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OLBERMANN: Most of the 25 collections James Thurber published during his lifetime are
dedicated to loved ones. There is an exception, though. Thurber's 1956 offering "Further Fables
for Our Time" was dedicated to the great, now sadly nearly forgotten news broadcaster,
Elmer Davis, whose comprehension of people and persons has lighted our time, so that
we can see where we are going. These fables are dedicated with admiration, affection and
thankfulness. I'd like to read three of the fables from a 1956 original copy of the book.
Each displays enough comprehension of people and persons to light our time.
The first is called "Two Dogs," by James Thurber.
"One sultry, moonless night, a leopard escaped from a circus, and slunk away into the shadows
of a city. The chief of police dogs assigned to the case a German Sheppard named Plunger,
and a plainclothes Bloodhound named Plod. Plod was a slow, methodical sleuth, but his
uniformed partner was restless and impatient. Plod set the place until Plunger snapped 'We
couldn't catch a turtle this way.' And he bounded along the trail like a whippet. And
then, he got lost.
When Plod found him a half an hour later, the Bloodhound said 'It's better to get somewhere
slowly than nowhere fast.' 'Repose is for the buried,' said the police dog. 'I even
chase cats in my dreams.' 'I don't,' said the Bloodhound. 'Out of scent, out of mind.'
As they went along, each in his own way through the moonlessness, they exchanged further observations
on life. 'He who hunts and turns away may live to hunt another day,' commented Plod.
'Runs away, you mean,' sneered Plunger. 'I never run,' said the bloodhound. 'It's no
good trailing a cat when you're out of breath, especially if the cat isn't. I figured that
out myself. They call it instinct.' 'I was taught to do what I do, and not to do what
I don't,' the police dog said. 'They call it discipline. When I catch cats, cats stay
caught,' he added. 'I don't catch them, I merely find out where they are,' the Bloodhound
said quietly. The two dogs suddenly made out a great, dark house looming in front of them
at the end of the lane. 'The trail ends right here, 20 feet from that window,' the Bloodhound
said, sniffing a certain spot. 'Leopard must have leaped into the house from here.' The
two dogs stared into the open window of the dark and silent house. 'I was taught to jump
through the open windows of dark houses,' said Plunger. 'I taught myself not to,' said
Plod. 'I wouldn't grab that cat if I were you. I never grab a leopard unless it's a
coat.' But Plunger wasn't listening. 'Here goes,' he said jauntily, and he jumped through
the window of the dark and silent house. Instantly, there was a racket that sounded to the keen
ears of the bloodhound like a police dog being forcibly dressed in women's clothes by a leopard.
And, that is precisely what it was. All of a moment, Plunger, dressed in women's clothes
from hat to shoes, with a pink parasol thrust under his collar came hurdling out the window.
'I had my knee on his chest, too,' said the bewildered police dog plaintively.
The old sleuth sighed, 'He lastest longeth and liveth best, who gets not his knee on
his quarry's chest,' murmured Plod in cloudy English, but fluent bloodhound. A moral, who
would avoid life's riotous laughter, should not attain the thing he's after."
"Two Dogs."
"Ivory Apes and People," by James Thurber.
"A band of ambitious apes in Africa once called upon a herd of elephants with a business proposition.
'We can sell your tusks to people for a fortune in peanuts and oranges,' said the leader of
the apes. 'Tusks are tusks to you and us. But, to people they're merchandise -- billiard
balls and piano keys and the other things that people buy and sell.' The elephants said
they would think it over.
'Be here tomorrow at this time, and we will swing the deal,' said the leader of the apes.
And the apes went away to call on some people who were hunting for merchandise in the region.
'It's the very best ivory,' the leader of the apes told the leader of the people. '100
elephants, 200 tusks, all yours for oranges and peanuts.' 'That's enough ivory for a small
ivory tower,' said the leader of the power -- of the people. 'Or 400 billiard balls,
and 1,000 piano keys -- and I will keep on my agent to ship your nuts and oranges, and
to sell the billiard balls and piano keys. The business of business is business, and
the heart of the matter is speed.' 'We will close the deal,' said the leader of the apes.
'Where is the merchandise now?' inquired the leader of the people. 'It's mating, or eating,
but it will be at the appointed place at the appointed hour,' replied the chief ape. But,
it wasn't. The elephants had thought it over and reconsidered. Then, they forgot to show
up the following day. For elephants are good at forgetting when forgetting is good. There
was a great to do in the marts of the world trade when the deal fell through. And everybody
except the elephants got into the litigation that followed. The Better Business Bureau,
the Monkey Business Bureau, the Interspecies Commerce Commission, the Federal Courts, The
National Association of Merchandisers, the African Bureau of Investigation, the International
Association for the Advancement of Animals, and the American Legion. Opinions were handed
down, rules were promulgated, subpoenas were issued, injunctions were granted and denied,
and objections were sustained and overruled. The patriotic League of American Women Against
Subversion took an active part until it was denounced as subversive by a man who later
withdrew his accusation and made a fortune on the sale of two books. I made my bed, and
I lie in my teeth. The elephants kept their ivory, and nobody got any billiard balls or
piano keys, or a single nut, or an orange. Moral? Men of all degrees should form this
prudent habit -- never serve a rabbit stew before you catch the rabbit."
"Ivory Apes and People."
And "Oliver and the Other Ostriches."
"An austere ostrich of awesome authority was lecturing younger ostriches one day on the
superiority of their species to all other species. 'We were known to the Romans -- or
rather, the Romans were known to us,' he said. 'They called us Avis Struthio, and we called
them Romans. The Greeks called us Struthion, which means truthful one or if it doesn't,
it should. We are the biggest birds, and therefore, the best.' All his listeners cried 'Hear,
hear,' except a thoughtful one named Oliver. 'We can't fly backward like the hummingbird,'
he said aloud.
'The hummingbird is losing ground,' said the old ostrich. 'We're going places, we're moving
forward.' 'Hear, hear,' cried all the ostriches except Oliver. 'We lay the biggest eggs, and
therefore, the best eggs,' continued the old lecturer. 'The robin's eggs are prettier,'
said Oliver. 'Robins' eggs produce nothing but robins,' said the old ostrich. 'Robins
are lawn-bound worm addicts.' 'Hear, hear,' cried all the other ostriches except Oliver.
'We get along on four toes, whereas man needs ten,' the elderly instructor reminded his
class. 'But, man can fly sitting down. We can't fly at all,' commented Oliver. The old
ostrich glared at him severely, first with one eye, then the other. 'Man is flying too
fast for a world that is round,' he said. 'Soon, he will catch up with himself in a
great rear-end collision, and man will never know that what hit man from behind was man.'
'Hear, hear,' cried all the other ostriches except Oliver. 'We can make ourselves invisible
in times of peril by sticking our heads in the sand,' ranted the lecturer. 'Nobody else
can do that.' 'How do we know we can't be seen if we can't see,' demanded Oliver. 'Sophistry,'
cried the old ostrich. And all the other ostriches except Oliver cried sophistry without knowing
what it meant.
Just then, the master in the class heard a strange, alarming sound. It sounded like thunder
growing close, and growing closer. It was not the thunder of weather, though, but the
thunder of a vast herd of rogue elephants in full stampede. Frightened by nothing, fleeing
nowhere, the old ostrich and all the other ostriches except Oliver quickly stuck their
heads in the sand. Oliver took refuge behind a large nearby rock until the storm of beasts
had passed. And when he came out, he beheld a sea of sand and bones and feathers, all
that was left of the old teacher and his disciples. Just to be sure, however, Oliver called the
roll. There was no answer till he came to his own name 'Oliver,' he said. 'Hear, hear,'
said Oliver. And that was the only sound there was on the desert except for a faint final
rumble of thunder on the horizon. Moral -- thou shalt not build thy house nor thy fate upon
the sand."
That's "Countdown," I'm Keith Olbermann.
Good night and good luck.