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I was confused when my dad left.
I would just think like he's not here.
He's not seeing me grow up.
Every time he saw me, he was like, wow, you've grown up so
much since the last time I saw you.
And I'm like, you should be seeing it as it happens.
You shouldn't have to watch me grow up in segments
from year to year.
That's just not fair.
It's not fair that you're not here for me.
It's not fair that you're spending more time with your
new family.
You should be here with me.
I would always think to myself, I was here first.
I was here before your new wife.
I was here before your new kids.
Why can't you be here?
Where are you?
It was just lonely.
It was very hard, very hard to experience that.
Then, when I was about a senior in high school, I fell madly
head over heels in love for this guy.
He was just very intelligent.
He owned a business.
He had this huge, beautiful house.
He had written a book and published it too, and then was
working on two other novels.
He just swept me off my feet completely.
Every worldly thing I had ever wanted to attain, it seemed
like he had done it, and he had done it better than
anybody else.
He was very controlling of me.
If I would go have a conversation with one of my
good girlfriends for 30 minutes on the phone just to
catch up with them, he would get upset.
If I wanted to see them he would get upset.
I had to buy an entire new wardrobe because none of my
clothes were good enough for him,
didn't meet his standards.
I was accused of cheating several times, which I don't
know how that was possible--
I was with him every momentof every day.
And he just shoved me off of him and walked off.
And we were like in the middle of the street.
What just happened?
What did I do wrong?
Why are you so upset with me when all I'm trying to do is
have some sense of a normal life here?
What I realized was I constantly was just looking
for that attention in the same way I had looked for it in my
father, and I needed a fatherly figure.
This man that I was engaged to was older, and so I saw him as
wiser and someone that I could take direction from in the
same way I would seek that from a father.
I finally realized I had been investing all this time, all
this emotion, and putting these things first in my life
that weren't worth putting first in my life.
I found myself calling out to God nightly, nightly just
begging for the pain to just go away.
The times I have felt God most present in my life have been
in those times where I am just in desperate,
desperate need of Him.
I just need to know that I'm loved and I'm cared about.
Christ brought me out of the pit, and He raised me up.
And so He's the one that could meet my needs from now on.
And He's the one I realized that I need to be
pouring my life into.
He loves me all the time no matter what.
He's there.
I can pray to Him at any time.
He isn't distant.
He's not far away.
He's not going to shut me out and shove me away from Him.
It's exactly what I've been searching for, exactly what
I've always wanted.
It's just that it's Him and not anyone else.
My name is Shannon Culpepper,and I am Second.