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Yes, is that the Wogan show?
Yes, I'd like to speak
to somebody in charge, please.
All right, then, get me anybody.
Oh, hello, Terry.
Yeah, Ralph Filthy here, theatrical agent.
Who do I represent? Er
Er, sorry, crossed line there.
Now, listen
Listen, Terry, I'm a big fan.
Yes, yes, love the little looks to camera.
Yeah, very sexy.
Very come hither.
Yeah, very come hither
and screw me to the wall
you whirlwind of sauce, you.
No, I mean it.
Now, Terry, I wouldn't say it
if I didn't mean it, would I?
Yeah.
Now, Terry, I've got this book
and I was hoping to plug it
on your show.
Yeah, well
it's more of a manual really, yeah.
Yeah, yes, it is quite dirty
but it's not tacky.
No.
No way is it tacky.
It's more of a sort of
a social service, really.
Yeah, Going It Alone, I Did It My Way.
It's a sort of single person's
guide to sex, really.
Oh.
Gloria Hunniford.
Oh, stop sighing, Eddie.
I'm not sighing.
Pardon me, but I think you are sighing.
I'm not.
I'm idly collecting phlegm
at the back of my throat
and when I've got enough
I'm going to gob at you.
Wouldn't blame you
if you were sighing, actually.
The hours are not exactly
charging by at the mome.
No work,
nothing to do.
Wonder what Tom O'Connor's up to?
Imposs to say, really.
The man is such a sparkling
multifaceted genius,
one cannot predict what amazing thing
he'll get up to next.
- The interesting thing about Tom
- Well, congratulations, Richie.
I had thought today I had plumbed
the very depths of tedium,
a level of boredom beneath which
I could not sink,
but no - Richie Rich has started
to burble on about Tom O'Connor.
What shall we do, stare at the wall
or chat about Tom O'Connor?
"Well, I've got a bit of a heart condition.
"Staring at the wall
would probably be too exciting.
"Safest if we chat about Tom O'Connor!"
You don't fancy watching
Name That Tune on the vid, then?
Ooh!
Oh, no.
Telly's broken.
Tom O'Connor's probably
playing golf now.
Him and a few of the guys.
Probably just realised I'm not there.
"I thought you'd ask him,
Bob Monkhouse?"
"No, you said you would, Tom.
"
"Oh, bother, the game's ruined,"
Bob Hope will chip in.
- "Bother, bother, bother!"
- Richie, I'm begging you.
No, I'm threatening you.
If you don't shut up I shall ram
your head into the microwave.
All right, all right, all right.
The subject is closed.
I see Brucie Forsyth's
got a new series.
Spot The Catchphrase.
Brucie trots out a series
of meaningless catchphrases
and a celeb panel guess
which will annoy the public most.
Could be very big, Eddie!
Do you think we could possibly avoid
the subject of Brucie Forsyth as well?
In terms of boredom, it's much the same
as talking about
Michael Barrymore, isn't it?
What?! Eddie, your ignorance
really is embarrassing.
They're two completely different
artistic entities.
Their catchphrases, for example.
What's Brucie's?
Come on, what's Brucie's catchphrase.
You know it.
What is it?
"It's gonna be a big night tonight
"if you play your cards right.
Nice to see ya.
"
"Give us a twirl, Anthea.
I'm in charge.
"
Whereas Barrymore's is anything
John Cleese ever said.
With by a couple of rounds of,
"Awright! Awright!"
- Where's the similarity?
- Neither of them are funny.
Take the game shows they present.
On Play Your Cards Right,
there's a whole line of cards
and then you win a prize.
Whereas, on Strike It Lucky, there's
a line of TVs and then you win a prize.
There's no similarity between
the two concepts at all!
When TV execs go to so much troub to
provide us with such varied scheduling,
the least you can do
is give them some credit.
Richie, if you don't shut up,
I'm going to cut your head off,
stuff it in the microwave,
wait until it goes pink,
take it out, mush it up
with milk and butter
and ram it up your backside!
So, SHUT UP!
Very well.
If you wish it, Eddie,
we shall sit in silence.
It could save your life.
Ted Rogers has been thrown off 3-2-1.
- Right.
- Too old, you see.
Too old.
He's 108 if he's a day.
Got caught short in the ad break
and had a widdle in Dusty Bin.
Dreadful business.
The rumour is they want me
to take it over.
Yeah, me.
With Sammy Fox
as the glamorous totty on the side.
Could be a very special team, I think.
Do you wanna touch my body?
Yes, we do!
We want to stick our heads up
your blouse and go
Will you shut up!
Right.
Right, Eddie, that's it.
No, seriously, this is it.
I'm sorry, but when I'm on
This Is Your Life
and you're brought on
as my lifelong companion, guess what?
I'm not gonna recognise you.
That's right! I shall simply
stare blankly and say,
"Who the hell is he?
Get him off my show, he stinks.
"
And all my great showbiz mates
like, like
Marti Caine and Gary Wilmot -
they'll all say,
"Who's the fat, ugly ***
pretending to be Richie's mate?
"Get him out of the studio quickly.
"
You'll be so embarrassed, won't you?
You'll start to cry.
You'll cry! And we'll all laugh.
Eamonn Andrews will punch you
and all my mates will join in.
Clive Dunn, Roy Castle, Pam Ayres -
they'll punch you to death
in front of millions of people
just for being ugly and poor.
Oh
Hello, Richie.
Hello, Eddie.
Er, the front door was closed,
so I picked the lock.
Er, do you mind if I use
your toilet, Richie?
- Of course not, Filthy.
Go ahead.
- Ta.
Right, come on in, my dears.
Yes, this way.
This way, Mr and Mrs Elton.
Yeah, in there, as promised.
One room, bijou maisonette,
running water, fully furnished.
Tr�s bona, ideal for
a young family's first home.
I'm sure you'll be very happy
in your new home.
Filthy!
You said I could use the toilet, Richie.
Be fair, I did ask.
I didn't say you could rent it out!
I've just moved into
the estate agency biz.
Tr�s bona, tr�s mucho mazoola.
But Filthy, what happens
when we want to
- go?
- It's in their rent agreement.
- You have right of passage.
- I am not easily embarrassed
but I think it's going to be difficult
to maintain the social niceties
we British are proud of
with a young family living
in my toilet bowl.
Eddie! 90 quid!
Anyway, they won't mind, this is the '80s.
People have to go where they can.
By the way, watch what you do
with your rubbish,
I've got a couple of students
in your dustbin.
Not married, I'm afraid, but you can't
expect morals from kids these days.
Boys, boys, this is not a day
for long faces and whining.
This is a day of glad tidings, merriment
joy
happiness.
Because, Richie, my dear,
I have found you a job.
Oh, my God!
- Aren't you pleased?
- No.
I remember the last job.
So do I.
Tr�s bona, regular appearances,
extended engagement.
Filthy, you told me to sign on the dole!
You took a 75% commission
on my unemployment benefit.
Yes, never mind all that, Richie, darling.
That's all in the past,
because I have found you
a real, showbiz job.
If this is some kind of joke
It'll be the first one
on the show this week!
Shut up! We've had some super laughs
and the show's only just begun.
Tell me true, have you honestly,
cross your heart and hope to die,
got me a genuine, genuine showbiz job?
Yes.
- How big?
- Enorm.
- Enorm!
- You, Mr Richard Rich
- Yes!
- You old trouper, you.
- Yes!
- You old hell raiser, you.
- Yes!
- You, you
mad, drunken dog of the theatre.
Ruff, ruff, ruff!
You are going to read
the gossip columns
on breakfast TV tomorrow morning.
- Oh, my God, this is it!
- I'm gonna meet Anne Diamond!
- Wincey Willis.
- Gordon Honeycombe!
This is it! Michelangelo got
the Sistine Chapel contract,
Russ Abbot had his Madhouse.
Bernard Matthews couldn't say
"beautiful" properly.
And now I'm gonna read
the gossip columns on breakfast TV!
Just a one-off,
it's only tomorrow morning.
Ha! Wait till you see how brilliant I am.
I'll be reading the weather
before you can say, "Frank Bo "
One small prob.
Bear in mind you have to be at
the studios tomorrow at 4:30
in the morning.
You old josher! Seriously,
what time do I have to be there?
I'm telling you, boys, that's it.
AM.
Shut up, Eddie.
This is my big break.
- 4:30 in the morning?
- That's right.
So, a quiet night in,
get to bed early,
and above all, get up early
to get there on time.
Or you'll become bywords
in the business for unprofessionalism
and never work again.
We've got to get an early night.
Oo-er, sounds a bit ominous.
It doesn't sound
in the slightest bit ominous, Eddie.
Just remember to be there,
tomorrow, 4:30, sober.
- Sober.
- If you need me,
I'll be at the off-licence
until opening time,
then at the pub until closing
time and then at the club.
See you down the studios.
TV-am!
Ah-ah-ah-ah! Sober.
Right, 4:30 in the morning.
What time is it now?
- It's nearly opening time.
- Only 11 hours to go!
Ohhh!
What's on the telly?
It's broken.
We've got to be really sensible.
- Have a quiet evening in.
- And an early night.
Above all, we've got to be
up in time to get to the studio.
Why don't we go out
for just one quiet, little drinkie?
N- o.
You know what would happen then?
- Lager frenzy.
- Lager frenzy.
One thing you can't do after lager frenzy
is get up at 4:30 in the morning.
- We could exercise restraint.
- Yes, and in the real world,
perhaps we couldn't.
- I know what we'll do.
- No!
- Not that.
- It got too messy last time.
No, we'll never do it again.
I swear.
This is great.
I nicked this off
a schoolkid on the bus.
It's a great new game
all the trendsetters are playing.
It's called Trivial Pursuits.
Richie, Trivial Pursuits was fashionable
about five years ago.
Oh, you really are
a sad creature, aren't you?
If you can't think of something first
you run it down.
Let's play.
You have to shake to start.
Five! Oh-ho-ho!
Six.
No, that's on an angle, you see?
You'll have to roll it again.
Six.
You've played this before, haven't you?
It doesn't matter who starts,
I'm still going to thrash you!
- Right, politics.
- Look, Richie
why don't we go out for
just one non-alcoholic drinkie?
- Like what?
- ***.
*** frenzy is even more destructive
than lager frenzy.
The vom's a lot clearer.
Easier to wash out of your sheets.
But you haven't washed yours
since 1978.
And you only popped them
in the lav with a bar of soap
and flushed it a couple of times.
- Are we playing this or not?
- Ask me the question then.
Stop looking.
- I'm not looking.
- Yes, you are looking.
- I'm not.
- You can see the reflection
in my eyeballs cos they're so sparkling.
Sounds like the cue for a gag
about sparkling balls!
Not if you ever want
to work again! Ho ho!
Let's play and stop cheating!
I don't need to cheat to beat you.
Ooh! In that case you wouldn't mind
turning your back
while I read the question.
All right then.
Great.
You seem to be taking
an awfully long time, Richie.
Er, there's one or two
complicated words.
With you in a tick.
Oh, dear.
How very, very sad.
Richie, what have we got above
our mantelpiece?
- Eamonn Andrews
- A mirror.
And what do I see reflected
in that mirror?
Ena Sharples.
Brilliant.
The pathetic sight of the man
who once did the continuity links on TVS
reduced to grubby cheating
to get the better of his half-drunk minder.
This is Thatcher's Britain.
Al Pacino and The Bee Gees.
Ah.
Er
Good, I think all your cards
are in order.
We can start.
I shall simply take the questions
from the other end of the box.
Presuming I can see nothing of interest
in your sparkling balls, oo-er,
perhaps you'd read the question.
Here goes.
The first question
of the game.
Duh-da-da-derrrr!
Here goes
Oh, God, this is easy.
Too easy actually.
I don't think it's fair this is so easy.
- Just ask me the question.
- All right, then.
It's not really fair.
It's too easy.
It really is too easy, isn't it?
It's not fair, really.
You've had all the easy ones
and I've had all the hard ones.
I could have won by now
if I'd had your questions.
I mean, honestly, it's not fair.
You probably know all the answers
because you've played it so often.
If you've never played Trivial Pursuits,
the producer wishes me to assure you
that this is exactly what it's like
and hence a very well-observed gag.
Shut up.
Our audience are very sophis,
they all play Triv.
Richie, in order to play Triv,
you have to be able to read,
which counts our lot out from the start.
Eddie are we going to play
this game or not?
- Ask me the bloody question!
- All right, all right.
- Oh, it's so easy.
- Oh, God.
Here it is.
Who was
the last Labour prime minister
and if you don't get this you're an idiot.
Callaghan.
Mmm
Yeah, can you be a bit more specific?
James Callaghan.
Yeah, well could you give me
a little bit more?
Richie, there is no more.
That is the answer.
We have to go by what it says
on the card, don't we?
- All right, I give up then.
- Great.
My go.
It says on the card, "James Callaghan.
"
It says "James Callaghan" full stop,
doesn't it?
"Callaghan" full stop.
You have to go by what it says
on the card.
It's the rules.
It's not my fault if you're
too stupid to get the answer.
One.
Damn-no, great!
Showbiz, a pink category question!
It's my go! Uhhh!
Who was the star and director
of the Rocky and Rambo films?
Ah, now, I know this.
I know this!
Ohhh
- Ow.
Errr no, don't tell me.
- I'm not going to.
It's coming, it's coming, it's coming
and don't say, "Oo-er.
"
Errrm
What was the question again?
Who was the star and director
of the Rocky and Rambo films?
Got it.
Tarby.
- No.
- It is.
The card must be wrong,
it's definitely Tarby.
- It's not.
It's Sylvester
- Stallone! I knew that one.
- I did know that.
- You didn't say it.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
- It's my go.
- But I knew it all the time.
I knew that one.
It's still my go.
Richie
in about 15 seconds
I'm gonna have to punch you in the face.
And because I'm your minder I'm gonna
have to defend you and beat myself up.
That way we're both gonna get hurt.
Why don't we avoid
all this unpleasantness
and go for one teenie-weenie
only-have-one-y drinkie?
Eddie, we're having
a lovely quiet night in
playing a fantastic game of Triv.
We have to be up early,
we can't go for a dr
All right, Eddie,
I'll let you have your go.
Go on.
Go on!
I'll ask you a question,
I hope I give you a hard one.
- Don't say "oo-er".
- Oo-er.
- Geography.
- Right.
- Oh, God, this is so easy.
- Ah-ah-ah-ah!
All right.
What, then
What is the world's
northernmost capital city?
Reykjavik, comma, Iceland, full stop.
I suppose I'll have to give it you then.
- Why, because it's right?
- Don't gloat!
- It's most unbecoming.
- This is so boring!
Ha ha! Thought you were going
to lose, didn't you?
Had to throw the board across the room.
Ask me a question, any question.
I'll get it right, I bet
you a million pounds.
Go on, any question, it'll be great.
Ask me, ask me, ask me.
Which jolly gap-toothed
Scouser comedian
who now presents Winner Takes All
first rose to fame on Sunday Night
At The London Palladium?
He enjoys the odd round of golf
and his initials are JT.
Now, I know this.
JT?
Erm
Erm, I know it, I do know it.
I know this, I know this, errrm
- Got it.
- Jimmy Tarbuck.
What? Oh, yes, of course - Tarby!
Yes, it's Tarby! I got another one.
- Ask me again!
- This is pathetic!
You've just landed a contract at TV-am,
we should be out celebrating,
not getting bored to death.
We've got to be up early
to be bright and fresh at the studio.
Richie, if we went out
for one little drinkie,
it might help us sleep.
Just one.
I did win the game, didn't I?
Yes, you did.
Very clever, well done.
All right, then.
Just one little drink.
Uh-oh.
Lager frenzy!
Look, paparazzi ***!
Telephoto parasites photing me
on my quiet night out
when I deserve privacy.
Leave my boy Richie alone!
Give me that camera!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Hit him, Eddie, hit him!
You are Sean Penn!
- What did you hit him for?
- Cos I don't hit girls.
- You sexist pig.
- All right, then.
This liberation game's a lark, isn't it?
Let's get drunk.
Oi, you two should
go before I call the police.
I only tolerate this from celebrities.
Richie is reading the gossip
on breakfast TV tomorrow.
- Is this true?
- Of course, small minion,
I am Richie Rich!
If you want a mensh get us some pop.
- Everybody, it's Richie Rich!
- Who?
Richie, have a look at those two
over there, eh? Whur-hur-hur!
Eddie, they're potted plants.
You'd have to be sloshed to fancy them.
- Let's get sloshed, then.
- Here we are, boys.
Thank you, landlady,
here's five pence.
Oh, Richie, what can I say?
Fantastic, I much prefer this club
and it's on the way home.
- So just one drinkie here
- And straight home to bed.
Right.
Of all the clubs we've been to tonight,
this is the best.
And it's still on the way home
if you think about it.
But you have to think
pretty stupidly, Eddie.
- We are in Liverpool now.
- Right.
- Let's think stupidly about it.
- Yeah.
You know, there's an element
missing to this evening
which no true man should be without.
I don't follow you, Eddie.
I wouldn't advise anyone to follow me
as my bottom resembles nothing
less than a wind tunnel.
What is this element
that no true man should be without?
Well, we've had a few drinks,
we're out for a good time
what's your mind turning to?
Of course.
Poppadom frenzy!
Oh, God.
Oh, blimey.
Eddie, loosen my trousers,
would you, old girl?
Why can't you do it?
Because you're the nearest.
Oh, all right, then.
Just down by my tummy.
Anyway, you have to do it
cos I said you had to do it.
And you have to do what I say
cos you're the pathetic nobody
and I'm the great, fantastic person.
That's what your life's
all about, you zero.
Richie, have I ever told you the story
about the tortoise and the hare?
Is it a dirty one?
No, that's the story about
the tortoise and the donkey.
Oh.
Tell me that one, then.
All right, then.
There was once
this really *** tortoise.
- Uhhh!
- Ruhhh!
Seriously into M&S.
Whoarr! M&S?
Marks and Spencer's.
- Whoargh!
- Worked in the lingerie department.
- Ooh-hooo!
- Anyway!
His supervisor, the donk
- Donk?
- Donkey.
Used to think he was
a really conscientious worker
but really the tort was coming in early
to try on all the bras
and try on all the knicks.
I better tell the story about
the tortoise and the hare.
- You haven't got a punch line?
- Yeah, that too.
- Who cares, we've got the cash.
- Yeah!
Well, there was once
this tortoise and this hare
and the tortoise
was really slow and slothful
and called Richie Rich.
Have you got it so far?
Look to the mote in thine own eye
is my answer to this.
Or look to the billions of ***,
eight gallons of lager
and a crinkly old copies
of Mayfair in thine own eye.
We're not talking about me,
we're talking about you
and, of course, the hare.
Who is a real whizz kid go-getter,
wise-cracking gagster
called Bobby Davro!
Me and Davs in a showbiz race,
this is fantastic! Go on!
Well, the hare won totally
cos Davro's got a bit of talent.
And the tort got run over by a bus
cos you're a talentless scumbag
and that's why you'll never have
your own game show!
And that's the way you feel, is it?
Yep!
In which case
it seems rather strange to me,
that they've asked me to go on
breakfast teev in the morning.
That reminds me, what time is it?
- It's 4:15.
- Right.
- When have we got to be there?
- Er
- 4:30.
- Right.
Where are we?
Southampton.
We've just got time for one more drink.
- A double?
- Yeah.
Mr Filthy, there's 10 minutes left.
I'm becoming very worried.
I know, Anne, my love.
I am trying to trace them.
I am considering every possibility.
Hello, Battersea Dogs Home?
Yeah, did you pick up
a couple of large dogs last night?
One in a poncy suit
and the other with a copy
of Health And Efficiency in his pocket?
- No? Right, sod you then.
- We're almost out of time.
The Pink Goddess has had a heart attack
she's been exercising so long.
Look, daughter,
I'll put this as politely as I can.
Shut your face, you silly old cow.
I knew we shouldn't have tried
to save money on has-beens.
Hello, yes? Senior Service Club?
Yes, I can hold.
Hello.
Do me a favour, would you?
Look out the window and see if there's
two revolting offences to humanity
wiggling their backsides and saying,
"We'll do anything for lager.
"
There isn't? Well, sod you then.
Right, well
that's it, Anne, my dear.
I have tried
every conceivable possibility.
However, as I said,
I do happen to have this manual
which I was hoping
I could plug on your show instead.
I've told you before,
TV-am is a family programme
and we do not broadcast ***.
Good morning, Britain!
Here we are, 4:30 in the morning
and *** on time.
Gordon Honeycombe!
Give me my papers and I'll finish the job!
Richie Rich and Eddie Catflap,
what are you doing here?
Honestly, the one time in my life
I want you to let me down and you don't.
I lose all my faith
in human nature, I really do.
But, Filthy, you stressed
You stressed we had to be here on time.
Which I thought was the one way
of guaranteeing you wouldn't be.
I don't know what you're talking about
and I'm too drunk to care.
This is where my success story begins.
From this small beginning a showbiz
empire will be built.
Come on, Eddie!
I hope you're proud of yourself.
Your plan to bring *** to TV-am
has failed.
We remain a good, clean
family programme.
You're really as sweet and innocent
as you look on telly?
Yes, I am.
I'm lovely.
Good morning, if you've just joined us.
Time for a look at the papers with
our guest reviewer, Mr Richard Rich.
What? Oh.
Hello.
That's my little raspberry sound.
- Do the papers.
- Oh, yes, right.
Here's the papers!
- I've done it then.
- Read them.
Oh, yes.
Just my little joke.
Right, hello, viewers.
Here's last night's gossip.
Let's start with John Fake
in the Daily ***.
Always some juicy stuff in there.
Ooh, this looks good.
"Embarrassing incident with bare bottom
"in local eatery.
"Pathetic and forgotten
has-been Richie Rich
"showed just how low he "
Oh, that's me.
"'I thought his helmet was the toilet,'
"claimed the has-been as a policeman "
- Mr Richard Rich.
- Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick.
- Eddie! Eddie!
- What?
- This copper wants a statement.
- Oh.
Right.
"All coppers are ***.
"
How's that?
Just tell me what you did
earlier this evening.
It had something
to do with our trousers.
- Exactly what you did.
- We're still live! We're on air!
We'll sort this out,
you're amongst professionals now.
What exactly did we do last night?
Oh, yeah.
- Shall we show him?
- Yeah, let's show the world!