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Tonight, I'm taking my show to Essex
with guest stars Olly Murs
and Joe Thomas
and I will be going undercover
as fashion guru, Kiki.
Hello, Essex!
Welcome to Hit The Road Jack.
Tonight, we are celebrating Essex.
It is going to be reem!
Now, tonight, this is coming
to you live from Liquid.
Oh, yeah.
One of Basildon's
premier nightclubs.
This place is incredible.
I love Liquid.
This is my kind of club, I tell you.
Some of the drinks offers
they have here are incredible.
You buy two Jagerbombs,
they give you
the morning after pill for free.
That is amazing.
The women of Essex,
you are stunning.
You are stunning.
Statistically, the women of Essex
have the biggest ***
in the whole of the UK.
Although, if you count men as well,
I'm afraid Glasgow overtakes you
by a considerable margin.
We're here tonight in Bas Vegas.
Now, this is a real party town.
This nightclub, I saw outside,
New York, New York.
Now, I saw that and I think
it is now my life's ambition
to go to New York
and open a nightclub
in the heart of downtown New York
called Basildon, Basildon.
That's my dream.
One day
"Hey, Hank.
You want to go to that
new cocktail bar, Basildon Basildon?
Yeah! This cocktail's amazing.
What's it called? Snakebite.
That is awesome.
But Essex has got some hidden gems
as well.
Did you know this?
There is a secret
nuclear bunker in Essex.
Nice way of keeping it
secret there, Essex.
I've never had to keep a secret
nuclear bunker secret before
but I imagine the first thing
on my to-do list wouldn't be
a *** off sign saying
secret nuclear bunker.
Thank God you weren't
hiding Anne Frank.
I love the idea of Essex
having a secret nuclear bunker.
Just like in the midst
of a nuclear holocaust,
the missiles flying over,
exploding everywhere.
David Cameron, Nick Clegg, legging
it down to the secret nuclear bunker
at Kelvedon Hatch, only
to get stopped on the door,
"Sorry, mate.
No women in your group.
"Pull a mangina? Already done.
"
"I was going to say,
"call your wife.
" "But I put
a vajazzle on it and everything.
"
Essex, the home of
the BAFTA award-winning,
The Only Way Is Essex.
It got a BAFTA! I know!
That's like Greggs
getting given a Michelin star.
For Christ's sake!
My favourite character, though,
on The Only Way Is Essex
I say character,
he is a character, Joey Essex.
That guy is amazing.
I'm jealous of Joey Essex
cos he's always smiling, isn't he?
He makes up words,
that's what Joey Essex does.
Like reem, that's his word.
He made up the word reem.
Oh, Icarus.
You struggle with
the words that already exist,
don't go making up new ones.
And you know he's not
making them up.
You know he's having a go at
spelling words that already exist,
getting caught
and then styling it out.
"Look, I've come up
with a new word! Reem.
"
Were you trying to spell Joey again?
And he's called Joey Essex.
That's my favourite thing,
is that his name is Joey Essex.
Essentially, it's not even a name.
It's like one of those discs
you put on a dog's collar
so that if he gets lost someone
can help him get back to his carer.
His full name is Joey
The sad thing is, he did get lost
once and spent five hours tearfully
asking people for directions
to a place called Joey.
Poor guy.
Essex is all about celebrity.
Essex is, after all, said to be
the Hollywood of the UK.
What I want to know is how blinded
you guys are by the lure of fame.
I posed as Kiki,
a fashion photographer,
to find out how much people
in Essex wanted to be famous.
Who's up for some fear shots?
JJ, the lens loves you,
love it back.
Positions, everyone.
It's too much.
Out of my way, please.
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Hi, darling.
You look gorgeous.
Perfect.
You've got
the perfect look.
Perfect look.
Now, how much have you
been told about this shoot?
A little bit.
This is one of the biggest campaigns
certainly that I've ever done
as a photographer.
It's a big campaign.
It's going to be everywhere
and it's going to make you a star.
This is it.
And boom.
That is lovely.
That's nice.
The tongue, let's keep that.
Let's keep that.
I like it.
He's a cheeky
little chimney sweep.
He's my black swan, he's my white
swan I have a grey swan.
You've broken water
and you're trying to give birth
through your eyes.
Just a bit of fun.
We probably won't use that.
That That's the shot!
That's the shot! That's the shot!
I'm now going to show you a mock up.
This is going to be on every
magazine, on every billboard,
on the side of every bus
in this country.
Show me
the money.
There it is.
That is my campaign.
"Paedos, we don't all have beards.
"
Striking, isn't it?
I like it.
You're a gargoyle.
Gargoyle.
Geisha.
Beautiful.
A little geisha girl.
She's got little hoof-y feet.
An elegant tiger, a tigress,
or whatever they're called.
Catwoman but with stripes.
Show me your pain.
Nice.
There we are.
Angry.
Hello! That is lovely.
I really like that one.
Let's have a little look
at a mock-up.
Here we have it.
Boom.
And there it is.
LAUGHTER
Sorry, will this go on buses?
Everywhere.
Buses, billboards,
we've even done a deal with easyJet
to have it on the side
of their planes.
Everywhere?
Everywhere.
What's your star sign?
Gemini.
I knew it.
Red Indians say that the camera
captures part of your soul.
I want part of your soul, Tony.
Wounded.
Let's try wounded.
Nice.
What's your favourite colour?
Purple.
I knew it.
Hello! That is lovely.
I really like that one.
There is the face of my campaign.
You've got the perfect look.
I love it.
I love it.
All you have to do is sign there
and this will be everywhere
and you will be famous.
II can't sign it.
Can you urinate on cue?
If you pop your name down there,
you sign up and then we're all
What You Jem, what's
Rory, fake it.
Fake it.
Fake it.
Sign on the dotted line
and fame and fortune is yours.
So I'm signing for that?
Just there.
That, everywhere.
Buses, tube stations.
We plan to have it
at the Olympics as well.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, being
in Essex, I obviously wanted
to invite to the show some people
with a bit more local knowledge.
Now tonight, my guests are
two of Essex's finest talents,
both of whom this county
can justly be proud.
Ladies and gentlemen, make some
noise for Joe Thomas and Olly Murs.
First things first,
a little strawpedo for the boys.
Are we actually going to do this?
Chin chin.
I don't understand what we're doing.
You fashion the straw
into a little air vent
and then simply knock it back.
This is a race, though, surely?
You want to race it?
It's got to be a race
in Essex, right?
They never did this on Parkinson!
Chin chin.
On three.
One, two, three.
That is
Keep up.
You have got an alcohol
problem, mate.
That is ridiculous.
Are you all right?
Yeah, no, just a little bit
high now.
OK.
Thank you very much
for coming on the show.
We're in Liquid, of course, tonight.
Have you ever been to Liquid?
Yes.
This is my local.
I've come here many, many times.
Many, many times.
I don't think I ever pulled once
here at Liquid Envy ever.
What?!
In Liquid?! The women's loo
has a knee pad dispenser.
You didn't pull here?!
Never pulled here once.
Really?!
Never pulled here once.
Is there any advice you'd give to
any lads here tonight on the pull?
Any chat up lines?
I've got the best chat up line.
OK.
What is it? Do it on me.
I can't really do it on you.
OK.
I'll look all ladylike.
What is that? That's not a lady!
Can I get a girl out
of the audience?
Yeah, yeah.
Come here.
Do you want
to come get chatted up by Olly Murs?
Observe.
Observe.
All right, darling.
How are you?
I'm fine, thank you.
Nice to meet you.
What's your name?
Sarah.
All right, Sarah.
Are they fake eyelashes?
No.
Really?!
Yes.
Just close your eyes for a second.
Come on then.
We're off.
I've pulled.
Is that off to the disabled
toilet for a quickie,
then back on the dancefloor,
get with her mate?
Do it again?
You love it.
Now, obviously, that's the good side
of Essex, the nightlife, the party.
There is also a slightly
darker side to Essex,
which we haven't
touched upon really.
There's quite a lot
of gang trouble, sometimes.
Mr Thomas here,
when he was at school,
unfortunately got
involved in a gang
who were quite a rough crew
who competed in the first series
of Robot Wars.
There he is.
How *** is that robot?!
That's no Killertron.
It got down to the last six, Jack.
The last six?!
Yeah, sure.
Grand final.
How? Did the others just retire?
Joe, in your screen performances,
you often play people
that struggle with girls.
But when you were growing up,
were you a bit more of a lad's lad?
Yeah.
On screen, I have never been
cast as somebody who is not a ***.
I think that Robot Wars ***
will really help that.
That's going to change now.
OK, now, obviously, we're in Essex,
we have got a bona fide Essex
audience in tonight.
Oh, yeah!
And as we know, the people of Essex
love a little bit of fake tan.
Perhaps none more so than Jodie
Marsh.
There she is.
Look at her.
Oh, my days!
It's an interesting look.
I did a
little bit of research about this
and on a newspaper online forum
we found someone who'd said this.
She was called Hello Kitty 47.
She said, "Jodie Marsh is wearing
"so much fake tan that I believe
it's borderline racially offensive.
"
And I saw it and I thought
you know, maybe Kitty has a point,
but let's put it
to the test.
So we did.
That's OK.
That's OK.
Yeah, that's OK.
That's definitely unacceptable.
Four tans, no more.
Was that four?
Yeah.
No more than four.
OK, that's it for this part.
Join me after the break.
Welcome back to Hit The Road Jack.
Essex boys Olly and Joe with us
throughout the show.
I wanted on my stay to become
properly Essex,
so there was only one thing
I could do.
Beg some locals to let me
move in with them.
I put out some adverts
and we got some great responses.
Originally I was planning on staying
on a farm with a nice family,
who told me all I needed
was a caravan and a dog,
but that invitation went
up in smoke.
But of all the people who invited me
to stay,
I finally opted to stay
with the Thornhills,
who invited me into their home
and showed me how to become
a fully fledged Essex geezer.
Hello.
Come in.
As soon as I arrived
in Essex, Alex greeted me.
I'll show you up to your room.
Welcome to Essex.
Showed me to my room
and introduced me to her family.
Then asked me a question that would
set the tone for my entire stay.
You up for a pejazzle?
A PE-jazzle?
A pejazzle.
Don't you mean a vajazzle?
Mum, he's got a willy.
It's a male version.
It's a new trend.
You've got to have it.
'So with penazzles in mind,
Alex took me to her favourite spa.
'It all appeared to be
very tranquil.
'
One, two, three.
Ow!
'It wasn't.
'
Oh.
Oh, *** a ***!
We're gonna make you a star
Do all Essex men do this?
This is what everybody does.
I love Essex.
This is looking good, this.
It does.
That is well reem.
'Grooming over, I finally
had to pick my Essex outfit.
'Or "clobber".
'
I want to look like Marvin from JLS.
I quite like that one.
I like this one, girls.
Reem.
Reem.
'It was time for a ride
in a spectacular car,
'and an unprompted
game of truth or dare.
'Well - truth.
'
She's the only one who
ain't got false ***.
This is true.
Whose are false and whose aren't?
I'm false.
Both of us.
Both of yours are fake
and those are real.
I have to say, in my defence
I had mine done the day before
the Royal Wedding.
You had yours done the day
before the Royal Wedding?
What, as a celebration?
My mum baked scones, and my aunt came
round and we watched it on TV,
and I was in agony.
Wow.
Had a couple of drinks,
bit of conversation,
and I think
Alex and Benny
might actually be swingers.
"My name is Jack
and I'm visiting Essex.
"
"My name is Jack
and I'm visiting Essex.
"
I don't sound like that!
"My name's Jack,
I'm here to stay.
"
Would you like to have a threesome
with my boyfriend?
Meal over, we celebrated
the motherland.
To Essex.
Essex.
Cheers.
A massive thank you to
the Thornhill family.
Woo!
So, I spent quite a lot of time
there getting ready for a night out.
How much time do you spend
in front of the mirror
before a night out?
Just check it's still there.
Check it's still there? Yeah.
I'm about half hour.
Half hour man?
Yeah.
Max.
Five, ten minutes
in the shower.
Get out, pants ready, bosh.
Jeans, bosh.
Shoes, bosh.
T-shirt, done, mum's ironed it, out.
Bulge, bish-bash-bosh.
Dust it.
Lock.
Done.
Lot of fans into the bulge.
How does it feel to have the most
famous package in the world?
No.
It's not.
It was trending on Twitter!
It was worldwide trending
on Twitter
Worldwide trending.
Just ridiculous.
I just wear skinny jeans.
I wear skinny jeans,
like you and Joe.
What you saying, we don't
have enough to fill them?
No, I just wear skinny jeans.
Unfortunately, other areas get
looked at more than others.
It's been a thing that's been
happening for a long time.
Ever since the X Factor.
Well, no, before then.
This is you when you were young.
Well, I'm sad to say
that my time is nearly up.
Essex, you've done me proud, and
I shall miss you when I have gone.
But I want the world to know
just how ream this place is.
So as a special treat,
I've made this for you.
And Essex Tourist Board,
if you want to license it from me,
just get in touch.
Essex! A land of stunning beauty.
A land steeped in history.
A land where time stands still,
cos from what I've seen,
it's the only county
that sees 24-hour drinking
not as a law, but as a challenge.
The sun here shines
every single day.
The people are adorned with jewels
and their smiles shine
as brightly as the stars.
In Essex, you can sample
delicious local beverages.
What year is this, please?
WKD, 2011.
Essex has romance to rival Paris.
It has glamour to rival Hollywood.
And one explosive nightlife,
mainly due to the local gangsters.
It's a place that has
everything you'll ever want.
So I say you can screw Wales,
Essex has got its own language.
Positive.
Like, no way! Shut up!
Shut up!
You can screw Ireland.
You can walk
through fields and *** here too.
You can screw everyone
when you come to Essex.
Thank you, Essex.
You've been amazing.
Please give it up
for the wonderful Joe Thomas!
Olly Murs!
Valerie Thornhill!
And to the wonderful people of Essex
in my wonderful audience tonight!
But to play us out tonight,
it's Olly Murs!
Ladies and gentlemen, I got
a special treat for you tonight.
To sing to you lovely ladies,
my friend Olly!
Let's go!