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Wake up, go to school, come home and go to sleep.
Don't smile, don't laugh and don't show emotion.
Wash, rinse and repeat.
For four years this was the cycle I operated in.
The problem was that I was sick with depression.
I thought my life was worthless, and I was sure they were all laughing at me.
How could they not be?
I remember one time I was smiling at people and they were smiling back.
Then something just clicked.
Their laughter was at me, not with me.
I rushed home as quickly as I could and I just broke down.
This was it.
It was time to end it.
Crazy thoughts ran through my head of how I could end my life.
Suddenly it became real, and then I realized I had to stop what I was doing.
I stumbled to my bed to rest.
I did not want to die.
I could see it was my depression that spawned those thoughts.
Rationally I knew they were rediculous.
I knew then that I needed help.
We talked about ways that I could really commit to beating this thing.
It took a while but I did get better.
I still get depressed sometimes and occasionally thoughts of harming myself come back.
The thing is, I know how to deal with it now.
It seemed hopeless at the time, but I'm really glad I didn't give up.