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[Subway Outside. ]
Jeff: Thank you for letting me work here.
Boss: You got it, just don't eat anything while on your shift.
Jeff: You got it!
Twenty Minutes later...
Jeff: Mmmm MMMm MMM Yang yang.
Boss: You're fired!
Jeff: BURRRHG
[Next Scene]
Chrissy: Oh I'm so sorry.
Nathan: What the hell? That's Katee.
Nathan: Damn... She got really old.
Chrissy: Thank you so much.
Nathan carries the items.
Chrissy: Thank you again.
Nathan: I thought you weren't talking to me?
Chrissy: I've never met you before.
Nathan: Yeah... I guess that's true.
Chrissy: Ugh...
Nathan: What's wrong, you okay?
Chrissy: I get dizzy sometimes.
Chrissy: I need to sit down somewhere.
Nathan: There's nowhere to sit down.
Chrissy: Over there. That's Tyler's car. He won't mind if I rest on it.
Nathan: Door's open.
Chrissy: Oh thank you.
Chrissy: How long did it take you to get so muscular.
Nathan: I work out daily.
Nathan: Puts arm around her
Nathan: You know I'm sorry I treated you so badly all this time, Katee.
Chrissy: Katee? I'm Chrissy.
Nathan: Wha?
[Nathan pulls pump from behind her back]
Nathan: AAH
Nathan storms out the door.
Nathan: Oh god. I didn't know who you were. I swear I thought you were Katee.
Chrissy: Yeah yeah. Don't sweat it.
Nathan: Please don't tell Katee, if she finds out she'll never forgive me.
Chrissy: You like my daughter, don't you...
Nathan: ... looks to side
Chrissy: She likes you too. You have to be more assertive.
Chrissy: Well, I have to go now.
Chrissy: If you want to call Katee, her number is 9842447
Nathan: that's ok
[Nathan gets phone call.]
Chrissy: I left my pump in Tyler's car. Can you please go and get it.
Nathan: Ok.
Nathan: ***... It's locked.
Nathan: I can't even see it.
Nathan: Oh god, if tyler finds out I was trying to make out with Katee's mom
Nathan: I don't have a choice.
Tyler: Hope he's got insurance.
SMASH Nathan: ***! Where is it!
[Tyler walking.]
Nathan: ***, here comes tyler. I've gotta bail. I'll grab all his *** and search through
it. Better Tyler have a busted car than him finding the pump.
Nathan: ***, how do I get myself in these situations.
Nathan on phone. I looked through the entire car I didn't find it.
Chrissy: Oh, it's ok! I found it.
Nathan: Oh.. great...
Nathan: ***.
Nathan: I need to bring his *** back.
Nathan: HIS CAR IS GONE. ***.
Nathan: I'll just throw it on his front porch.
Police: alright. Put em up.
Nathan: ah ***...
[Jail]
Jesse: What’s up.
Jesse reading *** mag.
Nathan: What the ***? Five million dollar reward on el Chupacabra?
Jesse: It’s all ***. That thing doesn’t exist.
Nathan: If we can get the *** out of here, we can make enough money that way you won’t
have to live in the streets anymore.
Jesse: This is a *** jail. There’s no getting out of here, dude.
Nathan takes off air duct. Shapes into key. Gets both out.
Nathan: There's an air duct up there. Hmmm... I'm going to take this and shape it into ... a
key..
Nathan: After you...
Jesse: Aww, ***.
[Later]
Jesse: Thanks for the ride, I’m gonna bum a couple of bucks off my dad and try to get
to my girlfriends house.
Nathan: Yeah… no problem.
Jeff: [Sob]
Memory of Chrissy: You need to be more assertive.
Nathan: What's wrong?
Jeff: [Pause]
Jeff: None of your business. And I thought you weren't talking to me.
Nathan: So then you did see what was on that...?
Jeff: No, I didn't see it.
Nathan: Guess I'm still talking to you...
Jeff: [sigh] I lost my job and now I don't have money to pay for anything, and my mom
wants me out of the house.
Jeff: Now they're sending me to my aunt in cali.
Nathan: [Pause]
Nathan: Come to Cuba with me.
Jeff: What?
Nathan: They're giving out a five million dollar reward for the one who captures the
Chupacabra.
Jeff: You ARE insane.
Nathan: Listen! If we get the five million, we'll split it. 2.5 million even.
Nathan: You'll never have to work a damn day in your life again!
Nathan: Come to cuba with me and we'll come back and be millionaires!
Jeff: Chupacabra is in Puerto Rico, ***.
Nathan: Come to Puerto Rico with me.
Jeff: I'm going home.
Reinard: Your mom is packing your things to go to California. I'm driving you.
Jeff: Why...
Nathan: I can take her.
Jeff: What?
Jeff: Oh no you're not.
Nathan: I have a gig in Puerto Rico. She can come with me. I'll drop her off in Cali.
Reinard: So how are you driving down there?
Nathan: First class. [smiles]
[Chupacabra Theme]
Jeff: God, this truck stinks.
Jeff: There's mosquitoes everywhere.
Nathan: At least there's no salamanda ***.
Jeff: ?
[Later]
Jeff: Well, Nathan, this is my stop. I hope we never meet again.
Nathan: Stay safe.
[Her aunt's house in on fire.]
Jeff: Oh god.
Jeff: Oh my god...
Nathan: I'm so sorry...
Jeff: Don't touch me.
Jeff: For all I know, YOU did this.
Nathan: I'm not THAT twisted.
Jeff: I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.
Jeff: I'll have to live on the streets like Jesse
[Cut to Jesse]
Voice: GET A JOB YOU LAZY HULLIGEN!
Nathan: Not necessarily.
Jeff: Oh god. Not this again.
Nathan: I have a plan ;)
[Later...]
Jeff: Why are we still riding this stupid truck?
Jeff: When you stalked me with Alex, didn't you have shitloads of money for rental cars?
Nathan: Oh yeah...
[They're both in a brand new rental. ]
Jeff: So NOW why do we STILL need to hunt for the Chupacabra. When you're already rich.
Nathan: I'm not that rich.
[She pauses and looks at him.]
Nathan: What?
Jeff: Why are you doing all this? ... For me.
Nathan: Do I need a reason?
Jeff: [Looks at him questioningly]
Jeff: I still don't trust you.
Nathan: That's cool...
[Cuban music.]
Nathan: AHHH.. It sure is muggy here in cuba.
Jeff: It's Puerto Rico you retard. How many times do I have to say it.
[He pulls out a map.]
Nathan: According to this map, the last attack on goats was made at this farm.
Jeff: So when we see this goat sucker, how are you actually going to capture it?
Nathan: You mean we?
Jeff: Hell no. I know what the Chupacabra is. It's probably some naked homeless guy
who likes to *** sheep.
Nathan: What if it's not and it's real?
Jeff: Gawd. The Chupacabra doesn't exist. This is why I don't like you. You believe
anything someone tells you.
Nathan: Shhh. You hear that?
Old lady: Dios Mios. AAAhhhhhhh...
Old lady: Que paso con mis lamas. Awwwwww.....
Nathan: Oje. Que paso con tus lamas.
Old lady: La Chupacabra. La Chupacabra. Awwwwwww!!!
Nathan: Adonde se fue?
[Later]
Nathan: We have to cross these wheats.
Jeff: I'm too short.
Jeff: FASTER. GO FASTER. Slow ***.
Nathan: ***, I need to rest.
Nathan: We can camp out here.
Jeff: Where's the bathroom.
[Fire in the distance. ]
Jeff: So... how many girlfriends have you had.
Nathan: None.
Jeff: Come on. I've seen your pictures. You have so many girls on there.
Nathan: Welll... There was one girl. She was another online girl. She's half albino. From
Finland. I was in a "test relationship” with her for a week.
Nathan: I got online with another screen name and got her to cheat on me with myself. So
I was like, yyeah... I'm not having that.
Jeff: Oh god, you're pathetic.
Nathan: What about you. You got a boyfriend?
Jeff: I'm seeing this guy. He's half Italian.
Nathan: Half Italian? That sounds awful familiar. You have a fetish for half Italian guys.
Jeff: Shut up.
Nathan: So what does he do?
Jeff: What do you mean?
Nathan: I mean, what does he do for a living?
Jeff: Um. He... makes independent art for World of Warcraft.
Nathan: What kind of art?
Jeff: 3D nude designs.
Nathan: What?
Nathan: Hahahahaha. Now who's pathetic? Hahahaha.
Jeff: Stop laughing.
[Dramatic Pause]
Jeff: It's cold.
[Nathan puts blanket around her.]
Nathan: There you go.
Jeff: Nathan... I'm sorry for all the things I did to you in the past.
Nathan: I'm sorry for what I did too.
Jeff: It's okay. I know you were only trying to apologize.
Nathan: You know... I still don't know what to call you.
Jeff: Call me... Lieautenant Jeffrey.
Nathan: Alright, Jeffrey
Jeff: You know... “Cuba” isn't that bad after all.
Nathan: Hmmhmm, cuba?
[Moving in to kiss...]
Nathan: Don't you have a boyfriend?
Jeff: I'll delete him first thing when I get to a computer.
Nathan: Wha... it's not that simple. You can't just dump a guy whenever you feel like it...
Karma is gonna get you back for that.
Jeff: I would never marry him. He's clingy.
Nathan: Whoa. Married? I never thought you wanted to get married.
Jeff: Come on, you can't tell me you never thought about it.
Nathan: Well...
[Tom Goes to the Mayor Parody]
Nathan: Honey. I'm home.
Nathan: Robert, Stanley, John? Help your mother get the dinner table ready.
Katee: ARGH WHY DIDN'T YOU BRING ME CAKE BATTER LIKE I ASKED.
Nathan: Honey? You still have batter left over from the last cake you made
Katee: ARGH, I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT VINALLA. I WANT CINNAMON.
Nathan: Ahh.. Pretzels.
[Back in the tent]
Jeff: You're a jerk.
Nathan: Shut up. [smile]
[Nathan tries to kiss]
Jeff: Nathan...
Jeff: There's something I should tell you.
Nathan: What is it...
Jeff: I haven't told this to anyone before.
Nathan: You can tell me anything..
Jeff: I was born androgynous.
Nathan: What?
Jeff: I was born with male and female organs.
Nathan: SHOW ME.
YARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH
Nathan: The *** was that?
Jeff: The Chupacabra.
[To be Continued...]