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It's men and women and there are a lot of unisex problems associated with it, like bargaining
You know it's a real ordeal bargaining with the xe-om.
And you'd think it'd get easier the longer you're here and the more Vietnamese you speak, but no.
New problems arise!
I've been here for a while. I can speak okay. I can get by, I can get my idea across.
But there are a lot of people
not only xe-oms but Vietnamese people
That find it quite shocking that a foreigner is speaking Vietnamese
and in some cases cannot comprehend that is in fact a foreigner speaking Vietnamese.
This is a true story. The other day I was walking down the street
had my big backpack on, saw a xe-om
and I said, in Vietnamese:
I said: "Listen I've got to get to the train station."
"Not the big one but the little one in behind cause I'm going to Sapa."
"I need to get there in about ten minutes cause the train leaves in twenty minutes"
"How much is that gonna cost?"
He kinda looks down and...
It's like, "Buddy..."
"I just said..."
"I got to get to the train station."
"Not the big train station but the little train station. I'm going on a train to Sapa"
"It's leaving in twenty minutes, I gotta be there in ten minutes. How much will that cost?"
You think I'd understand "10 nghìn!" (10,000)
Might have picked up that little pinecone on the linguistic trail of fun.
Might have had that one in the pocket.
But no, no, no, just that kind of stare.
Oh it's pain.
Oh it's pain.
And you know what? Sometimes there's pain that happens not because they don't understand what you said
but because they DID understand what you said
and it causes such a kafuffle you can't get anything done in the first place.
Now you go to the pho restaurant, little plastic chairs, walkin' in, la-da-de-da, pull up your little plastic chair….
"Chị ơi một bát phở!"
- Ồ! Giỏi! Giỏi!
- Giỏi lắm! Giỏi lắm!
- Linh, Tuấn, get over here! Get over here!
- Do it again, do it again, that thing you just did, do it again, do it again! Ohhhh!"
Erm..
"Chị ơi, một...một...một bát phở?"
- Giỏi! Như người Việt Nam! Giống người Việt! Ohhhh!
- My daughter, get my daughter out! Marry my daughter, marry my daughter!
Girl's standing there like "duh"
- "Marry her now!"
She's like twelve - "hehe!"
Can you imagine the reverse?
Can you imagine like a Starbucks in Seattle, a couple of pimply white kids behind the counter
Young girl of Asian extraction walks up, has a look behind the glass and says to the guys:
"Umm, yes, I’d like a bran muffin and a caramel macchiato."
- Whoa!
- That was so clear!
- I understood, like, everything.
- Jack, Tim get over here. Do it again, do it again!
"A bran muffin and a caramel macchiato?"
- Whoa, just like an American, high five, high five!
You know it wouldn't happen.
But, but, but most of this is coming from...
...is coming from me having been here a while
and I sort of expect to be treated like they would treat anyone else
which isn't realistic
You know what I mean, once you're here for a while you start to lose the perception of yourself as someone from somewhere else.
And the society is different from our society, it doesn't really happen.
So you tend to get confused and jaded and all muddled up
and basically you go a little funny when you've been here a while.
And I'd like to just end my little set before we move on
with a little list, and I'll pick it up now.
Yes, this is the signs that you have been in Vietnam a little too long.
Anybody here long-timers by the way? Anybody here over a year?
Yeah yeah, couple of hands. Anybody here over two years, three years, four years?
Some long-timers here. Alright, okay, this one's for you.
The rest of you go home.
Alright. You know you've been in Vietnam too long when...
you start reading the license plates of motorbikes
and know exactly which province they correspond to.
Oh, 24, that's Hải Phòng, 16, that's Sơn La, 12, that's Hải Dương.
Boom, three out of three, uh!
I know them all, lemme tell you. [note: not true!]
You know you've been in Vietnam too long when you have a Yahoo Messenger nick which you use to pick up girls.
If you want to pick up girls in Vietnam you gotta get on the Yahoo.
I'm not joking about that, I'm serious.
Guys if you're not on the Yahoo get on the Yahoo.
You know you've been in Vietnam too long when...
you are instantly put off when one of those girls introduces herself as being from:
"Viet Lam"
You know what's going on there.
You're clued in. You're not falling for that.
If you didn't get that, you will one day.
After you're married! [evil laughter]
You know you've been in Viet Lam too...[laugh]
You know you've been in Viet NAM too long when...
you leave three seconds before every light turns green and stop three seconds after every light turns red
thus creating the six second Gap of Death!
That is scary. You know you've been in Vietnam too long when...
you have the phone number of every Philippino singer at the Seventeen Saloon.
By that I mean all two of them.
Which is actually more 'cause they rotate every six hours.
You know you've been in Vietnam too long when...
you know the computer punch-in number of your favourite karaoke song off by heart.
"Singing in the Rain", 24876, punch it in. Let's go. Let's do this thing.
Any karaoke singers here by the way?
Any karaoke people? Yeah?
You know what really freaks me out about karaoke is that one person that just sort of sits in the corner.
And everyone else is singing their hearts out, "yeah, yeah, yeah"
And that person is just sitting shyly
and everyone is like - "come on sing!" - "no no you guys sing, I'm just gonna drink. "
After two or three hours someone manages to persuade them.
- "Come on, just give us a song, give us a song!"
"...okay"
- "What song do you want to sing... - Umm maybe 'My Heart Will Go On'
Ok, then someone starts to look it up in the book and they're like
"27413"
Oh.
And then they pick up the mic and they sing the best damn version of that song you've ever heard
making everybody else feel like crap.
I call those people "sleepers".
They're like karaoke sleepers.
They should be punished under terrorism laws, freaks me out.
You know you've been in Vietnam too long when....
You start looking - this is a bit philosophical
You know you've been in Vietnam too long when...
you start looking at newly-arrived expats with contempt and disgust
as if the turnstile into Vietnam stopped with you
and everyone who came after was some punk kid who jumped over.
If you think about that for a while it's very true.
Idiots.
Grabbing the back of the xe-om rim, you nerd!
You did that like four months ago.
You've got to put your hands on your knees, everybody knows you've got to put your hands on your knees.
That's how you balance.
You know you've been in Vietnam too long when...
for birthdays, instead of the 150,000 *** merlot from the Citimart
you opt instead for the 30,000 *** Vang Dalat.
Oh the Vang Dalat
I think there's one bottle of Vang Dalat that's been passed around the expat community like...
like the monkey's paw in that ghost story.
It's like "Here, take this and live in hell!"
It just circulates.
Why? I mean there are so many birthdays and stuff too. Why would you even spend money?
Weddings.
Weddings as well. You just put like 20,000 in the envelope and run away, nobody's ever gonna know.
OK!
And then you put someone else's business card in. That's what I like doing.
Like your boss.
You know you've been in Vietnam too long when...
you start writing happy faces in text messages to male friends.
There's nothing to it.
- See you at the bia hơi, hehe :)
You know, little pointy eyebrows ^_^
- We'll talk about sports
:-p
- We'll pick up chicks
:))
Ah you know you've been in Vietnam...
Oh this is it. This is the last one, then I'm done, then we're moving on.
And this is a little bit quieter.
Kinda end on a more solemn, sort of reflective note.
You know you've been in Vietnam too long when...
you see goldfish on bicycles, or pig carcasses on motorbikes
or donkeys walking down Hai Ba Trung,
or babies with nets on their heads
and you think...
"mmph."
That's it for me, coming up next is Mr. Steve. Thank you very much for being here!