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I’m Brian McShane adventure extrodinair
I’ve explored the tunnels of Chucky Cheese’s
I was dishonorably discharges form my fathers ***
And every Thursday I buy crickets from the local pet store only to set them free
I’m into the wild yet again
navigating myself throughout the lonely sands of the Michigan dunes
and its deep surrounding forests
Once again I am without food, water or a fortune teller to explain my fate
So sit back and let me take you on a ride
Because I am Brian the Adventurer
I’m traversing through one of the watery gates that guard rugged Michigan
from settlers from inferior states
Like Indiana or the wretched Ohio
But mostly Ohio
Now, modern science will tell us that the glaciers melted to form these lakes
Although modern christians maintain the belief that it is the handprint of god
Surrounded by a pool of lies
It’s deep enough for me to dive in but you need to be carful
or you can really f**k yourself up
It’s actually quite shallow
I’ve always wanted a Bay Watch type scene
I’ll be ready, I’ll be ready…
Alright, Ok, back to the adventure
This is a ruthless land
Not to be confused with West Virginia
The elements here are very extreme and I have 30 miles to travel
I need to start immediately
And I’m quite certian there is sand in my ***
I hope that one day it makes like a clam and turns into a pearl
In my ***…
With daytime temperatures reaching over 100 degrees
and nighttime falling stiffly at about negative 5 at some points
this prettily little yellow flower is my only friend
Although I don’t know what its called, I will use this flowers chemical properties
to make an energy team brought to my attention by the Smokesummore tribe back in 66
This is called Tinkerbells deflowering
You can see the the head is wilted and sorrow
Yeah no, these aren’t poisonous, yeah there good
A decent blend of Michigan finest
I made a quick fire to start our boil
The tea must be blended over and over and exposed to heat to release the natural qualities
of the herbs
Said boiling shall also rid this aqua water h2o of its parasites and past misfortunes
This is just great
Right down the gullet
The effects of this tea hit me very quickly
Although I don’t think it was the energy boost I was looking for
Aaaa ahhh owww owww aaaa ahhh owww owwww
I don’t know what the f**k just happened
But I’m as hungry as a beaver deprived of wood
So I’m off to collect some more water and set some traps to find my din din
Out here in this beloved desert there is really nothing to eat
But that doesn’t mean there aren’t critters around here that we can catch and eat
Now when making something like this its important that you get it just high enough up
You want to take you prey and get them completely off the ground
Your going to disorientate them just in case you come back
…you don’t want to come back to a mongoose because they will be a little bit upset
Thats how I got this right there
Mongoose catching in south Whales
It’s very important that you get them very high
(*** rip)
…off the ground
(coughing) this is cashed mate
Its’ like a lasso
We’ll leave that rite here
Anything that ttys to get up in here is going up in that tree
Then going rite down in my belly
This sand radiates a heat like any other
Between the temperature and lugging around all this gear
I’ve worked up an incredible thirst not only for life but the source of it
Aqua water H2o
The only way to rehydrate without any natural sources is by distilling my urine
The idea is to make an area moist then cover it with
a water proving layer to condense the water within to form on the plastic
and drop into this abandon party cup
It may sound disgusting
but the science behind this meths has save many humans lost upend there way
in stride for adventure
Alright time to check on these traps
F**king really?
I can’t believe it
It appears that I have caught an.. ummm
a Monkey
Lets cut this poor *** down
Cut the camera
In the meantime my natural still should of produced some water
which is more important then food, sleep or sex
Well maybe not sex
Now that I’ve let this bake a little in the sun
I should have some delicious drinking water
And there is no way i f**ked this one up
When its clean is clean
and when I’m right I’m right
I’m wrong
I’ve done this incorrectly
With the days misfortunes residing in my mind I’ve track back to the beach before turning
in
to whiteness true beauty and to bring my sprits up
Water as far as I can see
This is nice though, it kind of remind me of when my father
took me to the beach for the first time
That was down in Naples
He died that day
Your not the boss of me nature
Whoever said time heals our wounds
has obviously never had their father ripped from their grip by a mangey manatee
Sea cow my ***
I need to get back home soon before the sun falls into the water and burns out
It’s getting colder
As the stars come out my appetite shows its ugly face as well
I shot a rabbit today
One year ago
I froze it and brought it with me
It’s going to absolutely delicious
Hugh Heffner would shake his wrinkly old *** hand at me if he knew
what his favorite student was eating tonight
You have to make the bunny very hot or else it won’t
satisfy a growing boys needs
Whats up now doc?
Unfortunately I couldn’t keep the fire burning hot enough leaving this meal severely undercooked
This is true bravery
I have diarrhea and I’m atempting to fart
I’m currently fireside
In the sand
Ready for a long night
I firmly affixed my adult sized diapers to my body
Will I have a good night?
It all depends
Till next time
Day breaks and I make my early hustle to the forest
I’m moving fast
Faster the Steven Hawkings
He can’t hold a match to me
Literally
After some time walking we have arrived here at the bottom of this forest
Over this dune we shall go
At the end of that there shall be a lush forest and salvation will lie
I’m not going to go up over here its a little to steep
The insurance companies have found me un-insurable
I would of tackled that mountain but I had a bad experience with a dune Yetti years back
My HMO doesn’t cover Yetti
Like any good survivor being a good orientationist is the best asset you can have
Its no east gig trying to walk a straight line in difficult terrain just like this
This is uhhhh…
Not a forest?
In fact its quite similar to a mirage
Its near identical to the *** hole that I came from
I’m starting to get the idea that this compass doesn’t work
And I sent in 12.. read it…
12 proofs of purchase from my Dunk-a-Roos to get this mother f**ker
I’ve made it to the forrest finally with little energy and no water
and a terrible rash which is debatable between local plant life
or our 2 day layover in Miami
It’s time to loose some weight and do some exploring
I had a vision last night, what some might call a dream
The ghost of Charlton Heston came to me and told me that
real men don’t need guns
We can do things with our bare hands
All we need is two hands
Boneset teas was one of the home remedies used in the 19th century
The Menonomies used it to reduce fever
The Alabamas to relive stomach ach
The Creeks for body pain
The Earicoys for fever and colds
and the Slapahoes for summoning lightening and rainbows
Owwwww
I f**king nicked myself with this bloody knife
Hey off camera survival expert navy seal zen Buddhist garden man?
Yeah, the names Andrew
Right
Hey, do you think I could trouble you for a band aid?
Sure
Safeties important
Jesus Christ!
My crew has just informed me that we have stumbled onto the set of Man vs Wild
Starring Bear Gryls
You can see he’s over there working his accent
After I stole a sandwich from Bear’s trailer I had the energy to continue onward
Although most trees in this forest are quite healthy some can fall ill
This tree here has grown what we like to call Gonatreeya
and a bad case of the hazelnut rash
I needed to regain my focus
So I’ve decided to take a moment and practice some of the Woo Shoo Tie Chii forms
I learned wile living in Chen Village
The Chen style is all about power and grace
and I can feel it bursting from my adventure sprit
On my quest for firewood Ive walked into a natural maze
Here there are no sudden turn to mix you up
only your mind and its confusing with all thing identical
In a way its like China
Its defiantly not the place you would like to play pin the tale on the cheetah in
Hikers got lost in this same forest in 2008
They spent 3 weeks in turmoil lost in a sea of redundancy
When found it was evident that they resorted to prudencey
Then *** activity
And eventually impersonating FRED until they all committed suicide
This is not right
I’m Brian McShaneeeeeeeeeeeeee
And I don’t want to meet their same fates
I need to get back to camp before the sunlight deserts me
After spending almost all day in a labyrinth of wood
I can rejoice knowing I’m about to set their brothers on fire
This incendiary mound I’m crafting is strictly for warmth
Without any hunting or trapping, tonight I’ll go hungrier then anyone in Detroit
This is difficult
I believe I’m only a few hours away form my target destination
I’ve come to far to give in to the trying will of this forest
I’ve scouted ahead and have found an extreme vertical drop off
and at the bottom of that drop off lies a stream bed that I can use as an easy street
home
Now in order to make my way fatly down this decline
I will employ my repelling skills I obtained wile serving as an extra on ABC’s “LOST”
I never got paid!
Maybe the check is in purgatory?
Or maybe I’m dead!
Holy f**k!
I remember doing this as a child
I used to spulunk into the sewer systems
The last time I went this far down
Was with your mother
What I am about to do is very dangerous
One should not attempt this unless you are a professional
Like myself
Alright well anyways
Glad I got that out of the way
Spent about 3 hours sweating that one
I’ve made my way into the ravine now and I intend to follow it
as long as it takes to get me out
This is truly a sign that I’m at the threshold of mankind’s home
Now this river here tell me that civilization should be just around the bend
I can hear a highway
Some people have always had trouble distinguishing a highway from the sound of crashing waves
There similar but uniquely distinct as individuals
There must be a freeway nearby or at worst a Nascar track
Either way this must be the end of my journey
Lets go home!
It’s been most excellent to have you join me
For now this is Brian the Adventurer signing off
Are you f**king serious?