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In a major gaffe, President Obama forgets to dumb it down
for the American populace.
A burrito is eaten like someone in the room isn't crying.
And the US will give a limestone-based economy
a shot starting Monday, with officials saying:
"It sounds weird, but you never know."
Please put in your eye drops
and swallow the three green capsules now,
it's The Onion Week In Review.
According to a study published Monday
in the New England Journal of Medicine,
getting smacked right in the mouth
with a *** tree branch really sucks,
but after a minute you're basically fine.
The comprehensive two year medical trial
which observed more than 400 unsuspecting volunteers
receiving a full on smack right to the mouth
with a stupid, *** tree branch
found conclusively that regardless of age, gender or ethnicity,
getting hit in the mouth with a tree branch
really *** sucked for a good minute or two,
but then you're more or less okay.
It really sucked a lot to get hit in the mouth
with a *** tree branch.
I thought I was bleeding, going to need stitches or something,
but after a few minutes it was pretty much okay.
If you live in the Boston area and would like to volunteer
for a study related to the effects
of getting dinged right in the balls
with a *** dirt clod
and whether it makes you feel
like you're going to puke everywhere
until you sit down for a minute
and take some deep breaths,
please contact Dr. Marks at PMarks@bostonuniversity.edu.
This week Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack
continued his good will tour
to improve US relations with foreign produce
by attending a meeting Thursday
with a Slovenian head of cabbage.
Closed door talks with the leafy vegetable
addressed the lack of arable land in Slovenia
and came on the heels of Vilsack's weekend summit
with Polish green beans,
a state dinner with a British asparagus Monday
and last week's four-day retreat
at the home of an Italian basil leaf.
It's no secret Secretary Vilsack and the cabbage
have had their disagreements on key issues in the past,
but both share a pragmatic approach
that makes it possible for them to find common ground.
In local news, 23-year-old *** graffiti artist Adam Zane
has captured the heart
of 19-year-old, college sophomore Jessica Tisselo.
Zane, who goes by the graffiti handle Slice
met Tisselo last summer
at an annoyingly self-aware dive bar
where the talentless artist caught Tisselo's eye
with his clichéd sleeve tattoos of trite Japanese imagery
and the fact that he was wearing a winter hat indoors
in the middle of June.
His art is really just the absolute worst.
I think we're going to get married someday.
And now for This Week In Tech
brought to you by LG.
An excited groom sends text messages
to his buddies during his bride's vows.
And a collection of VHS tapes are held on to for one more year.
In other news, a burglar makes sure to crack the glass
on a family portrait before leaving.
There's nothing in the employee handbook
about groping dead coworkers, an employee says.
And a report finds
that nobody's heard from David Blaine in while
so somebody should probably check to see if he died
in one of those things.
Naught but a mere two minutes and thirty seconds have passed
yet we feel as though we've known you a thousand lifetimes.
For more visit theonion.com/newsbeat