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ZOSKY: Kaput, did you remember to bring that video back?
KAPUT: What? The Bikini Wax Beach blanket Bingo?
ZOSKY: Thats the one. KAPUT: (CHUCKLES) No.
ZOSKY: There it is, Videostar!
KAPUT: Oh, why dont we drop it off while were here! (CHUCKLES)
The inhabitants of this station are nuts about the movies.
Well, what say we serve them up a little Technicolor slaughter!
(LAUGHING)
Hey, a future slave.
Hands up, or Ill kick your a...
ZOSKY: (IMITATING CAPTAIN KIRK) What is... happening to me... Im... Im... stuck!
KAPUT: Me too. I can barely... talk!
REMOTE SON: (LAUGHS) Funny!
Fast-forward.
Rewind.
Pause.
And of course, Stop.
Welcome to Video Star! How do you like things so far?
Here lemme show ya. Ill put that remote control...
Resistance is futile.
(KAPUT EXCLAIMING IN FRUSTRATION)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Have we done it?
Are we masters of the planet?
ZOSKY: Dream on.
Prisoners without crisperizers, more like it.
Im not dreaming, Im optimistic.
Its one of my better qualities!
(REMOTE CONTROL BEEPING)
BOTH: Huh?
FATHER-REMOTE: Well, well, here we all are together.
Lets watch a movie.
Were surrounded, Sarge!
Its curtains unless we call in the reinforcements.
What reinforcements? Hey, and stop calling me Sarge!
Dont you get it? Were inside their T.V.
We gotta be good or theyll erase us.
Gimme a grenade.
Doh! Watch out. Those things are dangerous.
You only get to count to six before it explodes!
Dont worry. One... Two... Three...
( SCREAMS)
Take that, maggot-faces!
ZOSKY: Oh no.
-Four, five, six. -(EXPLOSION BOOMS)
This sucks. Who wrote this movie anyway?
Daddy, your war movies are all boring.
A love story.
Oh, hes so handsome.
Think hes going to kiss her?
(EXCLAIMS IN SHOCK) Kiss? Who me?
Id rather be erased.
(MAKES KISSING SOUND)
(KAPUT EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
(BOTH SHOUTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
SON REMOTE: This bites big time!
You wouldnt understand. Its about love.
Now, now, children.
My turn. Okay, a documentary on trout fishing.
This time, make an effort, try to at least look like a fish.
Im a tyrant, not a trout!
Oh really, because youre acting like youve got the brains of bass.
-(KAPUT SIGHS) -(ZOSKY GRUNTS)
(KAPUT EXCLAIMING IN ANGER)
Stop fidgeting, there, small fry.
Ill let you go!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
An old fashioned burlesque movie, theres nothing to beat that.
(FAMILY LAUGHING)
Bravo! Bravo! Now thats entertainment.
(DAUGHTER CHEERS)
You liked it? So were free? We can go?
Out of the question.
The wife adores you.
And when she adores a movie, she can watch it thousands of times.
(FAMILY CHUCKLES)
(BOTH SNORING)
Okay, heres the plan.
Operation Romeo can begin.
ZOSKY: Love of my life! Sweetie-pie.
Hello, little princess.
Let us out of here and you shall know true love.
Ha? Oh.
You are my true love.
Ive been waiting so long.
(CHOKING) Me too.
(DAUGHTER EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)
(SCREAMING)
Dad!
(ZOSKY GRUNTING)
Pop that tape and pull my batteries.
Theyre kidnapping our daughter.
(SCREAMING IN ANGER)
Its all over, Zosky. Theyre gonna erase us.
No. Look. Theres one button left. Eject.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Oh, love of my life, I forgive you.
And Ill never forget you.
KAPUT: The end. Farewell VideoStar.
All things considered, I thought I was pretty good.
Ive got the mug, the physique.
What do you think my chances are as an actor?
KAPUT: In the movies, forget it?
As a cartoon, maybe,
but even then, were talkin strickly Saturday morning.
ZOSKY: "...and then Kaput obliterated everything in sight and thats how
"he and Zosky saved the universe once again. The end."
Mm. Good night, ösky.
(ZOSKY YAWNS)
ZOSKY: Goodnight, Kaput.
(BOTH SNORING)
Kaput, Planet Harmony!
Imagine, with a name like that, dominating themll be a cinch.
Zosky, I do believe were about to write another chapter
in the great book of our lives.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS PLAYING)
You think these guys are as crazy as they look ?
On behalf of the whole orchestra Dadio, allow me to present this baton to you.
On this planet, discord has ruled for far too long.
We need a maestro to restore harmony.
What you need is a real...
...conductor.
Yeah, yeah, thats exactly what we need, Jack.
Okay, heres a little lullaby my mother used to play for me.
(MUSIC STOPS)
(LOUD MUSIC BLARING)
I cant take it. Stop that right now.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BOTH ARGUING)
Please, please, no more fighting.
This has got to stop.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Maestros, your bath is ready!
Slave! This water is cold!
Hot water! Quick!
Not too hot, Maestro?
Slave! My drink is warm!
Ice cubes!
Not too cold, Maestro?
(KAPUT CHUCKLES)
ZOSKY: You, over there, come here!
Play a little soft music.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(ZOSKY EXCLAIMS)
(GROANS)
(GIRL LAUGHING)
Now, thats music.
Thats not music? Thats noise !
Why dont I just scratch my fingernails on a chalkboard?
-Snob! -Ignoramus!
Maggot!
(CHAOTIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Maestro, you must do something.
You must bring back peace and harmony to the orchestra.
Talk to him, hes the peacemaker.
Okay, whos got a complaint?
-Huh? -What a groovy idea, maestro.
You must render justice unto your subjects.
Your judgment will restore peace among us.
The only thing this big galute understands is noise.
Hmm! Hes just mad cause nobody ever hears him.
You know what they say, the smaller, the nastier.
KAPUT: You got something against vertically challenged people, fatso?
Youd better change your tune or Ill give you a couple of extra belly buttons.
Since you cant play together, henceforth,
you shall all play solos.
Whos first? Ow!
Whats the matter with you? Whyd you kick me?
Oops, Im sorry, I slipped.
Dah! Whens intermission, my feet are killing me?
Yeah, me too.
Bring us our throne! We like to rule while seated.
Um, er, well, you see cats,
usually, the conductor stands up to...to a...you know...
Were the conductors. We call the shots!
Next.
This cant go on.
I give it my all, I put my heart and soul into it, and every time,
these two ruin my show just by shaking their little butts.
Okay, go ahead, show us your stuff.
(STARTS PLAYING)
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
I dunno what happened.
I guess I must have slipped.
ZOSKY: You skinny tube of grease!
(BOTH ARGUING)
KAPUT: Del, Al, ösky...
ZOSKY: What?
KAPUT: Why are we fighting?
ZOSKY: I dont know, I thought the music helped to soothe.
Not here, you cats.
The minute you lay a foot on this planet,
you start fighting with the guy next to you.
Thats why we need a real conductor, dadio.
Someone with authority and a sense of measure.
Who could tune us all in to one another, man.
Someone to bring harmony to Planet Harmony.
All right, all right, we get the idea.
Im going to conduct a piece thatll put you all
on the same beat once and for all.
(MUSICIANS PLAYING IN MEASURED FASHION)
(CLEARS THROAT)
(MUSIC STOPS)
(MUSIC RESUMES)
And, run!
KAPUT: I cant believe my ears. They havent made a sound since weve left.
ZOSKY: (PROUDLY) Well, Maestro Kaput, thats all because of my music.
KAPUT: You call that music? That wasnt music.
It had no bam, no boom, no bing.
You know Maestro Zosky, musics like a good slaughter.
ZOSKY: What are you talking about, Maestro Kaput?
Ah, well, you know what? I have no idea!
ZOSKY: (SIGHS) Im bored Kaput. Everything is always so predictable.
KAPUT: Yeah. ZOSKY: Wouldnt you like to be surprised one day?
KAPUT: Yeah, I was thinking...
(BOTH EXCLAIM IN SHOCK)
Huh?
Am I seeing things or did that planet just appear out of thin space?
Whats going on?
It says here were near Hocus-Pocus, the magicians planet .
It must be magic.
KAPUT: Great. 'Cause Im quite the magician myself!
Im especially good at making things disappear.
ZOSKY: (SNIGGERS) Lets go show the locals just how talented you are!
(BOTH GIGGLING)
KAPUT: Abracadabra, you maggots!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Im gonna make loads of these clowns disappear,
itll be the greatest magic show anyone has ever seen.
Careful, magicians can be crafty devils!
Discretion, Kaput, discretion.
First, lets analyze the situation, then we can decide.
(SIREN WAILING)
-Did you see it? -Do you think weve got one?
One what?
Well, if that isnt one, it sure looks like one.
Looks like one what?
Yeah. I think its probably one.
If you dont mind, one what?
Lets go show Boudhini!
(CROWD MURMURING)
ZOSKY: Kaput, help!
Dont worry, Zosky!
They probably think youre some kind of god!
(MUFFLED GROANING)
So, Majesty? Do you think weve got one?
Of course youve got one!
He is a true god!
Prostrate yourselves before him, ya piles of crud!
Let us consult my father!
He had one in the old days.
Silence!
Yes! Not a shadow of a doubt, he definitely is.
Thats what Ive been saying. Nobody ever listens to me.
-By the way, what is he? -A rabbit.
BOTH: A rabbit?
(NATIVES CHEER)
(ZOSKY GROANS)
What are you, crazy? Hey! You! Look at me!
Im a fearsome warrior! A mega despot!
A somewhat promising dictator! I am not a rabbit!
Let him go, you maggots!
You heard him. He said he isnt a rabbit.
Hey, Mr. Magician!
Keep him in the cage and give him plenty of carrots!
This evening, during the show,
I shall make him disappear!
-Hes gonna make me what? -(NATIVES EXCLAIM IN SURPRISE)
What is it with this rabbit thing?
There isnt a single one left on our planet!
Weve made them all disappear,
generation after generation!
(SADLY) Just like women.
They used to be our assistants.
There isnt a single one left.
Oh, really? What happened to them?
A magician never explains his tricks.
Professional secrecy.
ANNOUNCER And now, the trick youve all been waiting for!
The Great Boudhini will perform a classic that none of us has seen in years!
KAPUT: (GRUNTS) If only I had my crisperizer!
A craftsman needs the right tools to do the job right.
Say good night Kaput, soon youll be working solo.
GUARD: Two minutes, Mr Zosky!
No! You cant make him disappear.
Hes my bestest buddy!
Who will I travel through the universe with,
I mean, who will I slaughter with?
(CRYING) Zosky!
Kaput! Try to keep your dignity, I beg of you!
Fare thee well, my best ever friend.
Kaput! Do something!
-Ill figure something out! -Hurry.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(ZOSKY GRUNTING)
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
Doh! For crying out loud?
This is the best you could come up with?
No, no, thisll work. I have a plan.
So, big boy, I hear youre looking for an assistant?
But, but, how can this be?
A woman? Its a miracle!
You are such a lovely creature!
Such grace! Such beauty!
I will saw you in half immediately!
Watch and learn, ex-majesty.
Watch how a real king handles one of these.
Ill show you whos a rabbit.
Be careful!
One must know how to use one of those, or else...
Or else what?
(EXCITEDLY) Oh, oh, lemme try.
Oh, yes, much better!
Take those ridiculous shoes off, you idiot.
Hes gonna catch up to us.
Forget it!
This dress just doesnt work without the heels.
Id look totally silly.
You already look silly!
(GROWLS)
ZOSKY: Oh, I hate magic.
Did you really mean it when you said that I looked silly back there?
Well, Kaput, Miss Universe, you are not.
Though, maybe I can fix that.
Doh, are you nuts?
Doh! What have you done to me?
I want my old face back!
Dont look at me like that.