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The * of conduct *
the government principles
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key to establishing and
maintaining trust with
- their employees, clients
- Oh, my God.
Kill me!
Hey! All right, obviously
we're all gonna die.
But we gotta get through
this, so, Gabe
Go ahead.
It's okay.
Is it okay with you?
Because if it's not,
you work for me, so
"Comply with all
applicable laws, regulations,
"policies, and contracts
governing our business.
- "Be honest, fair
- I'm gonna do it.
"And trustworthy in all
your business activities
and relationships"
Oh!
I'm going into labor!
Okay, she's going into labor.
Make way, everybody!
I know it's wrong
to fake going into labor
just to get out of things,
but sometimes it's necessary.
I'm going into labor.
Or should I have corndogs.
I mean--
- I'm going into labor!
Okay, three reasons
you are wrong about true blood.
- Number one--
- I'm going into labor.
Here we go!
Hey, guys, uh,
can't keep saying
you're going into labor.
Everyone knows
you're full of it.
- Yeah.
- It's not fair, you guys.
- Pitiful.
- It's stupid.
Never cry wolf.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Oh.
[Liquid splatters]
Oh! Oh!
Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my God!
Okay.
I'm really in labor!
This is happening.
- Okay, guys.
- Okay.
Here we go.
See you.
- Oh!
- How do you feel?
- Drive carefully!
- Good luck!
- Bye!
- Good-bye! Good luck!
[Silence]
False alarm.
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What?
They took another client
from us?
Okay, bye.
Man!
Business is war!
Customers, clients--
It's like a war out there.
I am a leader.
But you can only inspire people
so much in a place like this.
So today I'm turning
the inspire-factor up to ten,
with a little help
from my friend--
America's bloodiest battle.
Why even read business books?
We should be studying war.
Going to places like Gettysburg.
Where is that?
It's right here in PA.
[Gags, coughs]
Well, we should
take a fieldtrip there.
I mean, that would be so cool.
I wonder if
that bus downstairs is--
Okay, Andy, we get it.
It's a trip to Gettysburg.
That sounds super inspiring.
I'm in!
Gettysburg?
Hmm.
Could be interesting.
Second-most northern battle
in the Civil War.
Actually it is
the northernmost.
Ha!
The Civil War history industry
has conveniently forgotten
about the battle
of Schrute Farms.
[Scoffs]
Whatever.
I'm over it.
It's just
grossly irresponsible.
Charge!
Well, this could be fun.
I--
Yeah, well,
the bus has free wi-fi,
and I made special
low-sugar lunches for everyone.
And is anyone Kosher or Halal?
What's the halal option?
Dates, tabbouleh,
- and a bagel with cream cheese.
- Out.
You know, it's the same
as the Kosher option.
There's a lesson in there.
I mean,
I can't force you to go.
You're not my slaves.
Thanks to Gettysburg.
But
Who's coming with me?
- I'm in.
- I'm in too.
Guess I'm a sucker
for historical fiction.
Anyone who's not going,
you're dead to me.
You're uninvited.
I don't want you to come.
But, FYI, there will be
leftover turkey and pesto
sammies in the fridge.
Yes.
- One for you.
- Cool.
Thanks.
- And one for you.
- Cool.
Thanks.
And-- Oh.
You missed your head.
[Laughs] There you go.
Phyllis, think fast.
All right, guys,
a little foreplay
before we do it.
Fans of Ken Burnjazz
will most certainly enjoy
Civil War.
You know, I just got
Limitless on my iPad.
I bet I could get it on the tv.
Ooh.
Isn't the the one where
the guy becomes Limitless?
It's just not appropri--
I mean, if we were going
to visit Bradley Cooper's
birthplace,
I'd be the first one
suggesting it.
I'd be rooting for it.
All: Limitless! Limitless!
Limitless! Limitless!
All right,
all right, all right.
- [Indistinct]
- Not food and stuff.
Here.
Like it?
Oh, if you buy
the picnic table,
then you've got to get
the fire pit.
I can't get a fire pit.
I have two babies.
The fire pit
is a no-brainer.
- Oh, hi there.
- Plants and-- Hi, Robert.
Hey, um, how are you doing?
Good to see you again.
Where is everyone?
Where is Andy?
Andy took some
of the other people
on a corporate retreat
to Gettysburg.
Well, I was hoping to talk out
some ideas with Andy.
But what we have here
Is perhaps better.
By not going on the trip,
you've shown you're the
free-thinkers of the office.
Robert, you got your sheep
and you got your black sheep,
and I'm not even a sheep.
I'm on the freaking moon.
So, here's what we can do.
Game changers--
Changes to the game
such that the game can never
be played the same way again.
Everyone,
brainstorm some innovations.
Don't be afraid
to get weird with it.
Meredith!
Excited.
Okay.
[Stapler clicks]
You guys.
- J-j-j-ju
- Get excited.
Shh!
Movie's almost over.
All right!
We're here.
Limitless can wait.
Fun fact-- In France,
they call Limitless
"The Man
With Many Capabilities.
"
Whoo-hoo!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the 1800s await you.
We can watch Limitless
on the way back.
I got us Source Code
on the way back.
- Ooh.
- All right.
Whoo!
Wait, where are you going?
Gonna grab a map
for the memorials, right?
Yeah, we're not going
to the visitor center.
We're not tourists.
No, of course
we're not tourists.
We're just people that aren't
from here who are taking a tour.
Yeah, sign says
"begin tour here.
"
Unless you're going on
the very specially-created
and meticulously-researched
Andy Bernard Tour.
After Chancellorsville,
Lee brought his army
up the Shenandoah Valley
right through here!
They stopped in this field
for a picnic,
which they called lunch.
Yeah, but I'm confused.
Total deaths
belongs to Gettysburg,
but when you're talking
about DPA,
- that's deaths per acre
- Mm-hmm.
Nothing beats the battle
of Schrute Farms.
Oh.
DPA sounds way more
important than total deaths.
Oh, it is.
And you should read
some of these letters
that the soldiers wrote home.
I mean, it makes
the battle of Gettysburg
sound like
a bunch of schoolgirls
wrestling over a hairbrush.
I'm telling you,
they're heartbreaking too.
So beautifully written.
Dwight, what are you
telling this girl?
The truth.
Stop filling her head
with nonsense, okay?
She doesn't know any better.
Oscar, I am so glad
you just got here.
I would've believed
everything he said.
No, no, no! You' filling
her head with nonsense.
You and the history books.
I'm telling the truth.
- Interesting.
- Yes, thank you.
All of history
has been whitewashed.
Really? Why don't you tell us
the real history, Gore Vidal.
Okay, I will.
I don't know who that is,
but I'm gonna
to tell you this--
- He's a historian.
- Gettysburg was very important.
Credit where credit is due,
okay?
Big mad props to Gettysburg.
Was it, however,
the most northern battle
of the Civil War?
- Not by a long shot!
- Yes, yes, yes!
- No!
- No!
- No, it was not!
- Oh!
No, it was not!
Was it the second-most northern?
- What?
- Sure!
I will cede it was the
second-most northernmost battle!
Was it the northernmost?
No.
- Get out of here, Oscar.
- Get out of here!
I am so eager to hear
your game-changers.
Let's dig in, shall we?
- May I go first?
- Absolutely.
Raw fish--
The disgusting food from Japan
that Americans
would never want to eat.
Now we can't get enough of it.
From movie stars
to construction workers,
Sushi is what's for dinner.
Let me throw
another idea at you.
Origami.
What?
The crazy art of paper folding
from, that's right, Japan.
Don't you wish
you could go back to 1980
and open the first
Sushi restaurant in Manhattan?
We can do that!
With
Origami.
It's the Sushi of paper.
This idea hasn't gripped me.
What else did you come up with?
Well, I had to memorize
the presentation, Robert,
and it took a long time
to build the swan, so--
That was bad.
If your woman is like mine,
I bet you come home to hear
the same thing all the time.
"This paper is so hard.
It scratches.
Why can't there be a paper
just for me?"
Well, now there is.
"Papyr.
"
Paper for women.
It's pink, scented,
and silky soft.
Now you can watch the game
and she can write
a letter to her sister.
The situation you described,
returning home to a wife
complaining about her paper
being too masculine,
is not one I'm familiar with.
In the African-American
community--
No.
[Murmurs]
Thought it was worth a try.
That's fascinating.
Tell me, what's the significance
of the Peach Orchard, though?
Oh, well,
that's a great question.
Actually, some of the most
Excuse me,
I had a question for you.
- Sure.
- Can you tell us
about the battle
of Schrute Farms?
Uh, I haven't heard
of that one.
Really.
Okay, follow-up question.
How much are they paying you
to keep your mouth shut?
I apologize for my friend,
and for the Republicans
who are cutting your funding.
We don't need to bother
this poor gentleman.
I know exactly where
we're going.
Giddyap!
Tallyho!
Are you Lincoln?
No, no, I'm--
Apparently, I bear a passing
resemblance to Abraham Lincoln.
Makes it kind of hard for me
to go to places like museums,
historical monuments,
elementary schools.
I don't see it.
Chelsea,
give Mr.
Lincoln your hat
- so I can take a picture.
- Okay.
Quick.
Hey! Lincoln's starting.
[Light applause]
Oh, uh, no.
No, no, no, no.
I'm actually with
a tour group myself, so--
[Laughter]
[Laughs]
[Raspy voice]
Hello, I'm Abraham Lincoln.
Some people call me
the Great Emancipator,
but, uh, you might know me
from the penny.
[Laughter]
Okay.
You know the test booklets
that they give out
in all the schools.
I was thinking that we could
put a coupon in the back
that people would mail
in to us,
and as-- You know,
as I tell it, I don't like it.
Unless, of course,
you are responding to it.
- I am not.
- Um, excuse me.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
At this point,
when you're this pregnant,
it's kind of like
senior spring.
The other day I spit my gum
out on the carpet.
Kevin, you've been quiet.
I'm curious to know
what your game-changer is.
Well, you know how
in the vending machine
they have the chocolate chip
cookies in the A1 spot?
They do that 'cause they think
a-1's the best spot
for the best cookie.
But the real best spot is D4.
Right?
That's where the eyes go.
So
Cookies.
Cookie placement.
Yeah.
But not just
the cookies, though.
That was just
a "for instance.
"
Who else agrees with Kevin,
that we're wasting
facilities, manpower,
on our underselling products,
when we should be pushing
our top-performers?
[Laughs]
[Laughs]
There you go.
Consensus.
Okay, we are now on a planet
where Kevin is
the most creative person around,
and I am just
some good-looking guy.
I just don't understand.
It's 1865, victory is ours,
I've saved the very soul
of our nation, and yet
Happiness eludes me.
Oh, perhaps a trip to the
theater will enliven my spirits.
All:
No!
'Kay, so another thing
about oatmeal cookies--
Who even wants them?
I mean, I've seen Toby
eat one, like, once,
but other than that
[Scoffs] Like, forget it.
Interesting.
So what is Dunder Mifflin's
oatmeal cookie?
What is the product
that no one wants?
How about that
two-hole-punch letter?
Only the lawyers
want that punch at the top,
and they use legal.
That's the oatmeal cookie.
Fantastic, Kevin.
Fantastic.
- Thank you.
- [Laughs]
By the way, did we leave
all the food on the bus?
Let's talk about food
for a second.
Food for thought.
Yeah, that's what
I had for breakfast,
and I think that's
probably why I'm still hungry.
Hunger!
Hunger for victory.
Hunger for honor.
Hunger for pride.
Hunger for hamburger.
Hunger for
chicken chimichangas.
- Right, Darryl?
- That's good.
Exactly.
Now do you know
what the Civil War soldiers
were hungry for? Pride!
Now each battalion
had it's own flag,
and they guarded these flags
with their lives.
Colonel Harrison Jeffords
of the Fourth Michigan Infantry
saw his flag
being carried away.
Chased it down
with nothing but a sword.
Fought tooth and nail
at the foot of that flag
until he died.
He wasn't about to let them
have that flag.
Pride.
Right, guys?
I commissioned this flag
for Dunder Mifflin.
- Cost me $200.
- Only $200?
We are all branches
on this tree.
And from the tree comes paper.
We're all part of a business.
But business is war.
[Southern accent]
What's that I hear?
Uh, a rebel paper company
is coming to take our flag!
Wha-- What's going on here?
Whoo-hoo!
Come and get it!
Who's gonna get the flag?
[Normal voice]
Who's getting it? Whoa! Hey! Ho!
Don't look where I am,
look where I'm going.
Juke right, juke left.
Andy, this in inappropriate.
People died here, man.
Get the flag!
Get the flag!
Come on, big tuna.
What you gonna do about it?
We got a flag right here.
Whoo-hoo!
is a mile this way.
Oh, wow.
So that's two miles
if you incorporate
the walk back.
[Grunts]
It's--
I mean, come on.
Ooh, I don't think
I should walk anymore.
You know,
all I had for breakfast
was oatmeal, yoghurt, um,
coffee, orange juice,
and toast.
Two poached eggs,
and then that
half a sandwich on the bus.
I--
All right, fine.
You know what?
I guess this place just
hasn't rubbed off on you
the way that I hoped it would.
I'm still going.
And I'm not going
to ask anymore.
I'm not even gonna look back.
I'm just gonna assume
that you're with me.
Said you weren't
gonna look back.
And why is Blackrock
suddenly the paragon
by which all hedge funds
must now be compared?
I don't know.
Right?
I mean, you're an accountant.
Those bogus prospectuses
must drive you insane.
Yes.
I am an accountant.
Dwight, this is one
of the archivists here.
I thought maybe
we can consult him.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Well, anyone employed
by the Gettysburg
industrial complex
is certainly gonna
want to keep quiet
about the battle
of Schrute Farms.
Schrute Farms, did you say?
That is a fascinating little
chapter of the Civil War.
You've heard about it?
Yes! Ha!
Prepare to be refuted.
Go on.
Come on.
There you go.
[Violin plays]
Families
and sweethearts back home
waited desperately
for letters from the front.
"Dearest mother,
"I'm sorry it has been so long
since my last letter.
"It is three months since
I arrived at Schrute Farms,
and I fear I may never
leave this place alive.
"
Melvin Feiffer Garrison.
Hallowed ground.
But the battle at Schrute Farms
was no battle at all.
It was a code used by pacifists
from both north and South
who turned
the Pennsylvania farmhouse
into an artistic community
and a refuge from the war.
You have to understand,
poets, artists, dancers,
these kinds of men
preferred peace to war.
These delicate, lovely men
found a place of refuge
among the Schrutes
at Schrute Farm.
Amidst the macho
brutality of war,
this was a place
where dandies and dreamers
could put on plays,
sing tender ballads,
and dance in the moonlight.
I like to think of Schrute Farm
as, uh, the underground railroad
for the sensitive
and, well, fabulous.
Wow.
This is so much better
than the story you made up.
- I've seen enough.
- You're right.
There should be
a monument to this.
Never trust a cookie
with a woman's name.
Pecan Sandie.
Lorna Doone.
Madeleine.
Oh, they'll just
break your heart.
Kevin, you are--
Robert, I hate to interrupt,
but I would love
to pitch you one last idea.
I call it the Big Mac Idea.
What? No.
Big Mac Idea.
It sounds encouraging.
It's really, really good,
Robert.
Let me explain it.
No, this is not fair.
This is my idea.
He's trying to steal it
because he's jealous of me.
Well, what is the idea?
Every time you buy a Big Mac,
yet set one ingredient aside.
Then, at the end of the week,
you have a free Big Mac.
And you love it even more,
because you made it
with your own hands.
You know what?
Now I remember.
That was your idea.
That is 100% your idea.
[Door closes]
Oh-ho, my.
It was just actually cookies
the whole time.
[Scraping]
Damn it.
Hey.
You guys came.
Where's everyone else?
Back at the bus.
We were locked out.
Phyllis is sitting on the
ground, eating a dirty sandwich.
Yeah, I asked the bus driver
to lock it,
'cause our stuff was in there.
I guess he follows orders.
Yeah, sorry everybody else
didn't come.
I think they're just tired.
With holes in their shoes,
and they have dysentery.
Even without an audience
you're still at it.
What are you talking about?
Our office has a disease,
and it goes by many names--
Sarcasm, snark, wisecracks.
You take things
that people care about,
and you make them feel lame
about it with your jokes.
That's what you did
with this trip.
Andy, this whole idea
of our situation
being just like war,
it's just not true.
We just work
at a paper company,
and you're our regional manager.
And guess what, man?
You don't have
to prove anything.
We like you
as regional manager.
Andy, if you don't believe me,
take a look
at what's on my head.
I'm wearing a very pink hat.
I've been getting
weird looks all day
because I'm pretty sure
"DM does GB"
means something kind of ***.
But guess who's wearing them?
All of us.
Just for you, man.
That's huge.
You don't like the hats?
- They're terrible.
- I hate myself.
They just didn't turn out
how I wanted.
In my head, they were cooler,
but they do look weird.
The world will little note
nor long remember
the fight that Jim and I
had here at Gettysburg.
And that's good,
because I was basically wrong.
I wanted my team
to be, like, this army,
and I was their general,
but I guess it's really
just more like
they're people who work
in an office,
and I'm their manager.
Yeah, that's really probably
a better analogy,
now that I think about it.
Abe and Mary are seated,
watching the show.
[Raspy voice]
Oh, Mary, this is wonderful!
Okay, Mary.
Stop your scolding.
I'll be quiet.
I need her like I need
a hole in the head.
[Laughter]
[Laughs]
Mm.
Oh
***!
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