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♪ MRS. FALBO'S TINY TOWN COME ON IN AND HANG AROUND ♪
♪ YOU'LL HAVE FUN JUST WAIT AND SEE ♪
♪ NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES AND FOLLOW ME ♪
♪ HELLO BOYS AND GIRLS WHAT'S NEW ♪
♪ MRS. FALBO'S GOT SURPRISES FOR YOU ♪
♪ DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL STAY FOR A WHILE ♪
♪ IT'S MRS. FALBO'S TINY TOWN ♪
[APPLAUSE]
OH, WELL, HELLO, BOYS AND GIRLS, HOW ARE WE TODAY?
GOOD, WELL, THAT'S GOOD.
WELL, WHY DON'T WE SAY HELLO TO OUR FRIEND, THE FISH.
HELLO, FISH.
[LAUGHTER]
YES, WHY DON'T WE SAY HELLO TO OUR NEW FRIEND, THE SLUG.
HELLO, SLUG.
[LAUGHTER]
SLUG?
UH OH.
OUR NEW FRIEND, THE SLUG, PASSED ON.
HE'S A GONER, ALL RIGHT.
IT'S BECAUSE HE DIDN'T EAT HIS FRIEND, THE CARROT,
TO GROW UP BIG AND STRONG LIKE HIS BROTHER, THE ARMADILLO.
[LAUGHTER]
TODAY'S SHOW IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER "P"
AS IN, "PET FISH," AND "PET SLUG."
[HORN]
[APPLAUSE]
GOOD MORNING, MRS. FALBO.
GOOD MORNING, BOYS AND GIRLS.
GOOD MORNING, MR. MESSENGER AND WHERE ARE WE GOING?
PRAY TELL.
I'M ALL PREPARED TO PICK UP AND POUND THE PAVEMENT.
WELL, THAT'S VERY GOOD, BOYS AND GIRLS, YOU SEE,
TODAY, MR. MESSENGER AND I ARE GOING OFF TO PRISON.
THE MELONVILLE MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON.
AND WHY ARE WE GOING THERE, MR. MESSENGER?
TO KILL SOME TIME?
THAT'S RIGHT, TO KILL SOME TIME━━NO, NO,
KILL SOME TIME, I━━NOT TO KILL SOME TIME.
WE'RE GOING BECAUSE CRIME DOESN'T PAY.
YES, AND NOW THEY'RE GOING TO ROLL SOME CLIPS.
SIT DOWN THERE.
♪ I'M STUCK IN FOLSOM PRISON AND TIME KEEPS DRAGGING ON ♪
WELL, HERE WE ARE THE MELONVILLE MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON.
NOW, MR. MESSENGER, DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S CALLED,
"MAXIMUM SECURITY?"
NO, I DON'T, MRS. FALBO.
WELL, THEN WALK UP THERE AND YOU'LL FIND OUT.
ALL RIGHT.
[ GUNFIRE ]
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT, MRS. FALBO?
THAT WAS PRETTY FOOLHARDY OF YOU.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD ME KILLED.
WELL, YOU SEE, THE GUARDS ARE TRAINED TO SHOOT AND KILL,
MR. MESSENGER.
THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED, "MAXIMUM."
YOU SEE, IF IT WERE CALLED, "MINIMUM" THEY'D ONLY MAIM YOU.
WELL, LET'S GO INSIDE.
BE CAREFUL.
BE CAREFUL, YOU GO FIRST.
GO UP.
YOU GO FIRST.
THEY KNOW ME.
THEY KNOW YOU.
FIRE AWAY, BOYS.
THIS IS CELL BLOCK H WHERE THEY KEEP
THE HARDENED CRIMINALS AND WARDEN DALE BEECHNUT
WAS KIND ENOUGH TO GIVE US A PERSONAL TOUR.
WELL, CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG, MR. BEECHNUT, BUT ISN'T YOUR JOB
VERY MUCH LIKE THAT OF A CUB MASTER?
NO.
OH.
[LAUGHTER]
PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS.
[WHISTLE]
HAVE A GOOD DAY, COME ON.
OUR NEXT STOP WAS THE CAFETERIA WHERE THE PRISONERS EAT
BECAUSE WHEN THEY WORK THEY GET HUNGRY.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING OTHER THAN BEEF STEW?
MRS. FALBO'S ALLERGIC TO BEEF.
DON'T WORRY, LADY, THERE AIN'T NO BEEF IN THERE.
OH.
I'LL HAVE LOTS, PLEASE.
AND THEN AFTER LUNCH, MR. MESSENGER AND I
AND THE INMATES EXCHANGE MANY THOUGHTS━━
AND THEN GILDA RADNER TURNED IT DOWN
AND THAT'S HOW I GOT INTO TELEVISION.
YOU REMEMBER THAT, DON'T YOU?
OH, YEAH, MRS. FALBO.
WELL, ENOUGH ABOUT ME,
WHY DON'T WE TALK ABOUT YOU BOYS?
WELL THEN, JIMMY, YOU'RE IN FOR ARSON?
FIVE TO TEN, MRS. FALBO.
[LAUGHTER]
OH, AND DUKE, YOU'RE A LIFER FOR A CRIME YOU DIDN'T COMMIT?
THAT'S ABOUT THE SIZE OF IT, MRS. FALBO.
[LAUGHTER]
OH.
AND MUHAMMAD, WHAT ABOUT YOU?
MANSLAUGHTER.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, IF WE HAD JUST LEARNED TO PUT
IN OUR OLD FRIEND, MR. APOSTROPHE,
WE WOULD HAVE HAD━━
MAN'S LAUGHTER, MRS. FALBO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
MAN'S LAUGHTER.
I ASSUME YOU FIND THAT HUMOROUS.
WELL, WE SHOULD NEVER ASSUME ANYTHING,
SHOULD WE, MR. MESSENGER?
NO, MRS. FALBO.
BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS THEN?
YOU MAKE AN *** OUT OF YOU AND ME.
THAT'S RIGHT━━
[LAUGHTER]
━━AN *** OUT OF YOU AND ME.
AN *** OUT OF YOU AND ME.
THEY SAY THAT MUSIC SOOTHES THE SAVAGE BEAST,
SO MR. MESSENGER AND I PUT ON A LITTLE SHOW.
♪ BUT I SHOT A MAN IN RENO JUST TO WATCH HIM DIE ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ I HEAR THAT WHISTLE BLOWING I HANG MY HEAD AND CRY ♪
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THAT, OF COURSE, WAS THE SMASH HIT JOHNNY CASH HAD,
"FOLSOM PRISON BLUES," A PERSONAL FAVORITE OF MINE.
MRS. FALBO?
YES, WELL, THEN WHY DON'T WE LOOSEN THINGS UP
WITH AN AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION SONG.
JUST SING ALONG IF YOU KNOW IT.
DON'T BE SHY.
SOUNDS GOOD.
GOOD, HIT IT, MR. MESSENGER.
♪ WELL, I STUCK MY HEAD IN A LITTLE SKUNK'S HOLE ♪
♪ AND THE LITTLE SKUNK SAID NOW BLESS MY SOUL ♪
♪ TAKE IT OUT TAKE IT OUT ♪
♪ TAKE IT OUT REMOVE IT ♪
EVERYBODY SING ALONG NOW.
COME ON, IF YOU ALL KNOW IT.
I'M GOING BACK TO SOLITARY.
I'D RATHER LISTEN TO THE BLOOD RUSH THROUGH MY EARS.
COME ON, MR. MESSENGER, WE'RE LOSING THEM.
♪ IF YOU DON'T TAKE IT OUT THEN YOU'LL WISH YOU HAD ♪
♪ TAKE IT OUT TAKE IT OUT ♪
IT'S A BREAK.
MR. MESSENGER.
MR. MESSENGER, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
COME BACK.
WHAT?
DOESN'T ANYONE LIKE MUSIC?
MRS. FALBO.
WHAT?
EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF, GET OUT OF HERE.
[SIRENS]
EASY DOES IT.
HOW ABOUT A FEW IMPRESSIONS, DUKE?
JUST YOU AND I, MRS. FALBO.
[CHUCKLING]
WELL, THAT'S ALL FOR MELONVILLE PRISON, BACK TO TINY TOWN.
[APPLAUSE]
WHEW, WE'RE BACK, BOYS AND GIRLS,
WE HOPED YOU LIKED OUR FILM.
WE REALLY DID.
MR. MESSENGER'S A LITTLE POOPED.
HE'S ALSO A LITTLE PIG,
HE DOESN'T SHARE HIS POPCORN WITH MRS. FALBO.
MARLENE, TELL MR. CABALLERO, PLEASE.
MRS. FALBO, I'M VERY SORRY.
I MUST HAVE DOZED OFF━━
ALL RIGHT, MR. MESSENGER.
WELL, WE SURE HOPE YOU LIKED OUR SHOW TODAY.
TOMORROW'S SHOW WILL BE BROUGHT TO YOU
BY THE LETTER Q AS IN QUENTIN CRISP.
MRS. FALBO, WOULD YOU LIKE A RIDE HOME?
ALL RIGHT, MOVE ON.
ALLOW ME TO GET THE DOOR FOR YOU, MRS. FALBO.
DON'T TRY TO BUTTER ME UP, YOU PIG.
YOU HURT ME, MR. MESSENGER.
NICE MOUTH, MRS. FALBO.
[APPLAUSE]
[ MUSIC ]
♪ MRS. FALBO'S TINY TOWN COME ON IN AND HANG AROUND ♪
♪ YOU'LL HAVE FUN JUST WAIT AND SEE ♪