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I'm not a prophet...
...but sometimes I have prophetic dreams...
... like the one where I was at a garden party.
Excuse me. Everyone, l have a brief announcement to make.
Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the devil...
...and the government is lying about 9/11 .
Thank you for your time and good night.
No!
lt can't be true!
Unhand me.
He's on fire! Somebody get some water.
You having that dream where you made white people riot.
But l was telling the truth.
How many times have l told you you better not even dream...
...about telling white folk the truth. You understand me? Shoot.
Making white people riot.
You better learn how to lie like me.
l'm gonna find me a white man and lie to him right now.
Sorry, Billy Blanks...
...but why buy the tape when you can get the infomercial for free?
What in the hell...?
Boys!
Would one of y'all like to explain this?
You mean the orange juice or the miniskirt?
Which one of y'all drank the last glass of orange juice?
That's the last full day's supply of vitamin C.
What am l supposed to do about my vitamin C?
Y'all need to start appreciating your granddaddy.
l spent your inheritance...
...on this beautiful house in this neighbourhood...
...and all l ask you to do is act like you got some class.
-Hey, what's class? -lt means, don't act like ***.
See? That's what l'm talking about right there.
We don't use the N-word in this house.
Granddad, you said the word '' ***'' 46 times yesterday.
-l counted. -***, hush.
Now, you may not like it...
...but l moved y'all out here to expand your horizon.
There's a new white man out here, he's refined.
For example, did you know that the new white man...
-...loves gourmet cheese? -Wait.
l'm sorry, did you say ''cheese''?
Yep, cheese. You give the meanest white man...
...a piece of cheese, and he turn into Mr. Rogers.
-That doesn't make sense. -Don't you talk back to me, boy.
You can't tame the white-supremacist power structure with cheese!
-Oh, yes, l can. -No, you can't.
-Yes, l can. -No, you can not.
Cheese. How can somebody that old say something that stupid?
l know about white people too. Like, when they talk...
...they say the whole word, like this.
Why did he even move us out here?
Probably did it just to make us miserable.
And white people take time out to study.
l hate this place.
And white people arrest you.
Man.
Hey.
Looks like the feds.
Who the hell could be knocking this early in the morning?
lf it's a Jehovah Witness, l'm kicking his ***.
-Yes? -l'm looking for Robert Freeman.
l'm Robert Freeman.
l'm Ed Wuncler, from Wuncler's Savings and Loan.
So?
l own the bank that owns your house.
Oh, well, come in, sir. Welcome to your house.
Robert, my family founded Woodcrest...
...over 1 7 0 years ago.
l was born here, and l still live here.
l consider this place to be family...
...and l'm very selective about who l allow into that family.
You understand what l'm saying, Robert?
Hey, yes, l totally understand.
Would you like some...
...cheese?
Did you just offer me cheese?
Yes, l did.
l'd love some cheese, thank you.
Riley, go get the fancy cheese.
l'd like to ask some questions, if you don't mind.
Are you gay, and, if so...
...do you have a gay lover living with you in the house?
Gay? No, l'm not gay.
l happen to think a man looks nice with good hair and a ponytail.
But no. l'm not gay.
What's your position on gay marriage?
Well, first of all, l believe all marriage is wrong.
Good one.
You don't look like you associate with any Muslims, Arabs, you know.
People of terrorist descent?
-Well.... -We got Kraft and we got Velveeta.
Your grandson?
Afraid so.
You know, l have a grandson too. He's--
ls that right? Well, this has been delightful.
Well, it's really been a pleasure, Mr. l-Own-Everything.
We should get together soon and have more cheese.
Like a nice Brie or Gouda-- Gouda.
You know, you're my kind of guy, Freeman.
Old school.
What are you doing tomorrow?
We're throwing a garden party for my grandson.
He just got back from lraq.
You should stop by, meet some of the neighbours.
-Bring the kids. -Sounds like a splendid idea.
l'll see you tomorrow.
Thanks for stopping by. Cheers.
Huey!
This damn thing looks real.
Can l have my gun back?
Son of a--!
A garden party? Yeah, boy.
l might go buy sandals and new underwear.
Oh, you shot me.
Granddad tried to assassinate me.
Boy, what did l tell you? This is the new white man.
He's distinguished.
Granddad, l do not sip tea with the enemy.
You can force me to go...
...but you cannot force me to be someone l'm not.
The hell l can't. You gonna go and you're not going to embarrass me...
...in front of my neighbours, or l'm gonna beat your ***.
Why can't we be ourselves, huh? Why can't l be me?
-Are you ashamed of us? -Very.
We never asked to move here...
...with your precious new white people, Granddad.
Well, you didn't ask for us to be attacked by dogs and fire hoses...
...so you can live here, but we did it.
Oh, here he go again with the dogs and the fire hoses.
Shoot, we were attacked by dogs and fire hoses.
Were you attacked?
l don't know what difference that makes.
Because it's like the whole generation...
...tries to take credit for what happened to some people.
That's ridiculous.
Now, see. Well, you know, what had happened was....
Come on. Come on, get out of here.
Go, go! Come on, get out of here.
Oh, man.
l missed it. Was it bad?
Did they do the thing with the fire hoses?
What do you think, chump?
-Damn, what's eating you? -A *** German shepherd.
That's what's eating me. Where was you?
l had to go back to the apartment because l forgot my raincoat.
You went to--? You--?
This *** went to get a *** raincoat.
l can't believe you.
We all been watching the news.
The police been doing this fire-hose thing all week.
l just assumed we'd all wear our raincoat.
Damn it, Robert. Who the hell shows up to a march with a raincoat?
-You wish you had your raincoat. -You son of a ***!
Remember what Dr. King said!
Who actually got hit with the fire hose ain't important.
We're going to this party, and your black ***...
...are gonna behave.
lf l'm lucky, l'll find myself a nice white woman with a flat ***...
...who'll listen to my problems.
Now the word for the day is '' behave.''
H-E-A-V-E.
-Behave. -l'm coming, l'm coming.
Excuse me. Out of the way, Kunta Kinte.
Yes, sir. How can l help you?
Excuse me?
Oh, Lord have mercy.
Security. Security, we got a code black.
Code black at the main gate.
Ruckus, what the hell is a ''code black''?
There are some hungry-looking *** at the front gate.
What y'all doing here? Deliveries are in the back.
Well, my name is Robert Freeman, l was invited here by Ed Wuncler.
Well, l'm Ruckus. Uncle Ruckus, no relation.
And l work for Mr. Wuncler.
And you slick *** ain't gonna fast-talk your way into this here party.
Ruckus, what the hell are you doing?
Mr. Freeman, l'm sorry. Please, come this way.
See, boys, and you thought we'd be the only black people.
Robert!
Glad you made it, Robert. This is my grandson, Ed lll.
-How are you? -What's up, y'all, what's good?
So l understand you just got back from lraq.
For real? Yo, what's it like?
What's it like?
What am l supposed to say to that, '' lt was cool, there was ***''?
There was ***, but a lot of them had, you know...
...they was covered up in them curtains they be wearing.
But l digress. lt was war.
lt was war basically.
War, you know what that's like?
*** be, like, shooting:
Bombs blowing up. And, you know, the *** scared me.
Scared the *** out of me. Matter of fact, l *** on myself...
...over a dozen times...
...and ran out of toilet paper after the second time.
So you know what that meant, right?
l had to use the thumb, man. lt was kind of nasty.
But the good thing about it was they stopped taking me on patrol.
My name became ''Stink Bomb,'' you know what l'm saying?
They said, you know, l was giving away our position...
...because of the *** smell. That was fine with me.
They wanted to leave me back and l was like:
''Well, *** y'all. Y'all go ahead on, because l don't need y'all anyway.
l'm rich, ***.''
The *** y'all looking at?
Hey, little man...
...you like guns?
-Yeah. -Come on.
Come on, let's get that drink.
Well, you should definitely see The Passion.
lt's a very important movie.
Couldn't see it. White Jesus.
Excuse me?
Come on, man. lt's supposed to be all historically accurate...
...and they still have a white man playing Jesus?
That's some old ***.
Young man, you speak so well.
Well:
Look like we got us the winner of the Lucky-***-of-the-Year award.
They must think the sun shine out your ***.
Mr. Wuncler's been very nice, yes.
They must think you Sidney *** Poitier.
Well, l been working for Mr. Wuncler for 20 years.
l ain't never got invited to the party.
Shoot, he don't even let me use the front door.
But you wouldn't know about that, now, would you, Mr. Tibbs?
Oh, yeah.
They must think your ***...
...smell like spring daisies and cinnamon.
Check this out.
Are those real?
Real? Put it this way...
...if l pick one up and put it to your face...
...pull the trigger, will you be dead?
And all l'm saying is Ronald Reagan was the devil.
You are such an articulate young man.
l'm trying to explain to you that Ronald Reagan was the devil.
'' Ronald Wilson Reagan.''
Each of his names has six letters, 666.
Man, doesn't that offend you?
l love this kid.
Stop that. What are you doing?
Stop clapping.
-Having a good time, Robert? -lt's....
Come on, have a drink with me.
You look nervous.
Do l make you nervous, Freeman?
Nervous? No.
l was just keeping an eye out for the boys.
This is a lovely party.
The only joy l get from these parties...
...is standing around telling mean-spirited jokes...
...at other people's expense.
l do that too.
Check out that guy.
Why is his face all twisted up like that?
Looks like he jacks off with lcy Hot.
He looks like he just *** a gerbil.
A gerbil.
Sorry, l'll be right back.
Tell me this, why was all the video recording of the Pentagon attack...
...seized by the FBl and never seen again?
-He speaks so well. -He's adorable.
Are you even listening to what l'm saying?
***, if you ruin this party for me, l'll put my--
Ruin the party? They love me.
These people aren't worried about us.
They're not worried about anything. They're rich.
No matter what happens...
...these people will just keep applauding.
Attention please, attention please.
My name is Uncle Ruckus, no relation.
l wanna sing y'all a brand-new song l just wrote called:
'' Don't Trust Them New *** Over There.''
Sing along if you know the words.
Don't trust them new *** Over there
Leaving they *** essence In the air
Them happy, ***-head ***
With their fingers on the triggers
Don't trust them new *** Over there
Are you sure that vest will stop this shotgun?
Man, l'm like the Terminator in this vest.
What the hell They doing here anyway?
What, you don't believe me?
Go ahead...
...pull the trigger.
-Now, are you sure that--? -l said pull that trigger now!
You wanna play rough? Okay.
Don't trust them big nostrils Over yonder
They'll suck up so much air It'll mak e you wonder
Don't trust them new ***
With their squatty little *** figures
Don't trust them new *** Over there
l think the N-word is okay as long as they say it.
See?
Say hello to my little friend.
*** y'all looking at?
Hey, you think we in trouble?
You shot his grandson out the window.
What you think?
l don't know, l didn't wanna move here...
...but l didn't really want Granddad to lose his house.
He worked his whole life to get here.
Man, l like that house.
Oh, well, l shot a ***!
Mr. Wuncler, l'm sorry about the whole, you know...
...my-grandson-shooting-your- grandson-out-of-the-window thing.
Are you mad?
ln 30 years, that boy will be the president of the United States...
...and he'll still be a *** idiot.
Now, are we gonna have that drink or what?
Glad you were able to make it, Robert.
To the old school.
To the old school.