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Now look, Squeaky, I've told you before,
balloon bending is no longer
a saleable commodity.
The public want sex.
Squeaky, two round balloons
and one long thin one
does not constitute sex.
Now Squeaky, do yourself a favour,
cut your losses, kill yourself.
Sorry, Mr Filthy, but I've got
to get my bits of whatnot.
Give and take.
That's what sharing an office is all about.
Mr Filthy, about my etchings.
Now, you did say
Look, daughter, I am a dying man.
I may not live through this ***.
I am not an art dealer and if I was,
the art in which I dealt
would not be the gumption-covered
eyesores you produce in your tea break.
Oh!
Now that young lass of yours,
that Cindy,
now she is a work of art.
If she ever fancied
any lunchtime peeling,
I could get her a fiver a flash.
Over my dead body, Mr Filthy!
Yeah, you're right,
that could be a super little act.
Yeah, tr�s kinko.
Get that for me, would you, dearie?
My quack's told me to take it easy.
Hello, Ralph Filthy, media co-ordin
Get your mop out of my pending file,
you silly old tart.
Hello, yes.
Yes, now who did you want to speak to?
Yeah.
Richie Rich? You've got a job for him?
Oh, erm, yeah, yeah.
Erm, yes.
Erm
Celebrity Slaughterhouse Closing?
Yeah, very nice.
Very nice.
Now look, I can't do it
for any less than 20 quid.
All right, 10.
Done.
When do you want him?
When do you want him?
Now?
Would you believe it?
Today is the only day of the decade
that he is actually working.
Yeah, I know it sounds impossible
but he's at the BBC on
Right, my lovelies,
it's on air in two minutes
so if you could cut the chatter
for the camera line-ups?
Yes, of course,
I've known Tarby for years.
We've often performed
in the same pants.
Panto, love.
Pantomimes.
Ooh, we've done a few.
Oh, Cinders, Aladders, Dickers Whitters.
That was terrif.
My *** was fantastic.
That's an old showbiz joke.
Julian! We're two minutes to air.
Who the hell's the ugly ***
doing all the jabbering?
Name's Richie Rich.
Last-minute replacement celebrity.
Bernie Winters
got a bog roll ad and ditched.
Well, you tell him,
if he doesn't button his scabby lip
I'll get makeup to castrate
the *** with eyebrow tweezers.
He's got a teeny
Teeny weeny bit less talking,
Trevor says.
I bet Trevor put it
a bit stronger than that, eh?
Hello, Trevor, all right?
Let's make movies, you old twig.
Sit on him!
Sack him! Sack his people!
Bankrupt his company
All right, we're rolling.
So take it from the top.
That means start at
the beginning, everybody, all right?
Oh, how I love the business!
Shut him up!
All right, everybody,
we're going to have lots of fun
so don't forget your laugh
and applause cues and
Here we go.
'Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Tuesday, 6:30, and time for
'The game for all the family.
'Here's your host,
everyone's favourite mirth maker,
'Ivor Whopper! '
Thank you.
Thank you for giving me the clap.
Ah-ha-ha-ha!
And welcome one and
Welcome all!
Welcome all!
to another addition of
Ooer Sounds A Bit Rude,
the game for all the family.
And as always,
we have our usual motley collection
of the dregs of society.
Ooh! Ha-ha-ha!
Plus of course -
the only sane one amongst us -
our member of the great British public.
Close-up on the pleb.
I said close-up, not right up her nose!
Camera five,
take a good look at the job centre.
So, you are Mrs Ruth Butcher?
Close-up Ivor for the big gag.
Let's hope you get some
really meaty questions then!
Brilliant! Hit laughter.
Follow it across
to the has-beens, my darlings.
Wide shot on celebs.
Great gag, Ivor! Meaty, brilliant!
I know a good gag.
There were two crocodiles Well, nuns
Julian, tell that imbecile
to stick to the script!
I can't get to him, he's in shot!
Close-up on Ivor!
The rules of the game,
like the members of the panel -
are very simple indeed.
I read out the sentence
which sounds a bit rude
then my good friends here
have to laugh dirtily
but then have to come up
with a clean version.
For example,
"I never impress the girls
because I've only got a tiny "
Oh! ***!
Of course the answer is car.
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
Let's meet my good friends here,
these bunch of down-and-outs
who are gonna try and help Ruth win.
Good luck to her.
Good luck to her! Good gag, Ivor!
Juliannn!
Shut that gormless git up!
No unscripted spontaneity!
And now then, who have we here?
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
Billy Glitter and Huggles the Ostrich.
Close-up Billy and Huggles.
Cue music and Billy and Huggles laugh.
I'm so sad.
My girlfriend's left me.
What happened?
- She's given me the bird.
- Audience laughing.
Not the first time you've been
stuck in a bird's gob, eh, Ivor?
What is he saying?
That's not in the script! Back to Ivor!
Oh, my God, he's completely lost!
Coo-ee! Hello.
Oh, Molly, nice to see you again!
- Ha-ha-ha!
- Ooh.
I bet Bill's ostrich
isn't as well behaved as my ***.
Ivor, bring this show round,
for God's sake!
Ladies and gentlemen,
everybody's favourite
mother-in-law, Molly Slocombe!
Oh, you're so lovely.
I'd like to show you all me ***.
In fact, I can't think of anything nicer
than having you all stroking me ***.
Don't milk it.
That's the third
time you've done that gag.
And you used to do it in every ep
of that appalling sitcom.
What's going on down there?
Now then, here we have
a gay young fellow.
Heh-heh.
John,
how are you feeling today?
I'm feeling a little ***.
Oh, my favourite gag, my darling!
My favourite gag.
He's such a professional.
Nice gag! I'll keep my bottom firmly on
the seat when I'm anywhere near you!
Cut away! Cut away! What is he saying?
Don't you dare tread on
one of my laughs again!
Shut your face, you little poof.
A lively bunch we have in here tonight!
Now, Cindy, lovely to see
both of you here this evening.
I always like to keep abreast
of what you're up to, Ivor.
Good, we're back on script, darlings.
Yes, she has got ***,
but I've got a whopping great talent!
I'm Richie Rich and I'm available panto
or summer season for the rest of my life!
These two blokes go into a brothel
Support Dr Barnardo's!
I've got big mammaries.
I'm homosexual.
Isn't it hilarious?
When I say me ***, I really mean me
Get back! Back!
- Eddie.
- Richie.
- Eddie!
- Richie!
- Eddie!
- What?
Hello, barman.
Give me a drink!
What did you think about my show?
It was stupendously bad!
Thank you! Julian, you look like
you've seen a ghost!
Double Scotch for him.
How do you think the show went?
- I just lost me job!
- Sorry to hear that.
I'll try and talk to someone up top.
How about my performance?
Wasn't it special?
You ***!
Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh!
If anyone else wants to throw
their drink around, do it on me!
Hi, you lot!
Ah-ha-ha-ha!
Massive drinks for this table.
You're a lot of long faces.
It went wonderfully!
Mind if I join you?
Er Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
No, but gagging aside,
it was a super show I thought.
- Here you are!
- Drinks all round.
Look!
Ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
This is an initiation ceremony.
I'm now a Sunshine Variety golfing rat.
�15.
40, please?
Certainly, barman.
�15.
40?
I don't suppose you
Eddie, Eddie, cash, cash.
This is disgusting!
An entire tray of good pop wasted!
It's no wonder the BBC costs so much!
I'm glad I don't pay my licence!
Right.
I'm just off to see if I can
get a snog with Val Singleton.
They didn't give me a dressing room,
those BBC ***!
I had to put on my jacket in the lavs.
Oh, God, I'm disgraced.
I can't pay for my round.
I'll never be able to hold my head up
No, no.
Get thee behind me, Satan.
I mustn't.
I can't.
I
Oh, my God, I have.
Oh! Oh!
The Nolan Sisters,
my all-time favourite four-tissue fantasy.
Oh! Oh!
Mm.
Mm.
They wouldn't mind.
They probably
fancy me more than I fancy them!
Ooh!
I'm in the mood for dancing
Romancing, I'm giving it all tonight
They're in the mood for Richie
Who's not titchy
But particularly well-endowed
Oooh!
The Nolans' shower.
Wait till I tell them this
at the fan club meeting.
Do you think I'm sexy?
Yes, we think you're sexy
Sexy, wexy, bexy, wexy, sexy, bex
What do you think you're doing?
Hi! You took your time.
Strip off.
Come in.
The water's lovely and so am I.
Er
Oh, good, the shower's fixed now.
Any more problems, call Transvestite
Plumbers and we'll be straight round.
- Just who the hell are you?
- He's ruined our costume.
- Let's call the police.
- No, no, no, don't do that!
No, it was It was just a prank.
You know us immense celebrities,
jolly senses of humour.
- Immense celebrity, eh?
- If so, you must be rich.
Yep, rich and sexy!
Snap away, girls!
I can never resist a camera.
If you're so rich
and you want this film back,
get us a thousand quid by Friday
or your career's over.
- Right, girls?
- Right.
Or we sell the pic to the papes
and shop you to the police
for nicking our gear.
Now get lost while we do our song.
Yeah.
Ready? Two, three, four
Hang on!
You're not going to sing, are you?
Of course.
Why else would
we agree to be in this old crap?
The Nolan Sisters talking dirty.
Wait till I tell the chaps.
- Go away while we sing.
- We don't want you to.
We only got you because you used
to wear those tight disco pants.
And now you're blackmailing me,
I have to get on with the plot.
Thank God someone's
being professional around here!
God, that Valerie Singleton
doesn't half go.
Well, she can run
a lot faster than me, anyway!
Right, now I need a drink!
Ha-ha-ha!
Aah! Right! What shall I have
for my supper tonight?
***-all
or sweet FA?
I could go mad and have both.
The final humiliation!
Lower than this I cannot sink.
Lest fate pulls out
its finger pretty sharpish,
your old mate'll be climbing
the stairway to heaven before eventide.
- Who's that then?
- What?
Who's this old friend of mine?
Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
- You'll be the death of me.
- Well, I certainly hope so.
I'm in terrible troub.
- Deep, humiliating troub.
- Troub.
I'm being blackmailed by
the Nolan Sisters.
Blimey! That is embarrassing.
If it gets in the papes
you're being stitched up by the Noles
- you'll be a laughing stock.
- I know.
- Still, there's a bright side.
- Which is?
It'll be the first laughs you've ever got.
I do a lot of smile humour, Eddie,
people aren't supposed to laugh.
Neither are they meant
to throw things and chant,
"Get off! We've heard better jokes
on the speaking clock.
"
I take risks on stage, Edward!
I create, I improvise!
There may occasionally
be slight unpleasantness
Yes, it's called your act!
I'm storing this up, all of it!
And one day, Edward Catflap,
out of the blue, completely by surprise,
you're going to die.
Everyone'll think it's an accident
except me and the strange figure
with the chain saw.
Oh! Oh, er Ah-ha-ha-ha.
Right.
Now, where were we?
We were here.
We haven't moved.
Nice gag!
Let's have supper and decide
how to deal with the Noles.
We can't have supper!
We're broke and there's no food.
We're broke and there's no food?
- Shall I go for the echo gag?
- No! There's no time.
What will we do about those Noles?
I could've done it
by the time you said that!
- OK, then, bloody do it!
- Right.
Coo, this room's got an echo!
I don't think Little and Large
have a lot to worry about.
I'm hungry!
- Have you had the ketchup?
- Er No.
Look, we've got two problems.
No food and the Nolans.
What are we going to do?
- Eat the Nolans!
- We can't!
It'd be showbiz suicide.
And you start something like that,
you have to finish it.
There's only four of 'em and I'm starving.
No, that's not what I mean.
If we eat them, where will it all end?
We eat them, Bucks Fizz eat us.
Yes.
Brotherhood Of Man
eats Bucks Fizz.
Jimmy Osmond
eats Brotherhood Of Man.
And before you know it,
there'll just be one huge
middle-of-the-road singer left.
And Demis Roussos
will be back at number one.
It just doesn't bear thinking about.
I've got it! We shall have
to think of something else!
Brilliant!
Oh dear, oh dear.
'Allo, boys!
Anybody got a ***?
Don't worry - I'll smoke my own!
You, Filthy?
Smoke your own ***? Are you ill?
I'm always ill, Eddie, you know that.
No, I have just made a thousand quid.
With any luck I shall die
before I can spend it all,
which means I need never be poor again.
You? A thousand quid?
I don't understand.
It's just like one quid, Richie,
only there's more of them.
Try to think of it as like
a thousand quid.
Wow! That's like
Interesting bit of business, really.
This mad old bag who cleans my office
splats the odd canvas,
so I trolled up to Hampstead
and bunged one up on a railing
and sold it to this old git who thought
she was famous for a thousand quid.
Pull the other one, Filthy,
it's got balls on.
Bells, Eddie.
Bells on.
Mine's got balls on, mate.
If yours has got bells on
I suggest you seek a doctor out!
You mean the mistaken snob value
made the painting valuable?
- Exactly.
- Hmm!
'Allo.
Nasty John's
*** and Dog Fights?
Yes, I can hold.
Richie, a thousand quid
is exactly what you owe the Noles.
I know.
'Allo, Nasty John.
I hear you're putting up
a bunch of myxomatosed rabbits
against a three-legged cat.
A fiver on the moggy.
No-a fiver on each goolie.
- Richie
- Yes?
I said a thousand quid
is exactly what you owe the Noles!
I know!
I told you that in the first place!
Have you got any children
fighting today?
- Ooh! Eddie! Lock the door!
- Right!
Right, Filthy, hand over the cash
or you'll be pushing up daisies
in a concrete overcoat
dumped in the canal
getting carried out of here in a box.
- Are you threatening me?
- Just give me the cash
or so help me I'll swing for you!
I'm desperate!
Richie, please don't shout,
your mother's got very sensitive ears,
they bleed when people
ask me for money.
Filthy, just hand over the cash!
Richie's being blackmailed
by the Nolan Sisters!
He'll be shamed and humiliated!
So what's new?
That's a point, Richie.
What is new?
Enormous Derek?
Yeah, Ralph Filthy here.
Help.
Aha! Trying to call for help, eh? Right!
Yeah, two close and bona eeks
of my acquaintance are trying to rob me.
Ha ha!
Yeah.
So get your chain saw
and come down to
By a process of elimination
Right, yeah.
Have you got all that then?
Right.
Ta-ta.
There you are, Eddie.
Ahem.
Oh, damn.
Well done, Eddie!
When we need quick action,
we can always rely on you
to destroy the house.
Thank you very much.
I know! Let's kill him! Brilliant!
No, no, no.
Richie, Richie, darling,
you've got it all wrong.
The agent is supposed to rob the client.
Please don't flaunt tradition.
Remember Bulgy "No, Madam,
It's Not A Third Leg" McBulgy?
I represented him for years.
I caught him watering my whisky once -
he never worked again.
He never worked before,
he was worse than Richie.
He wasn't that bad.
No, the point is I hate people watering
my whisky and I never forgive.
I hate people peeing in my ***.
Yeah.
But you still drank it, didn't you?
That's not the point, Edward.
- Come on, kill him!
- All right.
Goodbye, Filthy Ralph.
Oh, how sharper than
a serpent's tooth it is
to have an ungrateful client.
Why do you think I came over here,
Richie darling, if not to share
with you my good fortune?
- What's mine is yours.
- Ahh
Watch out, Richie, he's got syphilis.
Come on, close your eyes
and open your hands.
Ahh!
Oh, what fun!
I remember this from school.
- My friend said, "Feel this.
"
- Steady on!
He's trying to escape.
Stop him!
No, open your eyes first!
Good idea!
Have we given up the chase idea?
No, we're just having a rest.
I'm going in!
Flush the lav! Lt'll be worth a grand
to see Eddie go down the toilet!
No, no, we need the cash!
I'll tell you something,
I'm never lending him my comb again.
I regret to say I could not see it.
Phew! That pipe whiffs
like nobody's business!
Richie, it's a sewer,
it whiffs like everybody's business.
Well, I suppose it was inevitable
if I acquired a bijou
pile of rhino it couldn't last.
I could have wished it
a more dignified end.
Anybody got anything to drink?
Filthy, this is not the attitude that wins!
When Mike Winters left Bernie
did Bernie sit on the lavatory?
No, he got a dog called Schnorbitz
and a legend was born.
It's not my problem, Richie.
I've already alerted Enormous Derek.
I've activated a highly-trained
professional killer.
Or, I've phoned a big ***
with no brain
who dresses in women's underwear
and I've got the photos.
So unless you and Eddie pay me
my thousand pounds back tonight
it's roller blinds for the both of you!
- Eh?
- Roller blinds?
Oh, sorry.
Curtains.
Oh.
Curtains.
What are we gonna do?!
Shove over, old friend!
Filthy made that thousand quid
out of that strange painting episode.
- Of course!
- Yes.
Aha-ha
Are you thinking
what I'm thinking, Eddie?
We're going to make you into
an artist, so get out your easel!
- Oo-er!
- I'm not going to rise to it.
- Come, we repair to Hampstead!
- Right.
Extra, extra!
I'm an extra!
Come on,
get your paintings here!
Well, have you sold any yet?
Hundreds, I'm sure.
I've sung
your praises all over Hampstead.
- How many have you sold?
- Um
None!
But I have high hopes for my new piece,
entitled simply "Wall"!
Until now I was blind,
at last I behold life as it really is!
Oh, God, fans.
It's a bore, I know,
but I do always say,
without fans even I would be nowhere.
Tarby feels the same and Kenny Lynch.
Bobby Davro said the same.
I said, "You are nowhere.
"
Away, imbecile!
Oh, my God, a psycho fan!
John Lennon syndrome!
Peasant, this is the art critic
Alphonse P'Farty.
Perhaps something
in this horrific collage of mental vomit
has moved his soul.
Personally it moves only my bowels.
Who is Edwardo Catflappo?
Who wants to know, fatso?
- Ahh!
- Ahh!
- Rahh!
- Rarr!
- Rarr!
- Raagh!
- Ohhh, such strength!
- Aaah!
Such anger!
My friend, you are a genius!
Oo-er!
- I intend to exhibit your vork.
- Beg your pardon?
I intend to exhibit your work.
Zoon you vill be famous.
- And rich.
- Great! How about an advance?
But of course, of course! Take, take.
Give, give, give.
In return,
perhaps I might choose that one.
That's not actually a painting,
that's my lunch.
It disagreed with me.
But you can have it for a thousand quid.
Magnificent! Have it scraped up for me
while I telephone the Gwardian.
Come, Alphonse!
It worked.
It bloody worked!
Come on, let's go and celebrate!
Raaaaah!
Hello!
It's all right, we've got money!
So this is what a restaurant looks like?
Mm! Fantastic! Try some of this, Richie!
Fantastic! I'll have five!
Okey-dokey, skip!
Ah-ha-ha-haaa!
Waiter, come here quickly
before I cause a scene!
Ah, good.
Two slap-up grills, please.
Egg, saus, bac, black pud,
bloater, onios, mushos, peasos,
chippos, buttered sliceos.
In short, two heart attacks
and a coronary care unit, please.
And an Alka-Seltzer
in an unfeasibly large brandy, please.
I'm afraid, sir, we don't do fry-ups.
Ooh!
Perhaps you'd like to see the menu?
Looks great.
We'll have the lot.
Well, me proud beauty,
we're going to have a classic nosh up!
Could I have your autograph, please?
Oh, more fans! Still, if I'm not
used to it now.
What name is it?
I heard Mr P'Farty
talking about your work.
I've never met a celebrity before.
Uh-huh-huh-huh!
I agreed with every word -
such passion, such fire!
If you want some fiery passion, baby,
you only have to ask!
Er, God bless, look after mum,
oo-er, sounds a bit rude!
She hasn't recognised you,
have you, darling?
No.
Who is he?
Ah-ha-ha.
What do you mean?
What an interesting tablecloth.
- There you go, baby.
- Oh, thank you!
Your meals come to �250 each.
Payment in advance.
Of course.
There's mine,
but I'm not paying for his.
You pay for my tea this instant,
Mr Edward Catflap!
No, you've pushed me around
long enough!
I've been scorned and ordered about!
"Do this, Eddie! Do that, Eddie!"
But you never did anything!
I wanted to be someone!
I could've been a contender.
But you were always out there in front,
pushing, barging, farting!
See who's wearing
the farting trousers now!
So up yours!
I'm not paying for your tuck!
Have you no honour?
- No integrity?
- That's a bloody stupid question.
Yes, I suppose so, yes.
- Oh!
- Oh, thank you, gar�on!
Get off and get out!
I hope you've got change
for 30 pieces of silver, Judas.
See you at my first exhibition!
- This joke won't get that far!
- The show's not that bad.
Ha!
Welcome! It gives me enorrrmous
pleasure to sit on bath taps.
No
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
It gives me, of course, enormous
pleasure to open this exhibition.
There comes to us
occasionally of a time, yes,
a force, a gift from God.
A gift of fire and passion.
Such a gift is Edwardo Catflappo.
Hello!
Everythink he produces is a work of art.
Quite bloody right!
That was my latest effort, it's called
"Belching In An Art Gallery".
OK, who wants to buy it?
Of course! Flatulence,
the only truly disposable art form!
- I bid
- 250!
Oh, come on, I was about to bid then!
- My bid stands!
- Oh!
Look, look, I'll settle this.
There you are, one each.
Leave the cash at the door.
OK, Poo Farty, the
No, P'Farty.
Poo Farty, OK.
Poo Farty.
The exhibition's open today.
I'm going to the pub.
If anybody wants to pay
to see me do it you're welcome.
Thank you and good night!
Well, my friend, it pains me
to say it but you have won.
I am consumed with discontent,
consumed, I tell you.
Despite our wager it was my hope
that I would be proved wrong.
Alas, I overestimated
the art establishment.
They will follow any fashion.
We bet that you could find
the most gross, talentless,
oikish, tosspot of a painter,
a world-class head of a ***,
and with your influence, make the public
think him an exciting artist.
Mm.
And to my shame
and disappointment, I have done so.
You owe me 20,000
of your English poundies.
Here are the English poundies.
So that's your little game!
And guess who heard it all?!
Who?
Me! Richie bloody Rich!
The price of my silence is that 20,000-
and you ending this charade
that's making my minder
more famous than me!
Huh.
Here you are.
Come, N'Bend.
"***-end"?
My card.
Alphonse *** End?
*** End and Poo Farty.
What a script.
Get out.
Let's go to some situation comedy
where they will appreciate
our lavatorial banter.
tied up into the bargain.
You never thought we'd do it in half an
hour but we did, just by being stupid.
- Come to see my exhibish?
- No, I've come to close it.
You've been the ignorant dupe
of two arrogant ponces.
I thought it was strange.
I just sold my pants for 500 quid.
Heh-heh-heh-heh!
I've just ended your career for 20 thou.
After I've paid off the Noles
and Filthy it comes to 18 thou,
of which you won't be getting any.
Enormous Derek.
Have a thousand pounds.
- Right, let's pay off the Nolans.
- No need to do that,
I've paid them off
with my burp and pants money.
Forgive me, Edward,
but it would seem a bit out of character
for you to perform an act of kindness.
Well, I haven't really
performed an act of kindness
because I still have
the incriminating film!
Er, so I'll just take my 18 grand
and we'll celebrate, shall we?
Richie, carry me back to the flat.
And no farting!
We're gonna have
the most disgusting, debauched
party!
- OK, girls, do it now!
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
I'm in the mood for dancing
Romancing
Ooh, I'm giving it all tonight
I'm in the mood for chancing
I feel like dancing
Ooh, so come on and hold me tight
Dancing
Dancing
I'm in the mood, babe
Ooh
So let the music play
Ooh, I'm dancing
Dancing
I'm in the groove, babe
So get on up and let your body sway
Ooh, I'm in the mood for dancing
Romancing
You know I should never stop tonight
I'm in the mood, I'm in the mood
I'm in the mood to dance
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Yeah, let's dance
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Come on and dance
Ooh, ooh, ooh
I'm in the mood, so baby, dance
Yeah, let's dance
Ooh, ooh, ooh
Come on and dance
Ooh, ooh, ooh
I'm in the mood to take a chance