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All right.
We're off to a really good start this morning,
running behind about 10 minutes, but that's okay,
we'll just take your lunch.
Not too much of it, we're gonna make up the time.
But it is my privilege to get us started for the next sessions,
and I'm really very excited about
the next part of our program.
We have the opportunity this year to invite some of
the families that are recipients or have been recipients
of the services that you all are providing.
And I--this is the--I'm excited about all the conference because
it's your conference, but this is the part of the conference
that I am most excited about, and I just want to say welcome
to our families and you'll hear more about that
from Patrick Patterson.
I want to bring Patrick up.
Patrick is from the National Healthy Marriage Resource
Center, and many of you have met Patrick and if you haven't,
you'll have a rare and wonderful opportunity
to get to see him in action today.
He is rivaling Oprah and--has that ability
to keep things moving along.
Patrick used to be a Fed, he was in region three
and we were able to have him move into the National
Healthy Marriage Resource center of his own accord.
We didn't do anything, but it's been a wonderful transition
for us and for the program that he's with.
So Patrick is going to lead us
through the program this morning.
I want you all to give our families a warm welcome.
They're a little nervous.
Help them understand they're among friends and family
and you love them.
And with that, I'm turning over to Patrick.
Thank you.
Good morning.
Good morning.
I am not Oprah, nor Stedman.
I am delighted to be here for this very reason.
Many of you have worked with families directly
over the years, and one of the things we, I think,
get most joy out of is having a chance to hear directly how
we're impacting the families.
And so there's only one goal for this session today,
is just to let them tell their stories.
And so what I would encourage you to do is sit back,
relax and take a chance to listen to what they have
experienced in these programs.
I think individually, but also what they've done since
being a part of these programs.
We've had a chance to talk the last couple days,
just to kind of get to know each other,
and I think in all sincerity, you guys are in
for a real treat.
I will start also by saying there were a number of couples,
a number of couples that were considered for this,
and I think the three that we have are among the best.
So I'm excited.
I hope to disappear from the panel as they continue to talk.
So with that, a couple of things that I'll do in terms of
setting up the panel, I'm going to have a series of questions.
I gave them some dummy questions first that were supposed to be
asked, but I changed them all just to keep it fresh and I told
them that last night and I think they all slept maybe an hour
each in preparation for today.
Each of them are joined by a program staff person
that worked in the program that they were part of,
so those individuals will introduce the program
that they actually operated.
And then the balance of the time is going to be for the couples to
share their experience in the program and what it has done
in their relationship.
Ready?
The first couple, and I'm going to go my left to right.
The first couple that I will introduce formally is
Eric and Jessica Bishop.
They are graduates of the COPES program in Louisville, Kentucky.
They are joined by--they are joined by Ted Strader from the
program, and I will mention in your packet as you joined us,
you registered, the bulletin, there was a Promises
and Practices Guide booklet that you all received.
One of the programs that was highlighted in that was
the COPES program so I want to give Ted a moment to say a few minutes
about the program and just say a few words about the Bishops.
Okay.
You're on.
We're on.
I'm just so delighted to be here to share with my colleagues
and friends, and just we share in the work,
share in the fun of day.
And I think our, one of my favorite couples will be
an inspiration for you.
I'm supposed to tell you about our organization.
COPES is a private nonprofit agency in Louisville, Kentucky.
It's 31 years old, and I'm the founder,
executive director, so I'm 32.
We serve youth, parents, and families, and have for years.
We've demonstrated strong results in youth substance abuse
prevention, family enhancement, fatherhood programming,
marriage programs.
And in the last 5 years we started to focus on reentry,
populations and recovery support programming with families,
and we are real excited about the kind of work
we're doing with OFA.
We try to focus on serving people who have had the minority
experience because we don't believe minorities exist,
just we think people treat people like minorities,
but what's that mean?
What's a minority?
So people have that experience, so we try to get away from,
we try to help people not experience the pain
of the minority experience.
We're currently funded by OFA to provide both fatherhood
and healthy marriage programs in Louisville,
and in both of these programs we're serving reentry
and recovery populations.
My co-trainer for our healthy marriage program is also
my healthy marriage program coordinator.
I'd like Brooke Arnold to stand up.
She's over here on the far side.
Please stand up, Brooke.
She and I had the pleasure, the deep pleasure with working with
both Eric and Jessica Bishop in our healthy marriage program with a very
unique group of other parents.
I wish we could have brought the whole group,
but Eric and Jessica are here to share their part,
a part of their story, and I think we can all celebrate
the best of what a healthy marriage has to offer to both
parents and children.
And I think of all the people in the world, Eric and Jessica,
you faced challenges with dignity and pride and you worked
on yourselves as individuals and on your marriage as couples,
and you're an inspiration to us so that's why we invited you.
Wonderful.
Wonderful.
Thank you, Ted.
The second couple that I want to introduce formally to my
immediate left are Mr. Lamar and Mrs. Wanda Threat.
They are from First Things First program in Chattanooga and they're
represented by staff person Ms. Deborah Gunn so I asked
Deborah if she would give us a few minutes,
a minute or so of what the program is
and to introduce this couple.
Good morning.
My name is Deborah Gunn, and I'm the Project Director
for First Things First in Chattanooga, Tennesse,
their healthy marriage initiative.
First Things First is a nonprofit that's dedicated
to reducing the divorce rate in our community,
reducing *** pregnancies
and increasing fatherhood involvement.
We're a priority two grantee.
We have implemented six of the allowable activities which are
marketing, teens, relationship education for teens,
*** expectant parents, singles,
married couples and couples whose marriages are in distress.
We deliver 8 hours of training in our sessions,
and we partner with several community partners across
the--across our community.
High schools, community health departments, hospitals,
churches, universities, businesses, restaurants,
anybody who would love to partner with us,
we'd like to partner with them.
And so it was a pleasure when we got a call one day from the
Threats for to do marriage and relationship education seminar
at their church.
Wonderful, thank you.
Please join me again in welcoming the Threats.
And to my right, we have, it looks like a family here.
We have Roberto and Vivi Gil.
They are from Francisco, Francisco.
I apologize for that.
They are from the PAIRS Foundation in Florida,
and they're joined by Seth Eisenberg
who is a program director there.
And to my immediate right, Leah Rubio who for some part
of our conversation will be translating
some of the discussion in English.
With that, Seth, I'll ask if you will introduce the setup
for the program and introduce the Gils.
Thank you very much.
Microphone.
So we started about 30 years ago,
the PAIRS Foundation did just down the street from here at
American University with the idea that preparing future
counselors to help families and couples really took education,
and I can imagine that the founders and so many whose work,
our work is based on would just be delighted to see each of you
sitting here and to know that this work has touched each of
the families that are here.
PAIR stands for practical application of intimate
relationship skills.
We teach programs from very brief programs to a full
semester course for every population imaginable.
We're very excited that you'll get to hear from Francisco and
Vivi and also maybe meet their three beautiful children who are
with us today as they share about their experience.
I'm joined here at the conference by Cyndee Odom,
our Director of Recruitment and Partnership Development,
and I won't take any further time because I know we want to
hear from Francisco and Vivi and the other couples.
Thank you.
Yes, thank you.
Please join me in welcoming the Gils to the conference.
To the conversation, I'll start to my right with the Gils.
Please introduce yourself.
How did you meet?
Good morning, I'm Francisco and Viviana, my wife,
and we are has been married for last 22 years,
and we have three children and my children Andrea,
Danielle and Camilla.
We are living in South Miami for last 16 years,
and we are very happy to be here and what, I'm ready.
All right, all right.
Vivi?
My name is Viviana.
I'm very happy to be here,
because my passion is families.
And really it is a privilege for me to be here in front
of so many people who are always interested in families.
Wonderful.
Wonderful.
To the Threats, how did you meet?
Tell us about yourselves.
How did we meet?
He started smiling already, ya'll.
You want to tell them or you me to tell them?
My wife and I met when I was enrolling my children,
my two children in school.
I'd recently went through a divorce,
and I got custody of my kids and I was enrolling them in school.
And she saw the hunk and she couldn't stand it, so--
He's a modest man, now.
She noticed me talking to a friend and she knew her.
She got my number.
She called me and the rest was history.
Okay, now there are always two sides of the story,
so anything to add, Wanda?
I'm Wanda Threat, and he basically is telling the truth.
Okay, okay.
I saw him and I had to have him.
Okay, okay.
I was going through a divorce as well.
And my girlfriend had said that we'll make a good couple,
and I was raised without father in the home as well
and I was a teen mother.
And I had went through an abusive relationship,
and I just wanted to do it right the next time.
And so I prayed to God and asked him to send me a husband,
and so he did send me my husband,
registered our kids in the school,
and I have three kids and together we have
5 and 20 grandchildren.
And we've been married 24 years.
Yes, we've been married 24 years.
Twenty-four years, all right.
Thank you.
And our last couple, the Bishops,
tell us how you met and tell us about yourselves.
I'm Eric Bishop.
I met my wife, Jessica, we actually,
I was just out of college.
We met almost 12 years ago.
We've been married 8 years and we met right before
we started our careers in life.
I guess, you know, when you're just making it.
We was waiting tables at a local restaurant in town,
and she's so beautiful, you know, that I couldn't help it.
I pursued her and luckily, here we are today
12 years later almost.
Wonderful.
I'm Jessica Bishop, and that's the truth.
We met at a restaurant, and I really liked what I saw
and he was just so kind and sensitive and helpful.
He would help me do all my work.
Yeah, I forgot about that.
Yeah, you know how, I don't know if anybody's ever had that
experience like in college where you just gotta take jobs,
and you end up waiting tables for a while,
you know can't--you know when you're in transition trying find
a career and you get, the waiting tables part is great.
You know, you get to rake the tips,
you do fine and it's a pretty easy job,
but at the end of the night, you got side work
and side work's not fun.
You get salad station and all, and I just, you know,
she didn't so I was real good at doing it so,
I would do her side work, you know,
so we could get out of there a little early and spend
some time together.
Ah-ha.
Ah-ha.
Oh boy.
Oh boy.
Starting with Lamar and Wanda, tell us how you found out
about the program.
Was it a flyer, was it on radio, how did you find out
about the program?
I found out about the program through advertisements on
billboards, and our pastor had appointed us to be marriage
leaders, and so I knew that in order to do a good job and to
help other couples in our church and the community was to seek
out other avenues because we needed help.
So we found out by billboards and radio advertisements
and stuff like that, and then that's how
I contacted First Things First.
Okay, all right.
Vivi, Francisco, how'd you find out about the program?
One of our friends tell me, "I have classes for relationship
skills and communication."
And I said, okay, when, where and how much?
And he said Sundays, afternoon for 3 hours,
six consecutive Sundays and for free.
And I said what's that?
And he give me that name it's PAIRS.
I'm going to their web site and check and say okay,
I talk to my wife and said okay, can I--can we go?
And the first time she said I'm not sure Sunday afternoon is
my only rest time after the church beginning the week.
I said I need to drive 65 miles and 65 miles back,
and I said, okay, going.
And that's it.
We're going the first Sunday and at the time we thinking
we don't need too much help.
We are okay.
Our relationship is okay, but okay go and that's it.
We're going for the first Sunday and yeah,
after the first Sunday, I see we need it.
Vivi, anything?
What my husband saying, it was difficult because
it was six consecutive Sundays.
And who's gonna take care of the kids?
But after the first class, we were fascinated.
We needed it, and we began practicing.
And it was spectacular.
Wow, wow.
Eric and Jessica, how'd you come to find out about the program?
Well, I actually--I'm not in a reentry program.
I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict.
Eighteen months ago, I would have never imagined my life
being the way it is today, and--I decided that I wanted
to change my life and I went to a halfway house.
And my program director, you know,
before we took the COPES classes,
I didn't know what we were gonna do.
We couldn't decide if we wanted to make our marriage work.
We were on the midst of getting a divorce,
and she told me that COPES was a national registry
of evidence-based programs.
And so I said, you know whatever it takes because I was willing
to do whatever it took.
And so it was 10 weeks, 10 consecutive weeks and plus it
was a way for us to get to see each other because we wanted
to see each other, and every Tuesday we looked forward to it.
So that's how we found the program, and I'm very,
very grateful for it because if I weren't in that halfway house
and I weren't a recovering alcoholic,
then I wouldn't even have been there.
So I do believe things happen the way they're supposed to.
I just want to say too, that COPES was a true blessing
in my life because--I might get a little choked up here.
When me and my wife was gonna possibly divorce,
it wasn't because I wasn't in love with her and it wasn't
because of infidelity, and we have a son that's
just out-of-this-world brilliant, you know?
And I'm not just saying this because I know everybody
thinks their kid is the greatest, right?
But no, I mean we've had 20 different people tell us,
"Well, your kid, he may be a president one day."
And he's just so loved, and he's such a good kid.
And that was when she went to the halfway house and was
in recovery, cause recovery programs just weren't working,
you know?
And it was kind of like I was just kind of sick and tired of
being sick and tired, you know?
And she made that decision, and the woman she is today--
I'm so proud of her.
And--COPES what it did was that we knew we wanted
to be together.
We just wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do because we
done set our kid up to think that his mom and dad, you know,
we were splitting up.
And it's like not to mention, all the stuff that we had put
our families through, you know?
All the lies and the deceit and just the drama, you know,
and not to mention all the pain and hurt that we went through
ourselves and everybody that was connected to us, you know,
especially our son.
And--us getting into the program COPES,
and I mean you was in there with all these other people that was
in the same situation as her, a lot of the same past
and histories and people from all different backgrounds
and ethnicities, you know, and she got to see a broad spectrum
and sides of families and compare views and values
and really hone in on what you needed to give you that closure
and that peace of mind and that reassurance that our love
and us working at this is the right thing,
and we're moving in the right direction
and that we can be a family again and we can be stronger,
and we can let our son know and we can let our family know.
And when we finally did that and we completed this program,
all those fears, you know, and worrying about all those
judgments that were gonna be passed on us, it just,
it was like, it was an overwhelming sense--everybody
was so proud of us, and they were so happy for us.
And--and our whole life and our little boy,
he's gotta be the one of the happiest 7 year olds
in the whole U S of A.
And you know and our marriage is just everything.
And for me, it was like I was in such a vulnerable raw,
state in my life right there at that point
because I didn't have my wife.
It was just me and my son.
We couldn't hardly see her.
She living in this halfway house, you know,
and a lot of this stuff was going on because she was making
the decisions that I had been wanting her to make for so long,
but it was so hard.
And there was so much pain in all of that and then we're
getting in closer to God, going to church on Sundays,
being sober in recovery myself.
You blend all that together with this program, boy,
you talk about some powerful, spiritual stuff happening
in your life, you know?
I'm just now getting where I can sit through mass without crying.
So anyway, I'm glad we found this program.
I'm glad my wife went to that halfway house,
and I'm so grateful that I'm sitting here today with her.
Wonderful.
Wonderful.
Speaking of the programs, what I want to try to hear from
each of you is just what types of skills did you learn
that you're using today?
What did you learn in the program, skill-wise,
that you're using today?
And I'll start with Francisco and Vivi.
At the beginning of the program,
the first thing that I realized is that for the last 20 years
in my marriage, I never listened to my wife.
That's what I'm saying, you know the first class,
I need it because I need to learn how listening to her
with empathy.
And then I realized I'm not a good speaker.
I never say to her my real feelings and thoughts
in the right way.
And after the first class, when I driving back to home,
65 miles like an hour and 20 minutes, I was talking with her.
Hey Vivi, I'm sorry about I don't know how to listen to you,
and I don't know how to speak to you, but from today and after,
I'm trying to do it in the right way that I learning today and I
really appreciate the people that invite to me PAIRS
and the tools, the first tools was to listen to empathy,
to speak right.
And the second was to express my feelings, my anger,
my frustrations and my conflicts in the right way.
That changed my life, my relationship with her.
And after the first class, that's the reason that I said
then I need it, and I come back next Sunday.
And for me was, you know, like you think you are right
every time, but when you discover something that wow,
I no right, I wrong.
I need this one for my life, for my relationship,
for my kids and also in my mind, I want to be a good father.
I need to be a good father, and I don't know how.
And now we speaking good and listening with empathy
and validate her feelings, her thoughts,
my children feelings and thoughts.
That changed my life from the--a hundred percent.
The most difficult part for me was not listening to him,
but being able to understand him from his heart.
And I always had a word judging what he was saying to me.
But I never understood what he was saying from the heart.
And I've really learned from all of these techniques,
that he needs to listen, that I listen to him from the heart.
And it's wonderful.
Our relationship has changed 100 percent because
I'm doing my part, my job, and he's doing his part,
and we're not demanding anything one from the other.
And things are working really, really well.
Wow.
Wanda and Lamar, some of the skills?
I'm just gonna say that, you know,
we started out setting up these classes for our church members
and, of course, we went to the classes as well,
but as a result of us going to the classes, myself,
I gleaned a lot of information on some of the things that
I was not doing well in my own marriage,
and I was able to realize that whereas I was always
concentrating on what my wife was doing wrong,
which is what I couldn't do anything about,
I was made to realize that I could do something about
my faults, and we were given some tools.
See, I'm an electrician by trade and the first thing I do
when I get ready to do my work is I get my tools.
But in a marriage, there are tools that you need to do a good
job in your marriage, and it's easy when it's your--what you do
for a living because you know what tools to use.
And in the case with my marriage,
I didn't know all the tools.
I didn't know what to do, so we were given a lot of good
information on, you know, some good tools to use to make a good
marriage because a marriage is not something that you can--
I mean I can say wire a house and I'm done with it,
the job is done.
But with a marriage, the job is never done,
you're always working on it, and if you don't have the correct
tools then, you know, you can't do the job correctly so I
gleaned a lot of information.
I have been gleaning a lot of information myself
that's helped me in my own marriage.
Even though we started the classes to help other couples,
and we've also noticed that a lot of the couples that
we've offered these classes, anybody that wanted to come,
not just our church members but any other members of any
other churches or anybody in the community,
anybody that hears about it are welcome.
And within our church it's been surprising to me the couples
that have been really eager to take these classes that you
would think, wow, they've been married, 30, 35, 40 years,
but they were having problems and they wanted help.
And a lot of them have come, and I think they've benefited
a lot from the class that have been offered,
and the good thing about it is a lot of those people probably
wouldn't have taken advantage of this if it--if there were costs
involved, but anytime we went to First Things First, you know,
for what they offered, the different classes that they
offered, they worked with us.
They would break up the classes in the evenings.
They would break it up into 2 4-hour sessions.
They'd do it all day on a Saturday, whatever we wanted,
they worked with us, and it's just been a good thing
for everybody involved.
Skills, Wanda, what skills?
What skills?
I've gained a lot of skills from this working with First Things
First and taking these classes.
Like I had said earlier, I came from a single mom,
so I didn't develop or have the skills or what it was
to be a wife.
I didn't have the skills to know what it was really
to be a parent.
My mother worked two jobs, so we basically,
she had five kids so we basically was at home
to ourselves, you know, to fend for ourselves.
I married once before and I was--I married a man
who was abusive.
I'm a survivor of that.
I've lost a son in the process of that.
And so when I pray and ask God, and I've always had
a strong faith in God that he was gonna pull me out,
but I didn't know how.
So as we--as I--when I married Lamar,
I had this independence about myself.
I didn't know how to be really his wife,
but I was gonna do the best I could.
And so but I knew he was somebody I wanted to try
to work it with.
So like he said, when we started taking these classes,
I realized myself, even though we've been married a long time,
I saw that I was doing things my own way because
my mama had instilled in me that I was a very independent person.
I didn't need a man to do this, you do it yourself so with that,
I disrespected my husband in so many ways by just stepping out
ahead after him, and we had poor communication.
And that communication and these classes have helped me with
my communication skills with my husband,
even to be patient with him.
I didn't think he understood that what it was like to be
raised without your parents together because he had both
his parents, and I just had to, you know,
roll with it and depend on God to help me and keep me strong
and hit low self-esteem.
And these classes have helped me to develop my self-esteem even
more, to love my husband, who's my best friend,
even more and to be an example for our children as well
as our grandchildren and to be able to guide them through their
difficulties in their marriages.
And so this program has really been a blessing to me and my
husband, my family as a whole.
And even my mother said, "I can see a difference in you, baby.
I can see a difference."
And so she says now, "I love him better than I love you."
So I thank God for that.
Before I get to the Bishops, a little birdie told me
yesterday about a change in Lamar in terms of ways that
he's come around with flowers and coming on your job and,
can you say anything about that?
Okay.
My husband used to be--he just didn't believe in
these programs at all.
Early on in our marriage, I would say, honey,
let's go get counseling, because I knew we had problems.
And he would say, "Those are nothing but quacks.
"I'm not going to talk to nobody
because they can't tell me nothing."
So I said okay, I putted on around with these many years,
and so when we started taking these programs,
my husband didn't send flowers.
So I had gotten used to that.
You know how you get numb to stuff,
you know just go on about your business,
but it wasn't enough for me to end my marriage
but I went on with it.
And when I saw other women getting flowers in the workplace
and I would think, God, that's really nice and special.
So one day my daughter sent me some flowers and I just brought
them home, and set them on the table and he looked at them,
but I didn't tell him where they came from.
He knew he didn't send them.
So this year since we've been taking the classes,
he sent me some flowers and I immediately thought
it was from my daughter.
And then all of a sudden he started showing up at work
and started--I mean my husband didn't do these things.
He started showing up at work and say,
he called me on and he said, "What you doin'?"
And I said, well.
"What are you doing for lunch?"
And I said, well, what do you have planned?
And sometimes I say I'm going out with you?
And then he'd say, "Okay, I'm outside."
And I mean thank God for my job, I work in human resources
so I'm flexible so I just--he said,
"Well, did you bring anything to eat?"
And I'd say no.
I'll tell him, no I didn't bring anything to eat,
but I was doing was giving it to my coworker.
I was giving my lunch to my coworker and say,
baby, I'm going out to eat.
And I've been telling them, I say my husband have changed,
honey, and this is something it's just been fantastic.
So we're dating again after 24 years, we are dating.
He actually went to the movies with me.
And we had never taken a honeymoon.
Out of 24 years, we have dedicated our life to our
children and grandchildren.
And when I would say, honey, can we do this?
He would say, "oh no, you get something else to do it.
Get your friend or get one of the children to go with you."
But he actually have taken me to the movies.
We go out to dinner.
He come take me to lunch by surprise,
and he send me flowers and not only that,
he put candy on my bed.
I love him so much.
He has found the fountain, what do ya'll think?
He got some skills.
Yeah, he got some new skills for sure.
Lamar, you care to enlighten us at all or--?
I think she said it all.
Okay, all right.
Eric and Jessica, skills what types of skills have you gleaned
from being a part of the couples program?
Skills?
We now validate each other's feelings,
and it's almost--it's just so nice to be able to like
put a name on a feeling 'cause, you know,
we would get aggravated with each other and I wouldn't know
that he was hurt.
I would think he was just angry.
He wouldn't tell me, but I was the other day I was kind of
aggravated with him and he was aggravated with me.
He said, "well, it hurts my feelings."
And I'm like, oh, that changes everything.
You know, I'm hurting your feelings, that makes me want to,
you know, I'm sorry.
But that and like with our son, he also,
we're all calling out our feelings all the time.
My son's like, "I'm hurt, I'm angry."
I mean we're just like, that's how we do it and, you know,
we just, we're very expressive in naming our feelings,
and our son's he's real good about doing that also.
He is very good about explaining exactly how he feels,
and I feel like we have helped him with learning these tools.
We have a sheet of paper, we keep it close by and it has
all the feelings, you know, that we're feeling
and I'll look at it.
I'm like, how am I feeling right now?
And I can tell ya, I can tell ya.
And then we also have learned skills about just like with our
son, a whole lot of parenting skills that I didn't really know
how to be a parent without using drugs and alcohol.
And then you take the drugs and alcohol away and now
I'm supposed to be a parent?
And you know I have all this hurt and guilt,
and I have to say that one day after class, Brooke,
Ted and Andrew Boone, they stayed after with us for almost
an hour and probably longer than that, and they really helped us.
I mean the passion they have for their job,
and the way that they validate each other's feelings while
they're teaching us, it's like I'm watching them do it and it
becomes, it just becomes--it's a lot easier for me to see
somebody doing something and then to learn it that way.
But they really broke some stuff down for us and really helped us
'cause it was on parenting, and we had a lot of problems
with parenting because Eric was taking care of our son,
and then I'm back in the picture and I'm--I have all this guilt
and I'm wanting to give him everything 'cause I feel guilty.
Eric would say no to something, and I wouldn't back him up
and that caused a lot of strain on our marriage.
And so now we back each other up.
I'm not, you know, he can come to me.
He can't play us against each other anymore.
And so but they helped a whole lot with him seeing
my perspective on how all the feelings that I'm carrying
around and then for me to see how he was feeling.
So I can go on and on about skills.
We have lots of skills.
You know, we've definitely try to work at validating each
other's feelings because, and then and to take it
to another level, it's like, somebody in our house,
it's--can feel a certain way and then you can reaffirm their
feelings without placing blame.
You know what I mean?
And that's a--that was a toughy because,
you know the reason that things are happening is because of,
right?
But there's--it's all in just tweaking them words just
a little bit, you know?
And you can change the whole meaning of that,
and you could take something that is like I call it
shooting arrows, you know?
You can shoot arrows all day, you know,
or you can change them words just a little bit
and you can turn it into some love, you know,
and it makes a big difference and they perceive it,
my wife or my son.
And I'm not the best at it, you know,
but I'm a work in progress.
But they perceive it totally different,
and they can actually hear you, you know?
And it brings us closer.
You know, and it's like we placed like more value on what
I'll call healthy relationships, you know healthy marriage
and honesty and trust, you know?
And that was the stuff I had some issues with there for
a little while 'cause I felt like I was playing detective,
you know, when we were struggling.
And I don't do that no more.
And you know I trust my wife.
And that's, you talk about just huge burden off of ya,
just being able to trust your wife, you know, and really,
just trust her.
And there's--we were real open.
Everybody's real open.
They can say what they want, you know?
We have little family meetings, you know,
and we try to do stuff together, you know,
on a regular basis to help set up a healthy environment
at home.
We try to have dinner at the dinner table, you know,
turn the TV off.
We might throw a little slow jazz or something like that on
in the background, but we don't and my kid, he loves to dance.
We have dance night, you know?
He choreographs, we do what he wants to do.
He's got--anyway, we just come back from Florida last week
on vacation, wonderful family vacation,
but he's like and it's the first time we really got to get away
together as a family that we didn't have to cram it
into a weekend and it wasn't like at an amusement park.
We went to the beach.
It was nice.
We experienced a week together, it was just wonderful.
And our son, oh, he was doing, song come on,
he's doing this snapping routine and he just learned how to snap
like 2 weeks ago.
I'm thinking, what would we have done if he didn't know how to
snap, you know, because we did this all week.
I mean it's just, we have a lot of fun together.
He's playing football, you know, we're at practices,
games together and it's like, it's just we're always doing,
we're a pretty close-knit family.
And the skills though, I will say this it's like it's kind of
a like a pebble in a pond.
It's touched everybody in our family, you know?
Pretty cool, you know?
If he cries one more time.
I know, man, it's crazy.
No, I'm trying to hold myself together.
I just got a lot of love.
How can I do this?
My next question is one that's specific.
There've been a number of people beyond this room that don't see
the value of these programs for men.
Have ya'll seen or heard that?
And so what I'd like to do is pose a question for the men
to respond, are these programs worth--do they help men in their
role as husbands and fathers?
And I'll start with you, Francisco.
Okay, the first thing was I realized using these tools,
you know, the most value for me is practicing.
In this time you need to see results and when you see
changes, you are very improved to you to go ahead.
And when I was to the program in the first class,
I see changes in my communication with her.
And I realized that what is too hard to men to go to these
kind of programs if these programs shows results?
It works.
And for me from that day until today,
I have a [speaking in Spanish].
A worry or a focus.
Yes, I want to help mens to realize that it's very important
for the man to take the first step to go to these programs
because there are as Roberta and Pete said,
when the men take their place in the family,
all things go through their right place.
And for me as a men, it's great to see okay, Vivi come on,
we're going to this course.
My kids, okay, we're gonna practice this at home.
We use the tools on the breakfast and the lunch
and the dinner with my children, and I took the first step.
And it's really great when you see me like a man,
or every man here to take the first step,
the results in your family.
It's incredible.
Everything goes to the right place.
The kids go in the school great.
My relationship is great.
My finances, great.
My health, great.
Everything go to the--you understand me, right?
Okay.
The second one, after that, I say to my wife,
I want to teach these every single man that I came and that
I have an opportunity, why?
Because if this was in my family,
it was in another families.
And after the class, after the 6 weeks,
we are very exciting about that and since that until today,
we can share these tools with almost
2,000 peoples in the super groups, classes, counseling.
And I know we are touching, we touch like
2,000 different families in the Hispanic community
south Florida, and I see the difference in the many, many,
many homes when the men take the place that he need to take,
and that's the most--everything is in the right order, you know?
Everything, I my role, I know more important than her,
she's no more important than me.
We are the same people with different responsibilities,
different roles in the family.
And for me, as a man, is really to--I appreciate to be in this
specific program because for many years, me and my wife,
we're trying to take education, to take knowledge,
[speaking Spanish] about the marriage, about the family.
We are how to do that?
And after the first classes, we get the peace that we really
needed because most of the relationships broken for bad
or not communication.
Ninety percent of the relationships are broken for
noncommunication and we--when we communicated in the right way,
the things go smooth, go really good and go like everyone wants.
You want to be a--to have a good relationship, a good family,
but for me and for the whole men that I'm gonna be in front every
single day, I say, hey, you need to be a good husband.
You need to be a good father.
You need to take the place that you need to take it because
that's the right way.
And after the first classes, the most important value for me
is this is practice.
You did it, you get results, then you get another skill
and you get results and that improve you to do it.
Okay, and for men, every single people in front of me, I say,
hey, you need to take your place like a man.
And I agree with Roberta and Pete about the important of
the fatherhood for this nation.
This is our last question, by the way,
and the question is for the men.
There are people who believe that these programs are not
helpful or useful for men.
And the question is, has this program helped you as a husband
and a father and how has it helped you?
I think the program has helped me--well, it's obvious,
you heard my wife as a husband,
and I hope I'm getting better at that.
It's a work in progress.
As a father, of course, my, all my children were grown
before I started into any of these classes,
but I feel that it's--I've tried to raise my sons in the best way
that I knew how.
Some of the two that I have now I didn't have when I was raising
them, but at least now I can make some corrections because my
sons, I've got two sons that are grown, and they have children.
They have sons and daughters.
I still have a big influence in their lives,
so I would like to think that this program is helping me
correct some of the things that I may have done wrong or some of
the decisions that I made when I was raising my sons because
they still listen to me.
And you know, it's important that they follow the correct
direction in raising their families because one of my sons
is in a marriage that he seems to be doing well.
My other son is going through--he's going through a
divorce right now but, you know, we're all family and we try to
do the best to help one another, and we still support them,
you know, in any way that we can so I feel like a lot of
the skills that I'm learning in the programs that we're getting
First Things First are helping me to help them.
Eric?
The program I think with men we got too much pride sometimes,
you know?
And I--one of the greatest men in my life is my dad
and awesome dad.
I got brothers, and he's just overachiever, great role model.
He's just a super, super guy.
But a program like this would only benefit him and but,
he would never go to something like this, you know?
And so if--and I used to think to myself if I can be half
the dad that my dad is then I'm--I'll be doing great,
you know, because I put my dad way up here.
And I know with this program, that I got an opportunity to
maybe give my son more than my father gave me.
You've heard our goal was to have them share,
and I think they've share
and I think they've shared wonderfully.
It is a true testament that when people speak from the heart,
it all comes out right.
They all said something about being nervous.
I don't think I felt anything of nervousness here.
I would definitely want to express individual thanks to
Seth, to Deborah and to Ted for the programs that represent
your programs and the work that we're doing.
I would definitely also want to thank OFA for making all of this
possible, to be very frank and honest with you.
And so I just want to say thank you to you guys as well.
And last but not least, Francisco, Vivi, Leah, Wanda,
Lamar, Eric, Jessica, just want to say thank you all for sharing
also, and just giving a piece of yourself here
while you're with us.
And I just want to, again, thank everybody for participation
in this discussion as well.
Hope it was worthwhile and looking forward to the next time
we get together.
All right, I'll turn it back over to Geneva.
Thank you.
And wasn't I correct?
Patrick, you're outstanding.
Thank you so much.
Couldn't do it without you.
Now we're going to take a few minutes to transition.
We have one more panel of couples to join us,
and so we're gonna ask the couples that are up here now to
take their seats back in the audience and the next set
of couples to come up.
And just give us a couple of minutes to transition,
everybody, and we'll get started with our next panel,
which we're really excited about called reentry and beyond.
And Lisa is going to take over for us from OFA.