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I started with voice because it's...
it's the easiest thing to do, as far as financially, and
you know, in a way, it's not a permanent change.
It's just... You're expanding and learning new techniques, but
there's nothing physically that really changes that much. It's just...
You're gaining new abilities, but...
Whereas, the hair removal is, you're permanently losing hair.
You know, you take hormones, you have some permanent changes, so...
It's a good place to start, I think, and the way I look at gender, it's a very social thing,
whereas sex, I look at that as a very physical thing, the makeup of your body, but
gender is, you know, a lot about the way we communicate with the world, so
that's why I think voice is a key part of that.
And there is really no shortcut to it. You can't...
You can't really get good results through surgery, or...
And hormones do not decrease the size of your vocal chords, so it just takes,
you know, a lot of practice, and...
You know, nobody is two people, you're... you're just yourself, so...
It's just a matter of being able to express yourself, so
there's times when I feel, like really restricted, like I can't express myself, and then
I'm trying to move toward a point where I can just express myself all the time, so...
It is more comfortable for the people who've known me for a while
to use, you know, what they're comfortable with.
So it's always a little difficult to...
to make those changes with people who already have known you for a while, so...
I think anyone who really cares about me as a person and wants me to be happy,
will eventually... especially after it's over, you know...
I don't think it will be as big an issue, but
in terms of coming out, it's always going to be an issue, like
even after I've gone full-time, there's...
there's coming out to people that you used to be male, like, it's...
There's never a time where, you know...
There's always that information, whether you're, like me, before full-time,
telling people that this is what you're going to do, or
after you've gone to full-time, you have to worry about, you know, people finding out.
When do you tell them that, especially relationship wise, when do you tell somebody.
You know, I had those...
those same dreams of just having a completely female body.
I think that was part of the struggle is,
that's not really possible to be like a genetic female.
So that's kind of, something you have to deal with,
that fact that you're never going to be there.
It's always going to be, do you want to do what it takes to get close to that, but...
I think socially it was a lot more important for me to transition
than the physical aspects of it, but
as far as when I can pin it down...
I mean, it really wasn't something I could pin down for sure until
I felt like I dealt with every other issue that was in my life, like
my spiritual side, like I did a lot exploring, and finding out who I was,
until I was pretty sure that, you know, that this was something I wanted to do.
So in a way, I'm...
I'm grateful that I went through that journey of.. of self-discovery to really
improve myself as much as I could, and I was at the most stable and
best place I could be in my life at the point I decided to... to transition, where it's...
If I tried to do this when I was 18 years old, or
I mean, if I even knew enough about it to... to do that,
'cause I felt a little bit sheltered as a kid.
Eventually, there came a point where I just felt like,
I don't want to wait anymore, I... I think it's the right time, and just move forward.
I'm not really interested in a relationship.
I think it's, at this point in my transition,
it would be very difficult to be in a relationship, so...
I could see it years from now, maybe, but...
At the same time, the importance of a romantic relationship has changed for me,
where it used to be, you know, all important to me, when I was younger.
It was something that could make me happy, and now...
now I'm finding more happiness in my own life, so
it's not as necessary for me, anymore.
If you're in a good relationship with somebody, and you want to date them, and
that stuff happens, it's great, but it's definitely not the center of my life, anymore.
It's just... If it happens, it happens. If not, then I'll be fine anyway, so...
I haven't had any negative experiences yet. I don't know...
It's like, to some extent, I still feel like people see me as, you know,
just a... a guy who's cross-dressing, so you know...
I think once I get further down the road and
I've taken hormones and changed my name and...
I think where you can get into trouble is where people feel like the ambiguity,
like they can't pin you down, whether it's from your voice is different, or
you know, things like that, so...
I mean, I pretty much just role with... with the way people react to me, so
if people are treating me as male, I don't like try to fight against that, or
argue with them.
But at the same time, I've haven't had any real discrimination because of,
like if I wore dresses or things like that, so...
Society wants there to be that binary of: your this way, or that way.
Maybe I'm just a unique individual, but
I know people who don't consider themselves at either end, or don't want to be.
For me, I feel very free just to be myself.
For me, it's like, I feel sorry for people who... who have to live in that world, so
like...
If none of you consider yourselves transgendered, like
you have a lot of pressure to fit in those roles, too, it's like...
For a male who wants to do certain things, you know, there's...
there's not going to be a lot of acceptance,
and the same thing for a female who likes to do certain things
that are not considered female, so...
One of my biggest loves is games, and video games.
That's typically... typically dominated by men, but I mean...
At the same time, when I look at myself and my qualities,
there definitely more on the feminine side, but you know, it's not like...
I'm definitely not in the really girly area, so...
And I almost never fall in the very manly area.
I will say that emotional health has been a very interesting thing, because
dealing with emotions is something that
men and women tend to deal with things differently, and
up to this point, I've dealt with emotions in a very masculine way,
which is not expressing them, so I'm...
I'm hoping that through this process, I can express my emotions better,
and not feel like I have to just, you know... 'cause, I mean,
that's typically the way men are supposed to behave,
and I don't feel like it's healthy to do that, to just like...
If you feel sad, or you know, almost any emotion, you just sort of not express it.
So I don't know if hormones will change that,
the way I express emotions or feel them, but
I'm hoping, whatever this transition does for me, that will be a big thing,
just being able to emotionally express myself.