[Crickets Chirping]
[Glasses Clinking]
Hey! What the hell is goin' on?
I'm tryin' to sleep here.
Ooh, ooh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Well, now that you're up,
care for a drink?
At 3:30 in the morning,
all I care for is a sleep.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Before you go to sleep
there's one thing I gotta tell ya.
There are times
when I really envy you
with your happy marriage and your
wonderful wife waiting for you back home.
But this isn't one of them.
Boy, you can take it from me
Millie Carpenter is quite a woman.
Congratulations.
You're the number one lover boy
in the whole fraternity.
Good night.
Oh, yeah.
Good night.
Good night.
You know, it's amazing how much pleasure
two people can give each other
and on a Wednesday night.
- Major!
- Ah! What is it, Klinger?
I got something very exciting
to talk to you about.
- Once-in-a-lifetime kind of stuff.
- Your lifetime or mine?
Sir, I've been giving some
thought to the fact
that this war can't last forever.
- Well, it's certainly been trying its best.
- Have you given any thought
to what you're gonna do
after it's over?
Well, Klinger, if for some
reason I choose not to reenlist
I thought I might try
my hand at being a surgeon.
That's a nice business.
But did it ever occur to you
that the bottom could
fall out of medicine?
You're right, Klinger.
An epidemic of health could break out.
Now, if you'll excuse me, this is
the kind of conversation I like to avoid.
- What kind?
- The kind where you're talking and I'm listening.
I got a business proposition.
For one low, initial investment
you get 50%% of the company and your name
on the door right below mine.
Oh, that's tempting,
Klinger, but I think not.
Come on, Major.
Who else can I turn to?
Well, what about your enterprising
Bedouin relatives back in Toledo?
My Uncle Amir would
jump at this in a second.
But he's been on his butt ever since his
door-to-door pita bread business went belly-up.
Klinger, don't you have places
to go, people to bother?
All I ask is that you meet me
behind the generator shed
at 2:00 a.
m.
For the big unveiling.
It's not a date.
Now,
if you will excuse me
I have some
being alone to attend to.
- You're a cautious businessman.
I like that in a partner.
- [Stammers]
One sure test of good oatmeal is that
you can't fill your fountain pen with it.
What the oatmeal lacks in solidity,
the coffee more than makes up for.
When you haven't had much sleep,
there's nothing like a good cup of coffee
you can really sink your teeth into.
People, could I have your attention
for a moment, please? I've got some news.
Oh, I hope we're not going home.
I still have some things at the laundry.
I'm afraid it's not very happy news.
One of our nurses
Lieutenant Millicent Carpenter,
has been killed.
- [Gasping, Murmuring]
- Oh, Lieutenant Carpenter!
- My God, how did it happen?
- Her body was found this morning.
The best I can figure is she
took a long walk last night
somehow wandered off the road and
stepped on a mine.
[All Gasping, Murmuring]
Padre, can you handle
the, uh, memorial service?
Of course.
Time and day will be
put on the bulletin board.
Uh, if you'd like
I'll serve as summary court officer
and arrange for her disposition.
Yeah, that's what I had in mind.
Perhaps someone would like
to deliver a eulogy at the service.
Oh, that's a real nice idea, Padre.
Is there anybody here who was
especially close to Lieutenant Carpenter
and, uh, would like to say a few words
in her memory at the service?
I'll take care of it, Colonel.
- Father.
- Hello, Hawkeye.
You looking for somebody?
I thought maybe
you could use a hand.
No, I think I can handle it.
Lord knows it's not the first time.
Unfortunately, I'm all
too experienced at this.
Where do you send all this stuff?
I don't know yet.
Her 201 file is stuck
in the backlog at H.
Q.
I was hoping to find something here
that would give me a clue as to her next of kin.
Well, there must be
a letter or something.
Yes, well, that's what I thought.
But I haven't found anything yet.
Yeah.
Hawkeye, something on your mind?
Father, I'd like to do the eulogy.
Hi.
Everything okay?
I told Father Mulcahy
that I would do the eulogy.
- I had to do it.
- Yeah?
When I saw that nobody else
volunteered, I realized that
Father Mulcahy would
just do one of those routine services
where all you do is just
fill in the blanks.
Hey, give him a little more
credit than that.
Well, I'm not knocking Mulcahy,
but what can he say?
That she was a nice person
who died before her time
and now she's gone on
to a better world.
I'll tell ya, Hawk
at a time like that,
I don't think it's the words.
What's important is we're all going
to be together to listen to them.
No, it's got to be more than that.
It's gotta say something about Millie.
Sounds like she meant
more to you than I thought.
No, that's just it.
She didn't.
We just jumped
into the sack together.
If she were alive now
and being transferred out of here
I'd say good-bye to her and toss off
a couple of wisecracks and, uh
and probably forget
about her in a few days.
But now I feel like
I owe her something.
Major, what a coincidence
running into you here.
- Good night.
- Well, I guess I have to drink
this cognac all by myself.
- Cognac? Where'd you get that?
- Black market.
Tax write-off.
Entertaining prospective partners.
- Fat chance.
- Surely this fine stuff is worth
five minutes of your time.
Three minutes.
Here we are.
Well, so far, I'm impressed.
Not to mention thirsty.
All set.
- There you are, Major.
- Thank you.
Now can we get on with this?
I have some meaningless, trivial business
- that is far more important.
- Okay.
I didn't wanna take any chances,
so I hid our little product in a clever place.
This is it.
My word! You have
invented the circle.
Better! Watch what
you can do with it.
Hoo San!
[Chuckles]
More investors.
Please, Major, it's already
past this guy's bedtime.
Well, it's past
this guy's bedtime too.
So, y-you gonna show me what
you dragged me over here for or not?
This is it! In Seoul, I saw kids
having a ball doing this
with old barrel hoops.
I stole their idea and ran with it.
Only, I used tubing
from the motor pool.
- Keep going, Hoo San.
- Klinger, before you were born
the word "stupidity"
was without a definition.
You actually expect
people to pay you
for something they could
make themselves
out of any unsuspecting
length of garden hose?
Look, I came, I saw
I drank, I go to bed.
Before you go, can I just
ask you one question?
- What?
- When do I get the money?
[Scoffs]
- Margaret, can I talk to you for a minute?
- Sure.
This is just routine.
I wanted to ask you
about Lieutenant Carpenter.
Like what?
Well, anything you can
tell me about her.
I-I'm
- I'm delivering her eulogy.
- Oh, are you?
Well, she was a good nurse.
Had a background
in thoracic surgery.
[Exhales] Boy,
I still can't believe it.
- Yeah, I know.
- How come you're doing it?
Well, I had I had seen her
a couple of times
and I, uh I wanted to
help Father Mulcahy out.
So can you tell me
a little bit about her?
Well, she was a good nurse.
- Yeah, I know.
You said that.
- Yeah.
Uh, well, she wasn't here
all that long.
You know how it is.
Sometimes somebody new comes in
and it takes you a long time
to even get to know them.
Besides, she was sort of quiet.
Kept to herself a lot.
Did she ever say anything
about anybody back home?
Not to me.
Of course, I only saw her at work.
I'm sure the other nurses
must have known her better.
I don't even know
where she was from.
- Someplace in Virginia.
- See? You know her better than I do.
I don't know what we can tell you, Captain.
She wasn't here all that long.
Well, I know she came from Virginia.
- You know what town?
- I thought it was Kentucky.
No, no.
It was Virginia.
She usually volunteered for the night shifts,
so I hardly ever talked to her.
I tried to talk to her,
but she wasn't easy to get to know.
It's hard to say this about her
now that she's gone
but I got the feeling
she wasn't all that friendly.
- What do you mean, not friendly?
- Well, what does it matter now?
It matters, believe me.
Anything you can
tell me about her would mean a lot to me.
Well, there was the fudge.
She got a box from home.
It was really delicious.
- Yeah, what we had of it.
- I don't think I understand.
What do you mean?
Well, seems kind of petty
to talk about it now, but it was a big box.
She only gave us one piece.
Oh, I think I can
understand how she was.
I've been in the service
a long time.
You travel around so much,
you don't wanna make friends
'cause you don't know
how long you're gonna have 'em.
Yeah, I know, but you lived with her.
You must have talked about something.
Well, mostly she liked
to talk about work.
She was very serious
about her nursing.
She seemed really anxious
to pick up on the routine around here
and she was a fast learner.
That's all you have to tell me?
I gotta know more than that.
Anything.
Well, Captain, you went out with her.
You must know something.
She was a good nurse.
You wanted to see me, Colonel?
Yes, I'm making up
the duty roster for next month.
- You mind working a week of nights?
- Not at all.
- Matter of fact, I'd be grateful for the solitude.
- Consider it done.
Thank you, sir.
Colonel, what, may I ask, is that?
You like it?
[Chuckles]
To form an opinion either way
would be to imply that I cared.
You don't know what this is?
Don't you read the comics?
No, they're just a blur on
the way to the financial page.
Well, this is the latest
denizen of Dogpatch.
What, I ask reluctantly,
is a dog patch?
Major, for a man with
a Harvard education
you sure don't have much knowledge
of what's important.
Dogpatch is where the Yokums live.
Oh, well, that explains that.
The best damn cartoon strip in
the whole world is Li'I Abner.
That is roughly comparable to
being the finest ballerina in all of Galveston.
This friendly little creature
is a Shmoo.
- A A who?
- A Shmoo.
The biggest thing to hit the States
since Studebaker put the front end on the back.
[Chuckles]
What does a Shmoo do?
Well, not much of anything.
Well, then what makes
this imbecilic toy the rage?
Who knows? I guess
with the world goin' crazy
folks leaving the cities
for those prefab suburbs
cars without clutches,
green toothpaste
everything's getting so technical
people need to have something
dumb and simple like this.
Besides, after a hard day
at the army
- I like to give him a punch.
- [Chuckles]
Go ahead.
You know you wanna do it.
- Oh, no
- Go ahead.
It'll be our little secret.
- Give him a punch.
- You mean, hit him?
This, uh, symbolizes the way of life
that we're over here fighting to preserve.
- Got a better one?
- It is simple.
They're selling like hotcakes.
Mildred's been all over Missouri
lookin' for one of these for my grandson.
When I spotted this chubby little fellow
at the P.
X.
At Kimpo, I grabbed him.
Boy, I wish I had a nickel
for every one of these sold.
Hmm.
I guess I tend
to underestimate
the stupidity of
the American consumer.
I happen to like it.
That'll be all, Major.
Sergeant, I have
something to tell you.
- What?
- Upon reflection, it occurs to me
that with that little, uh,
contraption of yours you know
you may just have captured
the essence of stupidity.
- Oh.
- That special genius you have.
- I have?
- We're gonna make millions.
Of course we are.
I got the brains,
and you got the bucks.
And if we go broke,
what's the worst that can happen?
- I lose a mere $600.
- Seven hundred.
All right, seven.
A tidy little tax write-off.
- Now you're thinkin' big.
- You come right along with me,
Sergeant, over to my tent.
- I'll write you a check.
- Major, you've made me a happy man.
Long one of my goals, Max.
- [Crickets Chirping]
- [Knocking]
- Come in.
- You got a minute, Father?
Of course.
[Sighs]
I'm having a real problem
with this eulogy.
Yes, summing up a person's life
in a few words is is always difficult.
I wish I had a few words.
Seems like nobody around here
really knew Millie Carpenter.
So I think maybe it'd be best
if I give the job back to a pro.
Well, if you insist, I'll do it
but but first
I wasn't sure whether
I should show you this
but now I think I'd better.
It's Millie Carpenter's diary.
It was found under her mattress.
Well, a diary is, uh
It's kind of a private, personal thing.
As summary court officer,
I was obliged to read it.
Now I think you should also
as a final gesture to Millie.
[Millie's Voice]
I'm not sure that I love him
but there's something
special about him.
He's kind and gentle
and his playfulness and warmth
make me forget how lonely I really am.
Maybe someday I'll be able to get up
the courage to tell Hawkeye how I feel.
I thought you might like to know
the average temperature of the patients
in post-op is 99.
2.
- Great.
- What're you reading?
Rereading.
Millie Carpenter's diary.
Oh?
I finally found out
something about her.
She's more than a good nurse.
She was head nurse of
the thoracic surgery unit at Letterman.
- They do good work there.
- Yeah.
Then she
thought she could do even more good at the front,
so she asked for a transfer to a MASH unit.
And stepped on a land mine.
She talks about that in here too.
She doesn't know she's
talking about it.
She says, uh
"Even though it's 3:00 a.
m.
, I know
there's no point in trying to sleep now.
"There's just too much Hawkeye
running through my mind.
I think I'll take a walk.
"
End of diary.
I meant something to her,
and I had no idea.
She never let on.
Well, I was
so busy being casual about things
- she never had a chance.
- Hawk, you only went out with her twice.
Yeah.
It would have been
the same after six months.
I have this subtle way of
getting the message across.
"Let's just have a good time.
And keep it light.
Otherwise it's 'bye-bye, Hawkeye.
"'
Sometimes I'm a real prince.
Welcome to the royal family.
There's a little of that in all of us.
I don't know.
I think maybe
I've cornered the market.
Hawk, she wasn't completely
honest about how she felt.
- You can't blame yourself entirely.
- Oh, yes, I can.
She couldn't tell me, 'cause I wouldn't let her.
I never gave her the chance.
I never do.
I'm like
a boxer in the ring.
I'm dancing around all the time,
making sure nothing lands on me, touches me.
And you know something?
My legs are getting tired.
[Grunts, Exhales]
[Laughs]
Well, I'll be damned.
[Strains, Mutters]
[Laughing]
Ladies.
You ready, operator?
Okay, the wire goes to
Mr.
Amir Abdullah.
It's spelled just like it sounds.
Toledo, Ohio.
"Dear Uncle Amir:
"Who needs pita bread?
We're in business.
Have check in hand.
"
Change that to,
"Have check in trash.
"
- Major, have you lost your mind?
- Nope.
Changed it.
- Why?
- I've done a little market research.
Prospective consumers find your product
patently silly and remarkably stupid.
Of course it's stupid.
You told me that's what you loved about it.
Love affair's over.
[All]
My cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy
shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in
the house of the Lord forever.
Amen.
Millie Carpenter
was 27 when she died.
Not many of us knew her very well
and that's our loss, because
she was really
somebody worth knowing.
I'm sorry to say that I didn't
really know her myself
very well until last night
when Father Mulcahy
suggested that l I read her diary.
I got to know Millie Carpenter
in those pages.
Let me tell you about her.
I'll start with the fudge.
It was a big box, but Millie
only gave one piece to each nurse.
That was typical.
She didn't seem to
share much with anybody.
Well, I know now that Millie gave
the rest of that fudge
to the wounded in post-op.
She was working on the night shift,
so n-no one was around to see it.
L-
I guess none of us really saw Millie.
We thought she was kind of
distant and unfriendly.
Well, in in fact
she looked upon us with
a kind of awe that
that we've done our jobs
for so long and so well.
She could have told us that
but she wasn't able to
because
It wasn't, as some of us thought,
that she was uncaring
but it was because,
as Millie wrote so often
she was shy she was just too shy
to express her
her deepest feelings.
She could write them to herself,
but she couldn't say it to us.
I I wish she had, because
if she had, l I might
have felt for her before
what I feel for her now.
I really care for Millie.
And I've learned something from her.
See, I'm a lot like Millie.
I'm not shy.
I I
I cover up my feelings with jokes
and I don't tell the people
l I care about the most
the most important thing
that I can tell them
that l that I do care.
It's too late for Millie to change.
That's- That's sad, but-
but maybe maybe we can
take a page from her diary
and I'd like to start right now
and let a little of what
I feel show through the cracks
through the the wisecracks.
To all the people here
who I've sweated with
and endured with
you're very important to me.
And I hope I do a better job
of letting you know it.
And to those closest to me,
who who mean so much to me
Colonel Potter
Father Mulcahy
Klinger
Margaret
Charles
and Beej
I love every one of you.
And good-bye, Millie.
Okay, just 500.
We'll sell 'em by mail order.
For the last time, Klinger,
the answer is no!
Keep throwing, Hoo San.
Major, can't you see what a great idea this is?
It can't be a great idea
if you had it.
Now, if a great idea
ever does present itself
you'll be the last to know about it.
And I will be the first
to exploit it!
Will you urchins
take your mindless
recreation elsewhere?