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Listen, I've got nothing against mobile games. I like mobile games. I like mobile games less
when they're ported to consoles. And believe it or not, yes—that's what we've come to.
Hello Kitty Kruisers is basically the same on the Wii U...as it is in the App Store.
Welcome to 2014.
It's Hello Kitty Kruisers, for the iPa—err, Nintendo Wii U.
So what's the big deal, right? I mean, who cares what platform a game's designed for?
Well, couple things. First, mobile games and console games are two different things. What
makes a good mobile game doesn't always make a good console game. And secondly, even though
mobile platforms are perfectly capable, technically...their games tend to be simpler.
Both in terms of gameplay and design.
So when you take a mobile game, even a great mobile game, and you try to pass it off as
a console game? That's when you run into problems. Different things, different expectations.
Of course, we're presuming this is...a great mobile game.
Frankly, I'm not so sure I'd make that bet.
Hello Kitty Kruisers is a very simple, very basic, very...barren...version of Mario Kart.
It's a racing game for very young kids and very cheap parents. It only costs two dollars
in the App Store. And of course, it costs 20 dollars on the Wii U. Although, to be fair...with
the in-app purchases and everything? Those prices might be closer than they seem.
At least with the Wii U version, you're getting all the tracks, all the content and all the
characters. So it's a complete game, for a single transaction. Remember those days?
Of course, the issue is...the complete game isn't very complete. Hello Kitty Kruisers
has ten racers, which isn't terrible. You get Hello Kitty and some other Sanrio characters.
But where the game gets sparse...is its track selection. I mean, there are four tours, each
with four tracks, so you have 16 tracks in total. Kind of. Thing is, the tracks only
have five settings, which means you're always going back to the same locations, over and
over.
It's really, just...snow, space, village, island, jungle.
To call that 16 tracks is...kind of misleading.
Now, the catch is that...you get to race though each location with different vehicles. You
have your standard go-kart races, but you also have boat races and airplane races. So
it's got some of that Diddy Kong Racing vibe, which is actually kind of cool. At the very
least, you're racing a different vehicle in those locations. It'd be worse if you were
always driving, so.
I guess that's one thing the game actually gets right.
So what doesn't it get right? Holy crap, grab a pen. I mean, the game's kind of a mess.
Hello Kitty Kruisers has some of the worst AI I've ever seen in a racing game. There
were times when I passed people...as they were coming toward me. Yeah, that's right,
they're going the wrong way. And the bad AI isn't the only problem. The hit detection's
even worse.
And when you mix bad AI and bad hit detection? You get this.
Opponents stuck in walls.
And seriously? It happens all the time.
Fortunately, the game plays okay. It's super simple—you just accelerate and steer. You
can launch weapons, a la Mario Kart, by pressing the right trigger. That's all there is to
it, so it's a good game for kids, at least. It's just not good. And it's weird, too. Like,
you have ten racers, right? But there doesn't seem to be any difference between them.
Or at least, none that the game tells you about.
And actually, the same goes for the vehicles. You get to pick from different planes, and
boats, and go-karts. Guess what. They all seem the same, and the game never tells you
differently.
And you know, as a mobile game...this would be a pretty little game. It has a simple art
style, really colorful...only problem is, it's supposed to be a console game. Not to
say it doesn't look nice, because it does...and at the very least, it seems like they upped
the resolution.
But it's, just...it's all so empty. And on a console that has Mario Kart 8?
This just doesn't cut it. This is more like Mario Kart 64.
Hello Kitty Kruisers is an okay little racing game for kids. It supports four players, it's
easy to control...and again, it at least plays well enough. And I don't see kids caring too
much about the mobile-ish design, or the bad music. But as a Wii U game, it's kind of embarrassing.
Yes, there's tilt controls, and there's a little map on the GamePad screen...but no
matter how much Wii U you spill on it, Hello Kitty Kruisers is, like...90 percent mobile
game.
And that's 100 percent disappointing.