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PIPER: I've always loved getting clean.
I love showers.
I love baths.
It's my happy place.
-(DOOR BUZZES) -Was my happy place.
Damn, you got some nice ***. (LAUGHS)
-You got them TV ***. -I'm done.
Now get the *** out the way.
My name is Piper Chapman.
Time to say goodbye.
-I love you so much. -I love you, too!
I carried a suitcase of drug money. Once. Ten years ago.
Did you know about all this?
She failed to mention the lesbian lover
who ran an international drug smuggling ring.
It's all good.
You were a lesbian?
At the time.
PORNSTACHE: Smile.
-I wasn't ready. -Tough ***.
It's just like the Hamptons, only *** horrible.
(SHOUTING)
You will leave in a body bag.
-Boo! -(GASPS)
Just getting started, ***.
Okay, go sit there. She's a nice white lady.
We look out for our own.
Our own?
I'll take good care of you.
-I have a prison wife. -What?
Her name is Crazy Eyes.
Did she *** you?
No, she didn't *** me. But she held my hand.
Chocolate and vanilla swirl.
You look great. Your face is, like, all cheekbone-y.
-They're starving me out. -What?
I have to go to another prison.
Like this is the Radisson and you don't like your room?
PIPER: I have been felt up, stalked, and called Taylor Swift.
So can you please just cut me some slack?
I didn't mean for any of this to happen.
I think I need some time.
What does that mean?
I'm scared that I'm not myself in here, and I'm scared that I am.
"Nobody's gonna hit you harder than life.
"Not a guard, not a gangster, not even your wife."
You're nothing like any of these women.
PIPER: I am no different from anybody else in here. I committed a crime.
Being in here is no one's fault but my own.