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PSST!
HEY, YOU, WAKE UP!
"AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS" IS ON,
AND WE'VE GOT A VERY TASTY SHOW FOR YOU.
TONIGHT ON...
WE'LL PULL YOU IN...
AND BOWL YOU OVER.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO HOLD ON TIGHT...
AND BRACE YOURSELF...
'CAUSE THERE'S GREAT STUFF DEAD AHEAD.
AND WE'RE GOING TO REEL YOU IN...
TONIGHT ON "AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS."
AND NOW HERE HE IS,
YOUR AMBASSADOR TO A GOOD TIME,
TOM BERGERON!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. PLEASE, PLEASE.
THIS, UH...
THIS NEXT PACKAGE OF VIDEOS IS REALLY HILARIOUS,
SO WE WANT TO GET RIGHT TO IT, ALL RIGHT?
WHAT?
THEY'RE STILL BEING CUED UP?
WELL, I CAN STRETCH. IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I HEARD THIS GREAT JOKE.
I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD, BUT WE GOT TIME.
THIS YOUNG SAILOR HAS BEEN AT SEA FOR MONTHS, RIGHT?
FINALLY, HE GETS SHORE LEAVE.
HE GOES TO A RESTAURANT. YOU KNOW THIS JOKE ALREADY?
'CAUSE YOU'RE LAUGHING AHEAD OF ME.
A GIRL, A BEAUTIFUL GIRL, COMES UP TO HIM AND SAYS,
"HI, SAILOR. ANYTHING I CAN GET YOU?"
HE LOOKS TO HER, AND HE SAYS --
WE'RE READY? OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
HERE ARE SOME CLIPS. ENJOY THEM.
ALTHOUGH MARCEL IS JUST A FEW INCHES OFF THE GROUND,
THIS TRICK IS STILL DANGEROUS.
[ BARKING ]
EVEN THE BRAVEST DOG TURNS TO MUSH
AROUND THE DEADLIEST OF ANIMALS --
THE CERAMIC CAT.
[ DOG WHINES ]
[ WHIMPERING ]
OH, DON'T BE SUCH A FRAIDY DOG.
[ BAND PLAYING SCOTTISH MUSIC ]
[ GLASS SHATTERS ]
A SURE SIGN THE PARADE IS OVER --
WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF BATONS.
IN PRESCHOOL, WHEN YOU'RE BIG AND BALDING,
THE OTHER KIDS LOVE TO MAKE FUN OF YOU.
HERE'S A SAFETY TIP --
ALWAYS UNWRAP YOUR KID AFTER HE'S DELIVERED.
HANG IN THERE, BABY.
Man: YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I'M OKAY, AND I GOT EIGHT LIVES LEFT.
ONE OF THE REASONS --
ONE OF THE REASONS I'M A CAT LOVER
IS BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT STUPID THING THEY DO,
THEY IMMEDIATELY LOOK DIGNIFIED, DON'T THEY?
THEY HIT, THEY GO,
"I'M FINE. I'M GREAT. I'M GOOD. IT'S ALL RIGHT."
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE SAY THEIR FONDEST MEMORIES
ARE FROM THEIR CHILDHOOD --
SUMMERS AT THE LAKE, BIRTHDAYS AT THE GRANDPARENTS'.
LUCKILY, THEY ONLY REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES
BECAUSE THEY'VE BLOCKED OUT ALL THE HORRIBLE STUFF
THAT HAPPENED TO THEM WHEN THEY WERE KIDS.
LET'S HOPE THESE YOUNGSTERS CAN DO THE SAME.
Woman: WHAT ARE YOU SITTING OUT THERE FOR?
WAITING FOR THE ICE CREAM TRUCK.
WAIT RIGHT THERE. DON'T RUN OUT IN THE STREET.
[ TRUCK PLAYING "THE ENTERTAINER" ]
WHEN YOU'RE A KID,
SOMETIMES WAITING FOR SOMETHING IS THE BEST PART.
SOMETIMES IT'S THE ONLY PART.
THEY WANT SOMETHING.
HA HA HA! LOUSY ICE CREAM TRUCK!
HE DOESN'T DO A GREAT JOB ON THE LAWN,
BUT HE DOES PUT ON A HECK OF A SHOW.
[ CROWD CHEERING ]
HE'S HEADING FOR HOME.
NO, NO, HE'S GOING FOR ANOTHER SINGLE.
NO, HE'S -- HE'S GOING BACK TO HOME.
NOW HE'S TRYING FOR ANOTHER TRIPLE.
NO, NO, HE'S --
HE'S STANDING ON THE TEE.
HE SCORES!
LOOK AT THOSE STEPS.
I MEAN IT -- LOOK AT THOSE STEPS!
Woman: MICHAEL.
MICHAEL. MICHAEL MESS MAKER.
EVEN IN YOUR SLEEP.
YOU GOT -- LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
OH, GOSH. OH.
[ GIRL LAUGHING ]
OH, NO.
IT'S THE EASTER BUNNY OF DOOM.
AAH!
[ CRYING ]
Man: ANDREW.
ANDREW, COME HERE, HONEY.
HELLO, ANDY. I'VE COME FOR YOU.
AS YOU KNOW,
WE LIVE IN A COUNTRY OBSESSED WITH SPORTS.
ATHLETES MAKE MILLIONS A YEAR,
THEY PLAY IN DOMED STADIUMS WITH RETRACTABLE ROOFS,
AND THEY HAVE SHOES NAMED AFTER THEM.
OF COURSE, TO BE A REAL SUPERSTAR,
YOU NEED TO STAR IN A BAD ACTION MOVIE.
WE FOUND SOME PEOPLE
WHO DON'T EXACTLY PLAY CONVENTIONAL SPORTS,
BUT THEY DO PLAY FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME.
Woman: SHE'S NOT DOING TOO GOOD.
[ BARKING ]
THAT DOG HAS THE MAN TRAINED PRETTY WELL.
NOW THIS IS AN AMAZING PERFORMANCE.
THE ONLY THING MISSING IS A DINGHY.
Man: HERE'S THE BALL.
Woman: I'M GOING TO GET THE CAMERA.
ARE YOU FILMING?
MY FAVORITE -- TERRIER UNDER GLASS.
CAN YOU GET THAT BALL?
WHERE'S THAT BALL?
GOOD BOY.
[ LAUGHING ]
HERE'S WHEN YOU WISH ED SULLIVAN WAS STILL AROUND.
Woman: LOOK AT ARTHUR GO.
WOW.
EVEN WITH THOSE ON, HE STILL CAN'T DUNK A BASKETBALL,
BUT HE CAN MOVE. RUN, FORREST, RUN!
AH, YES.
I ONLY HAVE ONE THING TO SAY FOR THE FUTURE OF THIS SHOW --
THANK GOD FOR GRAVITY.
PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THE GOLDEN AGE OF TELEVISION,
BUT I'LL TELL YOU, I SAY RIGHT NOW --
RIGHT NOW THERE ARE MORE GOOD ACTORS,
DIRECTORS, WRITERS, AND HOSTS THAN EVER BEFORE, RIGHT?
RIGHT? YEAH. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
PROGRAMS KEEP GETTING BETTER AND BETTER, DON'T THEY?
YES.
WOW, I, TOO, CAN BE A CORPORATE LACKEY.
HERE ARE A FEW SHOWS THAT ARE GOING
TO TAKE TELEVISION INTO THE PLATINUM AGE.
STAY TUNED FOR A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE OF...
[ SCREAMING ]
FOLLOWED BY...
CRITICS AND ATHEISTS AGREE --
YOU'LL BE LAUGHING FROM HERE TO ETERNITY.
AND THEN THE KING OF LATE NIGHT JOHNNY GINGER.
[ LAUGHING ]
HI, GANG. NO, IT ISN'T BATMAN.
IT'S ME, YOUR HUSBAND JOHNNY GINGER. HA HA HA!
AH.
GOT A BARGAIN FOR YOU.
AND YOU CAN GO FAST THE WAY YOU DO --
YOU CAN STAND UP ON IT LIKE THIS.
OW, OW, OW, OW.
OH [BLEEP]
[ GROANS ]
FIND A COMFORTABLE SPOT.
"AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS" WILL BE RIGHT BACK.
Bergeron: JUNE 4, 1997.
[ GIRLS SCREAM ]
DON'T YOU -- DON'T YOU LOVE THE CASUAL WAY THOSE GIRLS
REACTED TO THE CAR COMING THROUGH THE WALL?
"OH, CRAZY DAD AGAIN. THIRD CAR THIS WEEK."
THERE ARE ONLY A FEW TYPES OF ANIMALS
THAT MAN CAN KEEP IN THE HOUSE.
THERE'S DOGS, CATS, BIRDS, TEENAGERS.
SOME ANIMALS, THOUGH,
ARE MEANT NOT TO BE DOMESTICATED.
THAT'S WHY WE DON'T HAVE THE LAP TIGER
OR THE HOUSE BUFFALO OR THE REFRIGERATOR PENGUIN.
NOW HERE ARE A FEW OTHER ANIMALS THAT ARE BEST LEFT IN THE WILD.
Woman: GET YOUR PICTURE.
Man: YEAH.
Man #2: SHUT OFF THE ENGINE.
WHOA.
Bergeron: HOW DO YOU STOP AN ELEPHANT FROM CHARGING?
YOU DON'T.
OH, MY GOD, LET'S GO.
GO, GO.
HOLY MACKEREL.
[ BLEEP ]
Man #2: YOU ALL RIGHT?
GET THOSE PICTURES?
Man #2: OH, MY GOD.
HOLY MACKEREL!
Bergeron: BOY, I HOPE THAT'S AN ELEPHANT.
THAT WAS CLOSE.
DID YOU KNOW ORANGUTANS
COME PACKED IN THOSE STYROFOAM PEANUTS?
CONTENTS MAY SETTLE DURING SHIPMENT.
HONEY, THE MOOSE IS OUT.
THE FIRST THING THAT YOU'RE GOING TO FIND
ABOUT THE TREE KANGAROO IS THAT THEY'RE REALLY CLUMSY
AND THEY FALL OUT OF TREES A WHOLE LOT.
BUT THEY ARE STRONG!
THEY HAVE BEEN KNOWN
TO FALL OUT OF TREES THAT ARE 30 FEET TALL,
HIT THE GROUND, AND WALK AWAY LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.
THE TREE --
THE TREE KANGAROO BELONGS IN -- OW!
OH!
STOP!
NOTHING SAYS MANLY
LIKE HIGH-PITCHED GIRLY SQUEALS OF FEAR.
[ SHRIEKING ]
IRONICALLY, THEY'RE LION TAMERS.
FOR YEARS HERE AT "AFV,"
THERE'S BEEN A CONTROVERSY BUILDING
OVER WHICH TAPES ARE THE BEST.
IT'S GOTTEN SO HEATED THAT PEOPLE HAVE STOPPED
SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER IN THE HALLWAY,
AND, AS A RESULT,
ARE ACTUALLY DOING THEIR JOBS NOW.
SO TO BRING PEOPLE BACK TOGETHER,
WE'VE DECIDED TO LET THE CLIPS DUKE IT OUT AMONGST THEMSELVES
IN THIS MANO A MANO, NO-HOLDS-BARRED,
CLIP-TO-CLIP COMBAT WE CALL "VS."
TONIGHT ON "VS."...
THE TRAMPOLINES PULL OUT TO AN EARLY LEAD.
Woman: ARE YOU OKAY?
BUT THE PIÑATAS ARE QUICK TO COUNTER.
THE TRAMPOLINE SPRINGS BACK TO ANSWER.
BUT THE PIÑATA'S GOT A FEW TRICKS UP ITS SLEEVE.
HE'S THINKING ABOUT HIS NEXT MOVE.
THINKING, THINKING --
BEAUTIFUL.
PIÑATA'S GOT A LOT OF GROUND TO MAKE UP.
I DON'T KNOW IF SHE CAN DO IT.
OOH, TECHNICAL FOUL. THAT'S GOING TO COST THEM.
AND THE WINNER ON POINTS IS...
Woman: AAH!
OH, MY GOD.
NEXT WEEK, TRAMPOLINE TAKES ON WATER-SKIING.
DON'T MISS IT.
UM, COULD WE SHIFT ON 3?
1, 2, 3.
OKAY.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF THOUGHT AND PLANNING
GOES INTO THE MANUFACTURING OF THE PRODUCTS WE BUY,
BUT MISTAKES DO HAPPEN.
WITH TELEVISION, WE CAN ALWAYS TAPE OVER AND START AGAIN,
BUT IF YOU BUY A CAR WITH A BAD ENGINE
OR A VACUUM THAT DOESN'T SUCK,
WELL, THAT SUCKS.
WHEN THAT HAPPENS,
PRODUCTS WIND UP ON THE RECALL LIST.
THIS IS WHY WE HAVE LEMON LAWS.
HOW MANY PEOPLE...
MOVE OVER. MOVE OVER.
REMEMBER, WHEN IT COMES TO RICKSHAWS, BUY AMERICAN.
YOU READY?
[ ALL LAUGHING ]
I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!
IN THE FINAL TESTING PHASE,
THE UNLUCKY LAWN CHAIR PASSES WITH FLYING COLORS.
Woman: JIMMY.
[ MAN LAUGHING ]
ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME SOMEONE GOT
THOSE DEADLY CROQUET MALLETS OFF THE MARKET?
Man: THERE YOU GO.
KITTY-GO-CRAZY WAS RECALLED
BECAUSE IT MAKES CATS TOO DIZZY
TO FIND THE LITTER BOX.
OH, NO. YOU'RE STUCK.
HEY. HEY.
ACTUALLY, THIS TOY CAR IS JUST FINE.
IT'S THE GUY WHO'S BEEN RECALLED.
I'M STUCK.
Bergeron: CHRISTCHURCH, NEW ZEALAND --
FAMILY OF SEA MONKEYS LIVE OVER EIGHT WEEKS.
MOOSE JAW, SASKATCHEWAN --
RUMORS THAT GIANT CLOWN CHOKES ON WOMAN
PROVE FALSE.
Woman: HELP!
CLOWN SAYS INCIDENT LEFT A BAD TASTE IN MOUTH.
SALEM, OREGON --
TIRED OF THEIR JOBS, TRASH CANS LEAVE TOWN.
BANGOR, MAINE --
LOCAL MAN WITH HIGH VOICE SPEAKS TO ANIMALS.
[ HIGH-PITCHED WHINE ]
[ High voice ] HELLO.
ANIMALS ASK HIM TO STOP.
[ HIGH-PITCHED WHINE ]
[ High voice ] HELLO.
HEY.
HEY.
HELLO.
HELLO.
GILROY, CALIFORNIA --
HITCHHIKER TRIES TO GET RIDE DURING TORNADO.
PIERRE, SOUTH DAKOTA --
LOCAL MAN'S LAWN MOWING BUSINESS TAKES OFF.
PRACTICAL JOKES -- THEY ARE THE BACKBONE OF AMERICAN HUMOR.
ITCHING POWDER, CAN OF SNAKE,
THE WHOOPI GOLDBERG CUSHION --
SORRY, THAT WAS A BLATANT PLUG FOR MY OTHER SHOW.
ALL OF THEM ARE CLASSICS.
WHEN THEY WORK, THEY'RE HILARIOUS,
AND WHEN THEY DON'T, THEY'RE HILARIOUS.
STEVE.
COME HERE, QUICK.
HUH?
HA HA HA HA.
WELL, NOT ONLY DID HIS JOKE STINK,
NOW HIS CLOTHES STINK.
THAT WAS -- THAT WAS A WASH.
THERE YOU GO. THAT JOKE WORKED.
HERE'S A GUY WHO KNOWS THE SECRET
TO A GOOD PRACTICAL JOKE --
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION.
IF YOU'VE GOT ACCESS TO A FUNERAL HOME, USE IT.
AAH!
DID I GET YOU?
YEAH, A LITTLE BIT.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CHECK ME.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO OPEN IT UP.
I WAS GOING TO PUT YOU ON THERE FIRST.
LET ME GET YOUR OPINION ON THIS.
DON'T YOU THINK THE GUY IN THE CARDBOARD COFFIN
WOULD HAVE THOUGHT HE WAS FRIGHTENING ENOUGH
JUST BEING THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE
WITHOUT KEEPING THE SHIRT OFF TO MAKE IT DOUBLY FRIGHTENING?
SOMETIMES I GET A HANKERING FOR A GYMNASTICS CLIP.
I FEEL A LITTLE PECKISH FOR A CLIP WITH A DOG.
SOMETIMES MY HUNGER ISN'T SATISFIED
BY ANY ONE SPECIFIC VIDEO,
AND I LIKE TO FEAST AT A BANQUET FULL OF VARIETY
LIKE THIS HEARTY BUFFET.
PARALLEL BARS, HORIZONTAL BOY.
FOR LITTLE REX,
MEALTIME IS AS PERPLEXING AS IT IS DELIGHTFUL.
♪ HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE ♪
♪ WHERE THE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE PLAY ♪
Bergeron: HE STARTED IN DALLAS. HE ENDED UP IN FLUSHING.
♪ AND THE SKIES ARE NOT CLOUDY ALL DAY ♪
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY --
THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE FUNNIER THEY FALL.
[ WHISTLE BLOWS ]
[ MEN SHOUTING ]
THIS KID KNOWS IF YOU WANT TO BE A BIG-TIME WRESTLER,
YOU GOT TO WORK THE CROWD.
HI, MOM.
OH, DEAR.
WHEN IT COMES TO BARBECUING,
EVERYBODY HAS A DIFFERENT WAY OF COOKING.
SOME FOLKS LIKE MESQUITE, SOME LIKE TO USE CHARCOAL,
OTHERS COOK WITH GAS.
WHEN I GRILL, I PUT ON MY APRON, PICK UP THE PHONE,
CALL THE RIB PLACE, AND ORDER A MESS OF BABY BACKS,
AND NO ONE IS THE WISER.
NOW HERE'S A GUY WHO COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO
FROM MY TECHNIQUE.
Woman: THERE'S QUITE A FEW HAMBURGERS,
BUT I DON'T THINK WE'RE GOING TO GET TO USE THEM ALL,
BECAUSE LIKE USUAL,
NO ONE SHOWS UP WHEN I CALL THEM.
HA HA HA. VERY FEW PEOPLE COOK HAMBURGERS LIKE I DO.
ARE YOU SURE THOSE HAMBURGERS ARE OKAY?
[ LAUGHING ]
AAH!
BOY, THAT OUGHT TO BE...
EXACTLY. I THINK THEY'RE DYING.
NOTHING BUT FLAMES.
OH, MY GOD. HA HA HA.
I TOLD YOU, THERE ARE VERY FEW PEOPLE
WHO COOK HAMBURGERS LIKE I DO.
[ DOG BARKING ]
WE LIKE OURS WELL DONE.
[ LAUGHING ]
THERE. IS THAT BETTER?
THERE. I TURNED IT DOWN A LITTLE BIT.
BACK HERE THIS TIME.
Woman: I THINK YOU BETTER TAKE THEM OFF.
LUCY BROUGHT US SOME WATER.
OH, SORRY. I'M NOT PAYING ATTENTION
TO MY PHOTOGRAPHY HERE.
I GOT A PICTURE OF THE GROUND.
THERE. HOW'S THAT?
I WONDER IF THEY TASTE LIKE DIESEL FUEL.
IF YOU'RE ITCHING FOR MORE VIDEOS, GUESS WHAT.
WE GOT THEM...
WHEN "AFV" RETURNS.
VIDEO CAMERAS USED TO BE MUCH LARGER THAN THEY ARE TODAY.
NOW THEY ACTUALLY MAKE THEM SO SMALL YOU CAN SWALLOW THEM
SO YOUR DOCTOR CAN TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR STOMACH.
ON THAT NOTE, BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR OUR NEW SHOW,
"AMERICA'S FUNNIEST INTESTINES."
IN THE MEANTIME, THOUGH, CHECK THESE OUT.
I'M NOT PAYING NO MECHANIC 300 BUCKS.
I'LL FIX THESE BRAKES MYSELF.
Woman: GOD, WHAT HAPPENED?
WHAT HAPPENED?
OH, MY GOD.
I'M NOT PAYING NO CONTRACTOR 300 BUCKS.
I'LL FIX THIS GARAGE MYSELF.
AND I HAD THE CAMERA ON.
YOU'LL NEVER LIVE THIS ONE DOWN.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
EVEN IF YOU'RE NOT JUMPING ON THEM,
TRAMPOLINES CAN BE DANGEROUS.
SCRAMBLED EGGS, CORNER POCKET.
OH, YOU CAN MAKE FUN,
BUT A FIRST KISS IS STILL A FIRST KISS.
IF YOU'RE LEARNING TO SLIDE, REMEMBER, SLIDE.
[ IMITATING DOG GROWLING ]
COME ON, PAL. IT'S OBVIOUS.
YOUR DOG WANTS A TREAT. GIVE HIM A TREAT.
[ Falsetto voice ] WE ALL HAVE A D--
[ Normal voice ] I'M SORRY. I WAS JUST --
I WAS EMPATHIZING WITH THE GUY IN THE LAST CLIP THERE
FOR A SECOND.
WE ALL HAVE A DIFFERENT WAY TO RELAX.
SOME SEEK THE SOLITUDE OF A QUIET BEACH.
SOME LISTEN TO SOFT MUSIC.
STILL OTHERS CURL UP WITH A GOOD BOOK.
THERE'S ONLY ONE PLACE ON TELEVISION
YOU CAN TURN TO FOR EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE,
AND WHO KNEW IT WOULD BE HERE?
ONE OF THE MAJOR DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
IS THAT MEN HAVE A Y CHROMOSOME.
THAT'S THE REASON THAT WHEN YOU SEE A BUNCH OF GUYS
DOING SOMETHING STUPID, YOU SAY, "WHY?"
HERE ARE A LOT OF "WHY"s AND NOT A LOT OF ANSWERS.
EVERY WEEKEND, THE GUYS GET TOGETHER TO WATCH CHARLIE
DO ONE OF HIS FAMOUS TRICK SHOTS.
OHH! OHH!
HEY, THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, CHARLIE.
WELL, THAT'S ONE WAY TO FILL THE RADIATOR...
AND THE GLOVE BOX...
AND THE TRUNK.
THE PROBLEM WITH 10-GALLON HATS...
THEY'RE TOP-HEAVY.
[ SCREAMS ]
WHAA!
NOW, WHY IS IT
THAT WHENEVER A GUY SEES HIS BUDDIES DO SOMETHING,
HE'S GOT TO PROVE HE CAN DO IT, TOO?
HOLD ON, HOLD ON.
Man: WATCH HIM FALL ON HIS FACE.
HE DOESN'T KNOW HIS BELLY'S IN HIS WAY.
IT'S FILLED WITH CANDY, A SURE STOMACHACHE.
UHH!
I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR QUITE A FEW YEARS,
BUT I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS
FOR SINGLE PEOPLE TO MEET THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE.
BARS ARE TOO SEEDY.
WHEN FRIENDS SET YOU UP, THAT NEVER WORKS.
MEETING SOMEONE AT WORK MEANS YOU HAVE TO GET A JOB.
NOW, YOU COULD TRY AN INTERNET CHAT ROOM,
BUT ALL YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO MEET THERE
ARE FBI AGENTS, SO WE'D LIKE TO HELP YOU OUT.
GUYS, HERE ARE SOME LOVELY LADIES
WHO ARE READY FOR ROMANCE,
AND REMARKABLY, ARE STILL AVAILABLE.
TIFFANY'S LOOKING FOR A MAN BETWEEN 6'2" AND 37 YEARS OLD
OR A GOOD EAR, NOSE, AND THROAT DOCTOR.
Woman: WHAT IS GOING ON?!
[ SCREAMING ]
CRYSTAL'S LOOKING FOR THE STRONG, SILENT TYPE.
SHE'LL TAKE IT FROM THERE.
[ SNORING ]
NIKKI IS THE LIFE OF THE PARTY WHEREVER SHE GOES.
ALWAYS QUICK WITH A COMEBACK, SHE LIKES OFF-COLOR JOKES,
THE TANGO, AND MOVIES WITH CHIMPANZEES.
WHEN ASKED TO PICK A NUMBER BETWEEN 1 AND 10,
SHE'LL USUALLY PICK 8.
SHE'S LOOKING FOR A MAN WHO LIKES TO WALK ON THE WILD SIDE
AND WHO LIKES TO SLEEP CURLED UP AT THE FOOT OF THE BED.
AAH!
C. AND C. ARE TWINS WHO TELL PEOPLE
THEY'RE IDENTICAL ENOUGH.
FOR THEM, ANYTHING GOES EXCEPT RUDENESS AND TARDINESS.
THEY'RE LOOKING FOR A SINGLE MAN OR A SINGLE PAIR OF TWINS
OR A REALLY GOOD LOCKSMITH.
YOU GO FIRST!
SAVANNAH IS CONSIDERED ONE OF THE FINEST HORSE TASTERS
IN THE COUNTRY.
IN FACT, SHE ONCE TASTED HORSES FOR THE QUEEN.
SHE COLLECTS EMPTY FORTUNE COOKIES
AND HAS ACTUALLY NAMED ALL HER FRECKLES.
SHE'S LOOKING FOR ANY MAN NAMED OSCAR.
[ COOING ]
DAKOTA LOVES TO EAT OUT AND OWNS HER OWN TEETH.
SHE TAKES LIFE AS IT COMES AND WILL TRY ANYTHING TWICE.
SHE'S LOOKING FOR A MAN
TO HELP HER GET AWAY FROM HER PARENTS.
PEOPLE OFTEN ASK ME, "HOW CAN I BECOME A HOST?"
I'LL GIVE YOU THE SHORT VERSION 'CAUSE IT'S REALLY SIMPLE.
FIRST, YOU GET YOUR OWN SHOW, YOU TRY TO MAKE IT A BIG HIT,
THEN YOU CAN INTRODUCE CLIPS LIKE THESE.
IT'S THAT EASY.
INSTEAD OF STANDING AROUND,
WAITING FOR THE FISH TO COME TO YOU,
YOU REALLY SHOULD MEET THEM HALFWAY.
SURE, HIS ITCH IS GONE, BUT NOW HE HAS FLEAS.
Woman: NO, LANCE.
YOU LIKE THAT? YOU WANT TO GET A FREE SCRATCH?
OH, NO, NOT ANOTHER KING ARTHUR/FARMER/SPACEMAN.
MUST UNICYCLE FASTER.
PUPPETONE ROCKERS WILL GET ME!
[ BICYCLE BELL DINGS ]
[ CHEERING ]
CONGRATULATIONS. THE TROPHY FOR GRACE UNDER PRESSURE.
Man: PET HIM, CHRIS.
THIS BOY LEARNS TO COUNT TO 5 THE HARD WAY.
1...
2...
3...
4...
5.
ONE OF THE MOST EXPRESSIVE OF ALL THE ART FORMS
IS THE DANCE.
IT CAN CONVEY PASSION OR PAIN, HUMOR OR TRAGEDY,
OR IT CAN BE JUST A BUNCH OF YAHOOS
GETTING JIGGY WITH THEIR DIGGITY BOOTIES.
GOD, DO I SOUND WHITE.
[ "THE NUTCRACKER" MUSIC PLAYING ]
AH, THE DENTURE FAIRIES.
IT'S BAD ENOUGH WHEN YOU FIND OUT
YOUR FAVORITE DIVAS ARE LIP-SYNCHING,
IT'S EVEN WORSE
WHEN YOU FIND OUT THEY'RE MEN.
[ PIANO PLAYING ]
THE YANKEE DOODLE BABY.
THE HARDEST THING ABOUT BEING A BABY TAP DANCER
IS TRYING NOT TO SLIP ON YOUR OWN DROOL.
[ IRISH JIG PLAYING ]
"LORD OF THE DANCE"?
HOW ABOUT "LORD OF THE PANTS," BOYS?
THOSE OF YOU WATCHING AT HOME
MIGHT WANT TO SLIP INTO A DINNER JACKET
BECAUSE WE ARE NOW GUESTS OF THE LATEST MEMBER
OF THE VERY POSH "AFV" $10,000 CLUB.
THANK YOU FOR OUR PIZZA
AND OUR PLATES AND OUR -- AND OUR CUPS
AND -- AND OUR SILVERWARE AND OUR SUGAR
AND THANKS FOR, UM, BABY JESUS
AND THANKS FOR CHRISTMAS EVE
AND THANK YOU FOR ALL OUR PRESENTS
AND THANKS FOR MY FRIENDS AND MY BROTHER'S FRIENDS
AND MY DAD'S FRIENDS AND MY MOM'S FRIENDS
AND MY FRIENDS. AMEN.
I'M NOT GOING TO SAY IT. I'M NOT!
Man: THANK YOU, SARAH. THAT WAS VERY GOOD.
HE DIDN'T WANT ANY PART OF THAT.
I WANT EVERYBODY NOW TO GET OUT YOUR APPOINTMENT BOOKS
AND SEE IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING PLANNED
FOR THE NEXT MINUTE AND A HALF, ALL RIGHT?
NOTHING? GOOD. I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU.
ALL RIGHT, NOW IT'S TIME TO GET SERIOUS,
BECAUSE WE HAVE SOME SERIOUS MONEY TO GIVE AWAY.
OUR THREE NOMINEES ARE
"MOW-DOWN," SENT IN BY DEBBIE WHITAKER
FROM AMELIA, OHIO...
HE DOESN'T DO A GREAT JOB ON THE LAWN,
BUT HE DOES PUT ON A HECK OF A SHOW.
"MONSTER MUNCHIES,"
SENT IN BY JEFF DI NUNNO FROM UNIONTOWN, PENNSYLVANIA...
STAY TUNED FOR A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE OF...
[ SCREAMING ]
AND "RODENT REC ROOM"
SENT IN BY SID AND ED FLEMING FROM BECKLEY, WEST VIRGINIA.
NOTHING SAYS "MANLY"
LIKE HIGH-PITCHED, GIRLY SQUEALS OF FEAR.
[ SHRIEKING ]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, IT'S THAT TIME.
VOTE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER VOTED BEFORE.
WHICH OF THESE THREE WILL BE NUMBER ONE?
WILL IT BE "MOW-DOWN"...
"MONSTER MUNCHIES"...
AAH!
...OR "RODENT REC ROOM"?
WE'LL FIND OUT WHEN "AFV" RETURNS.
OF OUR VOTING.
OUR SECOND PLACE, $3,000 WINNER IS...
"RODENT REC ROOM,"
SENT IN BY SID AND ED FLEMING FROM BECKLEY, WEST VIRGINIA.
AND THE WINNER OF THE $10,000
AND TONIGHT'S FUNNIEST VIDEO IS...
"MOW-DOWN,"
SENT IN BY DEBBIE WHITAKER FROM AMELIA, OHIO.
CONGRATULATIONS, DEBBIE.
HEY, CHRIS, HOW ARE YOU?
BY THE WAY, IT'S THE CUTEST THING.
CHRIS -- WE MET HIM EARLIER,
AND HE LIFTED UP HIS LITTLE VEST.
HE'S STILL GOT GRASS STAINS.
HOW DO YOU FEEL, CHRIS?
FINE.
OKAY. WAS THAT TRAUMATIC FOR YOU?
WHAT WAS THE WORST PART,
THE GRASS ON THE BELLY OR THE PANTS DOWN
ON NATIONAL TELEVISION?
THE PANTS DOWN.
NOW, I GOT TO ASK YOU,
'CAUSE YOUR LAUGH IS SO DISTINCTIVE.
IT'S NOT MINE.
OH, THAT WASN'T YOUR LAUGH?
YOU KNOW, I WAS -- THE LAUGHTER OF THE WOMAN
AS HE'S BEING DRAGGED INTO THE WOODS
WAS NOT MOM GOING, "OH, THE HECK WITH HIM.
THIS IS TOO GOOD TO MISS"?
THAT WAS GRANDMA.
THAT WAS GRANDMA. OH! OH! OH!
THAT WAS GRANDMA.
WELL, TELL GRANDMA
WE LOVE THAT COMPLETE LACK OF MATERNAL EMPATHY
THAT SHE EVIDENCED
AND CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF YOU.
YOU GOT $10,000 NOW,
AND YOU'RE ELIGIBLE FOR OUR $100,000 AWARD
LATER IN THE SEASON, SO GOOD LUCK ON THAT
AND HAPPY LUCK GETTING LAWN WORK IN THE FUTURE.
GOOD. HOW ABOUT A HAND FOR CHRIS AND DEBBIE?
WE'VE GOT A LOT MORE CLIPS, BUT NO MORE TIME,
SO YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL OUR NEXT SHOW.
IN THE MEANTIME, GO TO abc.com, KEYWORD "AFV,"
AND SEE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE VIDEOS
AND SOME THAT HAVE NEVER BEEN SEEN ON TV BEFORE.
SUCH A DEAL.
KEEP SENDING THOSE TAPES,
'CAUSE IF YOU GET IT ON TAPE, YOU COULD GET IT IN CASH.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY. TAKE CARE.