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Treasure Island is one of the greatest books ever written. Treasure Planet is one of the
dumbest things ever thought. This is a game based on that dumb thing. Jim Hawkins is not
Marty McFly. Robert Louis Stevenson is not Robert Zemeckis.
At this point, I’m just stating random facts.
That fell apart pretty quickly, which I imagine is what would happen to Robert Louis Stevenson’s
sanity had he lived to see this bullsh*t. He would’ve been committed to a poorly kept
mental institution, he would’ve had a lot of time on his hands, he would’ve written
a psychotic biography with a sci-fi horror twist which, in turn...would’ve been turned
into another bullsh*t video game.
Now, that’s irony. Irony from the future!
It’s Treasure Planet for the PlayStation 2.
This game was released in 2002, which was an extraordinary year. I graduated from high
school, I hooked up with Jenny Martin...we discovered the planet Quaoar...really, 2002
was a turning point for human kind and the universe as a whole. Or it would’ve been.
Treasure Planet really held us back, but you know what they say.
One step forward, this game sucks.
Obviously, Treasure Planet is a 3D platformer based on a movie I am not particularly fond
of. It’s like Treasure Island set in the future, a future where good stories go to
die. You control Jim Hawkins on a painfully awkward platforming quest through painfully
awkward 3D environments and—surprise, surprise—you collect stuff.
Ten green things, a hundred doubloons, seven red crates...I’m so glad this era of faux
platforming is over. Rare did a lot of good things in the 90s, but this collect-a-thon
game design is the stain they left on the underwear of the gaming industry...a linger
reminder that, even when you feast like a king, you will invariably leave behind a dookie.
The controls are adequate, but sadly, that doesn’t mean anything when the rest of the
game is so clunky. The camera is so tight that fluid platforming is just about impossible,
even if the mechanics were good, which they’re not. You run around and collect things, which
is only enjoyable when all your objectives are interesting and the controls...you know
what? Forget it. You get the idea. The game isn’t very good.
These race levels literally gave me a headache. That’s a physical toll, mind you.
Treasure Planet got a lot of bad reviews when it released, and playing it now is even worse.
In fact, it’s almost a deliberately bad parody of all the bad 3D platformers in the
post-Banjo era. It’s like an interactive trip through the worst memories of those games,
and unless you’re a glutton for punishment, that’s a trip worth skipping.