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Hello, everyone, it's me. Light Yagami. I know I don't usually come out and address
you like this but, yeah. Mun apparently promised you a thing for when we had 400 followers,
and now we have 530. And she still hadn't gotten around to it, because Mun is the one
person I know who is lazier than Matt. But in any case, she promised you a thing. I didn't
have any say in this. She told me if I didn't do it, she was going to start up another thread
with Beyond or Melo. So, yeah. I don't want to be doing this but I'm here, under duress.
And if you guys are interested enough in all the things that happen to me to be following
me, yeah. You probably get a kick out of that, don't you? You probably wouldn't have it any
other way than me doing things against my will. That's your thing. Okay. Not that I'm
bitter. You know, great. You care. You follow me. But at the same time--seriously? What
is wrong with you? Who in their right minds would look at the stuff that happens to me
and go, "Hey, I want to read more of that?" I know some crazy people. I know some sadistic
people. But really? 530? I don't even know what to say to that, except, thanks for following?
I guess? I guess any attention is better than no attention. A little help would be better,
but that's not what I'm here for. I'm here to answer all of those burning questions that
you sent me. Yay. So, the sooner I get this done with, the sooner I can leave. So I guess
I'll just dive right in and see what stupidity all of you have sent me to brighten up my
day. First question. What are you most afraid Beyond (the one who's sewing your eyes shut
and stuff) will do to you? Seriously? Really? This is what you all wanted to ask me? Okay,
first off, I don't want to answer that question because, if I had to guess, that *** is
probably watching, and there are enough bad ideas on what to do to me in his head already.
They don't need company. He doesn't need any help coming up with ***. That aside, if I
had to answer, it's not-- it's not the beatings or the burnings or any of that that really
scares me about Beyond. It's the thought that maybe, when he's done with all that, that
he'll win, I guess. That I won't be the same person anymore, that he'll get into my brain
and that he'll get to the point that he could leave the door open in front of me and I would
know that he's going to kill me the minute that I'm not useful to him, and I know, I
do know that, but that it's just not going to matter. I won't leave. So, yeah. Depressing
enough for you yet? Next question. Do you consider yourself aromantic? Note, that is
all one word. Not "a romantic" but "aromantic." And the answer is, you know, I don't really
like putting those kind of labels on myself. I don't really think about it that much. It's
just, like, I know there are people out there who are like freakishly slutty rabbits *cough*
Matt *cough* but I've just never been that kind of person. It's not something I think
about. It's not something I really worry about. You know, would it be nice if it happened?
Yeah. Do I think it's likely to? No. Do I think I'm particularly capable of it? Probably
not. So in that sense, I guess, yes, probably, if I thought about it, but I don't really
think about it. It's just not something that matters to me. I've got more pressing issues
in my life. Sorry if I disappointed any shippers, but yeah. I don't know; I don't care. Next
question. Who are you more afraid of, Beyond or Melo? Christ on a bike. You people are
sick. Not to mention, that is the dumbest *** question I have ever been asked, and
I've been asked some really dumb *** questions. I mean, Beyond or Melo? Making that choice,
it's not a choice. The answer is no. No to both, no to all, just no. It's like asking
me, "Hey, would you rather have a rabid ferret munching on your *** or a rabid weasel munching
on your ***?" And the answer is no. Really, it's just-- before I go any further, if either
Beyond or Melo or both is watching this, the rabid ferret thing is an analogy, not a suggestion.
That aside, and it is still a realy dumb *** question, if I had to pick between the two
which was more frightening to me, I think I'd have to go with Melo. And there's-- the
reason why is because, so far, at least, Beyond has some limits. Beyond is crazy. Beyond is
an ***. But Beyond has some limits. Melo wouldn't know the definition of the word "limit"
if you smacked him over the head with a *** dictionary. It's not in his vocabulary; it's
not in his nature. He doesn't have any. So yeah, in this particular choice, I guess I'm
going to have to go with, I like the rabid weasel less. Once again, a meaningless question.
Next. How would you describe your relationship with L? Helpfully subtitled, "the cookie one."
My relationship with L is complicated, but if I had to sum it up... *awkward silence*
I... *awkward silence* Next question. Next question. Oh, this one's not a question. This
one just says, "Do the laugh." And yes, I get it. This one time, I laughed and it sounded
a bit odd. But come on, guys. That was the worst day of my life. I was under severe emotional
stress. That was the last day of my life, might I add. Cut me a little *** slack.
Like, I don't get why it's so funny. Let's see you have a breakdown and sound sane. I
don't-- that's not how it works. You're not going to rest until I do it, are you? Great.
I'll give it my best shot. I'll give it my best shot. *Kira cackling* Happy now? Admit
it, you wanted to *** Matt, didn't you? You people are trying to get me killed, do you
know that? Do you appreciate that? Trying to get me killed. As if once were not enough.
All right. To make things perfectly clear again, I'm not interested in that. Not with
Matt, not with other people, just not. And particularly Matt, okay? Matt is an ***.
Less of an *** than some other people I know, but that's a lot like saying, "Hey,
that guy's pretty tall for a dwarf." Just because I know bigger *** doesn't make
him less of one. Now, I suppose yes, in a sense, I did want to, but it had nothing to
do with Matt and everything to do with that blond ***, douchecanoe, *** ***
of a boyfriend of his. Is it really that hard for you guys to wrap your head around the
idea that maybe, maybe, I get tired of getting the *** kicked out of me. That maybe, once
in a while, I want to turn the tables, just for a second, just for a minute, and I don't
care how it happens I just, if there's a chance, there was a chance to get a little bit of
my own back, to get a little bit of my dignity back, and to get a little bit of revenge,
and I don't think that's unjustified. So, yeah. In that sense, yes, I did. And in that
sense, am I disappointed that it didn't work out? Yes and no, because I'm pretty sure I
would have ended up dead, but you know what? It's going to happen anyway, sooner or later.
It would have been nice-- it would have been nice to be able to rub it in his face while
he killed me, at least. But alas, it was not to be. And I'm still here, and you're still
there asking me dumb questions. So, moving right along. Two questions left. If you'd
beaten Near, what would you have done next? Huh. I can't say I've entirely given up my
hope of doing that, so that would be telling. But I can tell you something that I won't
do that you all think I will. I will not be publicizing my name and building churches
and monuments to myself. I have an ego, but give me some credit here, guys. I'm also a
genius, and I don't like being shot at. I'm not going to put myself out there while I'm
still alive as a target for every would-be glory hound or extraneous Wammy's brat that
still out there. No. Now, if things had gone the way I wanted them to in the warehouse,
I would have left with Mikami, I would have started out life under a new name where nobody
knew who I was, and I would have loved every minute of it. And then, after I was safely
dead of old age or natural causes, then and only then would it have been revealed that
I had been Kira all along. And then I could have the churches, and then I could have the
monuments, but not before. Okay? That's the one piece of the plan I can tell you, is that
if I win, you're not going to be seeing me. Last question. On March 9, 2014, Light Yagami
will die of a heart attack upon realizing who gave him this note. Really? Really, Mun?
Yeah, that's hysterical. Great joke. I'm just dying of laugh-- *Kira cackle* Oh, I wish
I could see the looks on your faces right now. You must be so disappointed. Sorry, guys,
I put that one there just to *** with you. See? Oh, God, I wish I could see your faces
right now. You must be so disappointed. Bite me. All you little schadenfreudic dicks can
bite me. It's going to take more than that to be rid of me, suckers. So, I guess that's
all the show I've got for you. I'll be seeing you around. Thanks for following, I guess.
*Kira cackle* Ah, this was fun after all.