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I'm Kikis. I'm 33.
Each time I say my age people tell me: Wow 33, that's cool.
The age of Christ.
What's up with that? What do they mean with Christ age?
Is like if I ask: what's your age?
-9. -Oh! Paulette's age!
I'm a comedian like you can see.
And people ask me: why do you do comedy?
Why aren't you runway model?
Or a hands model, or feet model?
I'm a comedian because I followed my mom's advices.
Since I was little my mom told me: Kikis…
If they only paid you for saying stupid things…
I know they said that to a lot of people here,
including the people in the cameras,
but I listen to my mom.
Well sometimes, because she also said,
you know what you should do?
You should find a good, working, honest,
reasonable man that loves you, that's faithful.
I went out and looked for a woman.
It's hard. Yes, I'm gay.
And they always stay like that.
Thinking: no way! She doesn't look like!
But yes I'm gay.
And they tell me, it's ok your gay, it's ok.
But you go on stages; thousands of people see you, like here,
thousands of people see you in huge stages.
Why don't you…
More effort to…
Why don't you look more like…
Feminine?
Really?
Today in the morning that I had to come and record this,
I thought: I'm going to make an effort.
For sure these dudes have an amazing audience,
thousands and millions of people.
I had to make an effort, so I put makeup in my eyes,
I wore earrings, I fixed my hair.
And I made it. I managed to look like a gay kid.
But just looking more feminine is hard.
You set a high… Girls from the audience, you set a high standard.
For me to look more feminine for example…
To wear a good cleavage, a cool one…
You need *** right?
I don't have any.
To get on very high heels…
You need balls. I don't have any.
And I know there's nothing in the world that will make a woman
look more feminine than speaking bad about men.
And for that you need to have sex with them.
I owe it to you.
With men I have like…
Curiosity, doubts.
So, you see a beautiful girl pass by.
She sits at the bar where they are, she's gorgeous,
single, alone, she's had some martinis…
And you don't get close!
You prefer to *** with the memory. Why?
To my guy friends, they forget I'm a woman,
I don't know how if I'm wearing pink.
But they forget.
So they see a beautiful girl going by and they say:
Kikis come come! You have to…
Look at that ***, look at those ***.
Dude! I'm a girl.
I see her hands, the smile…
And then I see the *** and the *** and everything else,
but it's by stages.
I do have to say something to men in representation of all women.
Men…
All of us know you have testicles, I swear.
All of us know where you have them.
And neither of us care if you're itchy.
Stop dude!
So girls, I've been thinking about this.
I have a proposition, something *** cool, almost a NGO.
It's an important proposal towards gender equality.
My proposal is:
tomorrow, it doesn't matter the day when you see this,
we go out to our normal and sexy lives like we are.
And suddenly walking on the streets,
just like that, we grab ourselves a ***.
Or both of them, *** it! Like this.
Or that we can scratch our ***,
but with dignity.
That we stop doing this…
Or this…
They're ours! We're itchy, *** it!
Scratch it comfortably.
That we're… What are you ashamed about scratching?
Call me. Send me a Tweet @soylakikis and super-fast.
That we're going to fix our bra, we have a rod here.
Imagine you have a rod at your balls, exactly!
It's super uncomfortable.
It's so good you don't have one
because it would be a perfect excuse.
The rod is sticking in.
It got stuck to my thigh.
It's good we have it at the *** and you don't at your balls.
But that we can fix our bra freely, comfortably.
Speaking of bras and ***,
have you seen how us women put on our bra?
For sure the camera guys haven't,
but people at their homes for sure have.
So, if you have *** since you were 11, you're pros.
You put one arm in, the other one,
and you can fasten it with one hand.
If you learned to fasten a bra looking at your mom
or your grandma, for sure you fasten it
and then do something like…
And then you put the arms in.
If you know you're flat since you were 11,
you just fasten it and then wear it as a t-shirt.
Stop imagining me doing that.
Now, it's not enough to wear a bra, it's not enough.
You have to adjust your *** inside the bra.
The ones that do have ***, ***,
they take them with pleasure, knowingly,
to fill at least one hand,
they put their hand inside and adjust the ***.
The ones that don't have ***, we do something like this…
Dude! Nothing ever comes down!
Nothing ever comes down, except for my self-esteem. *** it.
There are women that have ***, but not well distributed.
These women take some love handles,
some back, they end up with things…
You have seen them for sure, divine!
I have to admit something, I have to confess something.
Everything I just told you about *** and stuff,
I do it for one reason so that every woman
that's watching me right now, when they put a bra on,
they'll be thinking of me.
Yes I'm a lesbian, not an idiot.
Thank you. I'm Kikis.