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[ TCHAIKOVSKY'S "1812 OVERTURE" PLAYS ]
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, MARLON.
YOU'RE T
YOU HAD TO STAND NEXT TO MICHAEL RENNIE
THE WHOLE PICTURRRE.
YOU SHOULD TALK, ROD. I SAW WATERLOO.
EVERYTHING WAS DUBBED.
I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD OF WHAT ANYONE WAS SAYING.
THEFORE, THAT MAKES ME THE BETTER NAPOLEON.
YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE. YOU WERE ON YOUR WAY THROUGH RUSSIA.
IT JUST WASN'T YOUR NIGHT.
WASN'T MY NIGHT? WASN'T MY NIGHT?
AFTER AUSTERLITZ, I COULD HAVE TAKEN EUROPE APART.
LISTEN, YOU HAD SOME CAVALRY. YOU WERE SENT SOME DRAGOONS.
YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, DO YOU, CHARLIE?
I COULD HAVE TAKEN MOSCOW.
I COULD HAVE STAYED EMPEROR
INSTEAD OF BEING STUCK HERE ON ELBA, WHICH IS WHERE I AM.
LISTEN, YOU, FRANCOIS, PULL OVER.
[ BUZZ, BUZZ ]
HEY! I'M LARRY HAGMAN.
AND I'M GUY KIBBEE.
AND WELCOME TO "I DREAM OF SMELLY THINGS ON FURNITURE."
"I DREAM OF FURNITURE STRIPPING."
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU'RE DOING FURNITURE STRIPPING,
IT'S NOT A LOT OF BRAINWORK.
SO, IN ORDER TO KEEP FROM GOING SANE,
YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT COMPLETELY OTHER THINGS.
AND THAT, OF COURSE, YOU KNOW REALLY IS JOE L'ERARIO
AND I'M ED FELDMAN.
IT'S CALLED "FURNITURE TO GO."
THEY MAKE US SAY THAT EVERY STINKING WEEK.
WHY? SO YOU WON'T CONFUSE US WITH JAMES BURKE --
THE GUY THEY REALLY WANT TO WIN THE AWARDS.
THAT'S "CONNECTIONS LIGHT," YOU KNOW.
IN THE OLD SHOW
HE USED TO GO FROM ALGIERS TO THE ANTARCTICA,
AND NOW, THEY HAVE ENOUGH BUDGET
SO HE CAN GO TO THE END OF HIS DRIVEWAY.
HERE WE GO. HE'S PUTTING THE REMOVER ON HERE.
OVER HERE, I GOT -- LET ME TURN THIS A LITTLE BIT, ED.
THIS IS A PEW, BY THE WAY. AND BOY, DOES IT.
IT'S "PEWY."
AND WE'RE PATTING ON OUR FAVORITE ORANGE STRIPPER.
AY.
I'M GOING TO USE THE CHIPS OVER HERE.
FIRST, I WANT TO DON THE DUST MASK.
AND SINCE IT IS A SORT OF A RELIGIOUS THING,
IT IS OUT OF SOME SORT OF PLACE OF WORSHIP,
I AM WEARING A "YAMAHA."
BUT THIS IS ABOUT FROM LAT
AND I GOT THE PLANER CHIPS.
THE STRIPPER'S BEEN ON HERE FOR ABOUT AN HOUR.
TAKE THE CHIPS AND RUB.
YOU'LL SEE PARTS LIKE THE BASE AND INSIDE OF THE BACK.
WE'RE NOT STRIPPING THAT.
WE'RE GOING TO BE COVERING THAT IN A MOST UNUSUAL WAY.
IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY FINISH ON IT ANYWAY.
MOST OF THIS PEW IS WALNUT.
THE BOTTOM, HOWEVER, IS PINE,
BUT WE'RE GOING TO STRIP THAT AS WELL.
ALWAYS WEAR A DUST MASK.
IF YOU DON'T, THE NOSE HAIRS ARE GOING TO TAKE ON
THE WINTRY LOOK OF THE SCOTCH PINE.
AND ALL NIGHT LONG AT THE DINNER TABLE,
YOU'RE GOING TO BE SNEEZING.
AND ALL THAT STUFF'S GOING TO COME OUT.
SO, WEAR A DUST MASK. YOU'LL SAVE YOUR LUNGS.
I'M GOING TO THE DIFFERENT MASK,
BECAUSE I'M USING LACQUER THINNER ON THE SIDE HERE.
HE'S ALREADY USED HIS CHIPS TO TAKE OFF THE OLD REMOVER.
I'M GOING TO USE PRETZELS NOW. WE'VE DONE THE CHIPS...
I'M DOING THE CHIPS ON THE FIRST LEVEL OF REMOVER.
.
ISN'
NOW, WITH THIS, YOU COULD USE A SCRUB BRUSH
TO GET ALL THE STUFF ON HERE,
AND YOU CAN ALSO USE THE ABRASIVE PAD TO SCRUB.
THAT'S VERY PRETTY. VERY, VERY PRETTY.
YOU SHOULD ALSO WEAR SOME GOGGLES.
NOW, ONCE YOU GET THE WHOLE THING WASHED...
LIKE THIS HERE...
HOLD IT. HOLD IT.
OH, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
I'LL WORK THIS SIDE OF THE STREET.
YOU KNOW, ANOTHER GOOD THING ABOUT THIS STRIPPER --
YOU CAN ACTUALLY REUSE IT
EVEN THOUGH IT'S PICKING UP A LOT OF THE STUFF.
YOU CAN USE IT ON YOUR NEXT STRIPPING JOB.
HERE, I GOT MORE CHIPS OVER THE LACQUER THINNER
TO DRY UP THE LACQUER THINNER.
TAKE THE BRUSH AGAIN.
AND THERE YOU HAVE YOUR CLEAN STRIPPING JOB.
MORE PEW WORK.
LOOK, CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES.
DOESN'T THE POPE HAVE ONE OF THOSE?
HE SOLD ONE. GAVE IT TO THE POOR, MADE A LOT OF MONEY.
YEAH, SURE. HE'S GOT A RING ON HIS FINGER WORTH 8 GRAND.
THIS IS THE SAME PIECE.
SEE, WHERE WE GOT THIS FROM,
THERE WERE A WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM.
KE, 40 E.
ONE OF THE LITTLE ROSETTES HERE, IT WAS BROKEN.
[ In whiny voice ] JUST BROKE OFF.
SO, IF YOU TAKE THE CHISEL, THAT'LL KNOCK THAT RIGHT OFF.
AND WE CUT THESE OFF WITH A BIG, GIANT HACKSAW.
WELL, WE HAD SOMEBODY CUT THEM OFF.
BUT YOU CAN CUT THEM OFF WITH A COPING SAW.
YOU SAY, "I CAN COPE. I CAN COPE. I CAN'T COPE."
HOW LONG IS THIS SHOW?
JUST KEE
THIS ONE IS SCREWED UP ANYWAY...
I'M JUST SHOWING YOU, THIS IS THE WAY IT'S DONE.
THE MAIN THING IS WE GOT THREE OF THESE.
YOU CAN CUT IT THIS WAY.
AND WE WANT TO SAND THE BACK.
THAT'S WRONG. YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN CUT BREAD THAT WAY.
LOOK AT THAT. IT'S GOT A LITTLE BUTTON --
"BODY PARTS TO GO."
WE HAVE TO SAND OFF THE INSIDE, SO IT FITS FLUSH.
AND THEN, WE'LL CUT THIS OFF HERE.
NOW THAT YOU CAN DO.
TAKES LESS TIME.
IN THE MEANTIME, IN BETWEEN TIME --
YOU SEE WHAT YOU GOT HERE?
THERE'S ACTUALLY A DOWEL IN THERE.
THIS MIGHT COME OUT.
LET'S SEE, IT MAY NOT COME OUT.
?
JUST STAY RIGHT THERE.
HE NEEDS THE BELT SANDER.
I GOT TO GO BACK HERE.
I NEED THE PLIERS.
P-P-P-PERFECT EXTRACTION. SEE THAT?
ONE."
"BUT, DOCTOR, THE DISCHARGE IS IN MY EAR."
FAMOUS PUNCH LINES FROM HISTORY.
WAIT A MINUTE. LET'S GET THIS.
I DIDN'T REALLY HAVE TO PUT ANY GLUE ON THE MIDDLE
BECAUSE THERE'S A HOLE THERE.
BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
NOW, OF COURSE, WE'LL CLEAN, G.
SURE, WE WILL.
PUT THAT RIGHT ON THERE.
WILL YOU LET ME?
I HAVE TO SIGHT IT UP.
AMERICA, WATCH THE BALD SPOT.
EVER
AND WE'LL PU A PI
[ In child's voice ] RIGHT ON HERE.
THAT'S A HOMEMADE CLAMP IF EVER I'VE SEEN ONE.
TLLearning ChC
[ DISTANT
WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?
[ Laughing ] SOMEBODY HAD AN ACCIDENT OFF-CAMERA.
I'M PUTTING IN BUNK PEWS. SEE, THIS IS THE FIRST COLUMN.
POURED CONCRETE.
HEY, PITCH! PITCH IN HERE!
THERE WE GO.
THAT'S FOR THE HIGH ANGLICANS.
I'M GOING TO SHELLAC.
THE WHOLE PIECE HAS BEEN STRIPPED,
WASHED WITH NAPHTHA, ALLOWED TO DRY, AND WE DID REPAIRS.
NOW, LOOK AT THIS PRETTY COLOR THAT COMES ON HERE
WITH NO STAIN AT ALL ON THE PEW.
LOOK AT THAT.
THIS IS A SPITCOAT OF SHELLAC.
YOU KNOW, FIVE PARTS...
[ MUMBLING ]
AND WHAT ARE WE PUTTING ON?
♪ SPITCOAT PEOPLE WHO NEED SPITCOAT ♪
THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S A SMART MAN.
THERE WE GO. LOOK AT THAT.
NOW, YOU LET THIS DRY, SAND IT DOWN LIGHTLY,
AND THEN, WE'LL APPLY THE "VARNEESH."
TO F
[ In child's voice ] HEY, STEVE.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU, NORM?
I'M JUST GOING TO SEE HOW THIS FITS.
I DID THIS ON MY LASER-GUIDED STAPLE GUN.
[ In normal voice ] HEY, THAT'S GOING TO LOOK NICE.
LOOK PRETTY?
[ In child's voice ] I'LL JUST GO BACK AND CONTINUE
WITH MY LOW-YIELD FISSION EXPLOSION STAPLING MACHINE.
[ In child's voice ] OKAY. SOUNDS GOOD.
AND AFTERWARD, THIS WOULD BE A GOOD SEAT FOR YOU, NORM.
EXTRA WIDE.
MY MINISERIES IS SPONSORED BY MOLSON'S.
[ In normal voice ] I'M GOING TO DO THE SEAT NOW.
AND THE SEAT IS VERY MUCH THE SAME AS THE BACK.
WHEN WE SPREAD THE REPEATED, PATTERNED FABRIC OVER THE SEAT,
WE WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT IT WILL LINE UP WITH THE BACK
WITH THE SAME KIND OF CURVES, MEETING THE SAME KIND OF CURVES.
OH, YOU KNOW.
AND I FLIP IT OVER.
AND LOOK, SOMEONE'S ALREADY BEEN STAPLING IT.
N
PULLING THIS TIGHT
AND STAPLING ALONG THE INSIDE.
AND NOT HAVING TO BE VERY CAREFUL
ABOUT HOW WE DO OUR STAPLES, BECAUSE NOBODY WILL SEE INSIDE.
WHERE DOES THIS THING COME FROM?
I THINK IT'S ANGLICAN.
I DON'T THINK IT'S CATHOLIC. I DON'T THINK IT'S METHODIST.
ALL THE POMP, LESS GUILT.
SLOP
AND HERE I AM SITTING IN MY PEW.
IT'S A NICE PEW.
A LOT OF PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW WHAT I DID BEFORE I MET ED.
[ Laughing ] I SPENT A LOT OF TIME IN BARS.
AND ONE BAR --
I USED TO HANG OUT WITH THAT GUY IN THE PAINTING BACK THERE --
THAT'S MY FRIEND, DONALD.
WE USED TO HANG OUT IN THIS BAR THAT WAS ALL DARK-WOOD PANELING.
THE ACTUAL BAR WAS ALL WALNUT, MAHOGANY.
SO, THIS KIND OF TAKES ME BACK TO THOSE DAYS.
AND OLD DONALD IS DEAD NOW.
BUT HE WAS A GOOD FRIEND, AND I MISS HIM.
SO, I'LL CALL THIS THE DONALD SHOW.
YOU SEE HOW PRETTY THE VARNISH GOES.
IT'S GOT THAT SHELLAC SEALER COAT ON THERE.
AND THEN IT WAS SANDED DOWN WITH, LIKE, A 320 PAPER
AND THEN, TACK-RAGGED, OF COURSE. TACK-RAAAAGED.
AND YOU THROW THIS VARNISH ON REAL FAST, LIKE THAT.
AND THEN YOU GO BACK AND DO YOUR TOUCH-UPS.
E.
YOU SEE ALL THOSE BUBBLES THAT ARE OCCURRING?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THOSE. GO BACK AND PICK THOSE UP AFTER.
NOW, HERE WE GO. WE'LL COME BACK TO THAT.
GIVE THEM TIME TO DRIP A LITTLE BIT.
AND WE'LL COME BACK AND PICK UP THE DRIPS.
I THINK THE AVERAGE WHITE BAND DID THAT.
[ Laughing ] "PICK UP THE DRIPS."
THAT WAS THE FLIP SIDE OF "PICK UP THE PIECES."
"CUT THE TASTYKAKE."
NOW YOU'RE REGIONAL THERE.
OH, I'M REGIONALIZING. WHAT CAN I DO?
THIS REMINDS ME TO WHEN I WAS SAMURAI RABBINICAL STUDENT.
THAT'S WHAT I DID BEFORE I MET JOE.
[ SPEAKING YIDDISH WITH SAMURAI ACCENT ]
THAT'S NOT INSULTING TOO MANY PEOPLE.
I FIGURE JEWS, JAPANESE,
AND JOHN BELUSHI ALL AT THE SAME TIME.