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i don't think you should marry this guy.
what?
Aah!
Don't you ever do
that to me again!
I love you, dan.
It's just so good
how you doing, man?
I'm johnny.
Oh, hey, how are you?
Nice to meet you.
Damn, the things
i used to do to her.
I will be
officiating the wedding.
Really?
We will be working together
pretty closely.
bob baron.
Are you bringing the good stuff?
Oh, yeah.
What's up, doc?
Big Day111
i am very disappointed in you.
You are a doctor's wife.
Do you realize
the damage you're risking
to your lungs, your brain,
your chromosomes?
Did you even listen to that speech
i gave to the boy scouts last year?
Do you think you could
drill a hole so deep
that lava comes out?
I mean, you know,
if you had a submarine.
You have to pull
yourself together.
Your daughter's
getting married.
This isn't funny.
Oh, will you relax?
God,
you are such a buzz kill.
Who told you my frat name?
Buzz ha!
Well, no sign of trauma.
What could have possibly made
you think i was interested in you?
Um, because i'm interested
in you.
L i've never been
interested in a woman before.
Attracted, yes.
Terrorized, absolutely.
Kidnapped by, once.
But interested? Never.
You gotta jump on this
while you got the chance.
You don't really want this guy.
God, you're right.
I don't want someone who's sweet
and handsome and successful
and doesn't offer
to leg-wrestle for me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
and he isn't being investigated
for insider trading,
and he smells nice.
Do i?
You know you do!
Look, you are not a successful,
stable kind of girl.
You're not gonna be happy
with vanilla.
You know, fine.
I have warned you.
Skobo is off the table!
Wh what? What? What
what did you say? Huh?
Nothing.
You you have lost out,
baby.
I am gone!
So i'll be
in the basement.
Oh, isn't it beautiful?
That short period of
golden light just before sunset.
It's what photographers
have long and rightfully so
called
"the magic hour."
And i can't believe
i'm getting married
in two hours.
What?
danny's stupid
dead-grandmother watch.
Well, just just calm down.
Calm down.
Look at me.
Do i look worried?
What are we doing
just standing here?
I have 20 minutes
to get over 200 photos.
Here's your bouquet.
Ow!
Ooh, ooh, that's right.
We we left the thorns in
to keep you dainty.
No one likes a bride
who carries her bouquet
like a beer bottle.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
I can now officially perform
your marriage ceremony.
I got my license renewed
from the internet church
of global peace.
I'm gonna need that
dry-cleaning coupon
there at the bottom.
I have some questions for you.
All right, well,
let's walk and talk, garf,
because we're pressed
for time here.
Yeah. What would
you and your family
like for me to include
in the ceremony?
Oh, danny and i
will love whatever you do.
And as long
as you're mostly clothed
and don't refer to god as "she,"
my parents will be happy.
Well, of course i'm not
gonna rip off my own wedding
except for the bagpipes.
Gotta do the bagpipes.
Final touches!
Final touches, everyone!
Hey, danny. You went
to one of those colleges
that didn't give grades,
right?
I have a question about drugs.
Well, you know, we were given
a written comprehensive evaluation.
I don't care how many hugs you got dramatically.
The literature
is contradictory.
I wanna know how long
it lasts when you, uh
oh! I thought it smelled
like a phish concert.
Well, how much did you
no, it wasn't me.
It was a friend.
Oh. Well
you tell your friend
to drink a cup of coffee
and maybe maybe
get some eyedrops.
He's looking
a little bloodshot.
All right.
So you just went up to becca
and told her how you felt?
I thought you can stand her.
Turns out i can stand her
a lot.
If i see something i want,
i go out and i get it.
You know, johnny and i are in
a similar situation, actually
freddy, we're talking
about me here.
Okay, the point is,
unrequited love is
for girls and ugly people.
Hmm.
What are you doing?
You're embarrassing
yourself.
You're embarrassing
your family.
You're ruining this punch,
which cost $8.50 a head,
which you insisted on,
even though no one has enjoyed
punch since prohibition.
Oh, prohibition
when buzz kills
ruled the earth.
Well, your time has passed.
Would you stop it?
You are destroying all the work
you have paid people to do.
I am not a destroyer.
L- i am an enjoyer.
You're the party pooper
who chose this morning
to tell alice
you didn't want her
to marry danny.
I will have you know
i showed admirable restraint.
Hey, i knew danny
wasn't good enough for her
the first time
she brought him home.
guys? Hey, guys.
If if we could all just start
getting ready for photos
there's a lot to do if you'll
allow me, i'm a little more hysterical.
It's picture time!
Get a wiggle on, everyone!
Listen,
if you need hair spray, gel,
vaseline
for that no-stick smile,
than i suggest you get
your heinies outside.
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Move it! Move it!
Oh, danny!
I'm getting so nervous
and excited and nervous
and i think
i kind of have to pee,
but i'm not really sure.
Oh, god, i hope not.
This thing is
a *** to get off.
When were you gonna tell me
your father doesn't
want you to marry me?
I guess now
uh, 47 minutes
before our wedding.
It's 39 minutes
before our wedding.
Son of a
i'm sorry.
No, i should have seen it.
I mean, he never
laughed at my jokes.
He kept offering
to introduce me to nurses,
and he never used
the wallet i made for him
with his indian name
burned right into it.
All right, danny, look,
i know that this hurts,
and this nurse thing
is a new wrinkle
i'd like to investigate,
but i am marrying you,
not my father.
Well, i have to
say something to him.
Please, can't you just
save it for thanksgiving
when we've all been drinking?
Oh, my god.
What did you do, jane?
What did you do?
The fountain is chocolate.
I know it is, honey,
but right now it's time
for pictures.
Oh, good.
Oh, here. Let's see.
Here, big teeth.
There we go.
Oh. That's what that was.
Yeah.
Here we go
hey, lorna.
I love you.
I love you, too.
okay,
so i gotta show you this.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, this'll blow your mind.
L- i can't. Yeah, no.
Mmm, that was good. Yum.
yeah?
Big teeth. Big teeth.
Hey, danny. Can i borrow you for a sec?
Hey, alice.
Got a minute?
Hey, danny,
I- i couldn't let today go by
without telling you something.
I just feel like
there's always been
a special connection between us.
And and i have to say
before it's too late
i love you, danny.
I love you, alice.
Okay. Weirdest thing
just happened to me.
I think
i might have you beat.
What is she doing?
Oh, this is so fun.
Just screw
signing the guest book.
I'm gonna have
everyone do this.
You're ruining the tent!
No!
No, no, no, i'm not.
No, this is exactly
what this tent needed.
It was too sterile.
Now it looks like
a flock of turkeys.
Lorna!
Ooh, someone's in trouble.
I don't want to alarm anyone,
but we are ten minutes away
from having to use a flash,
and that means red eyes
and wrinkles, people.
Red eyes and wrinkles!
Hey, dad.
Can i ask you something?
put some pep
Everybody move it!
Please hurry! Move it, skobo.
All right i'm playing
the bagpipes at your wedding.
Darn it. I just
can't keep a surprise.
Uh, listen,
i just found out steve
told ace not to marry me.
What?
Oh, danny.
What should i do?
Do i confront him?
Let it go.
Like when your opossum died,
and we attached balloons to it,
let it float away.
And it landed
in the neighbor's tree,
where it rotted
until the spring.
Yeah. The point is,
let your anger
be that opossum.
yeah.
Yeah?
Yeah. Okay, all right.
Thanks, dad.
Good boy.
Unless, of course,
it was just playing possum.
Okay, we are gonna do
a casual "90210" photo.
Uh, brandon, brenda, kelly,
donna, steve. Go!
I'm dylan.
Thank you, skobo.
Could you please
stand up straight?
Do i have to stand
next to your father?
Um, if jane gets to move,
then i don't wanna stand
next to becca.
She keeps grabbing my ***.
I do not!
You hear that, dr. Scott?
She's all over me.
Okay, guys, this is
supposed to be a happy day.
Can we all just get along
for six freakin' hours?
Oh, i'm getting along.
Talk to your mother.
Just make sure you show her
something shiny to keep her focus.
hello.
Oh, and here we have
the handsome groom
and his father.
I'm calm.
I'm gonna be civil.
It's it's fine.
You!
I tried to let it go,
you stinking possum!
Dad! Come on.
What?
Say you like my son!
Stop it! Say you like danny! Aah!
Dad! Dad!
Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!
Dad! I really should remind
you, that tux is a rental.
Get him off me!
Please stop it!
This is my wedding day!
I raised my boy
to be good and kind!
Aah!
And gentle!
Dad! Whoa! Whoa! Come on.
That's not helping.
That's not helping.
Come on.
Hey, hey, hey,
hey! All right!
you people suck!
What the hell?
You sucker punched me.
Well, you sucker punched
my son in the heart.
Look, i know you think
i'm some kind of freak.
But i did not bike here
all the way from maine
on a spirit quest
so you could mistreat my boy.
Okay, all right, dad.
I think you made your point.
I'm sure steve is very sorry.
So why don't you go
cool down now, huh?
Maybe you're right
All right. Walk it off.
Ugh.
Shake it shake it out. Good.
who is it?
How did you find me?
It's becca,
and this is my room.
Jane, i hope you're enjoying
your little magic carpet ride,
because this wedding
is falling apart! Shh!
don't let
your father know i'm here.
Did i ever tell you
that bob baron
once proposed to me?
You were almost
bob baron's daughter.
Miss becca bob baron.
I'm not sure
it works that way, mom.
I was gonna be an artist.
I was learning the sitar,
and i was
gonna raise chickens
and weave
all my own clothes.
Wow, that sounds
awful.
And you have all that up?
Yes. I met your father.
He was uptight,
arrogant and condescending,
and he didn't have
any money back then.
Oh, i tried to resist him
as long as i could,
but i always knew
he was the one
and that
there would be money.
Right.
Oh, becca.
You remember that boy that
you used to like so much?
The one with the guitar
and all the hair?
Slash?
Yes, slash.
I know that you have
a life planned with slash,
but things just
happen and change
in a way
that we can't predict.
But, mommy,
we're so perfect
for each other.
You can't escape fate.
damn it, jane.
This wedding needs you!
But you can hide from it.
Becca, i need you to decorate
danny's car. I'm not doing that.
Look, the maid of honor
and the best man
decorate the car.
Now, everyone's run off,
and we are
in a holding pattern
until steve
can get his tuxedo sewn up,
at which point,
we will be lucky
if we can get one photo,
and everyone will blink,
because of course they will,
and i'll get blamed for it.
And the only memento
we are going to have
of this blessed day
will be three years off my life
and this piece-of-crap car
covered in tin cans.
You couldn't stay away
from me, could you, baby?
Dude, i am not into you!
sure you are.
You are totally wrong
for me!
Aren't we saying
the same thing?
Okay, how can I
how can i explain this
so that you'll understand?
Um
it seemed like fun
at the time,
but last night was
the biggest mistake of my life,
and keep in mind,
i have a creed tattoo
on my ***.
Let me tell you something.
This is the first time
in my life
that i have slept with someone
and stuck around.
You had to.
You're the best man
at my sister's wedding.
You think that would stop me?
I could've left,
but i felt something for you,
and i expressed
those feelings out loud,
with other people listening.
You turned me gay,
and i am gay for you.
You are such
a pathetic loser.
And you are a crazy person
who has no idea
what she wants!
Yeah? I know i wanna do this.
What? Ow!
All right. You know what?
If that's how it's gonna be
Hey! Whoa!
Nice throw.
I thought you could see now.
Oh, well, these obviously
aren't the right prescription,
because i thought
you were pretty.
I am pretty!
Well, so am i, baby!
So am i!
no. Dear god, no.
Uh, pictures now!
We have to shoot something,
anything. Um
oh! Victor,
let's shoot the maid of honor
and the best man
decorating the car.
Oh, yeah!
yeah, boy!
Let's just hurry
and shoot something.
Oh, my stars.
We're gonna need more soap.
Do you like
the band creed?
Well, i guess
alice told you, huh?
Yeah, i suppose honesty is
an important part of marriage.
Actually, alice lied to me.
I found out by eavesdropping.
Ah. That sounds more like
the marriage i'm used to.
Look,
i was wrong this morning.
I know alice loves you.
It's just
she's my little girl.
It's nothing to do with you.
I wasn't gonna think anyone
was good enough for her.
i can honestly say, um
i'm glad
that you're the person
i don't approve of.
Thanks, steve.
Can i give you a hug?
Ah, what the hell.
What are two doing?
We are trying to stage
a beautiful moment outside.
Move it!
Yeah.
Move it. Move it. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
We decorated the car. That's your
business. Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
Let's go.
Please hurry, people.
This is our last hope.
Hey, dad.
Steve apologized to me.
Ah, good.
And, steve, i'm sorry
i wrestled you to the ground,
but you insulted my cub,
and i have a very powerful
mothering instinct.
Yeah, well, i'm
i'm sorry if my kidneys
bruised your fist.
Hurry. Get in a line.
Just, um
oh, stand anywhere you want,
people.
Just smile, damn it. Smile.
Okay.
That's beautiful. Okay.
One two three
wait, where's alice?
She's not there?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
alice? No, you can't
take it without the bride!
Alice,
you're missing your day!
alice!
Alice!
Alice?
How did you find me?
Well, you'd be surprised
how many people remember
a bride running
down the street.
So, uh
is it cold feet?
No.
No, of course not.
Why'd you take off?
I don't know.
Everybody was arguing
and rolling around
in the dirt,
and my mother
was acting like becca
at her junior high graduation.
And i just thought,
this is not
how i pictured my wedding.
I should've listened to you
when you said
we should just run off
and get married.
Well, i was 13 when i said that. Yeah.
But if you had
let me use your mascara
to darken my moustache,
i'm pretty sure
we could have pulled it off.
You know what?
We still can.
Let's elope.
can we do that?
Why not?
It would be so romantic.
Well, yeah
that's interesting.
We don't have to
give the presents back.
Yeah?
Just once
just once i'd like to see
a wedding i plan
actually go off.
The light is lovely.
Seems a shame to waste it.
Oh, fig. Devil eyes.
So what do you think?
Now that you and i are all
you know.
I was seriously thinking about calling my date
and telling her not to come. What?
Yeah,
but my gut's telling me
to play it out with her
for the wedding.
I used her miles
to get my ticket.
But hey
it's totally your call, okay?
It's just i don't want
to be a jerk about it.
Now i remember why i stopped
doing that horrible stuff.
I like being in control.
I thrive on tension.
I know you do, honey.
oh,
now look what i've done.
I've ruined
alice's wedding.
And and while
i was out of it,
some idiot desecrated our tent
with chocolate hand-turkeys.
Why didn't you stop them,
steve?
Good to have you back,
honey.
Okay, let's just focus.
Now where's alice?