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[♪♪♪♪]
-FROM BEAUTIFUL VICTORIA, BRITISH COLUMBIA,
SHE KILLS ME!
WITH STAND-UP COMEDY FROM SANDRA BONNER-PEDERSON
AND HEATHER WITHERDEN.
RECORDED BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
[APPLAUSE]
-NOW PLEASE WELCOME YOUR HOST, EDEN ROBINSON!
[APPLAUSE]
-[GREETS AUDIENCE IN LANGUAGES]
WELCOME TO SHE KILLS ME
ON ABORIGINAL PEOPLE'S TELEVISION NETWORK.
I'M YOUR HOST, EDEN ROBINSON,
AND WE'RE FEATURING FABULOUS, FIERCE, FUNNY FEMALES.
REMEMBER, LAUGHTER IS GOOD MEDICINE.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
SHE BEGAN DABBLING IN STAND-UP COMEDY A DECADE AGO,
AND ALTHOUGH SHE FINDS IT
LESS LUCRATIVE THAN BROADCAST TELEVISION,
HAS CONTINUED PERFORMING
AND NOW TAKES HER COMEDY AS A SECOND CAREER.
SHE IS VERY PROUD
OF HAVING PRODUCED THE SERIES "BEAR TRACKS,"
WHICH HIGHLIGHTED STORIES, TRADITIONS,
AND CULTURAL ARTWORK OF THE STO:LO PEOPLE.
PLEASE WELCOME SANDRA BONNER-PEDERSON.
[APPLAUSE]
-HELLO.
HI, I'M SANDRA BONNER-PEDERSON...
[CHEERING]
AND I AM THE OWNER OF A COMPANY
CALLED BEAR IMAGE PRODUCTIONS,
AND NO, PEOPLE, THAT'S NOT A *** SITE.
IT'S BEAR AS IN GRR, NOT BARE AS IN NAKED.
BUT ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING?
I WAS THINKING, MAYBE WHEN PEOPLE COME AND VISIT MY SITE,
I SHOULD HAVE A BEAR STANDING THERE
WITH THESE MUCHO GRANDE CHICHIS FOR THE BOYS,
AND A NICE LITTLE PACKAGE FOR THE GIRLS. HUH?
YEAH, WE CHECK OUT THE JUNK,
JUST LIKE THEY CHECK OUT OUR MUCHO GRANDE CHICHIS, HUH?
BUT A MESSAGE TO YOU MALE STRIPPERS OUT THERE.
DON'T BE UNWRAPPING THAT PACKAGE, OKAY?
LIKE, SERIOUSLY.
WHOOP, YOU PULL THAT THING OFF...
THAT IS NOT A TURN-ON, OKAY?
[LAUGHS]
AND GUYS, WHAT DO YOU FIND SO INTERESTING
ABOUT THESE GREAT BIG THINGS HANGING HERE?
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY.
I MEAN, GRANTED, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU GUYS *** THEM,
WE GET A BIT OF THRILL,
BUT SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO YOU GUYS GET OUT OF IT?
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE TWO GREAT BIG WATER BALLOONS, YOU KNOW?
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
BUT, UH...
AND THEN THERE'S SOME WOMEN... THEY WILL, YOU KNOW, GO AND GET
THESE DOUBLE NS OR FS OR WHATEVER.
I MEAN, HUGE. MUCHO HUGE.
I MEAN, THEY COULD KILL THEMSELVES.
[LAUGHS]
I MEAN, HELL, THEY COULD KILL SOMEBODY.
BOOM, BOOM.
YEAH.
I MEAN, AND SERIOUSLY,
IF YOU GET THOSE IMPLANTS PUT IN,
THEY'RE DANGEROUS, RIGHT?
SO DON'T IMPLANT THEM.
'CAUSE I WAS THINKING TO MYSELF.
I SAYS, "SELF," I SAYS,
"WHY NOT JUST BUY THE IMPLANT, RIGHT?
WRAP THEM UP, GIVE THEM TO YOUR BOYFRIEND,
YOUR HUSBAND AS A GIFT?"
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
THEY'LL OPEN IT UP AND IT'S LIKE,
"OH, LOOK! MY OWN SILICONE IMPLANT ***.
YAY.
I CAN PLAY WITH THEM WHENEVER I WANT TO."
AND THEN WHAT YOU COULD DO
IS YOU PUT SOME VELCRO STRIPS ON THEM, RIGHT,
YOU STICK THEM ON, RIGHT,
AND THEN WHEN IT'S TIME, YOU'RE BORED,
YOU JUST THROW THEM ACROSS THE ROOM,
AND THEY WILL CHASE THEM LIKE A DOG, GUARANTEED.
OH, YEAH.
[LAUGHTER]
FRICKIN' MEN, EH? FRICKIN'. FRICKIN'.
THERE'S A WORD, FRICKIN', RIGHT?
WE CAN SAY "FRICKIN'." WE CAN SAY "SHOOT."
YOU KNOW, THEY ARE DERIVATIVES OF A SWEAR,
BUT WE CAN SAY THEM.
I MEAN, WHERE THE HELL DID SWEAR WORDS COME FROM, ANYWAYS?
WHO MADE THEM UP, RIGHT?
DOES GOD HAVE A FILING CABINET IN THE SKY, RIGHT?
SLAMS HIS... "OH, ***."
BROWN, COILY STUFF, COMES OUT YOUR ***.
DON'T SAY THAT. BAD WORD, BAD WORD.
BUT YOU CAN SAY SHOOT. GO AHEAD.
SAY THAT IF YOU WANT TO, RIGHT?
ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK I KNOW WHERE SWEAR WORDS CAME FROM.
NEWFOUNDLAND.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
YEAH, SORRY FOR ANY NEWFOUNDLANDERS OUT THERE,
BUT...
YOU KNOW, I HANG OUT WITH A NEWFIE FRIEND,
AND EVERY SECOND WORD THAT COMES OUT OF HER MOUTH
IS A SWEAR WORD, RIGHT?
F-ING THIS, F-ING THAT, ***, ***, DAMN.
SAY IT ALL THE TIME, RIGHT?
AND ACTUALLY, SHE HANGS OUT WITH A GROUP OF US.
MY MOTHER'S IN THAT GROUP.
MY MOTHER'S 84 YEARS OLD. MY MOTHER NEVER SWORE.
SWEARS LIKE A TRUCKER NOW, YOU KNOW,
ALL BECAUSE WE HANG OUT WITH THIS NEWFOUNDLANDER WOMAN.
ACTUALLY, YOU'RE PROBABLY PICTURING MY MOTHER
TO BE THIS FRAIL OLD LADY, 84 YEARS OLD.
NO, NOT MY MOM.
NO, SHE'S GOT A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOUR, THAT WOMAN.
I THINK THAT'S WHERE I GET IT FROM.
YOU KNOW, SHE SAID SHE IS GOING TO LIVE LONG ENOUGH
FOR US TO CHANGE HER POOPY DIAPERS.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] HUH?
SHE ALSO SAYS THAT OLD PEOPLE DEPRESS HER,
AND IF SHE DIES IN HER SLEEP, TAKE HER OUT AND RUN OVER HER,
'CAUSE SHE'S WORTH MORE IN A CAR ACCIDENT, RIGHT?
[APPLAUSE]
OF COURSE, IF I LEFT THAT UP TO MY HUSBAND...
"YOU RAN OVER HER 22 TIMES. HOW DO WE EXPLAIN THAT?"
YOU KNOW.
YEAH, SON-IN-LAWS.
NO, ACTUALLY, MY MOTHER IS VERY HAPPY TO WEAR DEPENDS,
BECAUSE WHEN SHE GOES INTO THE CASINO,
SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO GET UP FROM HER MACHINE, RIGHT?
AND IN THE STATES, YOU CAN STILL SMOKE, RIGHT?
WELL, MY MOTHER HATES SMOKERS.
OH, YEAH.
THEY SIT DOWN, THEY LIGHT UP BESIDE HER, OOH.
SHE'LL BE LIGHTING UP SOMETHING FOR YOU, ALL RIGHT.
"I GOT A TREAT FOR YOU."
"THE HELL?"
"YEAH, YOU MOVE AWAY WITH THAT CIGARETTE."
NO.
MY MOTHER, SHE GAVE BIRTH TO EIGHT CHILDREN,
SEVEN BOYS AND MYSELF...
WELL, AFTER MY SEX CHANGE.
MOM REALLY WANTED A GIRL.
NO, I'M JUST KIDDING. I AM A GIRL.
THERE'S NO ADAM'S APPLE THERE.
THESE ARE REAL.
BUT, NO...
I GREW UP WITH, YOU KNOW, EIGHT BOYS IN THE SAME HOUSE.
WE HAD ONE TOILET.
AND YOU ARE TELLING ME
THAT MY BROTHERS WASHED THEIR HANDS
EVERY TIME THEY LEFT THAT BATHROOM?
PFF, RIGHT.
[LAUGHS]
SO GERMS DON'T SCARE ME. I HAVE A BIG IMMUNITY TO GERMS.
RIGHT?
I CAN GO INTO A PUBLIC BATHROOM,
I SWEAR, I OPEN UP THAT DOOR, THEY DROP DEAD.
I DON'T NEED A PAPER TOWEL. RIGHT?
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT THEY GO IN THERE,
THEY HAVE TO FLUSH THE TOILET,
WELL, THEY DON'T WANT TO USE THEIR HANDS,
SO THEY GOT THEIR HEELS,
AND THEY'RE TRYING TO FLUSH THE TOILET AND STUFF, RIGHT,
AND WATER COMES SPLASHING OUT, THEY HIT THE WALL.
IT'S LIKE, NOT ME.
BRING IT ON!
BRING IT ON. COME ON, I CAN TAKE IT.
SUPER GERM FREE, THANKS TO MY BROTHERS.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT YOU KNOW, THERE WAS ONE THING
THAT I WAS ALWAYS JEALOUS OF...
THAT THEY COULD PEE ANYWHERE.
'CAUSE THEY CAN JUST STAND AND PEE, RIGHT?
WHEREAS WITH US WOMEN, HEY?
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID,
MY MOTHER USED TO HAVE TO MAKE THIS LITTLE CHAIR FOR ME
THAT I WOULD SIT IN.
YEAH, SHE STOPPED DOING THAT
WHEN I WAS GOING TO THE BUSH PARTIES.
I SAID, "YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO COME, MOM?"
NO, BUT, YOU KNOW, YOU GO TO THESE BUSH PARTIES, RIGHT,
AND YOU GO TO FIND SOMEWHERE
WAY OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, RIGHT,
BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT PEOPLE
TO SEE YOUR FULL MOON OVER MY HAMMY, RIGHT.
OOH.
SO YOU GOTTA PULL IT DOWN, YOU KNOW.
YOU WANT TO FIND SOMETHING
WITH A BIT OF A CANTED ANGLE, RIGHT,
SO YOU'RE JUST SQUATTING THERE, AND, YOU KNOW,
YOU END UP PEEING ALL OVER YOUR STUFF.
YOU KNOW,
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE SPLATTERED AND EVERYTHING.
YOU'RE STICKY, AND, OF COURSE, YOU DON'T BRING TP, RIGHT?
I MEAN, WHO'S THOUGHT OF THAT, RIGHT?
SO ANYWAYS, YOU'RE STUCK FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.
WHEREAS WITH GUYS, RIGHT, IT'S AS EASY AS THIS, ISN'T IT?
IT'S LIKE...
"HERE, HANG ONTO THAT A SECOND.
ANYWAYS, YOU WERE SAYING?"
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. [APPLAUSE]
-IT'S VERY NICE, LIKE A DAY IN PROVENCE.
-ALL THE WAY FROM CANADA'S BIGGEST URBAN REZ,
ALSO KNOWN AS THE NORTH END OF WINNIPEG,
HERE'S EVERYONE'S FAVOURITE WISECRACKING MOM,
HEATHER WITHERDEN.
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
-HELLO, GUYS. HOW ARE YOU?
SO THIS IS PRETTY EXCITING, OBVIOUSLY.
KIND OF A BIG NIGHT FOR ME.
LAST NIGHT, I WAS A SIZE FOUR.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH, YEAH.
SO...
I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON TRYING TO LOSE SOME WEIGHT,
AND THEY SAY IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE SOME WEIGHT-LOSS GOALS
THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE NUMBER ON THE SCALE,
AND I THINK THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, SO I HAVE ONE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR IT?
[APPLAUSE]
GOOD.
SO MY GOAL IS TO ONE DAY...
WALK SILENTLY IN CORDUROY PANTS.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
GOD WILLING. GOD WILLING, IT WILL HAPPEN.
THEY ALSO SAY KEEP IN MIND
MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO LOOK LIKE A CELEBRITY.
YOU KNOW WHO I REALLY LIKE?
I LOVE QUEEN LATIFAH.
[LAUGHTER]
I DO. I THINK SHE'S FABULOUS. YEAH.
SO IF, UH, YOU KW,W, IF I WANT TO BE LIKE QUEEN LATIFAH,
I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING THAT QUEEN LATIFAH DOES,
SO I'M DOING IT.
I'M EATING RIGHT. I'M EXERCISING.
I'M MAKING SOME *** MOVIES.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH, SO FAR, SO GOOD.
-YOU LOOK GREAT! -THANK YOU!
I ALSO THINK MAYBE, YOU KNOW, MAYBE I COULD DO ANOTHER PLAN,
LIKE, MAYBE THE J-LO PLAN NEXT TIME
'CAUSE IT SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD TOO.
YOU KNOW, EAT RIGHT, EXERCISE,
AND SLEEP WITH YOUR BACKUP DANCERS.
SO YEAH.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD TIME.
MAYBE A LITTLE MEDITERRANEAN DIET,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
A LITTLE HIGH PROTEIN.
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH, THAT J-LO. SHE DOES IT, DOESN'T SHE?
ALSO MAYBE, YOU KNOW, KICK UP THE EXERCISE A NOTCH, PERHAPS.
SO I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING,
SO I SIGNED UP FOR ADVANCED SPINNING.
PROBABLY NOT A GOOD IDEA,
'CAUSE WHEN I TURNED UP INTO CLASS,
I FOUND OUT IT WAS BASICALLY THE TOUR DE FRANCE
ON AN EXERCISE BIKE.
[LAUGHTER]
NOT SO GOOD.
I MEAN, THE WORKOUT, YES, IT WAS HARD.
JUST REALLY DIDN'T LIKE THE NEEDLES.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
VERY DIFFICULT.
MY SKIN IS TOO NICE FOR THAT.
SO INSTEAD I SIGNED UP FOR BEGINNER SPINNING.
WAY BETTER. EVEN THE BIKES ARE DIFFERENT.
LIKE, WE HAVE BASKETS.
[LAUGHTER]
FOR OUR BAGUETTE AND OUR WINE, YOU KNOW.
IT'S VERY NICE. IT'S LIKE A DAY IN PROVENCE.
SO I ALSO TRIED ZUMBA.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS HEARD OF ZUMBA.
ZUMBA IS BASICALLY LIKE LATIN AEROBICS, RIGHT?
UM...
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY TO PAY TO LISTEN TO THAT MUCH PITBULL.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT ZUMBA, TURNS OUT THE...
ZUMBA IS THE SPANISH WORD FOR "MENOPAUSE."
[APPLAUSE]
ZUMBA IS ALSO THE SPANISH WORD FOR "MY HUSBAND DOESN'T DANCE."
[LAUGHTER]
SO MY HUSBAND STOPPED DANCING.
WE ACTUALLY MET ON A DANCE FLOOR,
BUT NOW HE'S KIND OF GIVEN UP DANCING,
WHICH IS A LITTLE BIT SAD, BECAUSE I STILL LOVE DANCING,
SO IF I WANT TO GO DANCING,
I DO WHAT EVERY OTHER WOMN DOES.
I GO WITH ANOTHER MARRIED WOMAN, RIGHT?
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH. THAT'S JUST WHAT YOU DO.
AND I MEAN, TWO MARRIED WOMEN GOING DANCG G TOGETHER,
THAT'S NOT GAY.
IT LOOKS GAY...
BECAUSE WE'RE WEARING FLAT SHOES AND MEN DON'T TALK TO US,
BUT...
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
YEAH.
SO MY HUSBAND WAS TRYING TO GET ONBOARD,
TRYING TO BE SUPPORTIVE
OF THIS WHOLE WEIGHT-LOSS PROGRAM, AND..
EXCEPT HE SAID, "I WONDER WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK LIKE
WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO 120 POUNDS."
-OOH...
-120? [LAUGHS]
YOU'RE ADORABLE.
120.
I WILL SHOW YOU EXACTLY RIGHT NOW
WHAT W WILL LOOK LIKE AT 120 POUNDS.
I WILL SHOW YOU.
I'M GOING TO LOOK LIKE THIS.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
I'M TRYING TO GET TO MY GOAL WEIGHT,
NOT MY DEATH WEIGHT, BUT THANKS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
AND HE JUST COULDN'T STOP.
HE SAID, "WELL, I JUST DON'T WANT YOU
TO GET SKINNY AND LEAVE ME."
I SAID, "I DON'T WANT YOU TOTO GET FAT AND STAY, HONEY."
[LAUGHTER]
I I LOVE Y.. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH."
WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOREVER. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL.
I GOT MARRIED WHEN I WAS 20.
20EARSRSLDLD. 20.
IGIGHTPPPPLAE]E] THANKS
NOT SU YOU S SHOULD CLAP FOFOTHTHAT.
THANKS. THTHHUHUERERITESRE H HE.E.
THTH'RE LIKE,, "YES! MARRY Y EM OFFFFARAR."."
BUT 20 YEARS OLD... I MEAN, I THINK 20-YEAR-OLDS
SHOULD STAY DOING 20-YEAR-OLD THINGS
LIKE, YOU KNOW, STUDYING OR DRINKING
OR GETTING CHLAMYDIA.
[LAUGHTER]
REALLY, IT'S... I WAS WAY TOO SERIOUS,
WAY TOO SERIOUS AS A 20 YEAR OLD,
AND I MEAN, REALLY,
THAT'S TOO EARLY TO GET MARRIED.
BUT I JUST WANTED TO SHOW PEOPLE HOW SERIOUS I WAS,
AND HOW MARRIED I WAS,
AND HOW SEXUALLY UNAVAILABLE I WAS,
SO I DID THE NEXT CLEAR MOVE,
WHICH WAS TO WEAR NORTHERN REFLECTIONS.
[LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW?
[APPLAUSE]
I AM SHUT DOWN.
YOU KNOW, I WAS 20 YEARS OLD,
AND I WAS, LIKE, REALLY HOT.
LIKE, SKINNY HOT.
[SOME APPLAUSE] THANK YOU.
STILL HOT. HOTTER NOW.
YES. [CHEERS, APPLAUSE]
YEAH!
BECAUSE WHEN I WAS 20, I PUT THAT BODY
INTO PLEATED PANTS AND A FLEECE VEST.
A VEST.
WITH A GOOSE ON IT.
AND THE GOOSE WAS WEARING A LOVELY LITTLE PINK SCARF.
IN FACT, THAT GOOSE HAD MORE STYLE THAN I DID.
SAD... SAD TIMES.
BUT IT WAS PROBABLY A GOOD IDA THAT I GOT MARRIED AT THAT TIME,
BECAUSE THEY SAY THAT A WOMAN IN HER 40S
ONLY HAS A 40% CHANCE OF FINDING A HUSBAND, ACTUALLY.
YEAH.
I MEAN, THOSE ARE NOT REALLY BAD ODDS,
BECAUSE THAT REALLY STILL MEANS
THAT SHE HAS A 60% CHANCE OF FINDING HAPPINESS,
SO...
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
SO I WAS A STAY-AT-HOME MOM FOR QUITE A LONG TIME.
POSSIBLY TOO LONG.
[CHUCKLES]
BUT WHEN I TOLD PEOPLE I WAS A STAY-AT-HOME MOM,
I SOMETIMES FOUND
THAT I DIDN'T NECESSARILY GET THE RESPECT
THAT I THOUGHT IT DESERVED,
AND I MEAN, I THINK STAY-AT-HOME MOMS WORK REALLY HARD,
AND I MEAN, FOR ME, I HAD A HUSBAND,
THREE MALE CHILDREN,
A SET OF TWINS...
YEAH, THAT'S A LOT OF WORK.
YEAH... [APPLAUSE]
YEAH, BUT SO I STOPPED TELLING PEOPLE
THAT I WAS A STAY-AT-HOME MOM
AND STARTED TELLING THEM THAT I WORK WITH THE NEEDY.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
MUCH... MUCH BETTER REACTION, FOR SURE. FOR SURE.
AND TIME HAS GONE BY SUPER QUICK SINCE I HAD KIDS
BECAUSE, I MEAN, I WAS 27, HAD A BABY.
THE NEXT DAY, I WOKE UP,
I WAS 40, AND IT WAS GARBAGE DAY TOO.
[LAUGHTER]
COME ON. SCHOOL DAY SIX.
WHY IS MY RADIO ON TOP OF MY FRIDGE?
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? THIS IS VERY CREEPY.
SO MY SON'S A TEENAGER, MY OLDEST ONE,
AND IT'S A LITTLE BIT FRIGHTENING TO HAVE A TEENAGER,
MOSTLY BECAUSE, I DON'T KNOW,
I GUESS I WORRIED
THAT WE WOULDN'T HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON ANYMORE.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY,
WHAT DO A 17-YEAR-OLD BOY AND A 44-YEAR-OLD WOMAN
HAVE IN COMMON?
BUT WE HAVE LOTS. LOTS.
I MEAN, FIRST OF ALL,
WE'RE BOTH BEING RAVAGED BY HORMONES.
JUST, LIKE, HORRIBLY.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] REALLY BAD.
AND, I MEAN, HE HAS LOUD FRIENDS,
I HAVE LOUD FRIENDS.
BUT THE REALLY SWEET THING IS THAT WE'RE BOTH...
WE'RE BOTH SO ANTICIPATING
OUR FIRST *** EXPERIENE WITH A WOMAN.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
I'M SOMEWHERE BETWEEN, LIKE, MALL WALKING...
AND *** SEX.
Here's to what's real.
Like bending the rules to brighten someone's day.
KFC's new Real Deals are here.
Eight pieces of Original Recipe chicken and fries
fo
Here's to a real deal.
KFC.
What would you do if your ticket won?
I'd stay in the world's nicest hotels...
and random ones, just to keep things interesting.
-AND NOW I'VE JUST TOLD YOU MY AGE,
WHICH I'VE ACTUALLY STOPPED DOING.
I'VE STOPPED TELLING PEOPLE MY AGE,
AND INSTEAD, YOU KNOW,
THESE DAYS I'LL JUST KIND OF GIVE PEOPLE A RANGE, LIKE,
"EH, I'M SOMEWHERE BETWEEN, LIKE, MALL WALKING...
AND *** SEX."
[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T WANT TO DO EITHER OF THOSE THINGS.
I DON'T, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW, RIGHT?
IT'S REALLY PAINFUL. YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT.
LIKE, IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO THAT,
MY ADVICE TO YOU IS, LIKE, YOU GOTTA START SMALL.
[LAUGHTER]
LIKE COSTCO.
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
DON'T GO ALL WEST EDMONTON MALL RIGHT AWAY.
YOU WILL HURT YOURSELF. FOR SURE.
I FIND THAT BEING A MOM MAKES YOU...
IT AFFECTS ALL YOUR DECISIONS, RIGHT?
LIKE, EVEN JUST BUYING A BATHING SUIT.
I HAD TO THINK ABOUT IT BEFORE I WENT OUT,
BECAUSE I THOUGHT, YOU KNOW,
I'VE GOT TEENAGE BOYS COMING AROUND.
BUT I THINK I BOUGHT A BATHING SUIT
THAT'S ACTUALLY POSSIBLY TOO MODEST, RIGHT?
'CAUSE YOU TELL ME.
IT'S A ONE-PIECE, IT'S BLACK,
BUT IT ALSO HAD A FULL-FACE VEIL.
[LAUGHTER]
LIKE... THAT'S A POSSIBLY TOO-MODEST BATHING SUIT.
LOOK INSIDE, THE TAG SAYS,
"WASH BY HAND IN COLD WATER...
INFIDEL!"
WHOA. OKAY, THAT'S INTENSE. INTENSE BATHING SUIT.
BUT SERIOUSLY, THEY ARE NOT KIND,
NOT KIND TO WOMEN
IN THE BATHING SUIT MANUFACTURING WORLD.
I MEAN, THEY'LL TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT BATHING SUIT TO BUY
ACCORDING TO YOUR HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE FLAWS, RIGHT?
LIKE, "IF YOU HAVE LARGE HIPS AND THIGHS,
WEAR THIS SUIT."
EXCEPT FOR ME, AT MY SIZE,
I GO TO LOOK AT THAT HIPS AND THIGHS BATHING SUIT,
AND WHAT DOES IT HAVE ON IT?
A SKIRT... [LAUGHTER]
WITH RUFFLES...
BECAUSE RUFFLES ARE SO UNIVERSALLY SLIMMING.
I MEAN, COME ON!
[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]
GIVE ME A BREAK. HORRIBLE.
BECAUSE I THINK WOMEN SHOULD FEEL GOOD,
AND I THINK YOU CAN LOOK GOOD AT ANY SIZE, REALLY...
YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE THE RIGHT TOOLS, RIGHT?
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE]
USE THAT TOOL BOX.
YOU KNOW, FOR ME, THAT TOOL IS TOTALLY A LEVEL...
[LAUGHTER]
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE NOT LINING THESE UP
BEFORE YOU GO OUT EACH DAY, YOU'RE GONNA...
YOU KNOW, FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS GO OUT
WITH MARTY FELDMAN NIPPLES, THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING.
THAT'S JUST NOT A GOOD LOOK. NOT A GOOD LOOK.
AND IF YOU WANT TO REALLY DETRACT ATTENTION
AWAY FROM HIPS AND THIGHS, LARGER HIPS AND THIGHS,
HOT TIP... GO TOPLESS.
[LAUGHTER]
NO ONE'S LOOKING AT THIS ANYMORE.
[APPLAUSE]
YEAH!
[CHEERING]
FOR SURE.
I MEAN, THEY WILL BE LOOKING AT THESE,
AND THEN WHEN THEY'RE LOOKING AT ME,
THEY'RE LIKE, "WOW...
THOSE ARE PRETTY NICE.
THE LITTLE ONE LOOKS SAD, THOUGH."
THANK YOU SO MUCH. YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN AWESOME.
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
-THAT'S OUR SHOW FOR TONIGHT.
THANKS, APTN, FOR HELPING GIVE WOMEN A VOICE.
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
WE'RE GOING TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.
BIG THANKS TO KIRSTEN VAN RITZEN
FOR CREATING THIS SHOW.
[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]
[♪♪♪]