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It seems today
that all you see
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a
Fam ily Guy!
Family Guy 9x17
The Big *** Theor
Original Air Date on May 8, 2011
Okay, Brian,
I'm goin' to the IGA.
Don't let Peter
get into the cookie dough.
Yeah, sure.
Uh, Brian?
I'm just gonna go
into the kitchen and
look at somethin'.
Peter, I know
what you're doing.
I'm just gonna
look at somethin'.
Oh! What a very
interesting thing.
Brian, can I give you money
and you write me a check
so I can order something from
this Abercrombie & Fitch
catalog?
What do you want to order?
Oh, wait, let me guess.
Him.
He got you, Stewie!
Well, um, if
it were you
You-you would take the magazine
and you'd put it on the floor
and pee on it 'cause you're
a dog and you're stupid,
and-and you have a weird
toenail halfway up your elbow.
Nice comeback.
Geez, that one
was all over the place.
I should have been
quicker than that.
I should've said, "Really?
Why would I order
your ex-boyfriend?"
And then I'd go like this.
Aw, that's so good!
Why didn't I say that?!
If only I had a time machine,
I could go back in time
and have that comeback ready.
Wait a minute.
I do have a time machine!
Brian, can I give you money
and you write me a check
so I can order something
from this Abercrombie
& Fitch catalog?
What do you want to order?
Oh, wait, let me guess:
Him.
Really?
Why would I order
your ex-boyfriend?
He got you, Brian!
Why didn't I think
of this before?
Now I can always have
the last word.
Like that ground control guy
during the moon landing.
That's one small step for man,
one giant leap for mankind.
Roger that, Neil.
We came in peace for
all the peoples of the Earth.
We read you, Neil.
We chose to go to the moon,
not because it is easy,
but because it is hard.
Had a lot of
help down here, Neil.
We have slipped
the surly bonds of Earth
and touched the face of God.
Yeah, if you could just
grab some rocks, Neil,
throw 'em in a bag,
we'll get you home
safe and sound.
This is silly fun.
I can go back in time and change
anything in Brian's life.
Aw, don't feel
bad, Peter.
Hey, I know what'll
cheer you up.
Hey, where the hell's
my banana thing?
It's peanut butter
jelly time
Peanut butter
jelly time
Peanut butter
jelly time
Where he at?
Where he at?
Oh Oh, my God.
Oh, Stewie, that
is so funny!
Oh I did not
see that comin'!
But that was my thing.
I'm pretty sure it was
the Internet's thing.
Peanut butter jelly,
peanut butter jelly
Peanut butter jelly
with a baseball bat.
Hey, you remember
a few months ago
when you scored that date with
that Victoria's Secret model
and then ended up
sealing the deal?
Oh, yeah.
That was amazing.
What was the date of that?
August 15th.
August 15th!
You betcha!
Now, I have to
leave enough time
Talking to yourself?
Gyah! Brian, Brian!
Hello!
Stewie, I know you've been going
back in time to embarrass me.
Oh, what-what,
that come on!
Oh, okay, then-then
where are you going now?
Well, I have a-a-a very
important mission.
Uh-huh.
Let me see that panel.
No, no, don't touch that!
Come on, let me see that!
Don't
Move out of the way!
No, you can't
I'm not gonna let you do this
You just touched my ***.
I'm gonna tell Mom.
What happened?
Where are we?
I don't know.
It's like
we're not anywhere.
Stewie, what the hell
did your machine do?!
Just calm down,
calm down, Brian.
I've got the return pad.
All right, step on.
What happened?
Good Lord!
This is impossible!
What? Well, the return pad works
by first locking onto
our coordinates
along the curve of the
space-time continuum.
But it can't.
Why not?
Well, the only explanation is
we've somehow been transported
outside the space-time
continuum.
I don't-I don't understand.
Non-existence.
No past, no future.
No universe.
But still
somehow a large,
brightly-colored promo
for The Cleveland Show.
Hey, y'all,
it's The Cleveland Show!
Huh.
That's weird.
Black guys usually
don't promote themselves.
Come on, Stewie, can you
fix that damn thing or not?
Well, it's not
broken, Brian.
It operates according
to the laws of physics,
but we're outside the
space-time continuum,
so there are no laws
of physics-- watch.
How the hell'd
you do that?
No laws of physics, Brian.
We create our own physics.
See, watch this.
Bum-bah, duh-duh,
bum-bah, duh-duh
Bum-bah, duh-duh,
bum-bah, duh-duh
Heart and soul
Bum-bah, duh-duh,
bum-bah, duh-duh
I fell in love with you
Bum-bah, duh-duh,
bum-bah, duh-duh
Heart and soul
Bum-bah, duh-duh,
bum-bah, duh-duh
The way a fool would do
Bum-bah, duh-duh
Madly
Bum-bah, duh-duh,
bum-bah, duh-duh
Because you held me tight
Bum-bah, duh-duh, m-bah, duh-duh
And stole a kiss in the night
Bum-bah, duh-duh, bum-bah
Did I tell you?
Yeah, that was good.
We were good.
Yeah, th-that's why it
sucks that we're alone here.
Because if-if-if
there were people here,
they would say,
"That was good.
You guys should
do that more.
"
Oh, yeah, they totally
would, but look-look,
I still want to
go home, Stewie.
How do we get
outta here?
Well, if I overload
the return pad's reactor,
it might release enough energy
to blow us back into the
universe, but it's too risky.
But it could
get us home?
Well, maybe, but
it'll break my thing.
And if I overload that reactor,
we could both die.
Well, you at least
have to try.
And if you don't, I am gonna
spend the rest of eternity
chuckling at a joke that
I am not gonna share with you.
Oh, oh, man.
What? What's the joke?
Oh, yes!
What? What is it?
You-you can't say that!
But it got said!
Wha-what what?!
By who?!
All right, fine, fine!
I'll try it,
you ***!
Now, step onto
the return pad.
Now brace yourself.
Hopefully, the explosion
will propel us into reality.
We made it.
Yeah, we made it.
Okay, now tell me the joke.
Oh, it's nothing really.
It's just this bit about
a planned parenthood clinic
on Halloween.
Next.
Brian, I am about to
show you something
that's gonna
blow your mind!
Do you know what the
big *** theory is?
Yeah, the theory that
the universe started
with a massive outward explosion
from a singularity of infinite
mass and infinite density.
Check out the big brain
on Brian.
Good.
Now, take a look.
The universe's cosmic
background radiation,
a kind of echo
of the big ***,
precisely matches the energy
spectrum of my return pad!
Well, what does
that mean?
It means my return pad's
explosion was the big ***.
But the big *** happened, like,
billions of years ago.
No, no-- we were outside
the space-time continuum.
Time and space didn't
exist until my explosion.
Which means I created
the universe, Brian.
That doesn't make any sense.
You were born in the universe.
How could you create it?
It's called a "temporal
causality loop.
"
The universe created me,
so I could create it,
so it could create
me and so on.
That's
that's the most incredible
thing I've ever heard.
So, wait, that-that
means that
I kinda created
the universe, too.
No, no, no, no.
You're, you're sort of the
Art Garfunkel of the universe.
Hey, Lois, check out what I
spelled with my Alpha-Bits.
Oh, my God.
Yeah! Now watch.
Oh, maybe later,
you'll want
the real thing.
I prefer the Alpha-Bits.
Well, I'm off
to the farmers' market.
I've gotta pick up some
plutonium for a new return pad.
In case I decide to make
another universe later.
Plutonium at the
farmers' market?
Yeah, I'm only using
organic plutonium now.
Think globally:
buy locally.
Hey, ***,
get me out of this.
Hello there, Yusuf.
Hey, Stewie!
What can I get you?
Oh, just a little
of the good stuff
for a new time machine
return pad.
Coming right up.
So, how's the whole
terrorism thing goin'?
Well, the good news is
my son died in a car bombing.
The bad news is
he borrowed my car!
Oh, God!
Oh, that's
the other reason I come here.
Okay, so here
is your plutonium.
I hope you kill
my *** wife with it.
Whoa, whoa.
Where's
that comin' from?
Eh, I'm just a little upset
because she left me.
I guess she didn't know
what "jihad.
"
Come on!
Oh, sorry!
So
Stewie Griffin invented
a time machine.
Bertram!
Hello, Stewie.
You don't realize it yet,
but your life is about
to cease to exist.
What are you talking about?
I am going to kill
one of your ancestors,
effectively erasing you
from history!
Here! Play with this!
At least you can spend
your final moments
doing something you enjoy.
You know, it's funny, I had
actually stopped playing
with that toy, but now that
I see you with it,
I kinda want to play
with it again.
Look at me! I'm mowing the lawn!
What the hell's
all that noise?
Brian, it was Bertram!
He's gone into the past,
and he claims he's
going to
Stewie, what's going on?!
Peter, what was that?!
Quick, Brian, into
the time machine!
Stewie, what the hell
was that?!
Those were ripples
in time, Brian,
emanating from some
point in the past.
And there's only
one explanation.
Bertram told me he planned
to kill one of my ancestors.
He must have succeeded,
thereby changing the
past and erasing me.
But what has that got
to do with?
I created the universe, Brian!
Bertram didn't know that by
removing me from history,
I wouldn't be there to be
accidentally thrown outside
the universe and subsequently
create it.
So the universe never existed!
Well, we have
to stop him!
Yes.
Unfortunately, Bertram
took the return pad with him,
so we'll only get
one shot at this.
Ah, here it is.
Now we'll have to
travel back in time
to a point shortly before
Bertram's arrival.
Get ready, Brian.
How long until
Bertram arrives?
I can't be certain, but
I'd say about 15 minutes.
Where do you
think we are?
I don't know.
Looks like
the Renaissance.
It does.
This doesn't count
as our trip to Italy.
Brian, look!
There's the Mona Lisa.
And it's unfinished!
We must be in Leonardo da Vinci's studio!
Quick! Someone's coming!
That must be Leonardo da Vinci!
Stewie, he looks
just like you!
Da Vinci must be
my ancestor.
Good Lord!
That's who Bertram's
here to kill!
So that means
you're Italian.
Of course!
My love for SpaghettiOs
and smoking on the toilet.
It all makes sense.
Ew.
My God, da Vinci
is your ancestor!
But why would
Bertram go back
this far
to get rid of you?
Ah, you're forgetting I
initially encountered Bertram
as a *** in one
of the fat man's balls,
so he couldn't get rid
of the fat man
or any recent ancestor
on my father's side.
Bertram had to go back
enough generations
to make sure he
was snuffing out
the ancestral source
of my genius
without affecting his own.
And apparently, it's
Leonardo da Vinci.
Boy, I'm-a sick of da pizza.
Well, we've gotta stop Bertram.
What are we gonna do?
Don't worry, Brian,
I'll come up with something.
Remember, I'm a genius.
Like Thomas Edison.
Thomas, what are
you doing?!
Experimenting.
Brian, look!
Mama mia!
What is this-a?!
Leonardo da Vinci, I presume.
Who are you-a,
little-a lisping baby?
Your assassin,
you overrated caricaturist!
Stewie!
That's my name,
don't wear it out.
See, that's
brand-new to him.
Ey!
Ey!
You're about to be yesterday's
hopscotch chalk
on a sidewalk, Stewie!
Erased!
Yeah, no, I-I got
the metaphor,
but, Bertram, if
you erase me,
you'll destroy
the universe!
What are you talking about?
Listen to him, Bertram!
It's true!
Brian and I were trapped outside
the space-time continuum
and the only way for us
to get back was to overload
my old return pad!
The resulting explosion
was the big ***!
So if you kill me,
you're killing yourself
and everything else that ever
existed or will exist!
Worth it!
You fool!
Hey, Bertram,
what's your favorite kind
of bottled water?
Huh?
Mine's Arrowhead.
Wow, that was
dramatic.
My God, he's really dead.
This is it.
Yeah.
But why hasn't the universe
ceased to exist?
I don't know.
Unless
there's still a chance
of me being born.
But da Vinci is dead
Yes, but we're still here.
So I must have done, or will do,
something that will save
the universe.
If I can just figure out
what that is.
Oh! Bertram just
voided his bowels.
That's it!
The genetic material needed
for my creation is inside me.
So I'll take da Vinci's place
and pass it on.
Wait, how did you get
that from "bowels"? Huh?
I'm just wondering how
you got that from
You know what?
I don't care.
Will, will that
work, though?
You taking
da Vinci's place?
Only one way to find out.
All right, I'm going
to send you back five minutes
after we disappeared
in the time machine.
If all goes well,
the universe should be
intact this time.
Good luck, old friend.
Hopefully, I'll be leaving you
a future to return to.
I'm gonna miss you, Stewie.
Good luck.
You did it, Stewie.
You did it.
Uh can I help you?
Are you Brian Griffin?
Yes.
I'm-a from the Vatican,
and this is for you.
What is it?
The Vatican has been
holding this note for you
for about 500 years.
It was left to us by
Leonardo da Vinci himself,
with instructions
that it be delivered
to you on this exact-a
date at this exact-a time.
Dear Brian,
It's been a week
since you left,
and I'm pretty sure I've set
things right.
So I've built a cryogenic
stasis device,
and am placing myself inside
it, leaving instructions for it
to be buried
in very specific coordinates
in what will be future Quahog.
If everything goes according
to plan,
I will have spent
the next 500 years
buried beneath our basement.
Oh, my God!
A tip is-a customary!
Stewie!
Stewie! Stewie, you okay?!
You gotta
kiss him to wake him up.
What?
I'm not gonna kiss you.
Stewie can't hear you.
He's not awake.
Only a kiss will wake him up.
Well, I better get Meg.
Oh, oh, oh, where am I?
Wha?
Stewie, what the hell happened?!
Oh, well, shortly
after you left,
da Vinci's girlfriend
showed up,
so I injected her
with my DNA.
You had sex?
No, I put my DNA
inside her.
Right.
You had sex.
No, what are
you not getting?
I put a sample of my
DNA in a syringe
and I injected her
on the staircase,
the couch and
the balcony.
Well, whatever
the case, thank God.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, hey,
I brought you something
from da Vinci's workshop.
A candle?
I can get a candle now.
You couldn't have grabbed me
one of his original notebooks?
You know, I didn't have
to bring you back anything.
It's almost like
you didn't.