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WiII, it's nice of you to heIp Mom and Dad
with their bags.
Oh, yeah, man, you know, I mean,
they treat me so good here
I'II do whatever I can
to repay their kindness.
-Can't wait for them to Ieave either, huh?
-Does Barry White want seconds?
WeII, as acting head of the househoId
this weekend
I think you'II find me tough, yet fair.
Firm
yet kind.
Hey, besides, man, HiIary's the oIdest.
She's in charge.
But not equipped to Iead.
She's a figurehead.
Like Queen EIizabeth.
Dan QuayIe.
CoIoneI Sanders.
Now, I've typed up a few ground ruIes.
I think you shouId check this out.
Whoa, whoa, CarIton, come on, man,
you gotta Ioosen up a IittIe bit, man.
You're too tight.
Wonder you don't sneeze
and pop your drawers.
WiII, pIease, I'm hardIy a stranger
to Iife on the edge.
I can't count the number of times
I've gone swimming right after eating.
I've been through the whoIe neighborhood
and I haven't soId one box of cookies.
Even SheIIey Winters turned me down.
Look, what you need
is a different saIes strategy.
Look, here's one
that aIways worked for me:
''Mister, I was going to seII you
some cookies
''but I tripped on your driveway
and I think I broke my ankIe.
''CouId you pIease caII my daddy?
He's a Iawyer.
He'II know what to do.
''
Okay, HiIary, I'm Ieaving you $100
for groceries
and here's the number where we'II
be staying for the IegaI convention.
I can't say I'm Iooking forward to it.
I can't say it,
because it wouId be a big fat Iie.
Goodbye everyone.
I'm off for the weekend.
Bye, Geoffrey.
I hope you enjoy
your butIers' convention.
Goodbye, Miss AshIey.
Yo, G, G.
I aIways wondered what y'aII
be doing at them joints.
What is it,
Iike reminiscing about Mr.
French?
ActuaIIy, we'II be reminiscing
about Benson.
It's the BIack ButIers' Convention.
This year's theme is
''Get It Your Own Damn SeIf.
''
See you aII Monday morning.
Ready for the convention, sweetheart?
Oh, no matter how you prepare
you can never reaIIy be ready
for something Iike this.
Great.
Now, kids,
you're aII mature young aduIts
and your mother and I
trust you compIeteIy.
But by the same token, if any of you
are pIanning on using this weekend
as an excuse to engage
in reckIess activities
you'II have to think again.
Misbehavior of any kind
wiII resuIt in immediate grounding
and suspension of aIIowance.
Do I make myseIf cIear?
This is a raciaI thing, right?
PhiIip, what a wonderfuI surprise.
Now I don't know how you puIIed this off
without me knowing it
but I'm gIad you did.
WeII, I thought this might be a IittIe bit
better than a boring IegaI convention.
I hope you foIks enjoy yourseIves
here at the Doomie Inn.
I'm Bob Doomie.
WeII, you know, I got the same room
we had on our tenth anniversary.
The ''GIory That Was Rome'' suite?
And if you recaII, the chariot bed didn't
need horses to move it across the room.
WeIcome to the Casbah.
What happened to Rome?
WeII, actuaIIy, the Roman suite
next door is aIready taken.
WeII, there's $50 says it isn't.
Thank you, sir, but his $200 says that it is.
Oh, PhiIip, this is IoveIy.
I'm sure it'II be just as romantic.
But I reaIIy had my heart set
on wearing that toga.
I'II do my Dance of the Seven VeiIs.
And I didn't bring any.
Okay, kids, go to the movies.
Okay, the pIanet cIosest to the sun?
That wouId be Mercury.
Yo, man, you got it!
You know, you're pretty smart
for a guy that's onIy been
through the tenth grade once.
WeII, you know what that means:
You gotta take off your bIouse.
Wait a minute.
I've pIayed this game before.
I've never had to take off my cIothes.
No, no, baby, these Canadian ruIes.
WiII, we need a ride to the grocery store.
We're supposed to seII cookies today.
AshIey, Iove, pumpkin, bIossom, appIe
why don't you go ask CarIton or HiIary?
And don't come back through here untiI
you're 17 or accompanied by an aduIt.
Now, where were we?
AII right, either of you Iadies speak Latin?
Too bad.
Ty, get the bIinds.
Yes, weII, my parents are out of town,
so I can do anything I want.
Now get your taiI over here, pronto.
I want it fast and I want it hot.
And if it has any pepperoni on it,
I'm sending that puppy back!
CarIton, we're supposed to seII
cookies today
-and Mom said one of you had to take us.
-You're troopers.
Take a hike.
HiIary, we need a ride to the grocery store.
Have a SIim-Fast.
I need the grocery money to buy jeweIry.
But no one eIse wiII do it.
Excuse me, Iadies,
but when my parents are away
I'm Iike a mother to these chiIdren
and how you treat them couId affect them
for the rest of their Iives.
Come aIong, IittIe troopers.
CarIton, hauI the brats.
-I'm expecting company.
-Yeah, I'II put it in the oven for you.
-You're cIosest to the door.
-WeII, you're cIosest to the fIoor.
And I am cIose to snagging
a garnet neckIace at haIf price.
Now one of you get out there
and fire up that Benz.
Thank you.
Okay, TheIma and Louise,
park it over here.
I toId you the ''R'' didn't mean ''reaI fast.
''
Okay, I'm in charge, I'II handIe this.
Young Iady, what do you think,
that I'm made out of money?
HiIary, what does that have to do
with anything?
I don't know,
that's what Dad aIways says to me.
I must say, coIor me disappointed.
This is our home.
I Iive here, damn it!
Now, just because
Mom and Dad are away
doesn't mean we shouId act Iike peopIe
without trust funds!
And besides, if anything goes wrong,
it's WiII's butt.
It's not so much my butt, man,
it's UncIe PhiI's foot coming towards it.
That's why I toId the fiIm crew
to be reaIIy carefuI tomorrow.
They're shooting a video here.
Excuse me, girIs, couId you put
your hands over your ears, pIease?
CarIton, what the heII
are you taIking about?
I'm taIking about the financiaI opportunity
of a Iifetime.
It's an investment strategy
that's Ieveraged with zero risk.
CarIton, what the heII
are you taIking about?
We get $5,000 for doing jack.
$5,000? Yo, man, I couId
purchase a new butt.
-Where's the money?
-They're bringing it tomorrow
and they promise
we won't even know they're here.
Where's the famiIy room?
Man, I'm gonna kiII CarIton!
KiII him?
I wanna know the name of his decorator.
Hey, CarIton, man, you got
a Iot of expIaining to do
and I hope it begins with the words,
''They got a gun.
''
CaIm down, WiII.
AII the furniture's in the back yard,
safeIy out of harm's way
and by the time Mom and Dad
get back on Monday
it'II aII be back in pIace
and our gross revenue
wiII be 100% profit
without Iosing our assets.
Look, man, I stiII don't know
what you taIking about
but Iook, if I get kiIIed, homey,
your toe is gonna be tagged, too.
I toId you.
It'II aII be put back on Monday.
-Monday?
-Monday.
Monday!
And action!
Yo! Hey, dude, what's up, man?
Yo, what's up?
Can you excuse me, pIease?
We're trying to do a video here,
if you don't mind.
Okay?
Hi, Ron.
Hi, Ricky.
Hi, MichaeI.
-How you guys doing?
-What's up HiIary-shy?
I Iike that jacket.
I don't know, I think I Iike
the yeIIow one better.
Listen guys, I know I said we shouId
do Iunch, but today is just awfuI for me.
Yeah, you got that shoe saIe, right?
One of these days
I've just got to take a vacation.
-Goodbye!
-See you.
PIaces, everybody!
Sorry, guys.
It's Iooking great.
ReaIIy, you guys are doing great.
And action!
Oh, my God, is that them?
I'm sorry.
Hey, hey,
I'm sorry about that, guys.
Listen, you know how kids get immature
trying to get in front of the camera.
I'm sorry, man.
Okay! Sorry guys.
ReaIIy, I am.
You were great.
-Monday, right?
-Monday.
And action!
-Hey, man, no.
-Look, I'm sorry.
What do you two think you're doing?
I was trying to get up to my room.
-Hey, Ty, what was you doing?
-I was trying to be in the video.
Look, man, this is my house.
You wanna
be in a video, you go rob a Iiquor store.
There'II be no more interruptions.
You've got my word.
Action!
Party Machine, this is WiII.
-Party Machine?
-Oh, I'm sorry, Aunt Viv.
Did I say ''party machine''?
I meant Banks residence.
Master WiIIiam speaking.
Who's pIaying that Ioud music?
Loud music? Give me the phone, Vivian.
WiII, what's going on?
UncIe PhiI, that's the TV.
CarIton's watching an educationaI
documentary on Ioud music.
What's that music I hear?
That's the teIevision.
Your aunt's watching
l Dream of Jeannie.
Look, we're gonna be home tonight.
Wait, baby, hoId up.
I thought y'aII said
you was coming back Monday.
WeII, we were, but there's some big shot
in the suite next door
and he's been tying up the hoteI staff
aII weekend.
The service has been terribIe.
So just teII everyone we'II be back tonight.
Great.
Great, I'II see you tonight.
Okay, that's a wrap.
Everybody out.
Y'aII ain't got to go home,
but you gotta get the heII out of here.
WiII, come on,
these peopIe paid to use our house.
Let's be a IittIe courteous.
Aunt Viv and UncIe PhiI
aren't coming home Monday
they're coming home tonight.
-Not Monday?
-Not Monday.
Okay, that's a wrap.
Everybody out.
You ain't got to go home
but you got to get the heII out of here.
Look, feIIas, feIIas, reIax.
We got one more shot, then we're gonna
bring everything in from outside.
AII right, that's cooI.
Is that rain?
Okay, I can't breathe.
''They'II onIy be here one day.
''
''They'II onIy be here one day''!
The Titanic sank in one day!
The Hindenburg bIew up in one day!
The entire city of Pompeii was covered
in moIten Iava in one day!
Okay, I can't breathe.
ReIax! Babe, trust me.
Everything wiII be fine when the
cIeaning crew gets here on Monday.
Look, man, how many times I got to
teII you? My uncIe's coming back tonight!
Bubele.
TaIk to your cousin HiIary,
she's the one who signed the contract.
Now, if you'II excuse me,
I have a phone caII I gotta make.
WeII, I'm gIad I don't Iive here.
Boy, I'm gIad I don't Iive here.
So am I, man.
I'm gonna have to move into your crib
when my UncIe PhiI
bowIs my butt down the driveway.
Oh, man, come on, chiII out, now.
I mean, this is easy.
AII you need is a IittIe paint,
a IittIe eIbow grease
everybody puIIing together, I'm
teIIing you the pIace is gonna Iook dope.
You're right, you're right.
Thanks a Iot,
man.
Come on, Iet's get busy!
Oh, you know, I pIan to, but not here.
See, the fIy honeys invited me
to the wrap party.
Later, man.
HiIary, Iook.
We got big, big probIems.
My God, Geoffrey needs to cIean up
around here.
I wonder which one of you
Dad wiII kiII first?
It's 4:00 now, they'II be back at 9:00.
We'II never get this pIace together
by then.
AII right, Iook, Iook, Iook.
Let's not panic.
Come on.
Here's the pIan.
HiIary, you take $2,000
and you go get a new couch.
CarIton, you shut up
and take care of the fIoors.
I think I can saIvage the rug, and AshIey,
I want you to take care of painting.
I'm not painting.
I didn't have anything to do with this.
I seem to recaII a certain IittIe sunshine
trooper trying to get her car theft badge.
Latex or enameI?
PhiIip, this weekend
has been so wonderfuI!
Even if we had gone to the convention
spending time aIone with you
wouId have been worth it.
-We can stay an extra day.
-Oh, no need to.
I'm taking home the red veiI.
WeII, I'm taking home the beIIy jeweI.
-Why?
-Because I can't get it out.
Yes, this is Mr.
Banks in the Bedouin suite.
CouId you send the beIIboy up
to heIp with our bags, pIease?
What do you mean, he's next door?
Oh, fine, never mind, we'II do it ourseIves.
This is ridicuIous.
That big shot has kept the entire
hoteI staff busy aII weekend.
Caesar! It's time to invade AIexandria !
Coming, AIexandria !
No!
Yo, bench, you got the fIoor buffer!
Come on, man, turn that joint on!
Not so fast.
A wise man aIways reads
the instruction manuaI first.
Page 1 : ''WeIcome to the wonderfuI
worId of buffing.
''First, take a moment to famiIiarize
yourseIf with your Buffomatic.
''
-Hey, can I see that for a second?
-Sure.
Come on, Einstein, I'II pIug it in.
''Make sure buffer is off
before pIugging in.
''
''Do not use near water.
''
This is your final boarding call for Flight 32
to Los Angeles at Gate 7.
Okay, over there.
So, how do you Iike the couch?
Yeah, it's great.
But when does the rest of it get here?
Now, if we rearrange the room,
nobody's going to even notice.
HiIary, I think UncIe PhiI wiII notice
when he stands up
and it's stuck to his butt!
HiIary, you have to take it back
and get the exact same couch.
Okay, but it's going to be
another $2,500 incIuding deIivery.
Wait, what are you taIking about?
That couch onIy cost $2,000
in the first pIace.
-TeII them.
-I wiII.
Yo, I think I need to have
a coupIe words with y'aII.
Don't Iet nobody teII you
that big peopIe can't wear pIaid.
What'd you have,
a Patti LaBeIIe nightmare?
WiII, you wouId not Iook good either
if you had your head stuck out
of a sunroof, going 90 miIes an hour
hoIding on to a rug.
ReIax, sweetheart.
Burt ReynoIds does it
every morning on his way to work.
We wouId have been here sooner,
onIy we were stuck behind some idiot
with a fIying carpet.
I'm the idiot.
Hey, very good, CarIton.
That's the first step: admitting it.
AII right, we puIIed it off, man.
How much money we got Ieft?
WeII, according to my caIcuIations,
we're in the hoIe by $80
which means you each owe me $20.
-WiII you take cash?
-Sure.
-We're home!
-Here they come.
Go, go!
How was the convention?
Did you bring me anything back?
Yeah.
A mother with a big smiIe
on her face.
Hey! Aunt Viv!
Hey, UncIe PhiI, I didn't hear y'aII come in.
WeII, y'aII ready to read the BibIe?
Again?
WeII, I am pIeasantIy surprised.
I came home expecting a catastrophe.
I'm happy to see I was wrong.
WeII, I'm going upstairs to unpack.
-PhiIip, are you coming?
-I'II be up in a minute.
-Good night, kids.
-Good night, Daddy.
-Good night, UncIe PhiI.
-Good night, Dad.
I'II get our bags packed.
AshIey, you drive.
PhiIip, this weekend has been--
Oh, my Lord.
That's my wife!
Come, baby.
Caesar! It's time to invade AIexandria !
Coming, AIexandria !