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[MALVINA REYNOLDS' "LITTLE BOXES" PLAYING]
♪ Little boxes On the hillside ♪
♪ Little boxes Made of ticky-tacky ♪
♪ Little boxes On the hillside ♪
♪ Little boxes, all the same ♪
♪ There's a green one And a pink one ♪
♪ And a blue one And a yellow one ♪
♪ And they're all made Out of ticky-tacky ♪
♪ And they all look Just the same ♪
♪ And the people In the houses ♪
♪ All went to the university ♪
♪ Where they Were put in boxes ♪
♪ And they came out All the same ♪
♪ And there's doctors And lawyers ♪
♪ And business executives ♪
♪ And they're all Made out of ticky-tacky ♪
♪ And they all Look just the same ♪
[♪♪♪]
NANCY: So I really think it's important
that we remove all soft drinks from the vending machines,
and replace them with bottled water
and naturally sweetened fruit juice.
Are you talking about diet soda too?
Because I don't think we should take away the diet soda.
So many of our girls are watching their weight...
Our oldest girls are 11.
They shouldn't be dieting.
I think she got a little Boty between the eyes.
That's just naive.
Well, she probably treated herself, poor thing.
If my husband dropped dead, I'd suck out,
lift up and inject anything that moved.
I know that you've got boys, so you may not understand.
Understand what?
That our children shouldn't be guzzling sugar and chemicals?
No, we are in total agreement about the sugar.
All the sugary drinks should go.
So everyone in favor of eliminating
the "sugary" drinks from the vending machines, ladies.
Ladies?
Wonderful.
That's done.
Thank you, Nancy Botwin.
Head of our Healthy Children's Committee.
CELIA: Now let's take a break.
She's got the big bag.
Guess he left her pretty well fixed, huh?
I heard there was nothing.
They spent all that money on the new kitchen.
Have you seen it? It turned out gorgeous.
So give yourselves a round of applause, everyone.
[CHATTERING]
I wonder how she's getting by.
Nancy, we were all just saying how much we love your purse.
It's a knock off, but you can't even tell.
Let me see that.
Gracia been wantin' one of these.
Seventy-five bucks.
Gracia take one look at that crooked stitch,
and then she know you a cheap trick.
The stitching on this bag is perfect.
Oh, yeah, right there. I see it.
*** it.
Yeah. Lookin' in the dictionary the other day,
saw your picture sittin' up in there,
right next to "dumb-*** white ***."
[LAUGHING]
[BELL DINGS]
Oh. Corn bread.
Oh, that smells good.
I miss carbs.
My friend, Taleesa, tried that no carbs.
She ate bacon and eggs for a whole month.
I'm talkin', like, five dozen eggs and a whole pig a day.
She lost 11 pounds.
My sister does this thing
where they leave a cooler bag full of no-carb food
outside her house every day. She's lost 17 pounds.
We should start that in this neighborhood.
Call it the I'm Gettin' Skinny,
'Cause Some *** Stole My Bag of Food Diet.
Taleesa's still fat.
Uh-uh, she look good.
Then why Ronnie dump her ***?
He found out she was taking his money for Little Ron
and spending it on *** for Sheree.
And he all, "Why don't my son got Adidas?"
It's stupid to buy a kid expensive shoes.
He'll outgrow them in a day.
You calling black people stupid?
And lazy, and they also steal.
Oh, but we sings and dances real good.
White people steal. Enron, WorldCom.
They be stealing billions of dollars,
flush it through some overseas bank account,
then sit on the beach and count their money.
Oh, somebody been listening to the good Reverend Sharpton.
Maybe black people need to start stealing a little bit bigger.
Maybe ***' so.
Hey, that bag looks a little small.
[LAUGHING]
You did not just say that.
***, I can eyeball an ounce from outer space
with my glasses cracked.
Gimme.
Mm-hmm.
All actin' like you know.
Writin' checks yo *** can't cash.
You never question Heylia's eyeballin'.
That's the Rain Man of weed right there.
I apologize,
I'm still new at this. I stand corrected.
Stand? You on your knees corrected.
Gettin' all beside herself.
Gonna come up in my house, tell me about my business?
Girl, you need to recognize.
All right, all right. Fine.
I'm a ***-***...***.
[LAUGHING]
Gimme a little respect.
I'm the biggest game in the private community of Agrestic.
Drugs sell themselves, Biscuit. You ain't ***.
You still ain't ***.
How much you got there?
Uh-uh. Take that crap off my money.
You not givin' me a present. You're payin' me for weed.
Excuse me for trying to bring a little beauty
into an ugly world.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, ***. It's 2:30.
Well, where you rushin' off to with your *** all on fire?
Dr. Phil ain't on till 4.
Shane's got his grief counselor.
Oh, right. I'm sorry.
Wait, I'll walk you out.
Damn.
Can you imagine, though?
Boy out joggin' with his daddy, havin' a good time...and boom...
Daddy drops.
That will *** a kid up.
Well, you show me who ain't *** up.
***.
Who wants some corn bread?
Ooh, right here.
You all right?
I'm fine. I'm just late.
You sure?
Conrad, we do business, not personal.
You know I'm full-service.
Andy didn't tell you that when he hooked us up?
I believe my brother-in-law's exact words were,
"Dude, meet the finest jit with the finest ***."
Jit?
I was just quoting.
I gotta go.
All right. Drive safe.
Know where I live at, right?
I do. Bye.
MAN [ON TV]: Shh! I think I hear somethin'.
Brush is awful thick over there, can you see anything?
He's quartering towards us, but he's obstructed.
I can't get a good shot.
What happened in the guest room?
Ask Shane.
I'm asking both of you.
I fell through the skylight.
But don't worry, I'm okay.
Turn the show back on.
There's a hole in the ceiling.
What were you doing up there?
I tell him, missus.
SILAS: Come on.
Deaf girl on Dewey Street could hear her.
She's not deaf, she just talks weird.
There's something wrong with her tongue.
What? Who told you that?
She's totally deaf.
Hey, if Dennis Cling says
there's nothing wrong with her tongue...
Hey. Uh-uh.
SHANE: What do you mean? What?
Did they French kiss?
Hey, Mrs. Botwin.
NANCY: Hey, Quinn, you want some chili?
That's right, Shane.
They French kissed.
QUINN: Who French kissed?
Dennis Cling and Megan Beals.
Oh, they did a whole lot more than--
Quinn.
Hey, how's your shoulder?
I'm totally okay.
Can I have the remote back now?
Please?
You were here when he fell?
Officially, I was at Kim's house working on a science project.
"Officially."
SHANE: Yeah, they were making out.
But nothing naked.
Shut up.
[PAGER BUZZING]
Oh.
I gotta go out for a second.
The neighborhood-watch thing.
I'll be right back.
[TV TURNS ON]
Sure.
MAN: One time, I shot this black bear
clean between the shoulder blades
with my Browning BLR 308.
Next time, we go bow-huntin'.
Guns are for ***.
Uh-oh.
MAN: I told you!
You can't miss the bear!
Uh-huh.
[GASPS]
Christ. Josh.
You need to relax.
My husband died of a heart attack,
you want to orphan my kids?
NANCY: So, what's up?
JOSH: My guy went on this yoga retreat in Redlands,
and he won't be back for a week.
I was just wondering if you could help me out.
He didn't take care of you before he left?
Well, they've been playing Wing Migration at the 'Plex
for the midnight show all week. Wiped me out.
*** hasn't gone this fast since The Passion of the Christ.
People got *** for The Passion of the Christ?
[CHUCKLES] That-- That's disturbing.
It's not as disturbing as watching it not ***.
Religion my ***, it's a straight-up snuff film.
Why don't you take the week off?
That just goes so against
my Christian work ethic, Miss B.
Come on, help me out. I'd do it for you.
I don't need you to.
My guy doesn't do yoga.
Cash.
Come on.
I was at the orthodontist the other week,
and I heard all about Shane's overbite.
It's gotta be costing you some serious green.
You gonna play by the rules?
♪ One of your own kind ♪
♪ Deal to your own kind ♪
♪ I'm putting the love ♪
♪ In the glove ♪
NANCY: Okay, listen.
You stay away from my customer base,
you don't deal to kids.
Are we clear?
If they're too young to bleed, they're too young for weed.
No grass on the field, no grass will they yield.
You're a poet.
You know it.
It's getting late, you want a ride home?
No, I'll be good. It's the suburbs.
Safe to walk the streets at night and all that.
Whoa.
You should take 'er easy on the lattes, Miss B.
Don't kid yourself. Caffeine is a serious drug.
Go away now, Josh.
Later, Miss B.
[♪♪♪]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
COACH: Let's go, team. Come on, hustle out there.
NANCY: Foul!
Ref, what's the matter with your whistle?
Well, technically, Nancy,
ref can't call a foul.
Shane was kicked by his own teammates.
Oh.
Look at Isabel go.
How's she doing with her nutritionist?
Oh, fine. Fine.
She lost three pounds.
In just four months. Good for her.
She has a very slow metabolism.
We're thinking of putting her on thyroid medication.
Why she couldn't take after my side of the family,
I will never know.
Did you see my kick?
Yeah, I wanna see more running out there, Isabelly.
Yeah, that's what burns the fat.
Your kick was great, Isabel.
Yes, it was.
Yeah. I'm just gonna go get a drink.
Water or diet soda only.
You know, I love Dean, but he has ruined my children.
He has.
Quinn has his asthma,
Isabel has inherited his unfortunate build.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Well, we all have our crosses to bear.
MAN: All right, bring it on in, Hurricanes.
Nice effort out there, huh? Let's go.
Oh, look, I think Shane is bleeding.
Ew! Shane just licked his own blood!
KIDS: Ew!
You know, maybe he needs more iron in his diet.
Here you go.
Okay.
Let the healing begin.
Can we go home now? Please?
It's not even halftime.
I don't feel well. I think I have rickets.
No, you've gotta tough it out, little man.
How 'bout this?
How 'bout you relax and have a drink,
and sit out this quarter,
and you'll play again in the second half, okay?
Okay?
Fine. Can I have fruit punch?
You can even have fruit punch.
I love you.
You know...
from all the books I have read,
you should really be encouraging Shane and Silas
to talk about Judah's death. Or down the road,
you're looking at two very dysfunctional adults
who will have trouble sustaining healthy relationships.
Celia.
What?
I had no idea you read books.
Well...
MAN: Hey, Nancy.
How's it going?
Douglas, do you know where your son Josh is, right now?
And what he's doing?
Yeah, yeah, he's over there somewhere.
Nancy, I was wonder--
There's some nice stuff in here, Doug.
Okay, that's great.
It's kind of expensive, but I promise you,
it's worth every penny.
Really?
Well, you haven't let me down yet, Nance.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Catch ya later.
I'll see ya later, Doug.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, later.
He's trying to find something nice for Dana,
her birthday's coming up.
Well, if he really wanted
to do something nice for his wife,
he'd ship that delinquent son of his off to military school.
Will you look at that?
The little scumbag sells drugs right on the playground,
nobody does anything about it.
That's it, I'm gonna call the police.
Oh, please. Save your weekend minutes.
The kid'll drop what he's got by the time he sees them
marching through the sandbox,
there'll be nothing to arrest him for.
Somebody's been watching Law & Order.
NANCY: Just the reruns.
I've been finding Jerry Orbach oddly confident.
Oh, you are such a brave widow.
All right, now if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna chase that little *** out of here.
Oh, did you hear?
They found a 10-year old with marijuana
in his lunch box yesterday.
A--? A 10-year-old?
Put that on your ankle.
But I wanna play, we're short one.
I guess I could go back in, coach.
What?
Oh, uh, Botwin, um...
There's only a few minutes left in the half,
it wouldn't make a difference.
And you. Sit there and ice that ankle
so you can play after the break. You hear me, cowboy?
Now, the Hurricanes don't fully blow unless you are out there.
Coach, did you mean to say that to Devon?
Because I think the Hurricanes blow especially hard
when I'm out there.
You watch yourself, Botwin.
All right, way to go, Hurricanes.
Come on, let's see some hustle.
Actually, you should alternate cold and hot
every 20 minutes.
Don't even talk to me, weirdo.
Fine. I was just trying to help.
I don't need your help, Lipstick.
Lipstick?
Your fruit-punch lipstick, Fruit Punch.
It's perfect. Fruit for the fruit.
Or are you just pretending it's blood?
'Cause we all know how much you love the taste of blood.
Is that it, Vampire?
Okay, I'm confused.
Am I Weirdo, Lipstick, Fruit Punch or Vampire?
You really need to pick an insulting name and stick to it.
How 'bout Orphan Boy?
[♪♪♪]
I'm going to kill you. You little freak.
Shane, where--?
Come here, you!
You are so dead!
Oh, Devon, honey.
You really need to watch where you're going.
Well, it's never gonna happen in my house.
My mom's probably got, like,
spy cameras in the light fixtures.
Come on.
You think I'm kidding?
This is a woman who put
one of those stuffed teddy-bear nanny-cams in the pantry
so she could see when Isabel was sneaking food.
[LAUGHING]
[PANTING]
I am so dead. I am so dead.
Is he coming?
There's no one chasing you, Shane.
Oh, man. What, are you wearing lipstick?
It's not lipstick, it's fruit punch.
I threw a can of soda at Devon Rensler.
Well, that was stupid.
He called me Orphan Boy.
Did you hit him?
Oh, that's bad.
Can't miss the bear.
What bear?
I missed the bear.
The shot was nowhere near his optimum kill zone.
What are you talking about?
Don't you watch Bear Hunt? On the Wilderness Channel?
Somehow, I've missed it.
It's only the best show in the history of television.
Every week, these guys with gun racks
and their big ol' monster trucks go out and they kill a bear.
No, it's so awesome!
You've gotta bring enough gun
to get the job done.
Oh, and tell her about CGS!
Whoa, Shane. Don't wet yourself.
CGS--
Carter Grizzly Sunk. He's the host.
At the end of each show he's got--
He's got the head of the bear they shot that week.
And he leaves you with these, like, wise parting words, like,
"You can't miss the bear,
"or he gonna turn around,
"and rip you open like a present
from your mama on Christmas mornin'."
Okay, we are breaking up.
Come on.
Think of the time this will save us on foreplay.
Just whisper, "Shoot me in the optimum kill zone,"
I'll be good to go.
I could whisper "linoleum" and you'd be good to go.
You're finally gonna do it?
Thank God. He's been going crazy.
Shane. Shut the *** up.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Look at you You're young ♪
♪ Having so much fun ♪
♪ Gonna be a star ♪
♪ Blah, blah, blah ♪
♪ And click There goes the phone ♪
♪ I don't wanna know ♪
♪ What my horoscope's Predicting ♪
♪ Pour me a drink ♪
♪ I need a kick ♪
[WITH STEREO] ♪ I don't wanna think I just wanna sing ♪
♪ Baby, don't you hear me At all? ♪
Doug...
Jesus, Nance, you weren't kidding, this stuff is primo.
You wanna climb in?
Unless you wanna go back to buying ditch weed
from your housekeeper's cousin,
I suggest you put away the pipe, hide the open bag of pot,
and get your head out of your ***. What are you thinking?
What?
You're on the *** City Council.
What if someone like Celia walked by?
She's such a ***. Great ***.
But a raging ***.
Her husband's boning the tennis pro.
The Asian girl?
Mm-hmm. She love him long time.
Doug, she's from Anaheim, not Bangkok.
She can't shoot tennis balls out of her ***.
Well, last week she stuck the handle of a racket
up Dean's *** when he was plowing her.
He said it felt unbelievable.
But you know, if you ask me,
any guy who lets anything up there is at least part ***.
How--? How do you know all this?
He's in the poker game.
And he just shared it with you?
He was losing. Drank too much.
Did Judah ever say anything about our sex life
No, no.
The guys who still have sex with their wives
usually don't wanna jinx it by saying something out loud.
He was a great guy, Nance. I miss him a lot.
Yeah. Me too.
If only he'd lived long enough for me
to stick foreign objects up his ***.
I never even got a finger up there.
You're an amazing lady.
And you're an idiot.
Air out the van and keep your smoke private.
You hear me?
Yeah. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.
We cool?
We're cool when you pay me.
Now we're cool.
Hey, hey, hey, I was just getting into that.
You know, it's all about textures this fall.
Oh, right, right, will do.
Hey, Dana wants you to call her about taking a class
in vegetable gardening or vegetable cooking.
Something with vegetables. Vegetable carvings, maybe.
Excuse me, ma'am, have you heard the good news about Jesus?
You made me a promise, you little ***.
Take it easy, I won't sneak up on you anymore.
I just heard a 10-year-old got busted. A 10-year-old.
You're a *** liar.
The kid told me he was 37.
You promised me no kids.
Yeah, but they all want it.
And they cry if you say no.
I just sold 'em shake.
He's 10.
Look, when you opened shop here,
I was totally cool with you, you know?
And you took away a lot of my parent business,
but I let it go.
It's not okay to sell to little kids.
Let their parents worry about it.
I'm selling to whoever's buying, okay?
No, you're not.
No, you're not.
No? What are you gonna do, you gonna tell on me?
My dad's over there getting baked in the minivan.
He'll just be pissed that I was holding out on him.
Don't worry.
I will never sell to Shane, okay?
You're a kid.
You're just a stupid, irresponsible kid.
And you're a hypocrite.
[LAUGHS]
Keep kids off drugs, cries the pot-dealing mom,
but you know what? Hey,
if it gets you through the night, Nance.
I'll see you 'round.
Can we go now? I hate soccer,
and Devon Rensler called me Orphan Boy.
Devon Rensler's a ***.
Get in the car.
[GIGGLING]
Are you two coming?
BOTH: Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
Can we have sex in your house?
So you guys really think you're ready?
Yeah. I've tortured him enough.
I mean, we've been going out for almost three months already.
Whoa. Whole three months.
But I trust him.
SHANE: Hello?
I think you're right about that, but you guys are only 15.
SHANE: Mom. Mom!
SHANE: I'm not sure where she is.
Can I take a message?
No? Okay, bye.
Shane? We're up on the roof.
Quinn's mom.
She's on her way over.
Go warn your brother.
SHANE: Silas!
She's gonna make you swear that Silas and I
are never in a room alone without the door open
and a foot on the floor.
She's such an uptight prude.
No wonder my dad's screwing Helen Chin.
You know about that?
I had my suspicions. You just confirmed them.
Ah, ***.
Look, Mrs. Botwin, I think you're really cool.
But Silas and I are ready.
You say that, but you don't know.
You never know.
When I had sex with my last boyfriend--
Sex with your last boyfriend?
Yeah.
What? Did you think we were virgins?
I'm climbing down.
See you in the house.
Oh, check it out.
Mr. Wells has a new boy-toy.
He...what?
I didn't know he had an old one.
Yeah. That guy, Raoul, from the security patrol,
but they broke up a while ago. Hand me the binoculars.
QUINN: Oh.
Oh, no way.
I know that guy.
His dad would so fully freak if he knew Josh was gay.
Josh?
Josh Wilson, Josh?
Yeah.
QUINN: I think he's a pot dealer or something.
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING]
I know nothing.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[KNOCKS]
[TECHNO MUSIC BLARING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
If it's Girl Scouts, get the mint cookies.
Yes?
Just one second.
JOSH: The minty ones.
Wait. Who are you?
I'll just be a second.
Excuse me?
Your dad may not care about the dealing,
but from what I hear, he'd be really upset about this.
Okay. You win. No kids, ever, I promise.
Right. Your promises aren't worth much.
I swear on my life, okay, just... You can't say anything.
You don't know what my dad is really like.
What's going on?
You think you know a person.
Promise me you're not gonna
say anything, please, Miss B.?
What does that mean?
See ya 'round, Josh.
See you in church.
CELIA: I know everything.
I read her diary.
You read her diary?
They're going to have sex.
Here. Brought you something.
It has a camera in it.
Just slip it into Silas' room,
flip the switch right under the tail here.
I think Silas would notice if a big pink bear
suddenly showed up in his room,
and I'm not gonna spy on my kids,
Celia, I trust them.
Please, they're all liars and sneaks,
and it is our job to discover
what they're up to and stop it.
Are you really that naive?
I'm beginning to think
I am extremely naive.
I'm not gonna take the bear.
No.
Okay, fine, fine.
Just promise me, mother to mother,
that my daughter and your son
will not have sex under this roof.
I know it's hard for you to understand
because you have boys.
But I don't want Quinn turning into some little ***.
Like that deaf girl down on Dewey Street
who gave *** to Dennis Cling.
Fine, fine.
Not under my roof, you have my word, as a mother.
Thank you.
Where's my change?
Here.
Oh, look, Silas.
Look at that cute stuffed bear on the table.
We used to have one just like it in our pantry.
What happened to that bear, Mom? I miss that bear.
You can't miss the bear.
That is the bear from the pantry.
I was just showing it to Nancy.
Why?
Why?
I've been thinking of investing in one of those
make-your-own-bear franchises at the mall.
Oh, right, well, are you gonna keep him?
Because I'd love to put him in my room.
Gimme the bear.
Give me the bear.
He's all yours.
[BELL RINGS]
DEVIN: Course he's not here today.
He knows he'd get his *** kicked.
[BOYS CHUCKLE]
[VIDEO GAMES BEEPING]
[SCREAMS]
***!
I want blood!
Quit it!
Quit it! Quit it.
You know, I think pink's really your color, you ***.
Who's Fruit Punch now?
Nice.
Shane goes on a paint rampage, gets suspended,
the two of you ditch school
to *** in my guest room.
I've got everything under control.
Don't you see?
Technically, we're not under your roof.
See?
[♪♪♪]
♪ It's 16 miles ♪
Hey!
♪ To the promised land ♪
♪ And I promise you ♪
♪ I'm doing the best I can ♪
Oh, ***. Come on. Come in.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[SOBBING]
It's all right.
Heylia, break out that pie you made last night.
The white lady havin' a time over here. Come on.
Tell her to get her skinny *** in here,
and get her own damn pie. Slave days is over.
♪ I visit these ♪
♪ Mountains with frequency ♪
♪ And I stand here
With my arms up ♪
♪ And if you want me ♪
♪ You'd better speak up ♪
♪ I won't wait ♪
Oh, Dean!
*** it! Come on!
[MOANING]
HELEN: Dean.
[GRUNTING]
DEAN: Put it in, Helen. Put it in.
Oh, my God!
♪ But this day by the lake ♪
♪ Went too fast ♪
[MOUTHS] *** you.
That little ***.
[MOUTHS] *** you.
I should have had an abortion.
[PETULA CLARK'S "DOODLIN' SONG" PLAYS]
♪ Do-de-oo-dee-oo ♪
♪ Do doo-dee-oo Doo-dee-oo ♪
♪ Do-de-oo-dee-oo ♪
♪ Why don't you Join the group? ♪
♪ It's better than being A party-poop ♪
♪ Say you love me ♪
♪ Please believe me ♪
♪ When you do ♪
♪ Do doo-dee-oo Doo-dee-oo ♪