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This programme contains some strong All these people are currently
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All these people are currently All these people are currently
living through the most living through the most
This is a subtitle technological era since yesterday.
Today everybody is obsessed with machines.
We spend more
at screens than into the eyes of our loved ones.
Gadgetry is now
considered part of nature itself.
Which is more technologically
advanced? An iPhone or a cat? Definitely a cat.
A ridiculous
answer.
How did we get this messed up? Maybe
things started going wrong when we first surrendered our attention
this flickering medaller.
This week how TV ruined your life simply by
being a part of progress.
Don't it didn't; it did.
Progress.
Where would we be without Progress.
Where would we be without
progress? Well, you wouldn't be sitting there watching this for one
thing, no, you would be standing outside in a smock like a peasant.
Yes, we would all be outside, amusing ourselves by playing the
duck bum aphone.
Not that we would have time.
We would be far too busy
chopping wood or tilling the fields.
Have you ever tried it? It's no fun.
Mankind's hatred of these chores has led it to create all manner of
devices, from the camel wheel to the wooden foot operated bow thing,
are all world-altering technologies.
Once upon a time television was
new technology itself and was inherentlily mistrusted.
It squatted
in the corner of the living room demanding the entire family shut
and stare at it.
As you expect, this dangerous new invention
had a vested interest in making technology was a beautiful thing,
and it quickly set out to show us wondrous visions of the world
tomorrow.
Optimistic programmes like
Tomorrow's World showed a glittering future full of jet-powered whoever
loos, and sleek cars which would let middle-aged men impress
with their accessibility and comfort.
Of course, this was - there were Of course, this was - there were
plenty of robot slaves.
We would become layabouts
become layabouts and even the ostensibly enjoyable stuff was
farmed out to the become ot.
Looks line
Some programmes celebrated man's Some programmes celebrated man's
harnessing of technology.
Scarcely moment went by without audiences
being startled by some entertainingly probing deep space
expedition.
General Smith, order one of your military space
crews to investigate Uranus? Ha ha, he said your an news.
crews to investigate Uranus? he said
crews to investigate Uranus? he said your
crews to investigate Uranus? he said your ***.
he said your ***.
These computer waves are coming from Uranus.
They
are going to keep on saying it.
Al we hobbled towards our giant
leap, TV was keen to tell us more.
Tomorrow's World showed us what the
moon base of tomorrow would like and how it would work.
will be a daily shuttle service where 300 passengers at a time will
reach the city after a five-day journey from Earth.
Liars.
Blue
Peter had wide-eyed items detailing virtually every aspect of space
travel.
Possibly the first man on the moon will be an American and
it's nice to know that we have helped him on his way with our
specially made British cooling suit.
It was clear mankind was going to
have a great time of it, space was going to be all ours, we would own
that ship like an empire.
The itself arrived, billions huddled
around their televisions and thrillingly, while a global audience
of billions watched with bated breath, man set foot on the moon.
What is that? First man on the moon, hey? For a while, space
exploration was groovier than ever, celebrated in shows like UFO which
showed we freaky far out humanoids conquering vandals hurtling towards
the planet.
But away from the televised fiction we kept returning
to the moon in reality.
What did we discover? Well, that space
exploration was a letdown.
For one thing, there wasn't much to
the moon.
We had spent billions sending astronauts there just to
*** around.
# I was on the moon day #
Furthermore, when you looked back at Furthermore, when you looked back at
Earth our planet now looked worryingly fragile.
Having mounted a
lengthy PR campaign in its honour, TV now started to wonder whether
progress was such a good thing after all.
A totally unforeseen
on the lunar surface has caused very serious repercussions here on Earth.
Hence the likes of Space 1999, depressing vision in which the moon
became an industrial waste dump manned by incompetents which sent
the meaningless chalky space.
As the years slid by, things
remained resolutely grim with shows like Blake's 7, a space opera, the
tale of political exiles perpetually on the run.
Space itself was washed
out, where the highlight of your day was finding a war memorial in a
quarry.
Some sort of obelisk, I suppose.
The crew were constantly
being shot at and shaken around like despised step kids, each time the
Liberator hit a pothole.
The entire cast were gunned down in a final
episode so devoid of hope it seemed to have been filmed on a camera made
of dying widow's tears.
During their brief lives they had
continually tortured by technology supposedly assisting
them.
The chief tormentor loved himself almost as much as an iPhone
and he treated the humans with huge condescension.
I want to tap central
spacecraft register, can that? Tap? What is that? Obtain
information from the records.
It's a bit like watching people struggle
with Windows Vista.
Receive emergency programme.
Confirm when
ready.
Confirm readiness.
Come on, come on! Sometimes it was like
watching Jeremy Paxman quizzing Michael Howard on Newsnight forever.
That information is not immediately available.
Can you get? It has no
bearing on the problem.
Can you get it.
Eventually.
How long is
eventually? It will require time and resources far in excess of
value of the information.
Well, it anyway.
I want the reason
that alert.
Very well.
I will in due course.
Jesus, even Apple
Computers aren't this snooty.
It was cold, heartless and
Today it would be judging a talent contest.
# Nothing you can say # ZOG900 # Nothing you can say # ZOG900
performance analysis.
performance analysis.
# Nothing you can Do not question ZOG900.
# Some day, I'll wish upon a star # Some day, I'll wish upon a star
# And wake up where the clouds are far behind me #
Sufficient input.
Analysing.
Processing.
You have failed.
Oh no.
Your performance is inadequate.
You may now vacate the performance zone.
OK, thank you.
You may now the performance zone.
# When you try your best but you # When you try your best but you
Once upon a time computers were so Once upon a time computers were so
# When you complex, merely switching one on
required an army of dweebs acting as if they were operating a nuclear
submarine.
Check temperatures, please, Malcolm.
Up to speed.
Disk
oil and temperature OK.
Is end? OK for standby.
Switch on
standby, Peter.
Standby coming on.
WHIRRING.
OK, HD coming on.
The
computer is ready for use.
By the 1980s, computers had become
so compact and basic it only required one schoolboy
operate them.
This is the computer and we are going to go through a
simple little the computer's capabilities.
Microchips were cheaper and plentiful, prompting a wave of
exciting ads about machines could patrol your home.
Big Track
will advance, turn and blasts.
Man was clearly getting more
comfortable around his machine comfortable around his
helpers, sometimes suspiciously close, as in the silly hi-tech
fantasy Knight Rider in which one man irony empire David Hasselhoff
shared close banter with computer.
Not now, Michael, I have a
headache.
You know, you never acted this way before, pal.
I never
this way.
Perhaps the most relation share prices was between
ghastly concoction with Walter, a geeky backroom cop, who somehow
created Automan who can easily out of the computer world and into
ours.
Although he was obviously created for fun, this could be
view of a closeted fantasist who creates a dashing alter ego.
It
looks to me like Walter massively fancies Ought Dohmann.
He feels
electricity when their hands meet.
Put your hands on top of mine.
he leaps at the chance to get more acquainted.
Come, enter my
dimension.
You are kidding! I am not programmed to kid.
Move into my
form.
Once he fully penetrates Automan he has a sort of breakdown
and become as split personality.
Hey, I'm you? You can never be me:
I'm you.
Then he goes cruising the streets at night, picking up men.
Naughty boy.
Don't hurt me.
I may want to break you in half.
Just
let me bend him a little.
No, we have work to do.
By now real
computers were invited into our homes.
Computers were supposed to be
for important stuff like spreadsheets and numbers, but it
soon became apparent they were being off-roaded into extra curricular
activities which challenged broadcasters for space on the box
itself.
Now you can play the world's most popular arcade game in your own
home.
They were so advanced they offered an entertainment experience
far beyond just gawping at things.
It's so involving you will feel as
though you are actually in movie.
Really?
Before long a whole range entertainment options was available
and tradition TV clearly didn't approve.
There are monster games
like this one where you swallow giant cherries and there's the space
invader theme where you shoot moving fleets of hostile aliens.
Fairly
boring.
Then there are more recent sports games.
Sports games to me are
perhaps the most appalling use of computers.
Ever since, TV has
routinely portrayed video games as another worldly threat which
glorifies violence.
Children being spirited away to habitual
violence.
Perhaps the most preposterous threat was a Channel
drama exposing the horrendous truth concerning Scott who got obsessed
with a bizarre murdering game which with a bizarre murdering game
wasn't feasible then and isn't now.
Scott had to carefully select a
willing victim.
She is Tracey.
And spy on her as she is undressing, all
without leaving evidence.
***.
Footprint.
Computer: your score is
too low to continue.
The impossibly detailed game is also magically
addictive and before long Scott becomes totally obsessed with
plotting his cyber killing.
Inevitably, because games are
and wrong, he kills her with a hammer.
Not exactly sonic the Hedge
hog, is it? Computer: you have killed victim and gained access to
stage 3.
stage 3 3 at the same time an even
bigger threat was growing popularity.
The internet.
We now have a World The internet.
We now have a World
Wide Web page on the internet so you can access the information
if you can get onto the World Wide Web.
If you can, this is our
Soon, even though some of us Soon, even though some of us
couldn't even use a mouse we were coming to rely on computers
too much for TV's liking.
Experts warn it may already be too late to
prevent millions of computer systems breaking down at the turn of the
century.
some people who will not survive
coming of the year 2000, simply because they fail to take action
now.
With the millennium looming clearly mankind hadn't heeded
warnings about the danger of machines and now this was about
kill us all.
Planes would plop from the heavens and the continent
be nuked.
TV brought out presenters to look on in horror live as
computers destroyed our world.
the event the only thing that seemed
really affected was Peter Snow's autocue.
So far, it has cost us
about ã250 billion to take on bug.
And that's the way it has been.
MP mmm.
MP
bug.
And that's the way it has been.
Ahem.
ã250 billion, it has cost us.
Soon it became apparent that computers weren't going to
annihilate us after all and TV had to reassess its relationship with
technology.
If it couldn't beat it would have to absorb it.
What TV
needed was to become more like a computer, a machine which did what
you wanted, a machine that was interactive.
Interactive TV is
nothing new.
Witness the thrilling the Golden Shot essentially an early
version of the game Doom in which member of the public controlled
crossbow attached to the studio camera to shoot at prizes.
Up, up,
stop.
Right.
Stop.
Up, stop.
Fire.
This was massively ahead of its time
although, if contemporary society degrades by another 12% someone will
pitch an extreme version where viewers fire sharpened toothbrushes
into the eyes of paedophiles.
Anyway, best keep it light.
I was
about to bring up Noel Edmonds, an under-rated technological innovator.
In fact, he seems to have done everything currently popular on the
internet on TV years before its time.
He kicked off with Swap Shop
which was pretty much eBay with more toys and fewer pirate DVDs.
It was
effectively an early peer to peer file sharing network.
Can we have
the top 10 records in? Here he is downloading music, albeit from
studio ceiling.
He was there providing links.
What was your
favourite song? Gordon Bennett.
Then there were some of the earliest
mobile phone conversations on TV and an interactive take on
Google's Streetview.
Can you see that? At any point along
could shout stop or tell it to go to the left or right.
When House Party
came along he introduced his own live version of Skype.
Let's meet
this week's star of MTV.
Hello! Hello, Andy.
Hello, Noel.
How
you? I'm all right, mate.
I can't no! But as soon as Noel was shunted
off the Saturday night schedule TV lost its technological mojo for a
while.
For instance, the popularity of mobile phone texts led
to an entire TV Saturday evening dedicated to the SMS
messaging system, Joy of Text Live which already looks entirely dated.
It was a whole evening of text fun, live text studio guest texting and
live text speed texting.
Lucy is on her second word and Rebecca is on
her third word.
Yeah, Saturday night, woo! Meanwhile, there was
reality show watching humans walking around inside a little house and
used your phone to proclaim which of them you found least objectionable.
This began an entire genre of popularity contests which continues
to this day.
We were encouraged to decide which contestants stay
flick of a thumb.
It's actually less interactive than the
interactive than the Golden Shot because there are a million hands
steering the ship.
People feel they can control world events by texting
in, no matter how many times you vote, you can't take this off the
news.
These days you have to turn to high class *** entertainment in
which gentlemen discuss the details of the day with women that has been
around for ages.
There is then the Pennant's channel.
You know.
Ryan Daniels seen leaving court today is the first
teenager in Britain to be sentenced to 24 hours' televised humiliation.
He spent months terrorising residents on this estate.
On one
incident he leapt onto 78-year-old Ivy's back and forced him to ride
him 17 miles to a burger outlet.
I was driving along and this young man
rode me like a horse all the way this burger drive-through.
He
ordered all kinds of things and rode me round the back and didn't
even give me any onion rings.
No one should have to go through that kind
of thing, even if born with wheels, like that nice
Herbie in that film about a boy who looked like a car and was a car.
Today a judge sentenced Daniels to appear on the Home Office's visible
punishment TV channel for 24 He will have to obey instructions
while on air tweeted and texted by viewers, no matter how
humiliating.
It is currently broadcast on cable
with plans to extend to Freeview later this year.
Ivy is already
among those watching.
Politicians hope this is a step forward.
It's
important not just that justice is done but seen to be done and if it
can be seen to be done entertainingly with its own theme
music, then so much the better.
It's proving popular with viewers.
In his first eight hours on air Daniels had to carry out several
suggestions before being hospitalised for paint inhalation.
Today, TV also mimics the unreal Today, TV also mimics the unreal
visuals of video games.
The line is blurred between fact and fantasy.
Insanely visual, we are surrounded by everyday miracles and life as a
whole is starting to feel like technological dream.
We take
everything for granted now.
When first encountered wi-fi it was like
magic.
Now you will moan like an oppressed dissident if you can't get
a 20 Meg download speed a 20 Meg download speed on your
novelty BLEEP teaspoon.
that? Little wonder we now blithely
assume everything is possible.
Every day a new stunning breakthrough.
Yes, hollow graphic television? Yes, don't know what that is, but it
figures.
The audience just swallows it.
CSI is set in the present day
but demonstrates space in the year 3,000 yet no one thinks it's sci-fi.
OK, we should work backwards and take the most recent phone
first.
It's no surprise you can show real people something as
impossible as the time phone, a handset which lets you make calls
through time, and they will simply believe you.
It allows you to call
yourself in the past so you can remind yourself about keys or just
have a conversation with yourself.
What do you think about that? I
like that, that's pretty good, so can call myself back in time and
have a conversation with myself? See, I like that.
Technology is
amazing and everywhere.
It's impossible not to gawp at it.
It's
like invasion of the gleaming rectangles.
We are hopelessly drawn
to the light, never mine apes, we must be descended from moths.
All
these screens have knackered our attention Spain.
Who can spare the
mind space to concentrate on a book anymore? Hardly bloody anyone.
Just
Today, no one's got time anymore to Today, no one's got time anymore to
read an entire novel and as a result sales have collapsed.
For instance,
in the whole of Italy in 2009 two books were sold, and one of
those comprised of nothing more than photographs of pineapples with
moustaches.
The way people read has changed.
That's why we have come up
with bookdrum.
Bookdrum is a system which takes great works of popular
fiction and then re-interprets them in a form which today's hurried
audience can understand.
So here we have To Kill A Mockingbird.
There
are key things, Atticus Finch there, some of these words represent
themes.
Racism there.
And this is the bookdrum player.
Now, what we do
is we slot the bookdrum tape, as it were, into the bookdrum player,
so.
Then you put the bookdrum player on your head.
Switch it on.
And as you can see, Switch it on.
And as you can see,
it's revolving in front of her eyes.
Sarah is now absorbing the essence
of To Kill A Mockingbird in a fraction of the time that it would
have taken to read.
How is it going in there, Sarah? Pretty good.
Maybe the problem isn't progress, Maybe the problem isn't progress,
maybe the problem is us.
We seem to have a knack for reducing the most
incredible inventions to their basest level almost overnight.
Take
radio.
We created radio, and nation spoke unto nation.
German radio just
announced that Hitler is dead.
a bit, and then breakfast shows.
Then it went up my bum.
Right your bum? Yes, right up my bum.
My
bum's where it went, right, and it went right up there.
Wow.
Anyway,
here is Rhiannon with Umbrella.
Bumbrella more like.
We managed to
drag it from I Claudius to the drag it from I Claudius to the
Jeremy Kyle show.
With a you could browse through the
contents of the most incredible art galleries in the world all in the
palm of your hand or you could download a novelty act that makes it
emit the sound of a farting duck.
In summary, it was claimed progress
would let us relax in front of screens but now the future has
arrived and those screens relax in front of us while we jest about like
jesters for their approval.
They have left us surrounded by magic,