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as a mediator I'm often asked
what are the most important keys
a successful marriage one are the most important factors
well as a practicing mediator and
as someone who has spent the last decade steady income to resolution
and marriage I can tell you that there are some
serious commonalities not only in a general on my part in terms of my
experience
but also backed up by research so this episode we are going to go through some
the keys
a successful marriage now
these are the things the common things that
you can if you can work it out with your mate
you have really good chance on whether in the rough stuff
no one thinks about divorce during
sunny good times it's in the times
challenge that make the difference its easy to fall in love
it's much harder to stay in love so let's go through each of these key
factors
first and foremost
successful couples enjoy each other after a life is
way too short to spend it if you're not interested in someone
and if there is no spark at the beginning
most likely it won't just suddenly develop
and this point is necessary because it is what binds the two together
and when I see couples at my table
most often what happens
is that actually they didn't really like each other
a couple years ago I attended a marriage preps
home and marriage prep training program
and I can tell you many people get married
were very different reasons and unfortunately that there were only
about ten couples that I saw I would say maybe only two or three actually
liked each other
and they mean hit by their body language
whether or not they invited the other person in for a hug
where they want to snuggle together as they listen to lectures and watch the
videos
or joined in discussion they stayed connected
they use that spark too staying
they wanted to express to everyone that they were a couple
another thing is a support system know this can be much
more difficult if you're a military family
or if you're overseas in in your primary family is elsewhere
but funny men support system whether it be your friends
mutual friends your family your faith community
often when couples move to a new area
I highly recommend to join some sort of faith community is taken both
take part in and also find some common friends
yes everyone needs to have your own friends but you also need those common
friends that you can go out
and enjoy your time together he was willing to make sure that you express
your ideas
you create an environment for each other
to express how you feel both the good the bad and the ugly
sadly a lot of us don't like that negative feeling we don't like they
had
that vulnerability
but successful relationships allow monette and encourage that
and are'nt afraid of a negative thought or afraid of
the constructive criticism again loving relationships
want to encourage and support rather than tear down and destroyed
so that's why it's so important to be in a relationship
especially in intimate one like a marriage a relationship that allows you
to say what you think
and you will be criticized or demeaned for it it
doesn't necessarily mean that you won't receive some sort of
disagreement but in at least appreciates
your value what you bring both your thoughts your ideas and your actions
into the relationship and it also means that you know is going to get what you
want
but you at least respect each other for
what you're asking for and you'll work towards trying to find it
if it is indeed something then benefits both of you
so again is that common ground except the family support system
it's that ability to express what you think and feel in a relationship
no relationship is perfect but feeling
appreciated feeling loved
knowing that you can turn to the to your mate
anytime both good and bad
it plays a huge role in your ability
to work together towards the future
in staying together
now another factor in terms in the keys if successful marriage
is you have to take care of the business
and your marriage first I know this is extremely
unromantic but I will tell you
as a divorce mediator many times that couple
think come to my table have not taken care of the business side of their
relationship
and so the relationship, the romance side of it dies
waning so that's when it's time to take care of the business first
relationships
first business I love your marriage first
what do I mean by that I mean talk about money
get into the habit of talking about Manning 11 times in
we think about money based on how we
experienced it through our parents
whether our parents were married or divorced and
money was seen as something is a negative are to be avoided
or something to be stressed over or sacred resource that was really around
money is not always a fun thing to talk about
but when you join forces with your spouse
under one roof you have to learn how to work together
and yes you can have differences in opinion
opinion about what money is and how it should be used in your family
how it should be used to build the life that you want but you need to start
having that topic now
you need to start talking have had topic now
and be open to the fact that you both
might need more information in education
you might need to improve your financial intelligence
so that you both can make more informed decisions
not only in your day-to-day operations but in your long-term goals
you need to also be very honest with each other financially
I would say personally
25 percent in the couple's I see
are unfaithful when it comes money
0 hiding receipts
not telling about this not really setting
boundaries are parameters and about how money is to be spent
and that's what a financial infidelity
leads to a level of distrust because when bills
are needed to be paid in the money isn't there
that's when the conflict happens and then is the conflict that needs
in the conflict doesn't need to happen
so that's why I same workout in financial
plan together but I do wanna stress
that it shouldn't even if one is better at managing the money
than the other the other person let's say
the wife is more financially attuned to
taking care the business and in financial side of life
it is her responsibility then
to at least new meet with her husband
weekly or monthly to can go over the status
of the financial health of their house all
just because it's not your primary responsibility
does not mean that you get to do what ever you want
without consulting more talking about money
okay you both are accountable to each other and responsible
to each other that the financial elements in your house
but again the business entity marriage is not only the money
it's also the responsibility
in terms the overall running at your house whether or not
you're going to hire out for help to keep your house clean
take care of the laundry take your hand maintenance so the karst
the day-to-day operation who's been take care the trash
who's gonna take care that their cuming an issue so to divvy out and share the
responsibility is the actual running and maintenance of your home
then you'll be fee to l think about how you wanna spend the rest to view of time
because everyone needs to play a role in making sure the house runs
and what I mean by that is all the household responsibilities
should not fall on one person all
another comment discussion that I have
privately with various couples meet with me
is they feel like they have to take you to the house all
on their own even though they're in a marriage
they have to take and cleaning cooking working
running after the children everything to get
you the house running in the other spouse's just just sitting there
perceived doing nothing and all they had to do is go to work
but when it came to actual running in their house they didn't share in the
responsibility
and I will tell you in research backs this up
that there's nothing sexier than a husband
helping out his wife doing the dishes do any other
every day stuff that is required
when running house
now also recognize that your relationship is a living breathing thing
and if you neglected in that other things get in the way
me your relationship the quality in your relationship will fade
all in there are two things
that I would say are the hallmark of a successful marriage
and it goes
among all the denominations religion
and it's not so much a matter religion but the ability to sue did
humble yourself in prayer or meditation
to recognize this is something much bigger than you did you were creating
together
is the married couple so I'll say pray or
meditate together
focus on the concerns that you have but also
be thankful for the many blessings that you have
this gratitude and humbleness
will take you and
you know through that endurance race
because when we ask in prayer
and we humble ourselves we often find that forgiveness follows
maybe the misdeeds that we did that day or the things that we should have but we
didn't do
then all plays a part in the quality of our relationships so
praying and meditating together
allows each review to at least
calm down and put the days even some perspective it
in altered also the second part is that would be making time to have fun
and that fun can be anything but I'm just
strategically thinking about intimacy
being time you spending time together being
intimate with each other being appreciative
of what the other person brings into your life
and taking that time
to be appreciative and what they do
for you and for your life together
and that's why it's important again to like each other
another thing about a successful relationship is your willingness to put
the
other person first before making any decision
that my friends is the difference between a friendship
and marriage in marriage it is about going beyond yourself
thinking about what the needs are met at the person before your own
making sure that you are considerate of another person's
overall well-being once
needs and desires before your own
sadly some people call that worked but in a love relationship
in our marriage relationship it is part
and necessary part a successful marriage
that is why it's important to know what to expect from each other
because wouldn't we is think about the needs wants and desires of
another person decides ourselves we have to know what they expect from mast
and we have to be clear about what we expect from them
and that's why it's so important is that will let realistic expectations
about how you want to run the house hey when do with the money
hey man have fun hey when I appreciate each other
how much time you wanna spend in intimate life
all these things have to be clearly communicated
don't assume just because you've been together for many years
that you will always know you have to say it straight
and bluntly and straight out in direct conversation
well that's all for me today
and I hope you've enjoyed this presentation
don't forget to subscribe to the channel so you don't miss an episode
and until next time be fair with each other, by for now.