>> LIVE FROM BOSTON IT IS THE
HETEROSEXUAL SKATING
CHAMPIONSHIP.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>> HI, EVERYBODY, I'M SCOTT
HAMILTON HERE WITH TARA
LIPINSKI.
>> AND YOU CAN'T TELL FROM HOME
BUT WE'RE BOTH TINY LITTLE
PEOPLE.
>> WE'RE TWO WEEKS AWAY FROM THE
SOCHI OLYMPICS AND THERE'S
ALREADY BEEN A LOT OF
CONTROVERSY.
>> MUCH OF IT INVOLVING VLADIMIR
PUTIN AND HIS ANTI-GAY POLICIES.
>> A LOT OF ATHELETES ARE
RIGHTLY UPSET WITH A FEW
ORGANIZATIONS EVEN DEMANDING A
BOYCOTT.
>> THAT'S WHY, IN CASE OF ANY
LAST MINUTE PROBLEMS WITH
RUSSIAN ORGANIZERS, THE U.S.
FIGURE SKATING COMMITTEE HAS
DECIDED TO PUT TOGETHER A
B-SQUAD OF LESS TALENTED BUT
UNDENIABLE HETEROSEXUAL FIGURE
SKATERS.
>> STARTING FOR US IS T.J.
DAVENPORT.
DAVENPORT.
THERE'S T.J. LOOKING COMFORTABLE
CONFIDENT IN JETS JERSEY AND
CARGO PANTS.
>> LET'S SEE HIS OLYMPIC
CALIBER.
>> WOW, A LOT OF AIR GUITAR
RIGHT OFF THE TOP.
I LIKE HIS ATTITUDE.
>> AND TO HIS BUDDIES.
>> T.J. GETTING READY FOR HIS
FIRST SHOT.
DOES HE GO FOR THE TRIPLE AXLE?
AND NO, IT IS A BABY BUNNY HOP
AND HE NAILS IT!
INCREDIBLE MOVE.
>> T.J. FEELING GOOD, TELLING
THE CROWD TO SUCK IT.
COMING UP INTO THE COMBO, AND
NO, IT IS A BAG OF COMBOS AND
HE'S EATING THEM.
>> COMING UP, THE ROUTINE FROM
T.J., AND HE LIKES TO CALL THIS
THE FRISCO SWISH.
AND HE'S DOWN.
HE LOOKS HURT.
I THINK HE MIGHT HAVE FALLEN ON
HIS KEYS, TARA.
>> AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
>> AND WOULD YOU SAY THAT WAS A
GOOD ROUTINE SCOTT?
>> WELL I'D SAY NO.
BUT YOU'LL HAVE TO ASK OUR
JUDGES.
TIM ALLEN, TOM ARNOLD, AND GARY
BABABUDELABATE...
>> OUR NEXT HETEROSEXUAL SKATER
HAILS FROM LONG BEACH,
CALIFORNIA.
MALCOLM BARNES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> MALCOLM GETTING A HELP FROM
BAY DOG AND WARREN T.
>> ANTICIPATION STARTING OUT.
A CONSCIOUS START FOR MALCOLM.
>> HE DOES NOT WANT TO FALL.
>> YOU KNOW, TARA, BEFORE THE
COMPETITION HE ASKED ME IF HE
COULD WEAR, QUOTE, REGULAR
SHOES.
NOT A GREAT SIGN.
>> HE'S HIS FIRST TRICK.
HE'S GOING TO WEAVE THROUGH
THESE THREE CONES.
>> AND IT LOOKS LIKE HE IS
DECIDING TO GO STRAIGHT THROUGH
THEM.
HE MIGHT HAVE TAKEN A CHOP AND
OH HE LOOKS LIKE HE IS DOWN.
>> NOT EVEN ATTEMPTING TO GET
BACK UP.
IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING FOR THE
BOOTY-SCOOCH.
>> NOW HE'S SIGNALING FOR
SOMEONE AND HERE COMES HIS
LITTLE COUSIN TO HELP HIM UP.
>> OH, WOW, REALLY PULLING AT
THE HEART STRINGS THERE WITH
THAT FINISH.
IT IS GREAT TO SEE AN IMPRESSIVE
FINISH FOR THE CALIFORNIAN.
>> AND NOW FOR A CHANGE OF PACE,
A HETEROSEXUAL PAIR TEAM.
WE HAVE AUTOZONE EMPLOYEE DINO
McMILLAN SKATING WITH HIS
FAVORITE APPLEBEE'S WAITRESS
SHANNON.
LET'S SEE HOW THEY DO.
>> LOOK AT THE GRACE.
REALLY CONNECTED TO EACH OTHER.
HERE IS SHANNON, SHE BREAKS AWAY
BUT DINO'S COMING FOR HER.
OH LOOK, BUT HE SWINGS WIDE.
SHANNON SKATING FREE.
AND NOW IT LOOKS LIKE DINO
SHOWING US WHAT HE WOULD DO IF
GETS THOSE IN HIS HANDS.
OH, NO, McMILLAN PULLING UP
SHORT.
HE MAY BE HURT.
>> SHANNON IS SPEEDING OVER TO
SEE IF HE'S ALL RIGHT.
>> OH, NO, HE'S NOT HURT, HE
JUST WANTED A SMOOCH.
AND IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S PULLING
AWAY HERE NOW.
I GUESS HE'S TAKING A BIT OF A
BREAK.
MAYBE A LITTLE WINDED.
REACHING OUT TO HIS FRIENDS TO
SEE ON HOW HE'S DOING AND HE
GOES FOR THE UPSKIRT.
>> AND HE'S SENDING IT TO HIS
BUDDY.
A TRIUMPHANT MONUMENT.
>> THAT IS ALL FOR HETEROSEXUAL
FIGURE SKATING.
>> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE".
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE"
WITH VANESSA BAYER
AIDY BRYANT
TARAN KILLAM
KATE MC KINNON
KATE McKINNON
BOBBY MOYNIHAN
NASIM PEDRAD
JAY PHAROAH
CECILY STRONG
KENAN THOMPSON
FEATURING BECK BENNETT
JOHN MILHISER
KYLE MOONEY
MIKE O'BRIEN
NOEL WELLS
BROOKS WHEELAN
SASHEER ZAMATA
MUSICAL GUEST --
BASTILLE
AND YOUR HOST --
JONAH HILL.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JONAH
HILL.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
IT IS GREAT TO BE BACK HERE
HOSTING "SNL" FOR A THIRD TIME.
MY WHOLE LIFE FEELS LIKE A DREAM
COME TRUE RIGHT NOW.
I MEAN, BETWEEN "MONEYBALL" AND
"WOLF OF WALL STREET" AND
GETTING NOMINATED FOR MY SECOND
ACADEMY AWARD --
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I JUST COULDN'T BE MORE
GRATEFUL.
AND THIS THING ABOUT BEING A
OSCAR NOMINATED ACTOR.
>> EXCUSE ME.
>> YES.
>> HI, UH, I WAS JUST WONDERING,
WHAT WAS IT LIKE WORKING WITH
LEONARDO DICAPRIO?
>> I WASN'T REALLY OPENING UP
THE FLOOR FOR QUESTIONS.
BUT OKAY.
LEO, WHO IS SHORT FOR LEONARDO,
IS A TERRIFIC GUY.
HE'S STILL LEARNING AND BUT HE'S
A HUGE STAR.
ANYWAY, WHEN I WAS STARTING
OUT -- YES, YES, YOU SIR.
>> HI, UM, WHAT IS LEO'S HAIR
LIKE?
IS IT, LIKE BEAUTIFUL?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT'S HIS HAIR LIKE?
IT'S HAIR.
IT'S GREAT HAIR.
IT'S LIKE MINE BUT DIFFERENT.
AND YOU, BRAD PITT.
>> HEY, MAN.
JUST WANTED TO SAY HAD A BLAST
WORKING WITH YOU IN "MONEYBALL."
YOU DEVELOPED INTO A GREAT
DRAMATIC ACTOR.
>> OH, MY GOD, WELL YOU KNOW
THANK YOU, BRADLEY.
THAT IS NICE OF YOU TO SAY.
>> YEAH, ALSO, WHAT IS DICAPRIO
LIKE?
I BET HE WAS THE BEST.
DAH.
>> OKAY, LOOK YOU WANT TO KNOW
THE TRUTH?
THE TRUTH IS LEO WASN'T SUPPOSED
TO BE IN THE MOVIE, OKAY?
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.
I CALLED MARTIN SCORSESE.
I SAY MARTY, IT'S J.H.
I'M READY TO GET IN THE RING
TOGETHER.
HE SAYS, FINALLY BUT WHO'S OUR
THIRD?
I SAY WHAT ABOUT THIS KID,
DICAPRIO?
MARTY SAYS, DICAPRIO?
I DON'T KNOW.
SURE, HE'S A MOVIE STAR AND PUTS
TEENAGE GIRL SIN THE SEATS BUT
HE'S NOT AN ACTOR LIKE YOU.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HEY BUDDY.
>> OH, GOD, NO.
>> I HAVE A QUESTION.
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING,
MAN?
>> OH, NOTHING MUCH.
I WAS JUST TALKING YOU UP
BIG-TIME.
SAYING WHAT A BALLER YOU WERE AT
ACTING.
>> I DON'T THINK YOU WERE.
I ACTUALLY CAME HERE TO SUPPORT
YOU.
I'VE BEEN BACK STAGE THE WHOLE
TIME.
>> OH, YOU WERE?
YOU WERE BACK STAGE?
THAT'S WEIRD, MAN.
MAYBE THE ACOUSTICS ARE MESSED
UP OR SOMETHING.
I WAS TOTALLY HYPING YOU UP.
I WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT IS
EATING GILBERT GRAPE?
THIS DUDE RIGHT HERE.
>> REALLY?
>> YEAH.
I WAS LIKE THIS GUY LEO TAUGHT
ME EVERYTHING AND I'M NOTHING
WITHOUT HIM.
AND HE'S A MODEL LIKE PHYSICALLY
THE LOOKS OF A MODEL AND A ROLE
MODEL AND REALLY CHARITABLE AND
THE AVERYATOR.
>> JONAH, FORGET ABOUT THAT.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST BE HONEST
ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT
NOW.
SERIOUSLY.
>> I WAS -- I WAS LIKE BEING A
BIG SHOT.
>> AND WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT
ACTING LIKE A BIG SHOT IN PUBLIC
LIKE THIS?
>> WE SAID THAT, LIKE, LIKE I
SHOULDN'T DO IT OR WHATEVER.
>> AND WHAT SHOULD YOU DO
INSTEAD?
>> JUST, LIKE, TRY TO LIKE BE
THE BEST VERSION OF ME OR
WHATEVER.
>> JONAH, I KNEW THIS WAS GOING
TO HAPPEN IF YOU GOT NOMINATED
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND
ANY MORE.
YOU'RE A REAL ACTOR NOW.
YOU SHOULD BE HUMBLE AND BE
GRACIOUS.
DO YOU GET IT.
>> I'M SORRY.
I JUST GOT SO EXCITED, YOU KNOW.
>> I KNOW.
I REMEMBER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HEY LEE.
>> YEAH, J.
>> REMEMBER WHEN HE WERE ON SET
AND I WOULD GET REALLY NERVOUS.
>> YEAH, YEAH I REMEMBER.
>> CAN WE DO THE THING WE DID
EVERY DAY, THE THING THAT MADE
ME FEEL SAFE?
>> IS IT GOING TO HELP YOU BE
LESS NERVOUS?
>> YEAH.
>> YEAH, SURE WE CAN DO IT.
>> ALL RIGHT, THANKS, MAN.
[ MUSIC PLAYING ]
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
>> AM I FLYING YET?
>> YES, YOU ARE FLYING.
>> JONAH HAS A GREAT SHOW FOR
YOU TONIGHT.
BASTILLE IS HERE.
STICK AROUND AND HE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK.
>> EXCUSE ME, ARE THESE SEATS
FREE?
>> THEY ARE.
>> GOOD EVENING, LADIES, MY NAME
IS ADAM GROSSMAN, I'M SIX YEARS
OLD.
AND THIS BALL OF CHARISMA TO MY
LEFT IS DOCTOR DEBBIE
WASSERSTEIN, MY STEPMOTHER.
ON THE DAY SHE MARRIED HI
FATHER, SHE TOLD ME YOU DON'T
HAVE TO CALL ME MOM, TO WHICH I
REPLIED, YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL
ME EVER.
I'M JOKING, I'M SIX.
>> WELL IT IS VERY NICE TO ME
YOU.
>> I'LL FILE THAT UNDER
UNCONVINCING.
>> HELLO, ADAM.
>> HELLO, ANGEL.
>> CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO
DRINK?
>> I'LL HAVE A DOORS AND SODA.
I'M KIDDING, I'M SIX YEARS OLD.
>> HE'LL HAVE AN APPLE JUICE AND
I'LL HAVE A WHITE WINE.
>> FUN FACT, I'LL HAVE A WHITE
WINE IS THE CLOSEST THING DEBBIE
HAS TO A CATCH PHRASE.
DEBBIE, RELAX, I'M JOKING.
YOU ARE SO UPTIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU LADIES DO FOR A
LITTLING?
>> WE'RE PARALEGALS.
>> WELL IF YOU ASK ME, YOU'RE A
PAIR OF KNOCKOUTS.
DEBBIE, RELAX.
IT'S FUN.
I'M SIX.
>> ADAM, PLEASE.
>> THIS ONE WITH PLEASE.
SPEND ENOUGH TIME WITH DEBBIE,
YOU WOULD THINK MY LAST NAME IS
PLEASE.
AND YOU MAY KNOW ME ABOUT
STANDING ON THE SIDE LINE OF
SOCCER PRACTICE AND FALLING
ASLEEP IN THE BACKSEAT OF THE
CAR OR A ALMOST CONSTANT PUNCH
MUSTACHE.
>> THESE LADIES DIDN'T COME TO
TALK TO YOU.
>> THIS IS BENIHANA.
IT IS A COMMUNAL TABLE.
IF THEY WANTED PRIVACY, THEY
COULD HAVE GONE TO -- I DON'T
KNOW, ANY OTHER RESTAURANT.
I'M JOKING, I'M SIX.
>> ADAM, REMEMBER OUR TALK ABOUT
BOUNDARIES?
>> YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE DEBBIE.
SHE'S A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST.
AND I AM, AS IT WERE, HER WHITE
WHALE.
I'M EVEN FEATURED IN HER LATEST
BOOK, MY STEPSON THE BURDEN.
THOUGH SHE CHANGED THE NAME TO
ERIC.
DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW,
DEBBIE.
>> WELL I THINK IT IS NICE THAT
YOU AND YOUR STEPMOTHER SPEND SO
MUCH TIME TOGETHER.
>> DEBBIE DIDN'T HAVE MUCH SAY
IN THIS ONE AS MY FATHER IS ON A
BUS TRIP.
I HOPE THAT IS NOT CODE FOR,
MISTRESS VACATION.
I'M JOKING.
BESIDE WHY WOULD A MAN STRAY
WHEN HE HAS DEBBIE AT HOME.
QUEUE EYE ROLL.
I'M WRITING A BOOK ABOUT DEBBIE
IN MY FATHER'S SEX LIFE.
IT IS CALLED ONE SHADE OF GRAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T EVEN GET THAT
REFERENCE.
I'M SIX.
>> HELLO, ADAM-SON.
>> OS THIS IS CATSUKO.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR OBAMA AMERICA.
I'M JOKE YG,ARA GATTO AND
MAZELTOV.
>> HERE ARE YOUR DRINKS.
>> THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.
AND HERE IS SOMETHING FOR YOUR
TROUBLE.
>> OH, IT'S A QUARTER.
>> HEY, IT IS NOTHING TO SHAKE A
STICK AT.
I LOST A TOOTH FOR THAT.
>> SO LADIES, WHAT IS THE
OCCASION.
>> OH, MY FRIEND AND HER
BOYFRIEND JUST BROKE UP SO WE'RE
OUT.
>> I'M NO STRANGER TO HEART
BREAK.
LAST WEEK I SHOWED MY TOOKISH TO
ONE JENNY FINKLE AND SHE WAS NOT
HAVING IT.
AT LEAST I HAVE MY TURTLE TO
KEEP ME COMPANY.
DO YOU LADIES LIKE TURTLES?
>> SURE.
WHAT IS YOUR TURTLE'S NAME.
>> SHELL SILVERSTEIN.
IF YOUR SIX, THAT JOKE IS
HILARIOUS.
>> OH, HERE WE GO.
>> YOU'LL HAVE TO FORGIVE ME IF
I DON'T SHARE IN YOUR
EXCITEMENT.
WHEN I SEE A WOMAN WITH KNIVES,
I WANT TO SAY, HONEY, PLEASE,
SHE DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO ME.
DOES THE NAME JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
IT DOESN'T TO ME BECAUSE I'M
SIX.
>> ADAM YOU'RE BEING RUDE.
>> HAVE YOU GUYS LAID YOUR EYES
ON THE THE FILM FROZEN.
IT IS BASED ON DEBBIE'S
DEMEANOR.
I'M NOT SAYING SHE'S COLD BUT
THE POLAR VORTEX TOLD HER TO
TAKE IT DOWN A NOTCH.
>> THAT WAS INAPPROPRIATE.
>> NO.
INAPPROPRIATE IS LISTENING TO
NPR ON THE WAY OVER AND NOW MY
NIGHTMARES WILL STAR SYRIA AND
TERRY GROSS.
AND MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE A TRAIN
WHISTLE EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE TO
HOLD MY INTEREST.
>> IF YOU DON'T START BEHAVING,
I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU HOME TO
BED.
>> FIRST YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME TO
THE BATHROOM BECAUSE I CAN'T GO
ALONG.
EVER SINCE THE BABYSITTER LET ME
SEE A MOVIE I'M AFRAID TO BE
KIDNAPPED.
>> WELL IF A KIDNAPPER TAKES
YOU, THEY HAVE MY SYMPATHY.
>> DEBBIE WITH A JOKE.
DEBBIE, YOU LITTLE STINKER.
ALL KIDDING ASIDE, I'M THE
LUCKIEST KID IN THE WORLD.
DEBBIE LOOKS OUT FOR ME, SHE
CARES ABOUT ME.
I LOVE HER TO DEATH.
DEBBIE SMILED.
THAT IS LIKE SEEING A YETI.
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S ENOUGH FROM ME.
YOU'VE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
>> COUPLES QUIZ, COUPLES QUIZ.
SEE HOW SMART YOUR PARTNER IS ON
COUPLES' QUIZ.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO.
I AM JEROME PLANTETTE, WELCOME
TO COUPLE QUIT, THE GAME WHERE
COUPLES MUST PUT THEIR HEADS
TOGETHER TO WIN BIG.
ARE YOU EXCITED?
>> YOU KNOW IT, JEROME.
>> OKAY.
NOW, BEFORE WE BEGIN, AND I
DON'T USUALLY DO THIS, BUT MY
PRODUCER IS PRETTY TICKED OFF
RIGHT NOW AND SHE'S THREATENING
TO WALK IF I DON'T ADDRESS THE
SITUATION.
IT SEEMS ONE OF OUR CONTESTANTS
HAS REALLY CLOGGED UP THE
STATION BACK STAGE.
SO IT WOULD BE NICE TO KNOW WHO
DID THAT BEFORE WE START THE
GAME.
SO WHO DID THIS?
SOMEONE?
SOMEBODY DID IT.
SHEILA AND CRAIG FROM GREAT
FALLS, WAS IT EITHER OF YOU.
>> NOT ME.
>> I DIDN'T EITHER.
>> OKAY, OVER TO CHERYL AND DAN
FROM RESEDA.
WAS IT YOU, CHERYL.
>> NO, NOT ME.
>> DAN?
DAN?
>> WHAT, NO, OF COURSE NOT.
WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER, LET'S
JUST PLAY THE GAME.
>> WELL HOLD ON, DAN.
SOMEBODY NEEDS TO PAY FOR THIS.
SO WHOEVER DID IT, LOOK IN THE
CAMERA AND SAY SO NOW.
>> DON'T POINT THE CAMERA AT ME.
>> HONEY, THEY JUST NEED TO
KNOW.
DID YOU DO IT?
>> I DIDN'T DO IT.
>> JUST SAY IT, MAN.
>> LOOK, I WILL SAY THIS MUCH, I
DID GO IN THERE, BUT IT WAS
ALREADY CLOGGED.
>> WELL, OUR PRODUCER SAID IT
LOOKED LIKE SOMEBODY WENT ON TOP
OF THE CLOG.
THAT IS WHY IT IS SO BAD.
>> OH, HONEY, DO YOU GO ON TOP
OF THE CLOG?
>> NO, NO.
>> HE SAID THAT IS WHAT IT LOOKS
LIKE.
>> TURN THESE CAMERAS OFF, I'LL
TALK TO YOU.
>> NO, YOU LISTEN TO ME.
THIS FOOTAGE MUST GO TO OUR
LAWYERS.
>> WHY?
THIS IS NOT A TRIAL, MR.
PLANCHETTE.
>> HONEY, YOU'RE MAKING YOURSELF
LOOK GUILTY.
>> I'M JUST GOING TO START THIS
GAME.
I DID THIS ONCE AT A PARTY.
>> CLOG A TOILET?
>> NO.
BREAK DANCE.
BREAK DANCE.
>> HEY, PUT THE CARD DOWN.
DO YOU HEAR THAT?
YOU DO NOT GET TO PLAY.
NOW STOP FOOLING AROUND.
>> WHY IS THIS SUCH A BIG DEAL?
>> THIS IS A HISTORICAL
BUILDING.
IT HAS BEEN LANDMARKED.
THE BLACK DALIA WAS FOUND IN THE
PARKING LOT.
ANY TIME WE DO A REPAIR WE HAVE
TO CONSULT WITH A PAIR OF
PRESERVATIONISTS.
>> DAN, IT IS TIME TO STEP UP,
BE A MAN, PLEASE.
>> JUST SAY IT, DAN.
>> JUST BE HONEST.
>> OKAY.
OKAY.
I CLOGGED THE TOILET.
AND THEN LATER IN THE DAY I WENT
ON TOP OF THE CLOG.
ARE YOU HAPPY?
>> SO YOU ARE ADMITTING TO BOTH
CLOGS?
>> OH, DAN, BOTH?
>> OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT HAS
EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
LOOK, THINGS WERE HAPPENING SO
FAST IN THE SHOW AND I HAD TO
ASK AND I CLEARLY MADE THE WRONG
CALL.
I DOUBLED DOWN AND I LEFT.
>> DAN, YOU PROMISED.
>> OKAY, FINE.
DO YOU WANT A CONFESSION.
WHICH CAMERA?
THIS ONE, GREAT.
I, DAN POTTERNECK CLOGGED THE
MOTHER-FLIPPING TOILET BECAUSE
I'M A WILD ANIMAL THAT SHOULD
LIVE UNDER A PORCH.
>> WELL THAT MEANS THE GAME IS
OVER.
>> WHAT?
>> AND SHEILA AND CRAIG, YOU TWO
ARE HEADING TO MAUI.
>> WHY DID THEY WIN?
>> DAN, YOU KNOW WHY.
>> YEAH, YOU KNOW WHY.
>> FOR ME, JEROME PLANCHETTE,
THIS HAS BEEN COUPLE'S QUIZ.
>> SEE HOW SMART YOUR PARTNER
>>> WEEKEND UPDATE, WITH
SETH MEYERS AND CECILY STRONG.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
>> GOOD EVENING, I'M
SETH MEYERS.
>> I'M CECILY STRONG.
>> AND HERE ARE TONIGHT'S TOP
STORIES IT.
>> WELL THIS CERTAINLY LOOKS
LIKE THE FACE OF A GUY THAT HAS
LEARNED HIS LESSON.
>> JUSTIN BEIBER WAS ARRESTED ON
THE THURSDAY FOR DRUNK DRIVING
AND DRAG RACING AND ASKED, WHAT
DID I DO AND WHY DID YOU STOP
ME?
WHICH WILL GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS
THE FIRST SENTENCE BEIBER DIDN'T
BEGIN AND END WITH "GIRL."
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR
CHRIS CHRISTIE ON TUESDAY WAS
SWORN INTO HIS SECOND TERM
HOWEVER THE MASSIVE BLIZZARD
FORCED THE CANCELATION OF HIS
INAUGURATION RECEPTION.
ODD SINCE THE CHRIS CHRISTIE
PARTY USUALLY STARTS WITH A
MASSIVE BLIZZARD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT UTAH
SENATOR MIKE LEE WILL DELIVER
THE TEA PARTY RESPONSE TO
PRESIDENT OBAMA'S STATE OF THE
UNION ADDRESS NEXT WEEK.
IT'S EXPECTED TO BE THE EXACT
TEXT OF OBAMA'S SPEECH BUT
IN THIS VOICE.
>>> WHILE ADDRESSING THE
REPUBLICAN NATIONAL COMMITTEE'S
WINTER MEETING, MIKE HUCKABEE
SAID THAT DEMOCRATS ARE TRYING
TO CONVINCE WOMEN THAT THEY
COULDN'T CONTROL THEIR LIBIDO
WITHOUT THE HELP OF GOVERNMENT.
THOUGH IT'S USUALLY THE
GOVERNMENT THAT HAS THE TROUBLE
CONTROLLING IT'S LIBIDO.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ]
>>> JJ ABRAMS AS ANNOUNCED THAT
THE SCRIPT FOR THE NEXT "STAR
WARS" MOVIE HAS BEEN FINISHED SO
THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT YOUR ADULT
SON WAS YELLING FROM YOUR
BASEMENT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> JUSTIN BEIBER HAS BEEN
RELEASED ON BAIL AFTER BEING
ARRESTED FOR DRINKING AND DRAG
RACING EARLY THURSDAY MORNING.
HERE TO COMMENT IS THE MIAMI
POLICE OFFICER WHO ARRESTED
BEIBER.
MANK MEDINA.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HEY, WOW.
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," THIS IS
FUN.
>> WELL, OKAY, SO YOU MUST HAVE
BEEN SHOCKED TO PULL SOMEONE
OVER AND DISCOVER IT WAS
JUSTIN BEIBER?
>> OH, CECILY, I WORK IN MIAMI,
NOTHING SHOCKS ME.
WHEN I PULL SOMEBODY OVER, THEY
USUALLY HAVE A TIGER IN THE
BACKSEAT AND AN ALLIGATOR IN THE
TRUNK TO GUARD THE COCAINE.
IT IS THE ONLY CITY IN AMERICA
WHERE THE NBA PLAYERS ARE THE
BEST PEOPLE.
>> SO WHAT HAPPENED?
>> IT WAS JUST ANOTHER NIGHT IN
FLORIDA.
I WAS ON MY USUAL BEAT, PULLING
COUPLES IN JEAN SHORTS APART
WHEN I SAW THIS YELLOW
LAMBORGHINI.
NOW CECILY, IT'S ALWAYS TENSE
WHEN YOU PULL OVER A YELLOW
LAMBORGHINI.
BECAUSE IT IS EITHER A BUSINESS
MAN THAT CAN HAVE YOU FIRED OR A
DRUG DEALER CAN HAVE YOU KILLED,
BUT I'LL BE DAMNED IF IT WASN'T
JUSTIN BEIBER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU SOUND HAPPY ABOUT IT.
>> OH, MAN, I WAS SO HAPPY.
IT WAS LIKE FINDING A LITTLE
SWAGGER LEPRECHAUN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MADE HIM STEP OUT OF THE CAR.
OH, HE WAS MAD.
HE MUST HAVE SAID THE F-WORD TEN
TIMES.
>> OH, THAT IS A SHAME?
>> IT IS.
IT IS KIND OF ADORABLE.
LIKE BEING BARKED AT BY A LITTLE
PUPPY THAT SMELLED LIKE SMIRNOFF
ICE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ALL RIGHT, SO OKAY, BUT YOU
DON'T THINK JUSTIN BEIBER IS A
THREAT TO HIMSELF OR OTHERS?
>> NO.
I MEAN, EVEN WHEN HE WAS
RESISTING ARREST, I WASN'T
SCARED.
HE CAME AT ME AND I JUST PUT MY
HANDS ON HIS FOREHEAD AND LET
HIM SWING AWAY UNTIL HE FELL
ASLEEP.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS KIND OF SWEET.
>> ALL RIGHT, SO HE'S HARMLESS?
>> COME ON, CECILY, THE BOY
RENTED A LAMBORGHINI.
HE RENTED IT.
THAT'S NOT SO GANGSTER.
I MEAN, YOU NEVER SAW SCARFACE
GOING INTO AVIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
POOR LITTLE KID.
I FEEL BAD FOR HIM.
HE HAS A TOUGH FAMILY SITUATION.
>> APPARENTLY BEFORE THE ARREST
JUSTIN WAS OUT PARTYING WITH HIS
FATHER JEREMY.
>> YEAH, HE'S DEFINITELY MORE OF
A JEREMY THAN HE IS A FATHER.
>> HE'S WHAT YOU GET WHEN THEY
RELEASE AN ARMY OF PEOPLE.
FIND BETTER FRIENDS AND MAYBE A
DIFFERENT DADDY, AND I WISH YOU
THE BEST.
>> OH, WELL ARE YOU THINKING
ABOUT DROPPING THE CHARGES?
>> OH, HELL, NO, CECILY, I JUST
GONNA MAKE AN ALBUM.
>>> A FLORIDA NEWSPAPER IS
INVITING READERS TO VOLUNTEER AS
PROOFREADERS FOR THREE HOURS AT
NIGHT WITH THE PERSON CATCHING
THREE TYPOS FOR DINNER BUT YOU
NEED MORE THAN THREE HOURS TO
FIND THE TYPOS IN FLORIDA SUN
TIM.
>>> A VICTORIA SECRET IN TEXAS
BANNED A WOMAN FROM BREAST
FEEDING HER SON IN THE LINGERIE
STORE.
APPARENTLY THEY DON'T WANT
ANYONE TO GET THE WRONG IDEA
ABOUT WHAT BREASTS ARE FOR.
>>> A RIVER IN SCOTLAND WAS
FLOODED WITH WHISKEY AFTER A
BOTTLING PLANT ACCIDENTALLY
RELEASED MORE THAN 1700 GALLONS
OF LIQUOR.
SAID ONE FISH, YOU DON'T KNOW
ME.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YOU CAN GET THE FISH MOUTH.
I LOVE IT.
>>> A BAKER IN NEW ZEALAND WHO
GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT WITH A
MEMBERS OF A WEDDING ARGUMENT
WITH MEMBERS OF A WEDDING PARTY,
MADE A CHOCOLATE CAKE FOR THE
BRIDE AND GROOM IN THE SHAPE OF
A PILE OF FECES.
WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION, WHO
FIGURED OUT IT WAS CAKE?
>>> POLICE IN MASSACHUSETTS
ARRESTED A MAN FOR DRUNK DRIVING
AFTER HE CRASHED HIS CAR, FLED
FROM OFFICERS ON FOOT AND
CLIMBED A TREE AND TOLD POLICE
HE'S NOT THE PERSON THEY ARE
LOOKING FOR BECAUSE HE IS AN
OWL.
SAID THE MAN, WAIT, I MEAN, WHO,
WHO?
YOU DON'T KNOW ME!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IT'S PRETTY FUN.
YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN.
>>> AN 18-YEAR-OLD HIGH SCHOOL
STUDENT IN FLORIDA WHO WAS
SUSPENDED AFTER SCHOOL OFFICIALS
LEARNED THAT HE WAS STARING IN
ADULT FILMS, HAS BEEN ALLOWED TO
RETURN TO CLASSES.
SCHOOL OFFICIALS ARE ALSO
STRESSING THAT THE WAY THEY
FOUND OUT HE WAS IN ADULT FILMS
IS NOT IMPORTANT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> OREO THIS WEEK INTRODUCED
TWO NEW FLAVORS, COOKIE DOUGH
AND MARSHMALLOW CRISPY.
IT'S PART OF A NEW EFFORT BY
OREO TO MARKET TO WOMEN HAVING A
HARD TIME RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>>> THE SOCHI OLYMPICS IN RUSSIA
HAS COME UNDER FIRE FOR A NUMBER
OF ISSUES.
FROM OVERSPENDING THE SECURITY
THREATS.
HERE TO COMMENT IS A WOMAN WHO
LIVES IN A SMALL VILLAGE IN
RUSSIA, OLIA POVLATSKI.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
>> SO OLIA, ARE YOU SURPRISED
THE OLYMPICS ARE BEING HELD IN
RUSSIA?
>> I'M SURPRISED THE OLYMPICS IS
IN RUSSIA.
I'VE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE PRAYING
TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HORRIBLE
PLACE.
YOU GO TO TRAVEL AGENT AND SAY
ONE TICKET TO RUSSIA AND THEY
SHOULD SLAP YOU IN THE FACE.
>> I HAD HEARD SOCHI IS SORT OF
A RUSSIAN RESORT TOWN.
>> A LAST RESORT, SETH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I BEEN TO SOCHI ONE TIME, IT WAS
TO THROW MYSELF INTO THE SEA,
BUT I COULD NOT DO IT BECAUSE
THE LINE WAS TOO LONG.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, WOW.
>> I MEAN, HOW DID THE OLYMPICS
PICK RUSSIA?
WHAT WERE THE OTHER OPTIONS?
HAITI, OR THE MIDDLE OF THE
OCEAN --
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> RUSSIA CAN'T BE THAT BAD?
>> ARE YOU KIDDING SETH, THIS IS
HOW I WAKE UP EVERY SINGLE
MORNING.
WATCH THIS, WATCH THIS.
[ CRYING ]
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT SOUNDS BAD.
THAT BAD.
NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
PRESIDENT PUTIN'S THREAT TO
ARREST GAY ATHLETES?
>>I WISH I WAS GAY, I WOULD HAVE
MORE OPTIONS, THE MEN I DATED
WAS A REAL DOG.
>> SO HE WASN'T GOOD LOOKING?
>> NO, HE WAS A REAL DOG.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT HE WAS WAY OUT OF MY LEAGUE
THOUGH.
HE WAS TOP LAWYER IN VILLAGE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SO GETTING BACK TO THE
OLYMPICS, AREN'T YOU A LITTLE
EXCITED?
>> YES, I AM.
MY SISTER AND I WERE ATHLETES AS
CHILDREN.
OUR FAVORITE SPORT WAS RUNNING
FROM ANGRY WOLVES.
I WON THE GOLD AND SHE WON THE
SILVER, GOD BLESS HER SOUL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
>> NO.
IN MY VILLAGE, BELLY OF WOLF IS
PRIME REAL ESTATE BUT IT COSTS
AN ARM AND A LEG, LITERALLY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
DO YOU GET THAT, SETH, THAT IS A
RUSSIAN JOKE.
>> YEAH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> I'M LAUGHING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ NOISES ]
I LIVE TO LIVE AND HAVE FUN.
IN MY VILLAGE, I'M A LITTLE BIT
OF A PARTY GIRL.
THEY TRY TO MAKE ME GO TO REHAB
AND I SAID IS IT WARM?
>> THAT IS NOT HOW THE SONG
GOES.
>> IN MY VILLAGE IT IS.
>> WHAT VILLAGE ARE YOU FROM?
>> IT IS CALLED [ INAUDIBLE ].
IN ENGLISH TRANSLATES TO
DESOLATION OF SMAUG.
>> NOW ONLY, SOCHI HAS A WARMER
CLIMATE THAN MOST OF RUSSIA SO A
LOT OF THE OLYMPIC BUDGET HAS
GONE TO BUYING SNOW.
>> BUYING SNOW?
WHAT THE HELL.
ALL I OWN IS SNOW.
if YOU CAN SELL SNOW, I'M NOW
RICHEST PERSON IN MY VILLAGE.
SO IN YOUR FACE DOG LAWYER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LOOKS LIKE I'M THE ONE THAT GOT
AWAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> ARE YOU DATING ANYONE NOW?
>> OH, SETH MEYER.
YOU MUST BE HUNGRY, BECAUSE YOU
ARE FISHING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, THAT'S NOT -- ABSOLUTELY
NOT WHAT I MEANT.
>> OKAY, WELL YOU'RE IN LUCK,
SETH, BECAUSE I AM SINGLE, AND I
JUST JOINED TIMBER.
>> YOU MEAN THE DATING APP
TINDER.
>> NO, NO, TIMBER, THAT'S WHEN
WOMAN CLIMBS TO TOP OF TALLEST
TREE IN VILLAGE AND SCREAMS
[ INAUDIBLE ].
THAT MEANS COME AND GET IT,
CUTIES.
AND THEN ANY MAN WHOSE
INTERESTED CUTS DOWN THE TREE
AND THE WOMAN FALL TO THE GROUND
AND IF SHE NOT DEAD THEY GO OUT
FOR NICE RUSSIAN DINNER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND WHAT DO YOU EAT?
>> WELL RIGHT OFF THE BAT.
>> I MUST SAY, HE'S NOT MY
PRESIDENT.
>> JEFFREY ARRIVED.
>> JEFFREY, SO GLAD YOU COULD
MAKE IT.
>> THANK YOU, MR. BANKS, IT IS
NOT EVERY DAY I GET INVITED TO
MY BOSS'S HOUSE FOR DINNER.
>> DON'T THINK OF ME AS YOUR
BOSS.
THINK OF ME AS YOUR RICH FRIEND
WHO CAN FIRE YOU.
>> LET'S SIT DOWN FOR DINNER.
>> THIS IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL
HOME.
>> AND I LOVE THIS WINE.
>> YES, EVERYTHING LOOKS
DELICIOUS MRS. BANKS.
THIS IS QUITE A HANDSOME COBB
SALAD.
>> THANK YOU, JEFFREY.
IT IS ACTUALLY A WALDORF SALAD.
>> MAY I BE EXCUSED FOR A
MOMENT?
>> OH, SURE.
THE BATHROOM IS RIGHT BEHIND
YOU.
>> SO MIKE, CAROL TELLS ME YOU
--
>> YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
A COBB SALAD.
A WALDORF.
YOU IDIOT.
YOU SAID IT, YOU ARE A --.
YOU ARE A --.
>> WHAT DID I MISS?
>> NOTHING, JEFFREY, YOU'RE
FINE.
>> I HOPE I CAN CATCH UP.
>> SO, DID ANYBODY READ ABOUT
THE THING WITH THE PRESIDENT OF
FRANCE AND HIS MISTRESS?
>> OH, YEAH, THAT GUY, HE'S BEEN
PRESIDENT FOREVER, RIGHT?
>> OH, I THINK YOU MIGHT BE
THINKING OF SARKOZY, THE NEW
PRESIDENT THAT WAS JUST ELECTED
LAST YEAR.
[ CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OH.
YES, THAT IS RIGHT.
WOULD YOU PLEASE EXCUSE ME FOR A
MINUTE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ SCREAMING ]
>> OH, IT WAS SARKOZY YOU PIECE
OF TRASH.
YOU'RE GARBAGE.
>> SHOULD WE TELL HIM THAT WE
CAN HEAR HIM?
>> I JUST DON'T WANT TO
EMBARRASS HIM.
>> OH, THANK GOD THEY NOENT KNOW
YOU HAVE INFANT PENIS SYNDROME.
WHAT IS PENIS INFANT SYNDROME
THEY ASK, JUST TAKE A LOOK.
>> SORRY ABOUT THAT FOLKS.
JEFFREY HAS A TUMMY ACHE.
[ IN A DIFFERENT VOICE ]
>> WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME FOR A
MOMENT.
>> WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
YOU JUST BLEW YOUR CHANCE OF
BANGING THE BLACK GUY'S WIFE.
NOW YOUR FACE IS ALL RED.
OH, MAN.
YOU HAVE TO BORROW SOME OF THE
BOSS'S WIFE'S MAKEUP.
JUST A LITTLE MAKEUP, OKAY.
PERFECT.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SO NOW ABOUT THOSE KNICKS?
>> JEFFREY, JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE
CAN HEAR EVERYTHING THAT YOU ARE
SAYING IN THERE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY.
YOU CAN?
>> YES, WE CAN.
>> COULD YOU JUST EXCUSE ME FOR
ONE -- JUST ONE MOMENT.
>> THEY CAN HEAR YOU.
[ INAUDIBLE ].
YOU DESERVE A SPANK.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
>> WAIT, THIS IS A COBB SALAD.
>> OH, NO.
>>> HELLO, MY NAME IS TODD, AND
I'M CASEY.
>> AND YOU'RE WATCHING INSIDE SO
CAL, WHERE WE GIVE YOU THE
INSIDE SCOOP ON THE SO CAL
LIFESTYLE.
>> TONIGHT WE'RE COMING TO YOU
LIVE FROM KEITH'S DAD'S CONDO
WHERE HE'S HAVING A NICE LITTLE
KICK-BACK.
>> ALL RIGHT.
FOR OUR TOP STORY FOR TONIGHT IS
AMANDA BURNS LITTLE SISTER SARAH
IS MOVING BACK HOME AND I HEARD
SHE STILL LOOKS GOOD.
>> I WANT TO GET WITH HER.
>> ME TOO.
IF I GET THE CHANCE.
>> IN OTHER NEWS.
ME AND PIERCE AND SCOTT WANT TO
START OUR OWN CLOTHING LINE.
>> ALL RIGHT, IT IS TIME FOR
MEET THE BOYS.
>> THESE ARE MY BOYS.
>> THE BOYS.
>> WE HAVE A DEVELOPING STORY
BECAUSE, AS YOU GUYS KNOW, THIS
YEAR THEY'RE HAVE THE [ BLEEP ]
OSCARS AND WE'RE GOING TO GO TO
OUR BOY CHRIS PARKER AND JUST
CAME OUT OF THE MOVIE AND IT IS
ONE OF THE MOVIES THAT WON THE
OSCAR.
>> HEY, CHRIS, WHAT IS UP?
>> SO BASICALLY A JUST CAME OUT
OF FILM OMANIAOMANIA, BUT BY THI
WAS ON BOARD AND I THOUGHT OLD
PEOPLE ARE PRETTY TIGHT.
>> THANKS, CHRIS.
>>> AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR MVP
OF THE NIGHT.
>> MVP OF THE NIGHT.
>> TONIGHT'S MVP OF THE NIGHT IS
OUR BOY KEITH AND IT IS HIS
KICK-BACK AND WE'RE GOING TO SEE
HOW HE MADE HIS PARTY SO
GANGSTER.
>> SO HOW DID YOU MAKE THIS
PARTY?
>> WELL, I HIT UP MY BOY CORY
AND I THEN BRICE AND THEM HEARD
ABOUT IT.
ANDEEAN HARDMAN [ BLEEP ], SO HE
CAME THROUGH.
AND THEN WE HOOKED UP THE
CARNITYAS SPREAD --
>> HEY.
>> WHAT IS UP MR. AND RES.
>> WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.
>> IT IS JUST A KICK BACK, DAD.
>> IT IS WHAT?
>> IT IS JUST A KICK BACK.
>> EVERY UP.
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
>> IT SEEMS LIKE YOUR
RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR DAD ISN'T
AS CHILL AS YOU WANT IT TO BE,
OR WHATEVER.
>> I LOOK UP TO MY DAD AND HE'S
ALWAYS BEEN THE NUMBER ONE
GANGSTER IN MY LIFE BUT
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT
THAT SICK OF A SON BACK TOWARD
HIM.
>> HEY, I SAID GET OUT OF MY
HOUSE.
>> ALL RIGHT, DUDE, WE SHOULD
BOUNCE, DUDE.
HONESTLY PEOPLE SHOULD BOUNCE.
>> NOW!
GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
>> SO IN THE END, THE HOME IS
WHERE THE HEART IS.
>> [ BLEEP ] FAMILY COMES FIRST.
>> SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.
THIS HAS BEEN INSIDE SO CAL.
>> AND THE CLOTHING COMPANY I'M
STARTING, WE'RE CALLING IT
DISRUPT INDUSTRIES.
IT WILL BE MORE THAN CLOTHING
BECAUSE WE WANT TO DO
CONCERTS --
>>> HEART POUNDING.
>> ADRENALIN.
>> EXHILERATION.
>> SPECTACULAR.
>> THE FASTEST, LAMBOR-TINI.
>> ALL OF THE CRAFTS OF A HIGH
CLASS AUTOMOBILE.
>> YOU CAN BE THE DRIVER OF
DREAMS, MEEP MEEP.
>> WITH LAMBOR-TINI.
>> HI, WE AREN'T PORN STARS ANY
MORE.
>> I'M BROOKI.
>> AND I'M OKAY, THANK YOU.
>> AND WE'RE NOT PORN STARS ANY
MORE.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN WE DON'T
NEED TO GET TO PLACES IN STYLE.
>> DID SOMEONE SAY VROOM VROOM?
>> NO, NOT YET.
>> OKAY, BYE.
>> OTHER CARS ARE SLOW AND
HONDAS, HASTA LA VISTA SCABIES.
>> WHY I OUGHTA.
>> LAMBOR-TINIS ARE LIKE
TRANSFORMERS, EXCEPT NO ROBOT.
>> A ROBOT IN MANUAL OR
AUTO-EROTIC.
>> WITH FINANCING AS LOW AS
3.15% HPV.
>> AND THEY ARE PERFECT FOR
OCCASIONS LIKE -- ESCAPING.
>> FLEEING.
>> GREAT GASH MILEAGE.
>> CROSS COUNTRY ROAD HAS.
>> I WAS KIDNAPPING BIKINI CAR
RASH.
>> AND FIRST TIME ON HOWARD
STERN.
I GUARANTEE IT.
YOU'LL FEEL LIKE YOU'RE THE
CONDUCTOR OF RUNNING A TRAIN ON
THE WORLD.
WITH THESE WHEELS, YOU'LL FEEL
LIKE YOU'RE GETTING THE RIM JOB.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> PLUS, IT'S GOT TWO KINDS
OF -- WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS THAT
YOU PRESS WITH YOUR FEET?
>> TESTICLES.
>> NO, NO PEDALS.
>> OH, YEAH, PEDALS.
>> DID SOMEONE SAY VROOM VROOM?
>> NOT YET.
>> OKAY, BYE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WITH LAMBOR-TINIS.
ONE TIME I THOUGHT A BANGED SEAL
TEAM SIX BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY SIX
TEAM SEAL.
I WAS LIKE THANKS, AMERICA.
ARF-ARF.
>> I TRIED TO BANG A QUIET GUY
BUT IT WAS JUST A CORPSE: I WAS
LIKE, HEY, IT'S YOUR FUNERAL.
AND HIS FAMILY WAS LIKE, YES, IT
IS, NOW GET OUT OF THE COFFIN.
>> I THOUGHT I WAS IN THE MOVIE
ALIEN BUT IT WAS JUST A BIG
PENIS IN MY STOMACH.
I WAS LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
IN THERE?
I'M NOT A MORNING PERSON.
>> REMEMBER LISTENING TO SEA
SHELLS?
IT WAS LIKE -- HAA.
>> DID SOMEONE SAY VROOM VROOM?
>> HEY, WHERE DID HE GO?
OH, THERE HE IS.
>> HI, I'M LEGENDARY ADULT PORN
DIRECTOR MARTIN-PORN SCORSESE.
YOU MIGHT KNOW ME FROM MY
CLASSICS LIKE BANGS OF NEW YORK.
RAGING BONER, THE DEPARTED
PARREN THESE HE'S HYMEN AND
"WOLF ON WALL STREET".
AND SO IF YOU ARE GOING TO BANG
ALL NIGHT, YOU ARE GOING TO NEED
SOME LAMBOR-GINAS.
THEY ARE SUPER-FLEXIBLE.
>> THEY ARE CARS.
>> WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU
COULD FIT A WHOLE CAR IN.
>> NO, IT IS AN AD FOR CARS, FOR
LAMBOR-TINIS.
>> ALL RIGHT, THE SCAM.
TWINK.
SO BUY SOME LIMBER-GINNAS TODAY.
SO IF YOU WANT TO SPICE THINGS
UP, WE KNOW JUST THE THING.
>> A SPORTS CAR.
LAMBOR-TINI.
>> THANKS TO BASTILLE.
THANKS TO LEONARDO DICAPRIO.
THANKS TO MICHAEL FARRA AND THE
GREAT CAST AND WRITERS AND CREW.
I LOVE YOU.
♪