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I thought you were taking a nap?
Well, I heard you cleaning
You know I can't sleep
when other people are having fun
What's going on?
Remember that guy from
Valentine's Day, Nick?
He's on his way over to pick up
the phone that he left at my office
Oh, not that cool camera phone with
the games we've been using all week?
I think you're gonna like him
He's really intelligent
How do you know?
You met him for, like, five minutes
- His ring is classical music
- Okay, tell you what--
If I don't like him, I'll tap
my ear and then my nose
If I do like him, I'll tap my foot, twice
No, that's ridiculous
I'll work the word "volcano"
into a sentence
Can't stay for lunch
I'm just gonna grab some money
out of your wallet so I can grab
a sandwich and a new sweater later
- What's the big rush?
- Karen's got a Peeping Tom
So she wants me over there right away
I assume to adjust the lighting or--
smear Vaseline on the windows
to make her look lovelier
Never had a Peeping Tom
All I've ever had is
some guy in college yelling
"Pull down the blinds, boy!"
Hi
Look, I'm sorry
I didn't bring you anything
but I just figured maybe
it's best to keep the bar low
Oh, what a coincidence
I was gonna stuff my shirt, and then I
realized I should probably keep the bra low
Like I stuff my bra.
.
Anymore
- This is my friend, Will
- Nice to meet you
- Yes
- Ooh, that's quite a handshake
It's like a volcano
Uh, this is Jack
Hey, Jack
Hi
How does he know my name?
Did I used to date him?
Yes, just for those few months
between "never" and "you're-an-idiot"
Right, right
Well, it's good to see you again
and, uh, I'm sorry things
didn't work out between us
So I guess this is good-bye
So you wanna-- It's--
Okay, I'll just-- Okay
Here's your phone
And I love the classical music ring
Actually, that's the theme from "Jeopardy!"
Which, I believe, is Beethoven
- I'm gonna get back to work
- Okay
- We're still on for Saturday night?
- Definitely
Thank you
That was some kiss
I emptied the dishwasher during it
Oh, my God
What is wrong with me?
- Why do I always do that?
- What, act like a giant ***?
We haven't even gone on a date
and already I'm kissing him like
he just got back from Iraq
Oh, I always do this
I move too fast
Sexually, emotionally-- everything
Well, if you really like this guy,
why don't you try slowing down?
Get to know him
For once, don't think with your ***
You know what?
You're right
And you're gonna help me
You're coming on my date
- No, I'm not
- You're gonna show up at the restaurant
I'll ask you to join us
That way it'll stay casual
and I'll go home with you instead of him
Uh, I also have a date on Saturday night
Okay, why do you lie?
- I do have a date!
- Will, please
I really like Nick, and I don't
wanna screw this up
If I have sex with him,
it'll be on your head
Fine, I'll go
God, that image was so disturbing
I have to go wash my hair
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La bee dah, bee ba dah
Where is my Mint Milano?
I don't know, lady
Maybe you ate it
No! I would remember
You know that I allow myself
one Mint Milano per day
And now, I cannot have
another Mint Milano until tomorrow
And yes, I'm sure that
my doctor would be very happy
if I could go a day without a Mint Milano
But I say a person's got to enjoy life!
I want my Mint Milano!
What are those crumbs on your jacket?
Mint Milano
Maybe I did eat it
Whenever I get together with my friends and
we talk about who works for the craziest ***
I always win
Karen, I am so sorry about
your Peeping Tom
The thought that someone
would degrade you
by viewing you simply as
a piece of meat disgusts me
You hear that?
It disgusts me! Agh!
I know, Jackie
I'm at my wits' end
Oh, look at him!
He's still out there, that sick ***!
Is this what you want?
Huh? Huh?!
Is this what you like?
Oh, he's relentless!
Jackie, help me out of this skirt
Jackie, there he is
Get him!
Hey, ya sick perv ***!
You get off looking at my friend
in her apartment up there? Huh?
It disgusts me!
- No
- You hear that? It disgusts me!
I-I wasn't spying
I'm trying to get a look at
that Golden-cheeked Warbler
I don't know what he just said to me
but I think he wants to hear my butt sing
Dendroica chrysoparia
Extremely rare to find
this bird in the northeast
So you have no interest whatsoever in the
Boobicus Giganticus of my dear friend here?
I was just looking at the beautiful
specimen right outside your window
The male He's so beautiful
He has a black cap, golden cheeks,
and a distinctive stripe through the eye
- What does the female look like?
- Who cares?
Oh, my God!
Do you know what we have here?
The rarest of all gay subspecies:
The Hot Gay Nerd!
Fascinating
I thought that the Hot Gay Nerd could be
found only in the halls of academia
or the bathrooms of the Pentagon
- Honey, you should ask him out
- No, no, no
Can't just ask out a Hot Gay Nerd
The HGN is notoriously skittish
They must be approached
slowly and from the rear
Will a table by the fire
be too warm for you?
Oh, no, no.
This is great
So cold outside, I think
I froze off my third ***
I'm kidding
I don't have a third ***
I just have-- I just have two nipples
I don't even usually say "***"
Or ***.
Like, never
You'll be happy to see neither
of those items are on the menu
I can't believe you laughed
when I fell on the ice
I did not laugh at you falling
I laughed at the 30 foot slide down
the sidewalk that came after
Oh, so you think it's funny to see
a grown woman sliding on her *** down
Lexington Avenue with
a cocktail dress over her head?
Not as funny as if it was a nun
but still pretty funny
And, look, I'm sorry I could not
find your other shoe
I just appreciate you prying this one
out of the sewer grate
Hi.
The fire's toasty
It is perfect for a winter day in New York
Yeah, are you ready to order?
'Cause I'm not really up for chit-chat
I just found out I'm pregnant, and
I have a lot of phone calls to make
A baby? Ooh
Wow, you're so young
It's-- That's a tough road ahead
Do you have baby back ribs?
Mmm, the appetizers look great
I think I'm gonna order three of 'em
- Oh yeah? Instead of an entree?
- What?
- What are you doing?
- Nothing
- You just stole that menu
- No, no, no, it's just that--
In case things work out with us
one day I could give it to you
as a memento from our first date
Aww, that is so sweet
Grace?
Is that--
My God, it is you!
What-- And hey!
Hi, Will
Um, Nick, you remember Will
Sure, sure, the guy I was jealous of
before I knew you were gay
- How's it going?
- Good
- Yeah, things are good
- Things are good
Um It's so weird, 'cause you know
I'm here by myself, right over there
Alone
Oh, well, we won't keep ya
The Golden-cheeked Warbler
puffs out his chest
and prepares to bid farewell
to the setting sun
The Hot Gay Nerd
is unaware of his natural beauty
He hides what appears to be a narrow waist
and broad shoulders under ill-fitting khaki
And a belt that clearly came with the pants
Jackie!
You've been out here for so long
You must be freezing
- Here, I brought ya some soup
- Oh
Karen, this is gin
There's noodles in it
Thanks, Kare, but
keep it down, all right?
The HGN startles very easily
Just admiring him from a distance
Quit stalling.
You've been
observing him long enough
- Go ask him out
- Okay, okay
I just have to approach him delicately and
pick up on any subtle cues
he may give me
Oh, joy!
The male warbler is about to
start his mating ritual
This sublime creature entices his
potential mate first by puffing out his chest
Then he ruffles his feathers
It's his way of flirting
Yes, and then, finally
he produces a high-pitched warble
the beauty of which is unparalleled
- What are you doing?
- Warbling.
You like?
Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't properly
introduced myself.
I'm Jack
- Aaron
- Yes.
So you're a bird watcher
I bet you've seen a cockatoo
Heh-heh
So would you like to have dinner
with me sometime?
- Oh--oh, uh
- Like maybe this Friday?
Friday?
That's just right after Thursday
I-I--gotta sorta--
Oh, Jiminy Cricket!
Karen, he flitted away!
Well, Jackie, he's gay
It's not like you people ever walk away
Excuse me, can you bring me
another mineral water?
I think this one evaporated
Oh, I'm sorry, Sir.
Jackets
are required in the dining room
Yeah.
Do you have an asbestos
one I could borrow?
'Cause I'm about to catch on fire
Don't worry about it.
This is an Yves
Saint Laurent cashmere turtleneck
so I think my attire will be appropriate
You have six brothers and three sisters?
Well, you know, I am Irish Catholic
And my parents never had
a TV in the bedroom, so
Oh! Your poor mother
I cannot imagine that
No TV in the bedroom?
Hi, me again
Can I borrow her for a second?
Yeah, sure.
Uh, do they
have a treadmill over there?
What do you want?
You're interrupting my date
Yeah.
That was the plan!
- Grace, I cancelled a date for this
- Why do you have to lie?
- I'm leaving
- No, no, you can't.
I still need you
- Okay, then let me join you
- No.
I don't need you now
It's going well
But it's not going so well that
I'm in danger of throwing myself at him
But it's going well enough that
I still want to be alone with him
When I'm just at the point
where it might be going too well
when I really want to throw myself at him
which is exactly when I don't want to
throw myself at him
that's when I'm gonna need you
I hate that I completely understood
what you just said
Can't you just wait a few more minutes?
You have the best table in the restaurant
Yes, if you enjoy dining on the sun
Look at me, Grace!
My back is sweating so much
my underwear is like a bucket!
Please, Will
I think I might really like him
Okay
Here's a dry spot
Thank you
I'm timing you.
Five minutes
Oh, great, my watch slipped off!
Lady, there are cookie crumbs
all over in here
What did I tell you? One a day
I didn't, Rosie, I swear
I used 'em to catch a bird
Well, don't expect me to cook it
I'm on my break
Uh, okay
I don't know what you people do
in Costa-Guata-Mexi-Rico
But here in America, we don't eat birds
Yeah, but you drink a lot of Wild Turkey
Karen, I got your message
Your curd's from an uptight cow?
Honey, your nerd's on
his way up right now
Oh, my God
How did you get him to come up here?
- Ta-da!
- Oh, my God!
- You caught the bird!
- Honey, it was easy
I just gave him some Mint Milanos--
And some brandy to wash 'em down
So what do you think is wrong
with your friend over there?
You know what?
I think I'm gonna ask him to join us
You know, before you do
I just wanna do this
And this
What? / And I thought
my hot flashes were bad
Excuse me, Sir
Is everything okay here?
Actually, no
Would it be possible to move to
another table and away from this one
which is apparently
the portal to Satan's lair?
Sir, you're either going to have to
put your clothes back on, or leave
Okay, fine.
I'll get dressed
I'm just about to join my friends
over there any--
Way
Oh, you gotta be kidding me!
Karen!
I can't believe you killed it
How could you give a bird alcohol?
Well, it was a lot harder than you think
At first, I tried to pin it down
with an ashtray and
pry open its beak with
a pair of ice tongs, but
ultimately, I just dunked it
head-first into my glass
All right, well
Clearly nobody's at fault here
There is a Hot Gay Nerd
here to see you
I've never seen one up close before
They're quite spectacular
Oh, my God, it's him!
What do we do?
I have an idea!
Vamp!
***!
No, vamp
Stall him for a little while
I'll be right back
Jack! Karen told me that
you found the warbler
I am so excited!
Which, for me, is dangerous
'cause I was born with my heart
on the outside of my chest
But you know what?
You have made me the happiest man alive
who was never supposed to live past 17
Aaron, I'm supposed to vamp, but--
One, I don't feel comfortable lying to you
and two, I don't have my lipstick or my boa
- You have bad news?
- Oh, no, it's not what you think
- Is it that my bird is dead?
- Oh, it's exactly what you thought
Oh! God! Why?
This is the worst thing that
has ever happened to me
since I saw Big Bird smoking
a cigarette with his head off
Honey, great news
Your bird isn't dead
He's alive
And more beautiful than ever
- Oh, my God.
Let me see
- You won't be disappointed.
Ta-da!
What is this?
It's your bird
Don't you recognize it?
It's got 78,000 feathers
And $100 in iTunes
Karen! Shame on you!
The Hot Gay Nerd cannot be bought
He is a man of science
Good news
I gave the little fella a couple of sips of coffee
a few slaps across the face, and he came to
- He's alive in the kitchen!
- Back off, that's not my bird
This is my bird
You are not the rare Hot Gay Nerd
Why you are the very common
Hot Gay Opportunist
Are you saying you don't
want to go out with me?
Well, you've just shown some
very unattractive qualities
But fortunately, you still retain the one
that I hold nearest to my heart
Hot
Come on
Let's go spend that bird
- How could you leave me like that?
- Will, listen--
No.
You listen
I was doing you a favor
And how was I rewarded?
By being ditched, then
burning off my eyelashes
On the roaring fire next to my table?
Ironically, no
On the small votive candle
in the men's room
while I was wringing out
my pants in the sink!
Look, Will, I know that you're mad
but you really, really did help me tonight
Oh, please!
Don't even try that with m-- How?
You made me realize that I shouldn't need
someone else to help me control myself
After dinner, he dropped me off,
asked me for another date
we had a kiss of appropriate length,
and I came home
- You didn't sleep with him?
- I did not
- Or let him feel you up in the cab?
- Only because he said I was pretty
I'm only kidding
Nothing happened
Well.
I'm proud of you
And it's all because of you
- I'm going to bed
- Me too
- Good night
- Good night
Oh, just one more thing
Hey
It's tough to get a cab out there / Hm
- Say good night to Nick, Grace
- Good night.
Call me
- I had a really good time
- She did too
Don't worry, she'll put out next time
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