And one of those cinnamon buns
please, extra frosting.
Oh, here they are. Hey.
Hi, you guys.
We were so excited when
you guys asked us out.
You're like the A-list couple
in Lamaze class.
Well, that's good
to hear.
We were afraid we
were in the C-Section.
(chuckling)
We bring our own food
everywhere.
Sandy doesn't put anything
unhealthy in her body.
No refined sugar,
white flour, or gluten.
I'm sure you're the same.
Oh, of course.
Cinnamon bun.
No, thank you.
I'm pregnant.
- But you...
- I said no.
Sweetie, this is your
best yam loaf yet.
He's a saint.
He cooks my food,
rubs cocoa butter
on my belly...
I just wish I could
go through
the birth for her.
Hey, what are you guys
doing with your placenta?
Ours will nourish
the roots
of a special tree
we plant in our yard.
Well, we live in
an apartment.
Although that ficusin the study
is looking a tad droopy.
By the way,
if you need a doula...
Cindy, I'm sure they
already have one.
Everybody has a doula.
BRAD:
Ours is a treasure.
She'll be there through the
whole delivery, you know,
focusing our energies,
giving us emotional support.
I don't know how people
do it without one.
She's really helped Brad.
He's having a really
tough sympathy pregnancy.
Oh, boy.
Honey?
I'm just...
I'm feeling a little sick again
I'm sorry.
I just
need some air.
We're so in sync.
He feels everything
I'm feeling.
Nausea, weight gain,
food cravings.
You know,
in psychological terms,
that's called
Couvade Syndrome.
We just call it love.
I don't like them.
They're getting so much more
out of this than we are.
We don't even
have a placenta plan.
No, wait--
let's not panic.
All we need
is expert help.
We'll hire one of
those doula people.
I'll get the number from Brad.
Sorry. Sorry.
Oh, this pregnancy
is taking it
out of me.
My breasts
are so tender today.
You know what?
I'm starting
to feel a bit nauseous.
(rattling)
Oh.
WOMAN:
Hi.
Welcome to
Charlotte's Web:
A Matchmaking Service.
Come in.
I'm sorry...
Isn't this...?
Oh, I see what happened.
I must have been so
engrossed in my paper
I went
right past my floor.
Of course.
It can be a little
embarrassing to admit
you need help
in the romance department.
Please, come in.
No, this was
a mistake.
I understand.
Come in.
Trust me, you are
comically incorrect.
I do not need a matchmaker.
So you're married?
No.
Dating someone?
I date plenty.
In fact, I often need
the proverbial stick
one uses to beat
women off with.
I...
I believe my point is made.
Why don't you
just take my card?
I don't
need your card.
In case you
change your mind.
I won't
change my mind.
For a friend.
I have no friends.
... who are in need
of your services.
You see, I am a bit
of a local celebrity,
so I have no trouble
getting dates.
Really?
Yes.
What's your name?
Dr. Frasier Crane.
Oh.
Sorry, doesn't ring any bells.
Frasier Crane?
Why, yes it is.
Well, my God, what are
you doing here?
Well, actually, I have
an office one floor down.
Really?
I'm on 1 8.
Oh, well why don't
I ride up with you,
I could use
the exercise.
Bye, bye.
It's so funny
seeing you here.
It's funny for you
, delightful for me.
It's always nice to meet a fan,
especially one
so attractive.
You don't remember me?
Yes, of course
I remember you.
It's you.
Hey, you.
I can't believe
you don't remember.
We dated.
Three times.
Jennifer.
Ellie.
Ellie!
Oh, well,
here's your floor.
Nice catching
up with you.
Oh, brushing me off.
That sounds familiar.
Oh, not that I'm
surprised you forgot me.
You spent every day
talking about yourself,
and then, after
we slept together...
I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
But you could've
called me!
Sorry!
Again, so sorry.
FRASIER:
And so it seems
I have dated every
woman in Seattle.
The well is dry.
The cupboard is bare.
There are no more
fish in the sea.
Meanwhile, my dad is engaged.
My brother is expecting
his first child.
While I am left
to spin aimlessly
on the dating hamster wheel.
You like your metaphors,
don't you?
Well, don't
worry, Frasier.
Somewhere in Seattle there's
a woman you haven't pissed off
and I'm going to find her.
am.
You seem awfully
sure of yourself.I
I've successfully matched
hundreds of couples,
so...
What kind of woman
are you looking for?
And don't just say smart, sexyand sophisticated.
Why, don't you
have any of those?
All right.
Well, it's
hard to say...
what I want.
It's been so long since I've
really fallen for someone.
You know that
feeling you get
after a first date,
when you can't even sleep,
you just lie
there in bed awake,
thinking about her?
That's what I want.
You're going to make me work
for my money, aren't you?
Uh, by the way,
I do require
a payment up-front.
Oh, of course.
My fee is $1 0, 000.
That's awfully steep.
And those ten years
of bad dates,
how much did they run you?
I'll write you a check.
So I gave her the money
and I filled out
the questionnaire.
Mm.
You fudged a little bit
on your answers, right?
No, of course not.
Why would I?
Because nobody's
honest on those things.
There's a code people use.
Like "mature"
means old.
"Athletic" means
flat-chested.
And, uh, oh...
"not model thin"
means circus fat.
Well, gosh.
She's already sent me out
on a date this evening.
But I assure you,
I am more interested
in personality than looks.
Did you see
a photo at least?
Of course
I saw a photo.
She's got a personality you
can bounce a quarter off of.
So where you taking her?
Claret--
I intend to take
all subsequent dates
there as well.
That way I can compare
them objectively, you see.
As the woman will
be the only variable.
It's basic science.
Yeah.
That's been
your dating problem--
not enough science.
Hey, you two.
Here, have a seat.
There you are.
We can only chat for a moment.
We're meeting our doula.
Oh, yes.
Your doula.
Anybody need
anything?
I'm getting more coffee.
DAPHNE:
No, thanks.
We brought fennel tea
and some healthy
snacks to nibble on.
Oh, huh. Peanut butter and carrots.
Looks like somebody
has some pregnancy cravings.
Yes, I just
can't help myself.
Oh, dear, Niles.
Couvade Syndrome?
We just call it love.
Yes, well...
I have a date.
I've signed up with
a matchmaking service.
Wait, Frasier,
a matchmaker?
I'm surprised you'
d use a professional
for something as personal
as your love life.
Well, I could say
the same thing
about you and your doula.
Well, our professional
comes highly recommended.
So does my professional.
Well, our professional is
at the top of her field.
As is mine.
Well, our professional
charges $200 an hour.
Mine charges $ 1 0, 000.
She sounds fantastic.
Congratulations,
Frasier.
Thank you, Niles.
Wish me luck!
Good luck. Wow.
Daphne and Niles?
Oh, you must
be Harvest.
So nice to meet you.
Oh, this
is our friend Roz.
Hi.
A resume detailing my
1 5 years of experience,
plus a syllabus
for further reading.
Well, I am doula impressed.
HARVEST:
Now, on page five,
you'll find details
about my support staff.
There's a masseuse,
a shaman, of course,
and a drummer.
He used to tour with
the Doobie Brothers.
Very talented.
My, sounds expensive.
I can't wait to tell Frasier.
And of course, I insist on
a drug-free birthing environment.
Whoa. Back up. No drugs?
Oh, I want Daphne
to be awake
and connected
to the moment.
A natural childbirth
needn't be painful.
It needn't be,
but it be.
How painful?
Would you have a tooth
pulled without Novocain?
No.
Well, a tooth
is this big.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you wanted
to be emotionally present
for the birth
of your baby,
but I see that
you just want
somebody
to dope you up,
strap you down
and yank it out.
Oh, no, no. Wait. Don't go.
Yes, our friend
was just leaving.
All right.
You're right. I'm sorry.
This is a private matter.
You need to do
what's right for you.
Ow!
Times a million.
FRASIER:
Here we are.
WOMAN:
Thank you.
There's something
wonderful
about first dates,
isn't there?
Oh, thank you
very much.
That tingle of anticipation
as two perfect strangers
march toward endless vistas
of possibility.
Well put, Frasier.
Oh, well
thank you.
And what do you do?
I'm a science teacher.
Ah, serendipity.
I'm a science man myself.
I suppose that's why Charlotte
got the two of us together.
Well then, what's your field?
Well, my field is biology,
but my specialty
is creationism.
Oh, well, I find that...
Excuse me?
You know,
they're only in first grade,
so they don't understand
everything,
but Brother William,
he's our leader,
he likes us
to get them
started young before they
get their minds warped
by all that fossil nonsense.
Well, you know,
I-I realize that Darwin
has his detractors, but to call
it nonsense seems a bit
cavalier,
don't you think?
Oh, dear.
You're one of those.
You think we're
descended from apes?
Well, not recently, no.
Do I look like an ape to you?
Do I have hairy palms
and a big hairy back?
Would you like a drink?
Oh, yeah. Bring it on.
But I got to warn you--
I'm a horny drunk.
Last Spring,
in Cabo,
I wake up one morning
under a beach umbrella,
stark naked,
tequila bottle in one hand,
and some guy's
tightie-whities on my head.
(chuckling)
Whoa, don't
I know you from Cabo?
(laughs)
Remind you of anything?
You wish, right?
That's, uh, very amusing.
So what do you do
for a living?
Well, right now
I'm back in school.
You see, I've loved animal
s my whole life
so I figured, why not really
go for it, you know?
So I'm going to become
a taxidermist.
Is something wrong?
No.
I was just, uh,
admiring your ensemble.
Thanks. I made it myself.
You know,
I have a lot
of this fabric left.
I could make you a shirt
with a matching hat.
Don't go to any trouble.
Would you like some wine?
Nah, the cops took my fake I.D.
and my dad'll kill me
if I get busted again.
So what are you, like, 50?
Something like that.
Well, I'm off.
No, you can't.
Our doula's coming
specifically to meet
you and your father.
She insists on knowing
all the members
of the baby's
energy circle.
Oh, what kind of a kook
is she anyway?
Harvest is not a kook.
She's assisted
at the birth
of more
than 600 babies
and two giant pandas.
She better
get here quickly.
I do have a date.
Another one?
You're doing fairly well
by this matchmaker.
Oh, hardly. A monkey throwing
darts at the Seattle phone book
would find me a better mate.
Hell, a dart-throwing monkey
wouldbea better mate.
Why don't you fire her?
Don't think
I haven't considered it.
If tonight's a bust, I'm goito
demand my money back.
Niles...
have you gained weight?
Yes, but, you know,
you always put on a lot
with your first baby.
The hardest part
is the mood swings.
Jeez, Niles,
don't you think
you're taking this
sympathetic pregnancy
thing too far?
I'm simply giving
in to the primal
cycle of life.
I have no control
over it.
In that case, get off my Chanel
couch before your water breaks.
Oh, hello.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Harvest Finkleman.
Delighted.
Oh. Well, I'm sorry I can't stay.
Niles and Daphne you know,
of course, and this is my dad,
Martin Crane.
Ms. Finkleman-Delighted.
Nice to meet you, Martin.
Likewise.
So are you planning
to participate
in your grandchild's birth?
Oh, no. I'm kind of old school.
Clean the kid up,
slap a bow
on her head,
then call me in.
Oh! Guess who
had their baby.
Brad and Cindy?
Oh, I'm so
happy for them!
He gets very
emotional lately.
It was a beautiful experience.
I made a tape,
if you'd like to see it.
I would like to not see it.
No, no! This would be
good for us-- play it.
It was
an 1 8-hour labor.
This should be
about two hours into it.
I'm so excited.
Daphne, I can't wait
until this is us.
(Cindy screaming on tape)
Oh, look at Cindy glow.
CINDY:
Mother of God!
Just kill me!
(Cindy screaming on tape)
She seems like
she's in a little pain.
That's a boat load of fear.
CINDY: Stop that drum before
I put your head through it!
She laughed at that afterwards.
I've seen enough.
Wait, wait.
You'll see how Cindy
pushes through the pain.
I'm not pushing
through anything.
I'm having my baby
the way God intended--
in a hospital,
numb from the waist down.
Now take
your incense
and your woo-woo
stick and get out.
And you,
stop acting pregnant.
You're a man, for God sakes.
Charlotte,
where's my date?
I am so sorry.
She just called.
She had to cancel.
That does it.
No. We'll find
another evening.
No, Charlotte,
we will not.
You have sent me
on enough
miserable dates,
thank you.
Before you fix me up with
a doll-collecting war criminal
or a hashish-smoking
burger flipper, I want out.
And I want my money back.
Frasier, this...
this is a process.
I have only sent you out
on five dates.
Do you cure your patients
in five sessions?
Well, no, but...
This client roster
is filled
with fascinating women.
I just signed a new
one this morning--
botany professor, avid
bicycle rider, very striking.
But you know what?
If you're going
to be so impatient,
then we should
just end this now.
I'll write
you a check.
Well, wait.
No, no, no.
I'm sure you'?
I do much better
on your own.
With $ 1 0, 000, you can
download a lot of love.
Well, let's not be too hasty.
That striking, biking botanist
sounded like me.
- I don't know.
- Please?
Don't beg. It's a turnoff.
All right.
Why don't I get us some drinks,
and then we
can talk about
our next move?
Great.
He's a big radio star.
Smart, really sweet.
So think about it.
Here's my card.
You lied to me.
You have five clients.
There is no roster
of eligible women!
You looked in
my client log?
t.
Yes. I've seen your log,
and I've dated every toad on i
Is this the guy?
No, no, no.
Different guy. Call me.
I think the police
might be interested
in this little
scam of yours.
It is not a scam.
I... I just didn't have time
to put the other pictures in.
And I will not work one second
with someone who threatens me.
I'll mail
you a check.
I'll save you
the price of a stamp.
I'll see you
at your office tomorrow.
Fine. I'd say come alone,
but that's a given.
Oh!
Oh, God! What
a crappy, crappy day!
Charlotte, are you okay?
I can't
give you a check.
I've already..
.. I've already
spent the money
on rent
and food and...
...and these shoes.
These stupid,
stupid shoes!
Come on, now.
It's okay.
.
No, it's not.
Nothing's okay
I lied to you.
I just started
this business.
But I'm really good at what I do.
I used to run the
biggest matchmaking
business in Chicago
before I lost it to
my rotten ex-husband
in the divorce.
Divorce? But you're
wearing a wedding ring.
It's camouflage.
It inspires
confidence.
I mean, nobody
wants a matchmaker
whose life's a mess.
Like me!
I'm divorced.
My business
is a joke.
I'm-I'm up t
o my ass in debt.
I had to move in
with my mother.
I am 35 years old,
and I am living with my mother.
How pathetic is that?
Well, I...
I've seen worse.
You mentioned
something earlier
about having a drink.
Oh, believe me,
I will.
If my mother hasn't
finished the bottle.
I meant here.
No, I really can't.
I've got to get home.
I have paperwork.
I have calls to make.
It's my treat.
Double Scotch.
So then I spent five
soul-sucking years
in advertising
dreaming up slogans
for Crunchios.
"Crunchios are a munchy with
your lunchy or your brunchy"
That was you?
Yeah.
I felt better about myself
when I was pushing cigarettes.
Then, one day,
I fixed up my boss
with my friend, and they
ended up getting married.
And thus
a career was born.
What better way to make a living
than by helping people be happy?
So does your old boss
toast you every year
when he celebrates
his anniversary?
.
Actually, he's a she now,
and my friend's kind of bitter
But I got
the hang of it
after that.
Well, until I lost the business
and came here
and moved in
with my crazy-ass mother.
For what it's worth,
it will get easier
living with her.
Is that your
professional opinion?
Actually, it's a personal one.
My dad lives with me.
No.
Mm. 1 1 years.
Yeah.
Yikes.
It does take a while
to adjust to each other
before you're
perfectly in sync.
How long did that take?
I'll let you know.
Truth be told,
I'm going to miss him
when he moves out.
I was missing my mother
when I was in Chicago.
Now I just wish she was missing.
I didn't realize it was so late.
Frank's waiting for me at home.
Frank?
My boyfriend.
Oh. Serious?
Yes, but he has
a fun-loving side, too.
No, I meant the relationship.
Do you lie awake nights
thinking about him?
A little.
It's still new, but I
have my fingers crossed.
Well, good luck with it.
Thank you.
And, if you'll let me,
I'm going to find
someone fantastic
for you, too, Frasier,
because you deserve it.
And because you have my $ 1 0, 000.
Are you going to mention that
every time you see me?
Damn.