of my proprietary blend.
Could you please
run me a tub tonight?
Of course I will, Dr. Crane.
What would you do without me?
A little more?
I know things have
been tough lately.
But they'll turn around for you.
Just watch.
She's an angel.
You're right,
Frasier--
I'm being too morose.
Not taking action.
I'm telling Daphne
I love her tonight.
Niles, let's
not be rash.
Come on, let's get you
some fresh air.
I don't want air.
I want Daphne!
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Well, thank you.
You've got a nice
deep voice, too.
Oh, I don't know...
Uh, brown pants
and a plaid shirt.
Hello? Hello?
Is everything
all right?
What's wrong with Niles?
MARTIN:
He decided that
today's the day
he's going
to tell Daphne.
He's going to tell Daphne
with all of us here?
That's gonna be
uncomfortable.
I know, but I guess
he figures he just can't
afford to wait any longer.
All right, Niles...
Niles, Niles, please.
NILES:
Daphne...
Dr. Crane, I know what
you're going to do.
You do?
Not you, Dr. Crane--
Dr. Crane.
And you can't fire me
because I quit.
What?!
After all I've done
to save you money.
I'm washing my face
with dish soap
while you're out buying
imported bath salts
Iike a big rich girl.
I hope you rot
in debtor's prison!
She's an angel.
I'll pick you up
at 7:00, my angel.
You'd better get used
to the name Evelyn Griebel,
because you're going
to be hearing an awful lot
of it around here.
Evelyn Griebel.
Sounds like music, doesn't it?
Haven't you only been
dating her a week?
Well, yes,
and you know how loath I am
to use the expression,
"She may be the one, "
but I think in this case
it's appropriate.
I finally got Maris calmed down.
I hope you're happy.
All I said was,
"Maris, why the long face?"
Yes, and now she's on
the phone
to her chin grinder
in Zurich.
(doorbell ringing)
I'll get that.
It's probably Roz.
Well?
Sorry I'm late,
but I had a date.
Yes. I thought
that was last night.
It was a good date.
How's your new girlfriend?
I allowed her to climb
to the first base camp
on Mt. Crane, and I believe
she's feeling the effects
of the altitude.
Is one of them nausea?
I'm getting that now.
Oh, shut up.
You hungry, Roz?
There's cheese here.
Oh, nobody opened it.
Dear God, Dad, that's
three years old.
Throw it out.
No, it'll be fine.
You sure you don't want any?
"
The label says
it's "famously spreadable.
Funny, Roz, doesn't your
label say the same thing?
What does yours say, Niles?
"May cause drowsiness"?
I'm just having some fun.
'Cause I know I'll be
settling down soon.
Yes, well, thank God
my dating days are over.
Three years on the Seattle
singles scene
is quite enough, thank you.
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Oh, hi, Evelyn.
She can't go five minutes
without talking to me.
Listen, I'm really looking
forward to dinner tomorrow.
I see.
Well, if tomorrow's no good...
I see.
But you said you were having
such a lovely time.
I see.
Perhaps I'd better
take this in my room.
Oh, what are you smirking at?!
What are you staring at?
It's 14.
What?
You're reading about
Jack Russell terriers, right?
That's how man
y years they live.
14.
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, hello, Niles.
There are the merry bachelors
in their swinging new pad.
Where's Maris?
She's take
n to her bed.
This large earring fad
has compressed her spine.
Where is your, uh, enchanting
new home healthcare worker?
I just found out what
that second toilet
in me loo is for.
Talk about a shock.
Hello there.
Hello.
You're, uh...
Oh, don't tell me.
I'm good with names.
Uh... Miles Crane.
Yes, I am.
.
And, and, you're..
Daphne Moon from
Manchester,
where you developed
a liking
for Knickerson's
Lemon Biscuits.
What a kind man you are,
Miles Crane.
FRASIER:
Oh, by the way,
I've invited
Roz Doyle to join us.
She's my producer
over at the radio station.
She had no plans this evening.
You know, I think
the poor thing
has a hard time
meeting men.
Anyway...
Would you care for
a scotch, Niles?
Yes... Actually...
No, I'm in
a sherry mood tonight.
Sherry?
What an intriguing idea.
I think I can scare up
a bottle of sherry.
(doorbell ringing)
DAPHNE:
Oh, I'll get it.
FRASIER:
Oh, hi, Roz.
Come on in.
I'd like you to meet my dad.
This is
Martin Crane
and his home healthcare worker Daphne Moon,
and, of course, this is
my brother-- Niles Crane.
Oh, God, is it Niles?
I feel so embarrassed.
Oh, no, please
don't be.
Actually, I prefer Miles.
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, that'll be
my pizza.
Would you get it?
What?
You are not having pizza.
I made a duck.
What, you're going to tell m
e what I can eat now?
No, I'm just saying
that it's rude
to bring your own food
to a dinner party.
Hi.
Hello.
1 2 bucks.
Right.
Hey, aren't you that
new radio shrink at KACL,
Dr. Frasier Crane,
right?
Yes, I am.
It's always nice to meet a fan.
Actually, I'm in
the radio game myself.
This pizza thing
is just paying the bills
until a job opens up.
Maybe you could put
a good word in for me down...
The pizza smells good.
Have some.
It's called
"The Dirty Dozen. "
1 2 delicious toppings,
and not one of them duck.
This from the gourmet
who dumped my Cornish Yarg
cheese down the disposal.
It was covered with moId.
It was supposed to be!
Well, I said I'd replace it, didn't I?
Here it is.
Hope you're happy.
With "pasteurized, processed
cheese-flavored snack food. "
Dear God.
Looks like someone
melted down a highway cone.
I was just trying
to be nice.
You don't need to
be a jerk about it.
You're right, Dad.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Would you please
join me in the kitchen--
Miles!
He is driving me batty.
All right, we
are making a deal.
He spends six months here
and then he's moving into your house.
Absolutely.
We'll switch off.
MARTIN:
Someone bring
me a beer?
ROZ:
Yeah, beer
sound good.
I should have just
gotten a keg.
I'll tell you something-
- this is the last time
I try to make a nice dinner
for these people.
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, hey, Dad.
Hey.
.
Dinner's ready
All right.
Hello, you guys.
Come on in.
Dinner is served.
Hello, Martin.