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( theme music playing )
HE'S GONE TO 35.
- WHO HAS?
- THE POSTMAN.
THAT'S EVERY DAY THIS WEEK
HE'S BEEN TO 35.
HE'S BOUND TO HAVE
SOMETHING FOR US
THIS MORNING.
WELL, IF HE HAS,
HE'LL DELIVER IT,
IF NOT HE'LL GO
PAST AGAIN.
I WON'T HAVE HIM
WALKING PAST AGAIN.
NOT WHEN HE'S BEEN
EVERY DAY TO NUMBER 35.
I LIKE HIM
WALKING PAST--
ANOTHER DAY
WITHOUT A BILL.
I FEEL QUITE FESTIVE
EVERY TIME HE WALKS PAST.
I HAVE TO HOLD MY HEAD UP
IN THIS COMMUNITY.
I'M LOOKED UP TO.
WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO THINK
IF I GO THREE DAYS WITHOUT MAIL?
IT'S PROBABLY
ONLY JUNK MAIL
GOING TO 35.
RICHARD, THAT IS
NEITHER HERE NOR THERE.
I WILL NOT HAVE MY JUNK MAIL
GOING TO OTHER PEOPLE'S HOUSES.
- ARE YOU FINISHED,
RICHARD?
- I--
I THOUGHT I'D JUS HAVE A FEW MINUTES
WITH THE PAPER.
YES I THOUGH YOU'D FINISHED.
NOT MUCH POIN IN BEING EARLY RETIRED,
IF YOU CAN'T FIND
TIME FOR A FEW MINUTES
WITH THE MORNING PAPER.
OFF YOU GO THEN.
INTO YOUR GARDEN.
NOT THE GARDEN?
THERE MUST BE
SOMETHING OUT THERE
YOU COULD BE DOING.
NOT UNLESS YOU WANT ME
TO POLISH IT.
I'VE OBLITERATED
EVERY WEED.
THERE'S NO NEED TO TAKE
THAT TONE, RICHARD.
I HOPE NOW YOU'VE
GOT ALL THIS LEISURE,
YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO WASTE YOUR TIME
BEING BELLIGEREN AND ARGUMENTATIVE.
"LEISURE.
"
"ALL THIS LEISURE.
"
MORNING, RICHARD.
JUST OFF TO WORK, EMMET?
'FRAID SO.
IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR SOME,
LUCKY OLD DOG.
( sighs )
* TIME ON MY HANDS *
( humming )
I'M SORRY, RICHARD.
I WASN'T THINKING.
IT'S NO ALL RIGHT, IS IT?
OH, IT'S NOT SO BAD.
I THINK THAT'S
THE BRAVEST THING
I'VE EVER HEARD.
( phone ringing )
ELIZABETH,
IT'S HYACINTH, DEAR.
I JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU
WHAT DAY IT IS.
WHAT DAY IS IT?
WELL, IT'S THE DAY
THAT MRS.
COUNCILOR NUGEN
IS COMING
FOR AFTERNOON TEA.
YOU REMEMBER, DEAR,
I TOLD YOU.
SHE'S ON THE COMMITTEE
FOR SAVING SOMETHING.
WHALES WAS IT?
OR COULD IT BE ENGLAND?
ANYWAY, IT'S NO IMPORTANT DEAR.
WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS
THAT I RATHER SUSPEC
SHE'S GOING TO INVITE ME
TO SERVE WITH HER
ON HER COMMITTEE,
AND I'D LIKE YOU
TO BE HERE, DEAR.
THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU,
HYACINTH,
BUT WHY DO YOU
NEED ME THERE?
YOU COULD MAKE HER AWARE
OF THE LITTLE THINGS
THAT MATTER.
YOU KNOW, DETAILS
THAT WILL CONVINCE HER
THAT I'M JUS THE SORT OF PERSON
SHE'S LOOKING FOR.
DON'T OVERDO IT,
OF COURSE.
I'M A GREAT BELIEVER
IN SUBTLETY, AS YOU KNOW.
WELL, I'LL JUST HOVER
IN THE BACKGROUND.
BUT YOU COULD PERHAPS
DRAW HER ATTENTION
TO MY ROYAL DOULTON
WITH THE HAND PAINTED
PERIWINKLES.
OH, NOT YOUR PERIWINKLES,
HYACINTH.
DON'T LET ME NEAR
YOUR ROYAL DOULTON.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
I'LL STAY IN THE KITCHEN
WITH A BEAKER WHILE
YOU TWO TALK.
NO, NO, NO, DEAR.
I WOULDN'T HEAR OF IT.
YOU'LL BE QUITE SAFE
WITH MY PERIWINKLES.
GOODBYE.
ONLY IF I TIED
MY HANDS BEHIND MY BACK.
- I'M WORRIED.
- ABOUT NOT GETTING UP?
NO, I'M NOT WORRIED
ABOUT NOT GETTING UP.
I ADMIRE YOU, ONSLOW,
YOU CAN REALLY
HANDLE THE STRESS
OF NOT GETTING UP.
- I HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHT.
- I KNOW.
I WAS THERE.
I KEPT THINKING
ABOUT RICHARD,
ALONE IN THAT HOUSE
WITH YOUR HYACINTH.
WELL, HE MUST BE
USED TO IT BY NOW.
NOT DAY AND NIGHT.
HE USED TO HAVE
TO GO TO WORK.
NOW THE POOR DEVIL'S
GOT HER DAY AND NIGHT.
OH, COME ON,
SHE'S NOT THAT BAD.
HOW CAN YOU LIE LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE SHE'S MY SISTER.
THAT POOR TRAPPED
HUMAN BEING.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO DO
SOMETHING ABOUT RICHARD.
GOOD, IT'S TIME
YOU WERE UP.
ANY MORE TEA?
AND A BACON BUTTIE
WOULD BE NICE.
HELPING PEOPLE
REALLY GIVES YOU AN APPETITE.
RICHARD!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DEAR?
WAITING FOR SOMETHING
TO GROW OUT OF PLACE.
SOON AS IT MOVES,
I'LL HAVE IT.
I HOPE YOU WON'T BE
GOING THROUGH THIS KIND
OF PERFORMANCE
WHEN MRS.
COUNCILOR
NUGENT COMES.
CAN'T YOU FIND
SOMETHING MORE ACTIVE?
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THAT.
NOW I'VE GOT ALL THIS TIME,
I THOUGHT I MIGHT SAIL
ROUND THE WORLD SINGLE-HANDED.
OH, RICHARD!
WHO'D DO ALL YOUR WASHING?
I'D DO MY OWN.
THEN WHO'D BE STEERING
THE BOAT, DEAR?
THEY HAVE AUTOMATIC
STEERING THINGS.
THAT'S MUCH EASIER.
WHAT YOU NEED
IS A SENSIBLE HOBBY.
FOLLOW ME.
( mimicking )
"FOLLOW ME.
"
THAT'S NOT A HOBBY,
IT'S A FULL-TIME
OCCUPATION.
NOW
STAND THERE
TILL I RETURN.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'LL BE BACK IN A MOMENT.
JUST STAND THERE.
UNTIL WHEN?
UNTIL I COME BACK
AND PRESENT YOU
WITH YOUR HOBBY.
- I HAVEN'T GOT A HOBBY.
- YOU HAVE NOW.
I PROBABLY COULD.
I PROBABLY COULD
SAIL ROUND THE WORLD
SINGLE-HANDED.
ALL ALONE IN THE MIDDLE
OF A VAST OCEAN.
MUST BE HEAVEN.
SHE'S RIGHT ABOU THE SHIRTS THOUGH.
DON'T MOVE, RICHARD.
STAY WHERE YOU ARE, DEAR.
I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN YOU.
OR I COULD BUY
A BICYCLE,
GO FROM LAND'S END
TO JOHN O' GROATS
BY BICYCLE.
SAME OLD PROBLEM.
WHO DOES YOUR WASHING?
CLOSE YOUR EYES.
OH, IS THAT IT?
CLOSING MY EYES?
IS THAT GONNA BE MY HOBBY?
RICHARD, I AM ABOU TO PLACE IN YOUR HANDS
SOMETHING WHICH COULD
CHANGE YOUR LIFE.
MY OWN KEY?
DON'T BE SILLY, RICHARD.
NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES, DEAR.
OHHH!
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S YOUR
RETIREMENT GIFT.
THERE IS YOUR HOBBY.
THE VIDEO CAMERA.
THEY GAVE IT TO YOU
WHEN YOU LEFT,
AND YOU'VE NEVER
BOTHERED WITH IT.
I SUPPOSE I WAS
SAVING IT UNTIL SOMETHING
INTERESTING HAPPENED.
OFF YOU GO THEN, DEAR,
AND FILM SOMETHING
INTERESTING.
BE ARTISTIC.
I'M ARTISTIC.
SHERIDAN'S ARTISTIC.
I'M NOT BEING
THAT ARTISTIC.
( phone ringing )
OH! THAT'S PROBABLY
SOMEBODY IMPORTANT.
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE,
THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.
SHERIDAN!
HOW UNCANNY OF YOU
TO CALL MUMMY
JUST AS WE WERE
TALKING OF YOU, DEAR.
WHAT A DEEP
PSYCHIC BOND WE HAVE.
IT'S ALMOS FRIGHTENING.
IF HE WANTS MONEY AGAIN,
IT'S TERRIFYING.
RICHARD!
I'M SO GLAD
YOU TELEPHONED, SHERIDAN.
I'VE BEEN
MEANING TO ASK, DEAR,
ARE YOU STILL WEARING
YOUR KNEE BANDAGE?
AHH!
WHY SHOULD PEOPLE LAUGH
AT YOU IN A KNEE BANDAGE?
I'VE NEVER LAUGHED AT YOU
IN A KNEE BANDAGE.
I'VE ALWAYS THOUGH YOU LOOKED LIKE MUMMY'S
BRAVE LITTLE SOLDIER.
WELL, PERHAPS
NOT SOLDIER, DEAR.
MORE LIKE MUMMY'S
BRAVE LITTLE POE OR INTERIOR DESIGNER.
AND NOW DADDY'S
BECOMING ARTISTIC, TOO.
YES.
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.
YES, HE'S TAKEN UP
FILMING.
MMM.
IT'S VERY EXCITING.
GETS HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE.
- ( camera beeping )
- YES, I THOUGHT YOU'D
BE INTERESTED.
YES, OF COURSE
IT ALL STARTED
WHEN HE WAS PRESENTED
WITH A VIDEO CAMERA
FOR HIS RETIREMENT.
YES.
NOT QUITE THE ACCOLADE
HE DESERVES, OF COURSE.
NO, HE'S NOT DOING I PROFESSIONALLY YET, DEAR.
I WOULD SAY AT THE MOMEN HE'S SIMPLY A GIFTED AMATEUR.
WELL, IT COULD
LEAD TO THAT.
YES.
NO, I SEE NO HARM
IN YOU TELLING YOUR FRIENDS
THAT DADDY
IS A FILMMAKER.
WELL, IT'S--
IT'S PERFECTLY TRUE.
SO TELL DADDY
WHAT DEAR?
OH, YES, I CAN SEE THAT.
YES, IF THEY THINK
THAT DADDY IS A FILMMAKER,
THEN OF COURSE
WE SHALL PROBABLY HAVE
TO INCREASE YOUR ALLOWANCE.
NOW, RICHARD,
WHAT I WANT YOU
TO DO
IS FILM SOMETHING
BRILLIANTLY FOR A BEGINNER.
AND THEN COME BACK
AND SHOW IT TO US
WHILE COUNCILOR
MRS.
NUGENT'S STILL HERE.
I CAN'T JUST GO
POINTING A CAMERA
AT COMPLETE STRANGERS.
OF COURSE YOU CAN.
THEY'LL BE DELIGHTED.
THEY'LL THINK
YOU'RE SOMETHING
FROM THE BBC.
OOH, JUST A MINUTE.
WELL, MAYBE THIS IS
HOW ALFRED HITCHCOCK BEGAN.
OH, IS THIS REALLY
NECESSARY?
TRUST ME.
NOW YOU LOOK THE PART.
NOW, I WANT YOU
TO BRING ME BACK
SOME LITTLE HUMAN CAMEO,
SOMETHING UPLIFTING.
OFF YOU GO, DEAR.
NOTHING VIOLENT, OF COURSE,
OR DISTASTEFUL.
REMEMBER, YOU'RE NO CHANNEL FOUR.
I STILL SAY
I CAN'T GO POKING A CAMERA
INTO OTHER PEOPLE'S AFFAIRS.
THEN BE A SHADOW.
THE PHANTOM FILMMAKER.
DO IT FROM A PLACE
OF CONCEALMENT.
SEE?
OH, IT WILL BE FROM A PLACE
OF CONCEALMENT,
YOU CAN RELY ON THAT.
HE SAID HE'D RING.
HE SWORE HE'D RING.
WELL, SEE IF I CARE.
HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW
SOME DAYS YOU JUS GET WASHED OVER
BY THIS SENSE
OF COSMIC EMPTINESS
AND LACK OF MEANING?
HAS HE RUN OU OF BEER, AGAIN?
IT'S NOT THE BEER.
I JUST CAN'T SETTLE
MY MIND TO ANYTHING.
THAT'S WHAT THEY ALWAYS SAY
ABOUT YOU DOWN THE SOCIAL
SECURITY.
WHY CAN'T YOU
SETTLE YOUR MIND
TO ANYTHING?
I KEEP THINKING
ABOUT POOR OLD RICHARD
WITH YOUR HYACINTH
DAY AND NIGHT.
THEY COULD GE TWIN BEDS.
I'D HAVE HAD THEM
FROM DAY ONE.
YOU THINK
YOU'RE HARD DONE BY,
AND THEN YOU HEAR
ABOUT SOME OTHER POOR DEVIL.
IT MUS MAKE YOU REALIZE
JUST HOW FORTUNATE
YOU ARE.
I'M GOING TO SEE
IF RICHARD'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN GIVE ME
A LIFT.
I WONDER
IF PEOPLE REALIZE
HOW EXPENSIVE YOU WERE.
IT SOMETIMES
WORRIES ME.
I STAND YOU THERE
AND STILL THERE ARE
PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO IDEA
HOW EXPENSIVE YOU WERE.
NO.
AH!
- IS THAT YOU ELIZABETH?
IT'S OPEN, DEAR.
COME IN.
- OH!
- OH! I'M SORRY.
AM I EARLY?
NO, I WANTED YOU TO COME
BEFORE MRS.
COUNCILOR
NUGENT ARRIVES.
I WANTED US TO HAVE TIME
TO PREPARE OUR PLANS.
PLANS?
FOR GETTING ME
ON THE COMMITTEE.
ARE YOU WEARING THAT DEAR?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?
OH, NOTHING DEAR.
NO, I'M SURE IT'S
CHARMING.
I CAN CHANGE
IF YOU LIKE.
NO, NO, NO.
I WOULDN'T DREAM
OF ASKING YOU TO DO THAT.
NO, I'M SURE
IT LOOKS PERFECT.
HOW LONG WOULD I TAKE YOU TO CHANGE?
TWO MINUTES.
NO, YOU'RE FINE.
I'M GETTING USED TO IT.
( phone ringing )
OH, EXCUSE ME,
I MUST ANSWER THAT.
IT'S PROBABLY
SOMEBODY IMPORTANT.
THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE.
THE LADY OF THE HOUSE
SPEAKING.
OH, IT'S YOU VIOLET.
IT'S MY SISTER VIOLET.
YOU REMEMBER VIOLET?
THE ONE WITH THE MERCEDES
AND THE JACUZZI--
AND ROOM FOR A PONY.
THOUGH NOT IN THE JACUZZI,
OF COURSE.
VIOLET YOU SOUND EXCITED, DEAR.
HOW ARE YOU? YES.
BRUCE HAS WHAT?
TAKEN UP
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING?
YES, VERY HEALTHY.
MMM.
HE WANTS TO DO WHAT, DEAR?
BORROW A FLORAL BIKINI?
OH, DEAR.
YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL
I HAVE NO SUCH GARMEN IN MY WARDROBE.
LOOK
NO, IT'S TOTALLY
OUT OF THE QUESTION.
NO, DEAR.
I'VE NEVER HEARD
OF ANYTHING SO RIDICULOUS
IN ALL MY LIFE.
UP, ONE, TWO.
DOWN, ONE, TWO.
UP, ONE, TWO.
DOWN, ONE, TWO.
IT'S AN EXERCISE, YOU KNOW?
FOR THE HIPS.
VERY GOOD.
OHHH!!!
CLOSE THE DOOR, DEAR,
WILL YOU?
THERE'S A DRAFT.
NO, I WILL NOT GO
WITH HIM TO A FITTING.
RICHARD?
HELLO, EMMET.
I THOUGHT IT WAS YOU.
I'M GLAD
IT STILL LOOKS LIKE ME.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE ME.
ISN'T IT A BIT HO IN THERE?
SWELTERING.
OH!
WHAT ON EARTH
ARE YOU DOING?
FILMING.
HYACINTH DISCOVERED
A HOBBY FOR ME.
I DAREN'T GO HOME
WITHOUT DOING
SOME FILMING.
SHE WANTS TO SEE
THE RESULTS.
- IT'S A NICE CAMERA.
- IS IT? I SCARCELY KNOW
THE RIGHT END.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY
THE PARK, RICHARD?
WHAT FOR?
THERE ARE BETTER PLACES
TO HIDE IN THE PARK
WHILST YOU'RE FILMING.
OH, I MIGHT JUST DO THAT.
I COULD DO THE DUCKS.
NOW I'VE GOT A FEELING
THAT I COULD DO DUCKS.
I THINK THE BEST PLACE
FOR YOU TO SIT IS THERE.
WOOPS!
YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
THERE.
DON'T LEAN TOO CLOSE
TO MY EXPENSIVE PIECE
OF PORCELAIN.
THERE, THERE, THERE.
VERY FEW PEOPLE REALIZE
HOW EXPENSIVE THAT WAS.
PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO DROP
A HINT TO MRS.
COUNCILOR NUGEN
WHILE I'M OUT OF THE ROOM.
- YOU'RE GOING
OUT OF THE ROOM?
- OF COURSE.
YOU'RE GOING
TO LEAVE ME ALONE
WITH MRS.
COUNCILOR NUGENT?
ONLY FOR A MOMENT, DEAR,
WHILE I MAKE THE TEA.
- I'LL MAKE THE TEA.
- NO, NO, NO.
OH, BE CAREFUL!
NO, WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO
IS TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY
OF INSERTING AN IDEA
INTO MRS.
COUNCILOR
NUGENT'S MIND.
- I'LL GET IT WRONG.
- YOU WON'T GET IT WRONG,
DEAR, YOU CAN'T.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS OFFER MY SERVICES
TO HER COMMITTEE.
TELL HER THAT YOU THINK
I COULD BE PERSUADED
TO SERVE.
- WHY DON'T YOU TELL HER?
- OH NO, DEAR, I COULDN' DO THAT.
( doorbell rings )
THERE SHE IS--
RIGHT ON TIME.
DOESN'T BREEDING TELL?
I SHALL LET HER IN
WHILE YOU PRACTICE
YOUR SPEECH.
AND DON'T FORGE TO MENTION MY ORNAMENT.
( doorbell ringing )
( gasping )
OH, ONSLOW.
WHAT A PLEASAN SURPRISE.
OH, AND THE OLD CAR.
ISN'T IT AMAZING
HOW IT KEEPS GOING
AND COMING?
AND ROSE THERE.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
WELL, ONSLOW,
IS THERE ANYTHING
I CAN DO FOR YOU?
LEND YOU A PULLOVER
FOR EXAMPLE?
I CAN'T DO
WITH BEING BUNDLED UP
WITH TOO MANY CLOTHES.
YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE
IN ANY IMMEDIATE DANGER.
I JUST WANTED A WORD
WITH RICHARD.
RICHARD! OH NO,
YOU'RE TOO LATE.
NO, YOU'RE TOO LATE.
HE'S GONE OFF.
HE'S GONE OFF
TO MAKE A FILM.
- A FILM?
- MMM, YOU MAY WELL
LOOK SURPRISED.
RICHARD'S BECOME
VERY ARTISTIC.
- HE'S ALL RIGHT THEN?
- ALL RIGHT?
I MEAN, HE'S BEARING UP
IN A REASONABLE MENTAL
FRAME OF MIND?
- HE'S FINE.
WHY SHOULDN'T HE BE?
- OH, NO REASON.
I WOULD INVITE YOU
TO STOP,
ONLY I'M EXPECTING
A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON
UPON THE HOUR.
I'LL POP IN AGAIN SOMETIME,
WHEN RICHARD'S IN.
OH GOOD!
ACTUALLY HE'S HARDLY
EVER IN.
GOODBYE.
I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.
OH! MRS.
NUGEN NOT COMING IN?
OF COURSE,
SHE'S COMING IN.
OH, THAT WASN'T HER.
( laughs )
THAT WAS JUS SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR.
WHO I'M GLAD TO SAY
HAS GONE ON HIS WAY
BEFORE HE CLASHES
WITH MY GUEST.
( car engine sputtering )
OH, NO!
( engine sputtering )
ONSLOW, MOVE THIS CAR.
I'M TRYING TO MOVE THE CAR.
ROSE, HOW NICE TO SEE YOU.
GET BACK IN THE CAR, DEAR.
WHAT'S THE POIN OF GETTING BACK
IN THE CAR?
I CAN THINK
OF SEVERAL REASONS.
THERE'S A SHOVE.
MAYBE, IF YOU GIVE US A SHOVE.
YOU DO THE SHOVING,
ONSLOW, I'LL SUPERVISE.
I CAN DO I WHEN THERE'S NO ONE HERE.
WHEN HYACINTH'S
NOT WATCHING,
I CAN HANDLE ROYAL DOULTON
AS WELL AS THE NEXT PERSON.
IT'S PERFECTLY SIMPLE.
YOU TAKE HOLD OF I FIRMLY BUT GENTLY,
YOU RAISE I CAREFULLY.
SEE? IT DOESN' EVEN WOBBLE.
SO WHY CAN'T I DO I WHEN HYACINTH'S HERE?
- ELIZABETH!
- OHH!