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Cross Examination with Shelby Cross is one of our top programs
here on the Onion News Network. Well, yesterday Shelby warned us about
Al Qaeda's latest plot to populate America with patriotic peaceful decoy Muslims in
order to get us to lower our guard. To explain more about this looming threat,
former prosecutor Shelby joins us right now.
Hi Brooke. Hi Shelby.
Now you have been telling your viewers that Al Qaeda actually has more than
five million decoy Muslims in our country to soften us up for their next attach.
Yes and attack they will if we don't do something.
Listen, these friendly decoy Muslims are virtually everywhere walking among us,
making people think ‘Hey, Muslims, they're just like you and me."
I mean there's no reason - it wouldn't be fair for the police to stop and question
every Moslem that's out in public the way Shelby Cross is suggesting because that
would just be racist.
Well, yeah, that was exactly what Al Qaeda is counting on.
Shelby, what can we do?
Well, if you see a Moslem, I say just walk straight up to them and under your breath
just say "I'm on to you." I don't care if it's a man, a woman,
or an adorable little brown baby jihadist in a stroller.
Okay, but Shelby you have also made it clear to your viewers that these decoy
Muslims can be so sneaky that sometimes you can't even tell their Moslem.
They'll hide as Mexicans, as Puerto Ricans, as Vietnamese, I mean there's
absolutely nothing that would let you know that they were in fact secretly Muslim.
Now, if a Guatemalan or a Mexican ever comes up to me, I just cuff them,
I pat them down, and then I look right in the eyes and I say
"Hey, where are you hiding your Koran?"
So you have to be on your guard at all times?
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But listen, don't get too close to them,
they're extremely dangerous in that they are very, very friendly,
very easy to become friends with them and next thing you know
"Hey, you could become a walking decoy Muslim."
Okay, Shelby, we don't want that.
So what can we do to protect ourselves? Well if you really suspect that you are in
Well if you really suspect that you are in the presence of a decoy Muslim,
the only sure thing you could do is actually shoot them.
Now if they start crying out in Arabic as they die,
you will know that that person is in fact a Muslim and you were right,
you saved yourself the unfortunate end of being blown up.
If they don't cry out that way, they're not a Muslim
and you can go ahead and trust them.
Okay, but they'll be dead, Shelby.
Yeah, but a dead man is the only man you can trust, rule number one.
Yeah, okay, thank you Shelby.