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Waterman Cable Access Presents
Picking on Raccoons.
I'm Harv Williams.
And as always, my wife Shelly.
Hello!
We got a raccoon over here,
who looks like
he's feeling pretty
high and mighty this afternoon.
Let's go pick on him.
Ha! No one likes you,
you garbage-eating ***.
Harv!
I'm Harv.
I hate raccoons.
Hmm.
What else is on?
My name is Cleveland Brown
And I am proud to be
Right back in my hometown
With my new family
There's old friends
and new friends
And even a bear
Through good times
and bad times
It's true love we share
And so I found a place
Where everyone will know
My happy mustached face
This is The Cleveland Show.
Original Air Date on May 8, 2011
All right, all right, now.
Let's shtetl down, class.
It's time to sign up
for the school's annual
participation show,
because certain parents felt
that the word "talent"
set up unreasonable
expectations.
Thank you, Gordon.
Oh, okay.
It's that
time again.
Baby, let's
do this thing.
Now, don't y'all
be afraid to sign up
just 'cause me and my boys
blew everyone off
the stage last year.
Once again, I am not
part of this act.
I had a mild stroke an hour ago.
Why is no one calling 911?!
Yo, Rallo.
What we going to do
for our act this year?
Don't worry, guys.
I got a plan.
Our act is going to be
so off the hook,
you're going to remember it
for the rest of your lives.
Or not at all,
'cause we're five.
Y'all won't remember
any of this.
I killed a guy,
and I never miss Glee.
Nah, they're going
to forget that by nap time.
And what's with
this Gmail?
I just got used
to e-mail.
Will someone please tell
me why we skipped f-mail?
Man, lunchtime
with Cleveland
is the single funniest
hour in America.
Check it: ten impressions,
He's going to do it.
Put down your drinks.
My name is Borat.
Is nice.
More cowbell.
Jell-O pudding, you see?
*** Galore.
I must be dreaming.
I pity the fool!
Stewie, come smell my butt.
Rooby-Rooby-Roo!
Hey, hey, hey.
I'm Rosie O'Donnell.
How many was that?
Nine.
Is nice.
Oh, I'm telling you,
this should be a show.
Well, I have been described
as likable and accessible.
But you, you're a
natural sidekick.
Correct is what you are, sir.
Did someone pull
the "cool boss" alarm?
Go ahead, Terry.
Pull it.
I'm kidding.
What'd I miss?
Hey, Mr.
Waterman.
Aren't you looking for a show
to replace that raccoon guy?
Put Cleveland on TV.
Aren't you already
on one of the CSIs?
No.
Huh.
Well, then
Mr.
Fishburne,
you've got yourself a show!
My own cable access show!
Hooray!
My burrito's
ready! Hooray!
All right, guys.
Let's give it a try.
Hyah!
I can't believe it didn't work.
Now we got nothing
for the talent show.
Oh, Rallo.
What in the world
made you think
you could break a board
with your hand?
I learned it from you, Mom!
I learned it from watching you!
Parent's who do karate
have children who do karate.
And five, four, three
From Stoolbend,
it's The Relatively Late Show,
starring, uh, Cleveland Brown.
And now Cleveland is here!
Hi.
Wow.
Thanks for tuning in
to our very first show.
How's everybody doing?
Boy, it was hot
in Stoolbend today, wasn't it?
You know how hot it was?
Uh, no, sir.
It was so hot
that if Tim's son Raymond
were a potato
and he went outside,
he'd be twice-baked.
Uh, Tim's son is a stoner.
Not sure if everyone knew that.
Yes!
A stoner potato.
Uh, Dr.
Brown, it's
time to interview
the next candidate for the
rocket scientist position.
Now, I must remind you
that you've already
had two warnings
about *** harassment, so
this is your last chance.
I'll be good.
What's the
candidate's name?
Uh, Big *** June.
Got milk?
Let's hear it
for the NASA sketch.
Hi.
Who's soft.
Are you soft?
I'm going to name you
Scott Bathroom Tissue.
That's adorable.
Lester, what other
animals you have
running around in
your filthy house?
I've got a basement full of these.
Whoa-ho-ho!
I think he likes me.
Oh, hey.
I, uh
I ate, uh, Scott
Bathroom Tissue, so, uh
Well, that's our show.
I'd like to thank
our guests:
Big *** June from
the grocery store,
my neighbor Lester
and Luke Wilson.
And thanks, Gus.
The federal government blew
the levees during Katrina.
Stay tuned for Cat
Party.
Good night!
So, Arch, you
catch my show last night?
Yep.
Sucked.
Huh.
One man's opinion.
Nope.
Several thousand
people's opinion.
No way.
Yes way.
Look on the internet.
Here's a review.
Mr.
Brown has the charm
of a graveyard-shift bus driver
and the comic timing
of a wife ***.
That's got to be a typo.
Wait.
What's that one?
When Waterman Cable decided
to fill Harv
the Raccoon Guy's shoes,
little did we know
they'd fill them with feces.
Hey, but you still
got four stars!
Oh, out of a thousand.
Uh, weird system.
If you'll excuse me, Tim,
I need to go wash my hands.
Oh, everybody hates me!
Wow.
That's 178 bad
reviews in a row.
You were one
rotten tomato.
Quiet! Hit "refresh.
"
What?!
I do not look like
Mr.
Potato Head.
Oh, baby.
So what if people
didn't like your awful show.
You shouldn't care so much
about what people think.
I don't.
Because I know one's
self-worth comes from within.
You're right, Donna.
So silly of me to get upset.
I should be
more like you.
Who doesn't
care so much,
she wears this!
Uh vanity,
vanity, vanity.
Oh, man.
I'm in trouble.
I got nothing.
You? You'll be fine.
You always land
on your feet.
You're like a cat,
or a man made entirely of feet.
Well, thanks, Cleveland.
You know, you're going
to be all right, too.
You got a certain
limited appeal.
You mean that?
Yeah.
Rallo, change my expression
to one of determination.
Now, you see
these charts behind me?
Well, someone left them here
after the insurance conference,
so don't let them
distract you.
Because we need
to reinvent my show!
Now, I need to be beloved.
Who is the most beloved person
on television? Not you.
Thank you.
Oprah.
Kendra got fused
to the couch
watching an Oprah
marathon once.
Arianna likes that little
dancing fella, uh
Ellen.
My mom watches The View.
In her nightie.
The View's horrible.
Two meanings.
That's it!
Oprah! Ellen!
The View! Ugh!
If we can figure out
how to appeal to women,
people will love me!
And my show, too!
Hmm.
Now, what do we
know about women?
They pee when
they sneeze.
Do they?
Yep.
According to that sneezing
pee-bag Whoopi Goldberg.
Great! What else
do we know?
They also pee when they Okay.
We got to think
outside the pee-box.
Let's do
a little research.
We're going to go out there
and watch every single
chick talk show we can find.
Cleveland's tigers go!
Murray, we need your help.
We got no act
for the talent show.
Don't have an act?
You boys came
to the right place.
Back in my day,
in the Catskills,
I was a hit maker.
You ever hear
of "Peezy Wheezy?"
"You Are So Rare
to Me?"
"Tovah Made a Sukkah
with Zeidel?"
These are not words
you're using.
Look, you want current?
That's easy.
I can write you guys
a hip-hop song.
You can?
My nephew Mordecai owned a studio.
Those rapper guys came
through there all the time.
So I know the drill.
Leave it to me,
and I'll have
all your little homeboys
cheering your name.
All right, Murray.
I don't know if an old Jew
has ever tried to glom onto
young black talent before,
but let's give it a whirl.
Kids.
Mothers.
Shopping.
Chocolate.
White wine.
Loneliness.
Bulimia.
Drapes.
I know what women care about.
I am
Cleveland!
Now, please welcome
our first guest,
my pancake-lovin' stepdaughter,
Roberta Benigni Tubbs!
We want to talk
about what all women
want to talk about--
your period!
What?!
Now, do you roll
your own tampons,
or do you pay someone
to roll them for you?
Cleveland!
Relax, baby.
We all know what goes on
downtown, right, girlfriends?!
Okay, okay!
I roll my own!
I roll my own!
Okay, now, this was Kendra
just two hours ago
before our makeover experts
got a hold of her.
Kendra, are you ready
to show the world the new you?
I'm a-scared.
It's okay, honey.
We're all rooting for you.
Lift the giant tarp, fellas.
Ho-ho! You all
seem to like it,
but let's see what
her husband says.
Where's Kendra?
I only see
a beautiful clown.
I'm the beautiful clown!
You've been
such a wonderful audience,
and because I love you all
so much,
you're all getting
something fabulous!
Look under your chairs!
There's nothing here.
Under mine, either.
Where's my free stuff?
Oh, my goodness.
Is there nothing under there?
Hmm.
Well, maybe that's because
girlfriend, you need to stop
looking for material things
and start looking for the gifts
inside yourselves!
Cleveland!
ALL
Cleveland! Cleveland!
Cleveland! Cleveland!
Thank you,
Cleveland Brown Jr.
,
who insisted on performing
despite being ineligible
for a kindergarten talent show.
And now, please welcome
Rallo Tubbs, Bernard Bernard
and Theodore Parker Jr.
III.
Now, remember, trust
the words I wrote for you.
I'll be right here
chatting up
that foxy teacher of yours.
Now, I'm gonna tell you
how it is.
Us kids today, I'll tell you,
we seem to think
money grows on trees.
But it doesn't.
It grows out of hard work
and sound investment.
We're about to drop
some knowledge on y'all.
Dollars, greens,
scrilla, beans
Paper, G's, Susan B's
Interest rates too good
to pass up
Don't be a putz,
gotta bank that cash up
Kids these days
take their dough and show it
Don't know how to grow it,
get allowance and
Blow it!
Rims for my big wheel
Custom kicks
No, I'd rather have
a pension when I'm 66
I want a kiddie pool
full of shorties
Juice boxes on ice
Not when I'm saving
to attend Brandeis
Don't need an X-Box,
put it all in tech stocks
Now I got fresh bucks
popping up like chicken pox
Cheddar, bones,
grizzles, scones
Paper, ducats
fillin' buckets
Look here, steer clear
of financial smashup
Don't be a yutz
Just bank that cash up!
Bank your cash up
If you're advertising saving,
I can be your pitchman
Bank your cash up
Stash my scrill away
So someday I'll be
a rich man
"
Bada-bada-bada-bum
Roth IRA
401K
Finances fatter
than Gabourey Sidibe
FDIC
Long-term CD
Visit the museum
on a day that it's free
First Friday of the month,
y'all
It's Bernard
Theodore
And Rallo T
Spittin'
fiscal responsibility
Word is "savings bond"
Hoes.
Nerds!
You suck!
You're lame.
Maybe it's not cool to rap
about fiscal responsibility.
Murray, they hated us!
They're booing us.
What? I turned
my hearing aid off
so I wouldn't have
to hear all that booing.
Pick me up.
You made us look
like idiots.
Never speak to me again.
"Never reek of pee again"?
I can't make that promise,
Rallo!
Ah, man!
I don't know
if I can take
a whole recess
of getting
our humps busted.
Stupid Murray.
You were right, Theodore.
We should have gone
with your uncle, T-Pain.
Losers!
My parents were supposed to
give me a bike for my birthday,
but after they heard your song,
they gave me a savings bond.
Your rap was stupid.
Yeah, we know.
We did it on purpose.
We're a joke band
like Spinal Tap or Aerosmith.
Man, we are
universally loafed.
"Loathed," fool.
Damn!
Okay, girls, we've
had our morning cry,
and now it's on
to business.
We're on top, and we
need to stay on top.
So let's talk ideas.
What do you have
to va-say-say?!
What if, uh what if we
reunite, uh, women
with their first
gynecologist?
Tim, I want you to stop
thinking down here
and start thinking
up here.
Cleveland, can I talk
to you for a second?
This is why we need
a production office.
What?!
I need some help.
I'm at rock bottom.
Your mom's got
a rockin' bottom.
Write that down.
"Men who say
inappropriate things
in front
of their children.
"
Come on, man.
I need your help.
We got laughed out of school
'cause we did a song
about fiscal responsibility.
The only ones who liked it
were the teachers and moms.
Wait a minute.
That's our audience.
We've got our next show!
Rallo,
you boys are going
to be on TV.
What?! We'll be the laughing
stock of Stoolbend!
We're not doing it.
Oh, you're doing it,
or I'll sign you up
for the summer reading program.
You wouldn't.
Oh, the friends
you'll make, Rallo.
The friends you'll make!
Thank you, Junior.
Uh-oh.
Here come the polizia.
Okay.
Hey, girls!
We got a great show
for you today.
My stepson Rallo and his friends
are going to sing us
a little song
about responsible investing.
Not so fast.
Murray?
If there's one thing I learned
in all my days in show business,
it's when to admit you're wrong.
You're wrong!
You're all wrong!
That is a hit song!
But just in case
I'm wrong,
I wrote you
a new one anyway.
Yeah!
We used to rap
about saving a buck
But now all we care
about is
We're gonna
in the
With a ladder and a
Piscataway, New Jersey!
Uh-huh
tuchus
On my sock garters
Crack your skull
Yeah
Used to rap about saving
like a bunch of
that ,
we're about gettin'
Get it, get it,
get that
Kill it, kill it,
kill that
First Friday
of the month, y'all!
You realize
you're canceled, right?
Yep.
Then, give me a show!
Huh?
What can you do?
That was awesome!
I can't believe
you swore on TV!
You inspired me to get
and kill some ,
whatever that is.
Seeing you guys turn
things around like that
inspired me to
walk again.
Just kidding.
I'm paralyzed.
You got kind of
a dark sense of humor.
Hey, Murray!
Good to see everything's
back to normal.
Thanks again, my old man friend.
Hey, how'd you come up
with that stuff anyway?
Filth is easy.
Anyone can write that stuff.
Besides, you never heard
"Peezy Weezy.
"
Peezy Weezy, your
I wanna squeezy
As we
in the pale moonlight
Oh, Peezy Weezy,
I'm gonna ask you please-y
Won't you tickle
my tonight?
My Peezy Weezy!
Look, it was a different time.
The war we didn't know
how long we were going to live.
So, who wants an ice milk?
I do!