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I'm in Wales, with guest Ruth Jones,
music from Lethal Bizzle,
and I'll be going undercover
as rugby guru Ty Graham.
I'm on the highway
and looking back
Nothing in the rear-view
I'm getting out
Pedal to the metal, 105
Coming into your town
I feel alive
Cos I'm a travelling man.
Shwmae, Wales!
Hello and welcome
to Hit The Road Jack.
Each week, a different region
of Britain becomes
the star of the show, and this week,
I have been
discovering here - Wales.
Here's what I know.
Wales.
A lot of culture in Wales.
Doctor Who is filmed in Wales.
How brilliant is that?
If Doctor Who is to be believed,
every single evil alien invasion
starts in a disused quarry
in Monmouthshire.
I think it's inappropriate that
Wales is where Doctor Who is set,
cos if you think about it, Wales is
the only country in the world
that is completely impenetrable
to Dalek attack.
They wouldn't even get over
the *** bridge!
"I don't care how many times
you shout 'exterminate' at me.
"If you haven't got Ð5.
50,
you're not coming in!"
What I genuinely want, though,
with Doctor Who
I want Doctor Who to embrace
its Welsh roots a little bit more.
For a start,
the next Doctor's assistant,
I want to be like
a proper Valleys girl.
Yeah! I want her to be
called Sian, you know?
That'll scare away
the alien invaders!
Pint of cheeky Vimto in one hand,
cocking her leg on a Dalek.
"Oi! Davros!
"You want to see something
"that's bigger on the inside
than it is on the out?"
I did think that,
as I was coming to Wales,
it would only be fair for me to
learn a little bit of the language.
So one thing I decided I would do
to impress you guys here tonight
is learn the name of that railway
station that everyone goes on about.
So ready? OK? Ready for this?
Car diff Cen tral.
What?
You didn't think I was actually
going to be bothered to learn
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogery-
chwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch?
Now, I watch Welsh sportsmen
all the time.
Admittedly, last year, it was mainly
Gavin Henson on The Bachelor,
which was an incredible show.
If they wanted to do it
with a Welsh sportsman,
they should have used Giggsy.
How
much better would that have been?
Giggsy plus 15 women, and then the
winner gets to marry his brother.
But you guys love your rugby here
in Wales, so with that in mind,
I decided I would see how far
the Welsh rugby stars of tomorrow
would be willing to go
to be the best.
I posed as an alternative rugby
guru, Ty Graham, and spent the day
training with a semi-professional
Cardiff rugby team.
Ty Graham improves your rugby!
The things I'm going to be doing
with you today are quite unorthodox,
but with the right mentality,
I think they can really
help you improve.
A good player can recognise
the beast within.
Now, this one is about identity on
the field and knowing who you are.
Who here in the group is the lion,
the courageous one, the brave one?
So say it, Josh, mate.
Say it.
Lion.
Actually, no, could you
just make the noise? OK?
Who's the lion of the group?
Roar.
Who here's the dog?
Who's reliable?
None of you are reliable?
I'm reliable.
I'll make a dog noise, or?
Yes.
Nice.
Who here is the ox?
The ox.
There we are.
I thought that might be the case.
Can you make the noise of an ox?
What's that?
It's like a horse, I imagine.
I haven't heard an ox, but
it's like .
Like that.
Yeah, that'll do.
Who's the dolphin? Who's the most
intelligent of the group?
A good team knows
each other intimately.
This here is the Ball Of Truth.
When you've got it in your hand,
I want you to share
with the group a secret.
So I'm going to start with you
there, Jimbo, if that's all right.
I have Hero by Enrique Iglesias
on my iPod.
I used to enjoy playing football
more than playing rugby.
When I was 17,
I drunk a bit too much,
and I decided I was fine
to still drive my motorcycle.
Completely blacked out, and
I hit an old guy and killed him.
Erm
I quite like the film
Love, Actually.
Take inspiration from everywhere,
no matter how unorthodox
it may seem.
What I'd like you to do is,
just join me here in the middle,
just take me there.
I want you to completely relax.
I can feel one very strong spirit.
And he says he's very proud
of you guys.
Thank you very much for going
with me on that journey.
There was one spirit
that was very dominant there,
and that spirit was
Welsh rugby legend Gareth Edwards.
How does that?
He's not dead.
Gareth Edwards?
He's still alive, isn't he?
That'd be bigger than
Diana dying in Wales.
Yeah.
Are you sure, like are you sure?
Am I sure he's dead?
I've seen him on TV.
I doubt Why would anyone
lie to me in the spirit world?
What I'm trying to say is,
if there is any celebrity that you
would like to make contact with
For a rugby match?
What about Gandhi?
What could he say that's going to
gee me up to get on a rugby pitch?
Right, what about Nelson Mandela?
He's not dead!
Nelson Mandela had that
in the film, Invictus.
I think he'd put me off my game.
Just take my hand there, please.
OK.
What I'm going to try and do now,
try and bring up Nelson Mandela.
It's not worked.
I can only get Morgan Freeman.
You're taking the ***.
I'm *** going, man!
And ladies and gentlemen,
they're here tonight.
Give it up for the rugby boys!
Good luck with your next game, lads,
and remember - embrace the dolphin!
Now, being in Wales,
I obviously wanted
to invite to the show
someone with a bit
of local knowledge.
Now, South Wales has given us
some notable Joneses.
Music royalty Tom Jones,
who was born in Pontypridd.
Yeah.
The queen of Hollywood,
Catherine Zeta Jones,
from Swansea.
And finally, Grace Jones,
who lives in Aberystwyth.
But the only Jones I wanted
to keep up with tonight is
the BAFTA-winning
writer and actress,
the undisputed queen of comedy,
ladies and gentlemen,
would you please give a warm welcome
to the wonderful Ruth Jones?
Thank you.
Ruth Jones, everyone!
Ruth, thank you so much
for coming onto the show.
It's a pleasure.
It's a huge pleasure.
Now, how proud are you
of being Welsh?
I am very proud.
I always say I'm not a nationalist,
but I'm very patriotic.
Yeah? Yeah.
I live in Cardiff, and
it's just a brilliant city,
cos it's the right size
and yet it's really friendly.
It's not too anonymous.
It's great.
I love it.
Cardiff's amaz Last time I was in
Cardiff, I went out to TigerTiger.
Oh!
I had my 40th birthday there.
Did you? In TigerTiger? Amazing.
I came out of TigerTiger
and there was a lady there
and she said that if I gave her some
chips she'd show me her ***.
Is that a regular thing,
or was that just, like, one-off?
Well, do you know
I'll tell you one thing.
You don't know the lady?
I think I might.
I think I might.
But there's one way
where you can tell
whether a Welsh girl
has had an ***.
How?
She drops her chips.
I was told that.
It's not true,
is it, girls? It's not true.
Listen to them! "Yes, it is"!
"I know there's no way I'd drop
my chips if I was coming!"
"I'm hanging on to them, all right?
"I paid good money for them chips!
I'm holding on to them.
"
One of the things I really
wanted to do to work out
what it was to be properly Welsh
was to stay with a Welsh family
whilst I was here.
So I put out an advert asking
people if they would be willing
to put me up for the night,
and we got lots of responses.
Some were very nice.
Some a little bit inappropriate.
But finally I came across
a family who were perfect.
They could teach me how
to fit in with the locals.
And this is what happened.
So, I'd just arrived in Wales.
Yes.
The Welsh are very proud
of their language.
My Welsh friend Ben had translated
a traditional Welsh greeting.
Right.
Right, OK.
Come on in, then.
Thanks, Ben!
So, I met the extended family, and
David told me what I had in store.
He explained that he wanted me
to sing with him and his group.
That's like a boy band, I guess.
I love boy bands.
Love The Wanted,
love a bit of Westlife.
Take That, like, rule my world.
Relight my fire
It wasn't like a boy band.
It's such a high standard choir, you
need to do a little audition first.
When twilight is fading
I pensively rave.
"Rove", not "rave".
Can you go a bit slower?
Deep down I knew I was ***.
But they were so nice that they
let me join the crew anyway.
You had the bass people,
and they were sat at one end
and they were, like, big, huge men
with massive, pendulous balls.
And then my crew, who had
the teeny-weeny little balls.
Am I going too high?
That was him.
We are going to break away.
We'll be like JLS.
Us four, we'll tour around
the country.
I can see it now.
Knackered from singing,
I finally got to go to the pub.
Unfortunately,
they just did more singing.
Do you have, like, excursions?
Every year.
Every year? Whereabouts? Ibiza?
A couple of the lads
want to go on to TigerTiger,
but I'm shattered, so I think
I'm going to call it a night.
Still getting texts through.
Apparently Dafydd just
straight-armed a Jagerbomb,
and Glyn is taking a little
sub-group off to a strip club.
"You can come along.
"
But I think I'm just going
to hit the hay.
It was the next morning,
and it turned out
that Auntie Nia was the star
of Wales' premier soap opera,
Pobol Y Cwm,
and she got me
a proper Welsh-speaking part.
Don't hog the scene.
It's my scene, OK?
OK.
Like any proper actor,
even though my part was small,
I decided my character
needed a back story.
I've actually killed a man.
I've come down here because,
this Cheryl bird,
I'm having a bit
on the side with her.
I've gone through some quite dark
***, so bear all that in mind
when you see me walk on,
cos it's all in the eyes.
Good luck, Jack.
Action!
Jack! Sut ydych.
Round of applause
for the James family!
Can I just say, it's really
refreshing, being a Welsh person,
to come on a show like this
and to not have any of those usual
stereotypical jokes that are
usually made against the Welsh.
And you know what type of jokes
I'm talking about.
And I think the whole Welsh nation
will really respect you for that.
So thank you very much
for honouring us.
Cool.
All right.
We're definitely not doing it.
Join me after the break.
Take it away, Lethal Bizzle.
It's it's it's
Lethal Bizzle Records
Welcome back to Hit The Road Jack!
All week I have been in Wales
and tonight I'm showing
the good people of Blaenavon
just how much I have learned about
this fantastic country.
Now, we are here in Blaenavon
Working Men's Club, but this
is not actually the first time
Blaenavon has featured on Channel 4.
You might not know this
but Blaenavon was
actually on an episode of Time Team.
It was on Time Team.
It was incredible.
I watched the episode.
The dig was brilliant.
In one of the trenches,
Baldrick, right,
genuinely found the remains of a
woman who had been burnt as a witch.
Last October.
Now, I'm fascinated
by the Royal family.
None more so than
the Prince of Wales, Prince Charles.
When the Queen passes away,
Prince Charles will become King
and, in doing so, leave a vacancy.
I decided it was only fair
to put an advert out asking
the good people of Wales
if they wanted to be interviewed by
a royal household member
to see if an everyday member
of the Welsh public
could actually become
the next Prince of Wales.
Think of this as being a little
bit like X Factor, but with swans.
This is the search
for a new Prince of Wales.
The Royal family
have decided to open up a role
as a Prince or Princess of Wales.
That's amazing, that's amazing.
Today, two hopefuls
are being interviewed
in the search for
the new Prince of Wales.
If they are to be successful,
they must impress
a lady in waiting to the Queen,
Lady Sighborn.
Do you think you would make
a good member of the Royal family?
I'll have a go at it.
As part of your press protocol
we would require you to be
more Welsh than you are now.
If you want me to put my Welsh
accent on, that is no problem.
Repeat this phrase and make it sound
more Welsh than you sound now.
OK.
Hello, madam,
do you fancy a trip to the Valley?
Hello, madam,
do you fancy a trip to the Valley?
Could you make it
more Welsh than that?
Hello, maadam,
do you fancy a trip to the Vaalley?
That's too much.
Does your family
have any history of ***?
There's no *** in my family.
Would you be willing
to start a history of ***?
No.
I want you to imagine
that her Majesty has decided
she would like to
eat your favourite swan.
That's the Queen's creatures.
Yes, and if she wants
to eat a swan, she can.
I want you, in your role as Prince
of Wales, to talk the Queen round.
To stop her from eating the swan?
Why do you want to
kill your beautiful animal?
Because it looks tasty!
You eat that swan, we have
another swan out there on that lake.
I'll take them both!
And put them in piri-piri.
How would you break the news to
a swan like this?
I'm sorry, but you're about to die.
Then give it a hug.
You are a woman.
Yes.
The prince we're looking for is,
of course, male.
Right.
Is your gender up for discussion?
If you truly believe I could bring
something to the Royal family,
I can put my hair up and tape down.
Wearing some sort of strapping?
Very good.
And, ladies and gentlemen
Faye and Ross are here tonight,
please be upstanding for the new
Prince and Princess of Wales!
And, of course,
Ruth Jones is still with us.
Now, am I right in saying that
you've met the Prince of Wales?
Yes, I have.
I went to Buckingham Palace
and I met him.
Really?
He didn't have a clue who I was.
I mean, why should he?
He should! He's Prince of Wales.
Gavin & Stacey!
No, I don't think he watches a
lot of television, in all fairness.
He had somebody sort of
whispering to him, must've said
"She's an actress,
she's in a series"
"I believe you're in
a series called Gavin & Stacey!"
He shook hands with my husband and
said, "Should I watch this series?"
Because I just said to him,
"I'll send you a DVD, if you like!"
Really uncool, you know?
Well, no, because I never got to
meet Prince Charles,
because I did the Royal Variety Show
I thought I would meet him,
and I was so excited.
I was in the line-up,
stood next to Susan Boyle.
I was quite worried, because
I knew he wouldn't know who I was
and I was terrified that he'd think
I was her handler or something.
Well, you would, you would!
But he didn't even turn up, because
those students attacked his car,
so I didn't get to meet him, so it
was just me and Boyle on our own.
It was all right.
Me and Boyle had a chat.
Did you?
Yeah, took her back, let's just say,
she's not a *** any more.
Um, I came across a couple
of Welsh signs as well,
which I wanted you to
translate for the viewers at home.
I love this one.
This is brilliant.
Someone snapped this
on their phone and sent it in.
"Pedestrians, look right",
in English.
And then, underneath, in Welsh
Cerddwyr edrychwch I'r chwith,
which means look to the left!
Right!
That's at a level crossing!
You're laughing
that is just the Welsh way
of killing English people!
Don't applaud it!
Well, I'm sad to say that
my time in Wales is nearly up.
Thank you so much for coming
onto the show, Ruth,
it's been a pleasure having you.
Ruth Jones, ladies and gentlemen.
Wales, you've been bloody brilliant.
And if anyone asks me
about my time in Wales
and what I've learned
I shall simply say this.
And, hey, if the Welsh tourist board
want to license it from me,
it ain't gonna come cheap.
Wales.
A beautiful and magical country.
A country proud
of its royal heritage.
Where men enjoy simple,
timeless pleasures.
Wales is a fashionable place.
I love
this range of summer beachwear.
Pour homme et pour femme.
In Wales, no event is too small
to be celebrated in song.
This guy has bought
a *** and a chocolate bar!
Wales is where stars
of the future are born.
Chamone, ladies!
Civilised sportsmanship is the name
of the game here in the Valleys.
Wales is a place where everyone
does really know your name
because it will be Jones.
Oh, what's occurring?
I'll tell you what's occurring.
Wales.
That's it from me in Wales.
This has been lush,
and it's been down to Ruth Jones!
The James family and everybody else.
You've been fantastic.
Thanks for watching.
See you next
week on the next stage of my tour
and to play us out tonight,
it's Lethal Bizzle and
the Cardiff Arms Park Male choir!
For we believe!
Look up to the sky
And paint a picture
What do you see?
Uh
Look up to the blue
Dreams can come true
Yeah, uh
For you, I know, I know
That I can make it, I know, I know
It's never tainted, I know, I know
That I can make it, I know, I know
Yeah, yeah
I'm from a place
where humanity is suffering
Mum's got two jobs,
still strugglin'
TV licence at the door
Mum's panicking,
Didn't have much
but we're still managing
I used to ask Mum,
get me a pair of Nikes
But she got me Adidas
with the four stripes
Sega Master System,
second-hand bikes
Spoilt brat kid?
Nah, far from the type
I was a hard-headed
kid, I never used to listen
If it weren't for my dad
I'd probably be in prison
Age of 14, I start
to make my own decisions
Age of 17 I started
focusing on rhythms
Yeah, passion for the music
Still tryin' to work out
how I'm going to use it
Uh, pure self-motivation
When I figure
out this equation, yeah!
Look up to the sky
And paint a picture
Uh-uh, uh
What do you see?
Look up to the blue
Dreams can come true
For you, I know, I know
That I can make it, I know, I know
It's never tainted, I know, I know
That I can make it, I know
Oh, yeah, uh
Yo, I told my dad I'm leaving
college to be a star
He looked at me and said,
"Son, who d'you think you are?"
Contemplating, seeing
if I made the right choice
Hearing "I told you so"
in my dad's voice