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Every so often I am with a group of friends at college and the topic of depression comes
up. Many times the people say things like “I don’t understand why people here are
depressed. There is absolutely no reason. They are not starving; they have clothes;
they have a place to live. Other people are really starving and are really abused, so
the people who don’t have real problems are just retarded and lazy.” Most of the
time my friends don’t realize that I am a part of the group that they are making fun
of, and they have no idea what I have been through before coming to college. This one
time, I was in a conversation with one of my few friends who I previously told that
I have depression and anxiety, and months later he said that he didn’t know anyone
with “those type” of problems. I felt like he was erasing me, like I didn’t exist...
because I was talking to him about it and he knew about me but maybe he didn’t want
to know so he forgot. Or, maybe it’s because I’m usually fine... and so, usually when
he sees me, you wouldn’t be able to notice my depression, or my anxiety. My most recent
medication really helps, and it’s possible since he doesn’t see it, that he just forgot
about it.
But, then there are those times, especially like my freshman year, last year — and then
definitely in high school — when it was really acting up. And it totally was interfering
with my academics... my interactions with people. I could barely do any work. (pause)
And, when I tell you that I couldn’t do work... because of depression, I really mean,
really, that I couldn’t. And I hate saying couldn’t, but really couldn’t. When you
have depression, at least for me, it’s like your brain just evaporated right out of your
head, and you can’t remember anything. Your phone number, what you read for class the
night before. It takes hours and hours to write a paper I usually could crank out in
an hour or two, and when you finish work, it sounds all cracked up and disjointed. It
honestly feels like my brain has blown away. So, it definitely affects my academic success.
And, social success too because when I’m depressed I don’t have the energy to seek
people out and find resources to ease the situation. I just have to tell myself that
I’ll snap out of it eventually and to not do anything rash in the meantime. I used to
just lay low and sleep a ton. Last year, it got bad enough that my professors were notified
and I took an incomplete in a class. Even now I can’t get over how much that felt
like a personal failure. I hate knowing that I have a condition, and that I have no control...
or at least think that I have no control. Like, if I know what’s wrong, why can’t
I fix it?!? It’s so frustrating. And, because of all that, it’s even more frustrating
when my friends forget that this is part of me... part of my struggles... when they just
erase this whole part of me.