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My story is a dirty story. My story is a story of lies.
My story is a story of perversion. My story is a story of abuse.
I never thought that my parents, uh...
I know they had no intention of letting in a person who could hurt us.
And besides, this person was the son of a pastor.
I said "I don't think he has any bad intentions."
He started... doing things... nasty things
that no human being
should really have to experience.
Most of the time he said...
"Don't worry, this is normal, you're in your teens.
I'm just helping you."
And then again and again. Then another time and another time.
And I started asking myself why.
I was in my house, I wasn't looking for danger.
I wasn't looking for trouble.
I kept my mouth shut, I didn't say anything.
"If you tell anyone, people will come and take the church from your dad."
I remember when he told me, he looked into my eyes and said,
"And you don't want the church taken from your dad, right?"
So it was natural that I didn't.
The night no human being would want to go through.
I remember waking up and feeling a body over me.
I pushed him, I rushed out of bed, I went to hide in some place of the house and sat down.
And I started crying. I cried and cried.
But I had to cry quietly because I didn't want my parents to hear.
I cried in silence for a long time.
And I remember he told me,
"Don't worry," he said, "this is between you and me, I'll protect you.
I'll make sure nothing happens to you."
I started feeling dirty, I started...
I felt it was my fault, that I'd caused all that.
I'd let things happen for too long and that...
it was nobody's fault but mine, and that I had to put up with the consequences.
I started wondering why he felt attracted to me, why when I was a man and he was a man?
Why? What's wrong with me for him to want to be as obscene as he was with me?
Why? Why? Why?
I started looking at pornographic magazines, I started telling myself,
"I like women, I don't like men."
I was overwhelmed, stuck, focused on ***.
At the time I was looking for *** everywhere because I wanted
to tell myself, "This is what I like, not this."
So my way of calming down the pain was saying,
"No, I like to see that kind of stuff."
I spent years and years and years with ***.
Maybe four or five, but it felt like 100.
I watched *** and went to church, I came back, I watched more *** and went to church.
I watched ***, I sang a song.
Filthiness and more filthiness.
It had destroyed me.
The time came for a youth camp and I didn't want to go.
I remember a message about David
about how when people saw a shepherd, God saw a king.
And that stayed in my heart.
Because people looked at me and didn't know what was going on with me, they didn't know what I'd gone through.
They didn't know I was still struggling with ***.
I was still the pastor's son, I was still a musician, I was still active in church
but I was a slave of that situation.
That play on words stayed in my heart and I said, "What could God see in me?"
Then the preacher comes to me and says, "I have something to tell you.
Your decision to serve me
will make a difference in thousands and thousands of people along the way."
That was a time I had to confront God and the reality
that I needed from Him, that...
that I had to give up that past.
I needed a change in my life.
I thought it was impossible to forgive something like that.
I remember the weight came out from me, and...
and I sat in my room.
But it was when I said his name,
that I forgave such and such, I said his name.
It's like at that point, God took all that stuff out of my mind and my life.
I felt clean and...
And not only did I feel God's forgiveness in my life, I also felt
that my forgiving him, came to free my life.
It's like the box I was in,
someone had come and turned the key
and my soul had been freed from all this pain.
I forgave you.
And today I tell this story because
I want the world to know there's hope.
And there's forgiveness and restoration.
And there's a better life
if we trust in God.
My name is Josue Padilla.
And I am Second.