Tip:
Highlight text to annotate it
X
Beer Rant:
I am severely annoyed that beers advertised to be from exotic locations (like Landshark,from
Key West, and Fosters, from Australia, are not imports but actually brewed in Mizzou
and Canada respectively, and no an Australian beer brewed in Canada does not count as an
import); now ask yourself this: would the most interesting man in the world drink Dos
Equis if it was brewed in Milwaulkee? I wouldn't, and I'm not even moderately interesting. You
know what would make the most interesting man in the world more interesting? If he always
drank beer, and when he "patink" cheers and a droplet of beer falls from his pint, time
slows, he tracks the droplet with his eyes, and kicks the droplet like a hacky sack back
into the air and into his mouth like a projectile cashew.
We all know that brewing beer is one way people filter, distill, and extract the fun from
plants, which allows us to hold it in a container and save it for later. Similarly we all know
that fun can also be extracted from plants by smoking them directly. Dissociate from
your body for a moment and imagine you are looking at the universe separate from your
body. Now zoom in at light speed. You see yourself lighting up. Are you smoking a plant
or is the universe smoking itself? Got the munchies yet? Here's some food for thought:
you are a unit, one of many, with an unimaginably long evolutionary history tracked in part
in genes extant in every cell of your body. One of the traits of your machinery is that
it can distill thoughts from food. Proof? Don't eat,ever again... after your body distills
all of your fat mass and muscle mass into intense feelings of pain and hunger, see how
quickly your thoughts degenerate.
Like plants and beer, human evolution can be fun too! I sometimes wonder why we have
our specific bodily architecture. Like did we have to be bilaterally symmetrical bipeds
with a head on our shoulders and sex organs between our legs? Imagine males evolved to
have their penises coming out of their tailbone. It would change so much. When girls get ***
they could ride it like they were on horseback. Guys could wag it like a dog when they were
happy. Y'all know to impress your chick, helicopter ***. You'd just have to watch out though
not to take flight like Sonic's sidekick, else she'd be calling u Dicktails, and nobody
wants to be called Dicktails. Pony is better.
I love inventing words. I highly recommend it. I’m sure you know about urbandictionary.com.
Every once in a while someone will come up with a good word or phrase and post it on
there. One I came across recently was: Facebook wit - The intellegent humor that nearly everyone
seems to gain when they have a half an hour to contemplate a witty response. It is usually
a bad comparison to a person's actually conversational skills since they can sit and contemplate
the response for as long as they need.Facebook wit is a great phrase and is not unlike wit
exhibited in this video. Another one is party *** trap. Why do I think this is great?
Because I am strange and palindromes, like ***, excite me.
buhbuhbuh ***
I have a request of plastic surgeons and all *** engineers out there, the silicone ***
were a huge success. But when are the refillable beer implants coming? Let me elaborate. All
u need is an internal baggy and a biological spigot exiting the *** that is secure enough
to prevent ethanol leakage. Come up with a refill mechanism and you’re set. This invention
would change the very meaning of a staple of human culture,beer maidens. Look Halloween
is coming up, imagine how many beermaiden costumes would sell. Not to mention strippers
all over the US breastfeeding grown men their favorite beers.
Ah, Beertits and Dicktails, what a couple. Here's a tip guys, next time your girlfriend
is mad at you just tell her this 'you wear the pants in the relationship... because I
am a nudist' and drop your pants. At the very least she'll laugh at your small *** and
won't be mad at u anymore, and at best you'll end up chasing your fully clothed girlfriend
around the outside of your house and get a breezy jog out of it. And when you get inside,
who knows? You may be telling her “My *** is finally home.”
Speaking of coupling and copulations, I'm probably never going to get married not only
because is it institutionally fraught with problems leading misogynistic men to say things
like “it’s cheaper to keep her” but mainly because I love myself too damn much,
not even a droplet of love left for another human being. But if I were to get married,
I want to have a zombie wedding ceremony.Everyone invited has to be in character, wearing ripped
clothing and bloody make-up.I'll make an exception for the court. The court can be dressed in
traditional garb, but there has to be a lot of red. And also, very importantly, no words
when the readings and vows are done. Actually no words at all. It has to be totally non-verbal.
Only grunting and gesturing. Kind of like a zombie-sims ceremony. And for the afterparty
everyone can just full-sprint out of the church, cross through the cemetery in the back, and
attack some human beings.
So I was on vacation recently, spent some time with friends and family. It was nice.
A freaking seagull stole a fishstick from the family behind me at Islamorada Fish Company.
I also visited Key West and Cozumel and hung around in South Florida. One thing I noticed
though was an inordinate amount of women with their hair in buns in South Florida. It’s
probably because it’s so hot all the time. I think when girls put their hair in a bun
on the top of their head; they should be required to greet everyone they see with a sumo stomp.
Don’t get me wrong though the bun is way better than the Snookie poof. So I was on
vacation and I took an afternoon nap after spending a deliciously drunken morning in
Key West fueled in part by pancake shots (Jameson and maple syrup, OJ chaser optional). And
upon waking I went to wash my mouth but all I had were whiskey and rum filling Listerine
bottles. All I thought to myself was "DAMN, smuggling alcohol onto this cruise ship has
got me feeling like KESHA." My life could definitely be worse.
This is another public service announcement brought to you in part by ClearCritic: Remember
kids, where is the best place to situate a keg? Some people say a kegerator in the kitchen
for easy access and to keep it cold, others say in a tub of ice in your living room or
patio, but these people are wrong. The best place to keep a keg is next to your bed, and
against the wall, that way you can bounce out of bed and start each day with a morning
kegstand. There are 3 important things to remember: 1) don't forget to pump prior to
your jump, 2) have a clothespin handy to keep the trigger down and the beer flowing, and
3) don't hang anything on the wall above your keg (save the framed picture of your keg for
the bathroom), so that the soles of your feet can rest easily on the wall because remember
it's not a morning kegstand if you fall.