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Mark Gungor Yo Mama Session 1/2
OK, now we're gonna do "The Yo Mama session":
"The No.1 key to incredible sex"
And I just wanna set this up a little bit for you guys so you can kinda understand where I'm coming from
In addition to some of the things that I do being a minister, and a relationship speaker, and a musician...
... and whatever... I'm also a pilot.
If I were to tryin' tell you how to go from my home airport in Stevens Point, Wisconsin,
to Greenbay ... We've got a Greenbay person there!
So, "Pastor, how do you get there?" I'd say, you pretty much would fly a heading of 090.
Actually, technically it's a little more north than that, but for our example that's fine.
You fly 090, you pretty much go right from Stevens Point to Greenbay.
OK? Now, that's assuming, there are no other variables.
For example, if the wind starts blowing very hard out of the north and you'll keep flying 090,
you won't get to Greenbay. You'll end up in Milwaukee, or Chicago or who knows where else.
Depending on the strength of the wind. So if the wind is coming that hard, you know. We might change our heading to 065 or something,
and now we're flying more like this, to go this way.
OK? If you keep just pointing the plane to where you wanna go, without adjusting to the variables,
you'll always get off course.
So it seems kinda odd, but lots of times you're flying in weird angles, so you can go straight.
Now what I'm gonna share with you when I talk about *** issues here, is how to get from point A to point B.
But it depends on your variables and everybody has them.
Alright? And it's impossible for me to cover all of that in this session.
I'll try to do the best that I can, but you're gonna have to use your own best wisdom, your best judgement and common sense
to understand why something I might share may not exactly help you get to where you need to get
because of your past or whatever the deal is and then you'll just accordingly...
and if you're really stuck, you know, give us a call, you know. Call our office. We would love to help you.
And we really appreciate when people call us and asking us questions about "How do I deal with this problem?" and that sort of thing.
So, so just keep that in mind. I understand you might have some big variables, and you'll just have to adjust for yourself in that.
The other thing that I want you to keep in mind is this:
You know, being a minister sometimes when you start talking about *** things
and you start to try to explain to people why you have certain moral stands, you know. They don't really understand.
But there is a reason for that.
The reason God encourages people to wait until marriage to have sex
is because when you have sex outside of marriage, you run a very high risk of messing things up.
Now this is particularly true for men.
Men tend to imprint of of their early *** experiences.
Much like a bird. Some of these birds, these cranes and stuff, they imprint on the first thing they see after they're born.
I don't know if you know about this, but there are some animals that when they're born, the first thing it sees, it imprints on it and it thinks it's its mama.
So if these stupid cranes are born and there are chickens around, it's gonna follow the chicken and ignore its mother.
And professionals who deal with these animals have to be very very careful not to be seen.
I've watched them work with them, well they were actually dressed up like gigantic cranes to get around them,
because they're not the brightest things in the world.
You know "There's Mama!" And then follow it everywhere.
And men tend to imprint of of their early *** experiences.
If a man's early *** experiences are in the context of ***, which is what they are outside of marriage,
it is not really about love, it's about ***, it's about heat, it's about the back seat of a car, it's about someone they don't really know.
They tend to imprint on that.
They tend to inprint on the sex, and not the girl. Are you following me?
It's like when they have this, you know, this early *** experiences, it's like their psyche goes: "Wow, what was that?"
And it starts taking pictures. "Click! Click! Click! Click! Click!"
You know, this is 'cause they wanna remember, and they imprint of of this.
That's why a lot of guys, they get stuck here.
That's why a lot of men are constantly, even in their marriages, they're trying to re-create a "*** environment"
trying to get fulfilled sexually as a married men
trying to force their wives to do things that lot of them are very uncomfortable in doing.
Why are they doing that? Because they're trying to re-create this thing. They're trying to re-create this thing.
You see, if a man's early *** experience is in a context of marriage,
where he falls in love with this girl and all these people gather together and they all approve of it
and they have this wedding and they're in a church, and there God approves of it and all their friends and family approve of it,
they have the biggest celebration of their life.
And then on their wedding night and on their honeymoon they start havin' these first experiences.
Here now it's "Click! Click! Click!" He's imprinting on the girl.
And he connects to the girl at a very deep level.
That's why people who wait until they're married to have sex, have a fraction of the divorce rate of the rest of the world.
Because he's imprinting on her as opposed to just sex.
I met a man, not too long ago, who told me, after a session he says: "You know, I've got a problem."
I say: "What is it?" "I'm just not interested in sex."
You know, which to a Puerto Rican is very odd.
Like speaking Swahili, man! I don't know what he was talking about.
And I said: "What do you mean?" And he says: "I don't know, I'm just not interested in her."
"And then she's really upset with me," and I said: "Are you never interested in sex?"
And he says: "Well, you know, if we go out and have a nice dinner, go to hotel or something, then I could get into it."
I said: "Let me ask you a question, were you a *** when you got married?"
He goes: "No, no, no!"
And I said: "Were you pretty sexually active," you know, eyes kind of lit up... "Oh, yeah, yeah..."
And I said: "Why don't you tell me about it. What would be a typical experience?"
"Oh, you know, I find these women, and pick them up in bars and take them out for dinner, go to some hotel..."
I said: "You see what you've done?"
"You've so imprinted of of that, that you constantly try to go back there. You try to go back there."
In fact, psychologists today admire the whole sex culture that you get from experts it's all ***-based.
Because they assume, virtually everybody's already done this. So they're trying to encourage people to keep re-creating,
to keep fantasizing, keep imagining and all that sort of kind of stuff
And it can be very very destructive.
And men can have a really hard time really truly connecting with their wives.
Can you get past that? Yes, you can and I'm gonna show you how.
But you just gotta understand that it's gonna be different for you than for everybody else.
The same is true with women. They also imprint, but they imprint in a different way.
It's not so much on the sex as so much what happens after the sex.
And when women have sex outside of marriage, nothing happens after sex.
There's no connection. There's no follow-up.
They imprint on that sex = nothing.
Sex means nothing.
That's why so many married women have such negative attitude about sex.
What I was talking about last night how this is such a key thing
they don't even comprehend it, because they've learned falsely that sex means nothing.
If a woman waits until her wedding night and sees how that is, how she connects with this guy,
she understands this means everything. This is a key, this is a very fundamental thing.
Particularly, you feel very bad for women who'd been sexually molested.
Because not only that it doesn't mean anything their whole experience was forced on them.
And that so it has such an impact! Those early experiences are so important.
It's not like God is embarrassed about sex, God is not a prude.
He's seen you naked, He can handle!
It would really freak me out, but He can handle.
Some people say: "Yeah, you shouldn't have sex before marriage, yeah, it's just puritanical..."
No, no, no, no.
This stuff has a huge impact on people.
That a lot of you will struggle with this for the rest of your life.
I'm gonna show you how to help you with the struggle.
Which is not what you wanna hear, you wanna hear how you'll just fix it and it'll all go away.
It won't, probably, just all go away. You will struggle with this for the rest of your life.
All the more reason you need to tell your children what I'm about to tell you.
So they do this right.
It's a matter of like metabolism. You know, how some people they can eat anything they want and they never gain weight?
You know, we all hate those people. And they never have to think about it. It's just, it's natural to them.
They can eat anything and they stay slim all the time. Then there's the rest of us. We so much as look at food we gain five pounds.
What is the difference? We can still be at a healthy weight but it's a lot harder for us.
It's a lot more work for us. A lot more energy for us to get into healthy place.
What I'm talking to you about has to do with *** metabolism.
If you do this right in the beginning, those people have an automatic, natural healthy metabolism.
And they carry it with them throughout their whole life. That's why these people usually stay married forever.
These guys who get married, you know, 18 years old, you know, like Debbie and I did and die in a 103, you know.
They have this healthy *** metabolism, because they didn't get all messed up.
And everybody else struggles.
That's not to say you can not have a good sex life. You can!
You can have a wonderful sex life. It's just... For a lot of you it's gonna be more deliberate and you're gonna have to work at it a little bit harder than others.
Are you following what I'm saying? I'm not trying to discourage you, but I'm not gonna whitewash this to you.
That's why you wanna encourage your kids: "Wait! For the love of God, wait!"
Particularly for women that not only psychologically,
they have now determined, the research, that women physically do not respond the same
after they've had multiple *** partners.
Women typically when they have sex, they release a chemical called oxytocin into their blood stream.
It gives them this buzz and helps them to connect emotionally.
It's the same chemical that is released in a woman when she breastfeeds a little baby.
And it helps her to connect. They call it "the bonding" chemical.
They have measured that women who have multiple *** partners they start releasing less and less oxytocin.
Just a physical thing. I mean this is really dramatic for women.
If physically they can't even get the same buzz.
You know, it's not worth it. You can make it work, you can have a healthy sex life,
I'm gonna show you how to do it, but all the more reason
you wanna encourage your kids: "Wait! Do this right!"
Don't tell them: "Sex is wrong! Sex is wrong!" Man, I told my kids: "Sex rocks!"
"Sign me up, Jack! I like this!"
Alright? But do it the right way.
If you don't do it the right way, they can struggle.
Some of you are struggling now, some of you will struggle for the rest of your lives.
You can get it right, just your metabolism is gonna be different.
It'll take more energy and that's OK. Are you hearing me? Don't get discouraged.
You can still do it. It'll just be different than if you would've waited.
I wish to God we would've all waited. I know we didn't.
And it depends on the amount of damage. I mean, just 'cause you've had one or two it's not like you're seriously damaged
but some people they've really been into this stuff for the unmarried.
You struggle, I know you really struggle with this stuff.
And hopefully what I share with you in this session will really help you, OK?
You're all OK? You're ready?
Now what are we going to do is we are going to focus on the woman.
You say: "Why is that?"
Because she is a lot more complicated than you.
Thank you, dear.
So we're gonna focus on what it takes for a woman to experience great sex.
You see, all a man needs for a great sex is for you to show up.
All we need is oxygen.
You know, "Where is she?", alright?
Alright, so guys are easy. Women are a little bit more complicated.
And we're going to approach this. And again, keep in mind I'm going to be dealing with this issue from a stereotypical standpoint
that a man is more interested in sex than his wife.
If you're the opposite, you just have to interpolate and lot of the same rules apply, alright?
So anyway. So No.5, what does a girl need? First... five so I'll go up to No.1 key to incredible sex
She needs: Romance.
Looking at the Song of Solomon
He writes: "How delightful is your love, my bride."
"How much more pleasing is your love than wine,"
"and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice."
Here is a man who knew how to talk to a woman!
He was romantic. Romantic.
One of the things that really has me ticked off today with the whole *** thing,
and there's lots of them that have me ticked off.
But the fundamental one is that it has changed men today.
It used to be that men were lovers of women.
But this whole *** thing has turned so many man into self-centered pigs.
It's not about making love to the woman, it's about being gratified.
"Hey, why don't you do this to me? Why don't you do that? Hey babe..."
Hey, what about to get your head out of the toilet? Alright?
You want to be, have a great sex life you've got to learn how to be a lover to the girl.
You know, lot of guys get mad, because women aren't as turned on as they are automatically.
They don't have this much "desire" as they have.
Guys are saying: "My wife is not interested in sex."
Sure she is! All women are interested in sex! All women have *** desires. But it's different from you.
Your job is to be a lover to her and awaken the *** desire that is in her.
Alright? And a lot of guys they don't wanna do that, they just want to be lazy.
I know, I are one.
The guy should focus on the girl.
And it should be the man's goal to bring his wife to ***.
You know? And, you usually can tell by the way she responds, those little "uhs" and "ahs" and some of yawls "Yiii Haaaaa".
'Cause a lot of women say: "I'm just so embarrassed, I couldn't do that, you know."
And I say: "Girls, if your husband has to constantly ask you if you've been to the promised land"
"you ain't communicating."
"So I don't know what to do!" You know, come up with a signal, you know, whisper "bingo!" in his ear.
It makes for great code later, you can talk around the kids and they have no idea what you're talking about.
"Hey baby, up for some bingo later?"
"Yes, I can do some bingo," You know.
Your kids will say: "I've never seen mum and dad play bingo, what's with the bingo thing?
Of course, if you are Catholic, I'm really freaking you out,
'cause you all play bingo every Thursday night at your church.
But that's a different bingo, alright?
Lovers of women, you should be focusing on the girl.
You need to romance the girl and romancing the girl isn't in the middle of the night going:
"Hey, you're awake?"
"So I'm interested then." Well, you know, look, if your wife likes you waking her up in the dead of sleep, than go for it, I don't care.
Just the minute you feel turned on you don't have to be immediately gratified.
All that's it doing is God reminding you: "Be nice to the girl. Be nice to the girl! Be nice to the girl!"
Alright? And then that should kick you into your romantic mode, not to your "Hey, come here, babe. Help me out, will you?"
It is your job to be a lover to the girl.
And I'll tell you what, this whole desire thing, really has a lot of couples stressed up.
because we've always heard, you know, all of our lives in all the books, all the sex education, this is how it works:
you know, desire...
leads to arousal...
...which leads to sex. Right? We've all heard that, great.
Only one problem with that: It's not true for millions of people.
Particularly women.
Or some guys, it works for them too and they really struggle because, you know:
"I'm a man, I should be this way."
But a lot of people they're not.
A lot of women exhibit little to no desire at all!
And than they feel badly about themselves. Because they think: "Well, I should, I should."
Who told that you should? Some stupid textbook? Who cares?
I have discovered asking couples and interviewing them that, you know, this whole desire thing...
Lot of guys say: "Yeah, she's just not ever interested in sex. She doesn't wanna have sex."
And I said: "Really? Let me ask you a question, will she have sex with you?"
"Well, yeah."
"Well, what she's like when she does?" "Oh, she's incredible!"
In fact, I've actually come to the point, I don't have any data to support this
but just, you know, from the couples that I've talked to, but I have come to believe that some of the most *** people on the planet
exhibit little to no desire at all upfront.
In fact, a lot of women who are incredible *** animals are only feel like, who only feel like doing it when they're doing it.
They don't lead with this big desire thing, in front.
Now stop to think how that changes your view of yourself.
'Cause right now if you think "But I never feel that much, there's something wrong with me." Then you'll develop a negative attitude about sex, see?
And a lot of guys get angry at their wives, because "Well, she never initiates it. She never, she never wants..."
Who cares?
Who cares? I promise you, in my house I am the Initiator.
I am the Initiator. (Terminator parody)
I will initiate and then I'll be back!
Who cares? Who cares, this has really got a lot of people messed up.
I'm telling you, a lot of women, that's not, that's just not there! Until you start waking it in her.
OK? So you've got to learn to be a lover to the girl.
Learn how to awaken the desire that is in her.
Which leads me to the next point...
...which she needs: Foreplay.
"Now you're preaching, brother!"
And let me say this to you...
You know a lot of guys' way of initiating sex is they'll ask their wife:
"You wanna have sex?"
And the answer more often than not is "no!"
Why would you ask a question that's most likely to be responded with a "no"?
I never ask my wife if she wants to have sex! Never!
I just go for it!
Because I am the Initiator!
"You may not feel like it now, but you will when I'm finished."
Man, if your idea of romance and foreplay is: "You wanna have sex?"
There's something wrong with you!
Come on! Rise up! Take your place!
Now check this out: Song of Solomon. I love this!
He writes: "Your stature is like that of the palm tree,"
"and your *** are like clusters of fruit."
"I said to myself, I will climb the palm tree..."
"And I'll take the hold of the fruit." Hahaa... hallelluia!
Now the problem here is, most guys don't wanna take the time to climb the palm tree.
They just wanna hop in a cherry-picker and swing in and grab the coconuts "Hey baby, come on!"
"You wanna have sex? Hahahahaa!"
"Are you awake? Come on!"
Stop that! You've got to learn how to climb the palm tree.
You've got to learn how to touch the girl, how to romance the girl..
And you need to be romantic, you gotta mix it up! Don't be so pukin' predictable.
A lot of you guys, the minute you touch her she knows what's coming.
Why does she act like that? Because you are so obvious, you're so predictable.
Women are not interested in a formula!
Men are by nature formulaic. You do this, you do that, you get that. You do this, you do that, you get that.
And she's not, you know, you do that every time with her? She's just: "Get away from me!"
You need to mix it up! Gotta learn how to climb the palm tree!
You know, you really want a great foreplay? Turn it into a 24-hour deal.
I call it "Slow roasting your woman."
Man, it rocks! Don't be in such a hurry!
Kiss the girl, leave her alone, flirt with the girl, leave her alone, touch the girl, leave her alone!
Keep her guessing: "What's going on? What is this?" You know.
My wife will come out of the shower, I say: "Baby, just lay down". I'll give her a back scrub. She fall asleep
cover her up and crawl into bed next to her, turn off light and go to sleep.
You say: "I couldn't do that pastor, I'll go blind."
You won't go blind!
You've got to learn how to climb the palm tree!
Take it the time. Don't worry about this desire thing.
"You see, I'm waiting for her to have all this desire on front." Stop!
You're gonna be a very old man if you ever have sex again.
Alright? Number 3:
She needs: Time.
Check this out:
"How beautiful you are, my darling!"
"Your eyes behind your veil are doves,"
"Your hair is like a flock of goats..."
Not my choice of words but apparently 4000 years ago this was hot talk.
"Your lips are like a scarlet ribbon, your mouth is lovely. "
"Your neck is like the tower of David..."
"Your two *** are like two fawns,"
"Like twin fawns of a gazelle that browse among the lilies."
And check this out, he says: "Until the dawn breaks and the shadows flee."
In other words, all night long...
This dude had to be in his 20s, man, I'm telling you!
Us Puerto Ricans are way past all night long, I gotta tell you right now, but...
...all night long, what's he gonna do all night long?
He says: "I will go to the mountain of myrrh, and to the hill of incense."
"Where exactly is that, pastor?"
Let me explain it to you.
If you look in the back of your Bible where you have all those nice maps of the Holy Land and stuff.
You can look as hard as you want, you won't find Myrrh Mountain anywhere.
"So well, where is it?" and now think it through:
He talks about hair, and her eyes, and her nose, and her lips, and her neck, and her ***.
Ends up at the Myrrh mountain, where do you think it is?
"That's in the Bible?" Yes it is!
And the wild thing is he's there all night long!
Which brings me a very delicate subject.
And for the love of God don't raise your hands.
Or point out anyone!
But this is a problem for a lot of guys.
I was watching this TV show once my wife was in the hospital and I was in the hospital with her...
We're just kinda killing time watching TV and, flipping through the channels
and there were all these day-time shows, different chat shows, talk shows and we hit this one and the lady says:
"Today we are going to be discussing why women have a difficult time achieving ***."
I said: "Okay, I'm in."
So, I said: "Let's watch this one! I like this one!"
So they have these women and they have these psychologists and these doctors
and they all: "What's wrong with us? What's wrong with us?"
"We stink! We stink! We stink!"
And then they would go to the commercials and they would do these teasers
where they would ask a question and they'd give potential answers
and then you have to wait till after the commercial to get the answer, right? It's a teaser to make you stick around.
Well, about half was through that show they would ask a question: "What is the average length of a man's *** experience?"
A - 2 minutes B - 10 minutes C - 20 minutes
And it went to commercial. I looked to Debbie and I said: "You know what the answer is?" She goes:
"No, what?" I said: "Two minutes."
She goes: "Oh, it's not! I said: "You watch!"
Came back in "ding!": "A - Two minutes!"
And then they went on: "What's wrong with us? How can we have a hard time achieving ***?"
Hello, did you see the screen?!
Now, do the math: if a woman needs anywhere from 7-14 minutes
and a boy is done in two minutes,
you've got yourself a math problem.
And the worst part of it is...
...two minutes is the average!
Now guys, you can do better than the two-minute drill!
There's all all kinds of things you can do, there's all kinds of books, there's all kinds of help, those exercises you can do.
And I don't like exercises, but this stuff I can do.
You know, you can get past this two-minute drill problem...
Now ladies! You have to understand,
the No.1 element to enable a man to beat the two-minute drill
is regular consistant sex!
Yes! That's what I'm talking about!
You make a guy wait for two weeks than he ain't gonna last 30 seconds for crying out loud!
Alright? You need to help this boy become a lover to you. You gotta help him to get his stamina up, alright?
But you gotta be focused on the girl.
Now, if all you are is focused on yourself, lot of guys: "two minutes is more than enough time, you know, it's all about them."
"OK, I'm released, OK, thanks."
And then they wonder why she doesn't want to have sex later.
What's the drag for her?
I know women who've been married, their entire married lives who've never had an ***.
Never! But who'd been married before, who knew what an *** was they knew what I was talking about.
Coming to my office and: "I don't know..."
I said: "Well, let me ask you a question: Does he ever ring you a bell?" "No."
I said: "Have you ever had your bell rung?" "Yeah."
So she knew what I was talking about. Been married before.
"So let me ask you a question: When he makes love to you," She goes: "Yeah," I said: "Two minutes or less?"
She goes: "How do you know?"
I mean, come on, guys! We can do better than the two-minute drill. Alright?
No. 2: She needs:
Privacy.
Amen!
He writes: "Let us go early to the vineyards," - secret place, private place.
"to see if the wines have budded,"
"if their blossoms have opened, if the pomegranates are in bloom."
He for sure were into gardening.
"And there," he says, "I will give you my love."
It's gonna be very difficult for a woman to feel very *** or turned on
if she doesn't feel that her love-making to you is safe and private, alright?
Which means chances are, if you have dinner guests waiting in the next room, she won't be very interested.
To a lot of guys, we'd had no problem with that!
"Make yourselves at home! There's toritos in the cupboard."
"We'll be with you in a little bit!"
"In about two minutes, I'd say!"
She's not gonna be interested in that, you nitwit!
That's why for a lot of women just having children makes it difficult for them to feel very ***.
I call children the "anti-sex".
Yeah, 'cause they're always around, they're always around, it's always aroud. And it's hard for them to feel very ***, you've gotta work with her on that.
And ladies, you know, there's locks on your door, use them, you know.
You can't just neglect the *** needs of your husband till they're eighteen!
"Now wait honey, they'll be gone eventually."
Everything changes with children, you know, you're not the same any more.
Women, guys have to understand that physically they're different, emotionally they're different, everything's changed.
Those beautiful seductive *** are suddenly transformed from erogenous zones into public utilities.
And guys, she's been touched all day long!
And then you come home.
"Hey, baby!"
"Touch me and die!"
You hang a couple of monkeys from your testicles all day long and you'll see how you feel by the end of the day.
"I'm good! I'm good, thanks!"
"I'm OK, thank you. Nice thanks for asking, I'm good, I'm good."
Boys, she is not the same, but girls, he is!
A nothing happened to him. He's still the same wild man you married.
A lot of couples they really mess up at this point in their marriages.
That's why a lot of marriages only make it to about to 5-7 year mark.
Just long enough for the regrets to come in, upset the apple-cart and you fail to make the proper adjustments.
And it destroys the relationship.
Ladies, you cannot get so engrossed in being mommies that you forget about the *** needs of your husband.
"But Johnny needs me! Johnny needs me!" I tell you what Johnny needs, he needs a father.
And if you keep it up, he's not gonna have one. It's not worth it.
And girls you have to be really careful about rejecting your husband sexually.
I don't know if you're aware of this, but for most men as few as 3 or 4 rejections in a row, and he'll begin to shut down sexually.
If you have a husband who argues with you about sex, consider yourself blessed by God.
Because at least he keeps it on the front table. But a lot of guys they just shut down.
I have women on conferences like this, who come up to me tears running down their faces and: "I did that to my husband and he won't touch me."
It's not worth it! Why do you think all the jokes on TV
are about the young sexually frustrated man? But the older sexually frustrated woman?
Because she comes back to life, you see.
You're gonna come back to where you were, but now he won't care about you anymore.
He won't feel safe to be the initiator anymore.
And it's gonna, you say: "What do we do?" Everything, you know, it rarely ever goes to the way it was. You might have to turn into the initiator, I mean,
it's not worth it! You, younger ones, watch yourselves during this time.
I understand you're tired. And guys get a clue.
The girl is exhausted, give her a break, let her rest.
They just did this survey in USA Today Weekend this weekend, and I don't know if you saw it, but they said
what were man's No.1 interests - it was
sex, food and sleep.
and they surveyed women and their top 3 interests were: sleep, food and sex.
I mean you've been traded in for a cheeseburger Jack, you know what I'm sayin'.
Help the girl. Let her rest.
Give her a break!
You want her to be a lover to you? Let her take a nap.
You take that little rag rats for a while.
Let them peel your brain apart.
Alright? And all of this now leads us to the No.1 key
to incredible sex.
Which I will give to you right after this break.