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What rhymes with majority?
Nothing.
Come on, you still working on that
funny song about the new Speaker?
- Give it a break.
- Oh, priority.
And authority.
Sorority.
Oh, my God, there's a million
words that rhyme with it.
Oh, no.
No, no, no! Gah!
Look where Jonah's coming from.
Oh, that grin, the keys.
Oh, God.
He's been given
West Exec parking.
Yeah, the holy grail
of parking.
Good morning, gentlemen.
What a delightful day.
I was gonna walk
to work, but then
- You got West Exec?
- It's just a parking spot, Dan.
To be jealous of that, you'd
have to be a shallow kind of
I don't know, ***, I guess.
This is the situation room, ma'am,
during the hostage mission.
- We need to approve a photo for release.
- Okay.
Let's see.
Oh, my God.
Look at Ben.
Look at the size
of his coffee mug.
Jeez, you could hide
a baby in that thing.
Ooh, I look nice, though, huh?
Yeah, you do.
You look concerned, but steely.
- Yeah.
- Like a lady soldier.
Oh, there are not
gonna be any veterans
at this teen prayer breakfast
thing tomorrow, are there?
No, ma'am.
No missing legs.
Okay, here's all the details
of the youth leaders
- that you're gonna be meeting.
- Oh, man.
Who the hell is religious
as a teenager?
I was.
I mean, smoke some weed,
for Christ's sake, right?
Oh, God, look at the president.
- Jeez, he looks so
- He looks jowly.
Ah, look at those cheeks.
It's like two little clutch
bags attached to his face.
Oh, my God, with the bags.
It's always bags with you.
Got to get out of the bag zone.
Come on, Gary.
- Sir.
- Gentlemen.
Very excited about this new
demographics study you're planning.
You should be.
Dream Metric will reveal
the electoral battleground
as it truly is.
It's comparable to the
invention of the microscope.
Would it be okay if I showed you some
ideas I have regarding strategy?
No time, Mr.
Egan.
They're mostly Flash based,
but I put them on YouTube.
I just said I had no time.
We're all being hit
by deadlines, right, Mike?
Yes, sir.
They can swing around
and smack you like a boom.
You sail, Mike?
Have a boat?
- Uh, yes, sir.
An '87 Gulfstar 50.
- Great cruiser.
Nothing fancy,
but she gets the job done.
You know, like a cast-iron
skillet or Kevin Bacon.
I've got a Lagoon 380.
- Catamaran?
- Yeah.
That's real man's sailing.
Leaning out in the tack, your big
man balls dipping in the salty sea.
You're right there,
my friend, yeah.
I have no children
and I wish for none,
but she's my family.
You know, I once went
powerboating on Lake Erie.
Amazing rush.
I need to go.
You don't talk powerboating
to us sailors, Dan.
What's the *** difference?
Hey.
Veep in?
- - No.
You have time to just sit there?
You've already bugged the *** out
of everyone else in the building?
I'm sorry, what?
Say that again.
Jonah, out.
Or else I'll see
if my pepper spray works.
- Morning, guys.
- Morning.
No, 14,500.
Is this the amount of times you've
admired yourself in the mirror today?
No, I'm guessing that's
the difference in salary
between this job and the one
that you just interviewed for.
You think I had
a job interview?
I know you had a job interview.
- How, Sherlock?
- Simple makeup, higher neckline.
Flats don't go with that dress, which means
you probably have heels in your bag.
Coffee from corner bakery
implying you were at
one of the lobbying
shops on 18th.
I love this stuff.
That and somebody
called your extension
to make sure you had
the right address.
Hey, is Danny Chung gonna be performing
tonight?
Really?
What's he gonna be doing?
I think he'll be pulling Bon
Jovi out of a burning tank
in case we all forgot what
a *** war hero he is.
- Yeah.
- No, we have no official comment.
No, that is not
a non-comment.
- We're just not commenting.
- What?
- How did this photo get out there?
- What?
Can we delete it
off the Internet, then?
No, I don't know
what I'm talking about.
What?
What's going on here?
Ma'am, the White House
released this picture.
What? No, no.
This isn't
Amy, this isn't the photo
that we approved.
- No.
- Look at this.
It looks like I'm tweeting
when a guy loses his leg.
Yeah, it does, ma'am.
This is Kent's doing.
He's trying to screw me.
I'm gonna go stab him.
I'm stabbing him.
- Yeah, from this point.
It's unprec
- All right, get out.
Get out.
You, too, Amy.
I don't want any witnesses in here.
I'm not kidding.
- I'll start running the acid bath.
- Yeah.
This is the photograph?
No, just wondering if you think
this sweater goes with the dress.
Look, the other photos
caught POTUS at a bad angle.
- Vis-ÃÂ -vis jowls.
- What?
- It's a bad look.
- That's how he looks.
That's his face.
Why didn't you just take the
good one of me, Photoshop it in?
I can't airbrush history, ma'am.
I'm not Joseph Stalin.
No, that's true.
You're not.
You don't have
a tenth of his charm.
Okay, I'm just gonna go work
on my Jim Marwood song.
Uh, we're in budget talks,
reaching across the aisle.
POTUS does not want
the Speaker mocked.
Oh, so now I have
to have Dan and Mike,
Rodgers and Hammershit, come up
with a new song in an afternoon?
We can laugh at ourselves.
Maybe you should do a funny
bit about the photograph.
- Own the situation.
- Own this.
- She was multitasking.
- You need to get off the phone.
It's a thing women can do, like
smelling nice and wrapping gifts.
- Okay.
- Bye, Tom.
Were you on top
of this or what?
We were busy writing
youth culture references
in a funny song
about the Speaker.
I don't even know
what you just said.
What are you laughing about,
Jolly Green Jizzface?
- I was sorry, ma'am.
- God damn, why are you even here?
Oh, I came here to tell you
that you're a meme, ma'am.
I'm a meme ma'am? What are you talking about?
Speak English, boy.
A meme, an Internet phenomenon.
Okay, yes.
There are
Photoshopped versions of this
springing up all over Twitter.
- You at the Declaration of Independence
- Oh, my God.
With Mary Magdalene
at the crucifixion,
the 2004 tsunami.
If there was a tsunami, you'd be
genuinely looking at your phone
'cause you'd be checking
the weather.
You know what?
I don't need you to talk.
How do we stop
this meme ma'am ***?
No, it's just a meme, ma'am.
Not a meme ma'am.
And usually they flame out
after about 48 hours,
but sometimes they blow up
and become a super meme
like Downfall or Gangnam.
- I love Gangnam.
- What did I just say?
If it gets on Reddit
or Tumblr, that can happen.
Yeah, okay.
You've got to get out of here, okay?
Take all these meaningless syllables
with you and just get out.
Yes, absolutely, ma'am.
Oh, and I will see you at the dinner tonight.
Oh, my God, yeah.
Okay, yeah, that's a cherry
on top of this whole *** cake.
Ooh, your leg.
Could you put?
Fix your leg so I can
see your whole leg.
Fix it.
Yeah.
Okay.
POTUS said that we can't do
the song about the Speaker
at the Vic Allen dinner.
We can't do it.
- The Speaker song is cut?
- Yeah.
- It was hilarious.
- It was not that hilarious.
You're out of your head, dude.
That would
have made people *** in their pants.
Hey, hey, hey!
Let's do a new song about Kent.
- Kent?
- Mm-hmm.
- You think?
- Make fun of ourselves, that's what he said.
I kind of like that.
I do, I kind of like that.
All right, we'll do it.
I have no problem with that.
Let's go.
That's what we're gonna do.
Let's go.
Just stop
the filibuster, buster.
- That's good.
- That's not a rhyme.
You're just matching a word
with the same word.
Just write it down, Dan.
I'm in a zone.
Comedy songs are the mark
of a ***.
You're wrong.
You know why?
Three words
Weird Al Yankovic.
*** Al Yankoshit.
You shut your mouth, okay?
Just protect the endangered
goose, Bruce.
These are all great.
A parody song
of "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.
"
- Great idea.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- If the first one bombs,
people are gonna be
sitting out there thinking,
"*** the bed, we got
Help the oil lobby, Bobby.
That's a good one.
Let's follow Jonah.
That is so childish.
Why are we doing this?
Because it's pointless, like
everything else that we do.
You still pissed
you can't get in with Kent?
Nobody can.
He's half robot, half robot.
- He's a robot.
- Yeah, that's the challenge, Mike.
See, in college
all the girls liked me.
There was this one girl, smart,
who had no interest in me.
She wasn't gay either.
I checked.
So it became my mission
to sleep with her.
And did you?
No.
And that failure has haunted
me to this very day.
I have a similar story,
but the other way around.
In college there was only one
girl that was interested in me.
And it turns out
she was actually a lesbian.
Everyone is a little off.
Dan is bored.
Sue is looking for another job.
What? Really?
Mmm, and the stuff
you're saying to Gary
What?
Gary's not happy with me?
What?
Because he'd be happy
if I shot him in the face.
He would be.
I've actually thought about it.
He feels since he got
that girlfriend Dana,
you've been weird with him.
Okay, can you please
can you please not
See? That is another thing.
The leg.
Well, he did lose a whole leg.
That's like half of what
he should have, right?
I'm fine.
Look, I can
handle this whole thing.
I can.
Sue.
You are incredibly valued
here and I was wondering
if there's anything we could do
to make you want to stay with us.
- More money, ma'am.
- I'm on it.
Welcome back.
Honored to serve.
Just bought Sue for a dollar.
Who's next?
- Gary.
- I'll talk to Gary.
How about doing that
outside of the office?
Invite him to dinner maybe.
Wow.
I've never eaten
with Gary before.
I've eaten next to him, but
Okay, yeah.
I can do that.
- Good morning, Jonad.
- You're pathetic.
Jonuts!
Yeah, come at me when you guys
get an office, huh?
- Everyone hates him.
- Yeah, but we hated him first.
Oh, yeah, we hated him long before
it was even fashionable to hate him.
This is like a
wildlife documentary.
Jonah in his natural habitat.
He might defecate in a bush.
- What is this?
- I don't know.
- Jonah.
- Hey.
- Busy?
- No.
I just had to get
some of these binder clips.
- Oh.
- From another building, huh?
Yeah, we ran out
at the White House.
Isn't there a guy, though,
that can get that for you?
Yeah, you'd think
there would be.
Yeah, but he's
he's off sick.
- Who is?
- Steve.
What's poor old Steve
come down with?
- He has diabetes.
- Oh, wow.
That's a big one.
- What type?
- Two.
Yeah.
What are the
symptoms of two again?
Oh, he's just feeling bad.
He's you know,
he's sugary.
- Yeah.
- Or he's not sugary enough.
- Right.
- Yeah.
Are there any other symptoms?
Yeah, he's got fat wrists.
You know?
Yeah.
You getting
freezed out by Kent?
We've been watching you, Jonah.
You're obsolete.
You're like an old VCR,
but with a bigger mouth.
- You guys have been following me?
- Yeah.
You've been following me like Nancy
Drew and his butt-sniffing dog
and I'm the one
that has nothing to do?
Cool the honey, bro.
We're very busy.
- We're writing a comical song.
- Shut up, Mike.
Well, I might have
nothing to do, gentlemen,
but at least
when I'm crying about it,
I am crying about it in my car
in West Wing Exec parking.
50 ways to win in Denver
La-lum.
Hey, ma'am, thanks again
for inviting me to dinner.
- Sure.
- It's an honor.
I actually wrote it in my diary and
stared at it for a full five minutes.
My treat for you
Would you set it
all up, please
And check the menu, too?
Of course.
No, no, no, I actually
really do mean that
Figure out the restaurant
and everything.
Okay.
Okay.
- Um, do you
- * Yes, Gary? *
What is it?
Can Dana come along?
- Oh, really?
- No.
That was a bad idea.
It's okay if she can't.
Um, no, it's good.
Fine.
You are gonna love her.
- She's a total gal's gal.
- Oh, I can't wait.
- She says this one thing
- Can you get me my throat spray?
- I need that.
Do you have it?
- Sure.
* Mi fa so la ti do.
*
* No, no, no,
don't sing it with me *
That *** me up.
- Jim.
- Madam Vice President.
I always feel
like I should curtsy,
and then I remember
that doesn't make sense.
No, it certainly does not.
You know Amy Brookheimer,
my chief of staff.
Mr.
Speaker.
It's nice to see you again.
Amy.
Now, am I getting older
or are you getting younger?
We're both getting older.
That's the third option, of course.
That's great stuff.
I understand there's gonna be
a bit of a joke truce tonight.
A cessation of hostilities.
Absolutely.
There will be no jokes from me.
I'm not going to mention
the photograph.
Were you Internet shopping?
I'm joking.
Or rather, I'm not.
There we are.
Okay.
You know, I was at
that same prayer breakfast
- about a month or so ago.
- Oh, were you?
- Aren't they great kids?
- They're great.
And they seemed excited
as young voters
about the possibility of
a veteran becoming president.
- Not necessarily me.
- Okay.
Well, they seemed very excited about the
possibility of a woman becoming president.
Not necessarily you.
Well, my enhanced foreign
policy role will serve me well.
Hey, it is good to be on top
of international relations.
- Sure.
- So there are fewer opportunities
for guys like me
to risk our lives.
Oh, absolutely.
Absolutely, yeah.
- And limbs.
- Uh-huh.
Are you not finishing this?
I'm gonna take it.
Okay.
Amy, you should
stop eating so much.
What the ***
are you talking about?
You're stress eating.
I'm not.
I'm having dessert.
I think you're letting the pressures
of the office get to you.
You barely have a life outside.
You don't go to the gym.
You don't go to the movies.
You're barely at home.
That's true.
I mean, I hope
I don't have a cat
because, believe me,
that poor ***'s dead.
You need to date, Amy.
Find yourself a political
nerd who also showers.
I'm just saying
I'm looking out for you.
I wouldn't want you to become
a fat, neurotic freak.
Speaking as a friend.
We have a lot of special
performances tonight
- and a lot of fun ahead.
- Danny Chung.
So he pulled a guy from a tank.
You saved four guys
from captivity.
Yeah, and they weren't
burnt, by the way.
Chung's guy had a face
like a Christmas ham.
Governor Danny Chung!
Thank you.
All right, thank you.
You know, this administration
has faced many challenges.
But until now,
nobody's thrown down
a beatbox challenge.
That isn't impressive at all.
- He's just spitting, right?
- Yeah.
L-l-ladies
and gentlemen,
M-m-m-m-minnesota's
in the house.
I said, "Well,
was it money or sex?"
And he said,
"No, the guy from Fox News
is the only one who stopped
and asked for directions.
"
Thank you.
To be serious
for just a moment,
I think we need to give
a big round of applause
to the vice president
for the part that she played
in setting free
those young guys
who had been held against
their will for so long.
Madam Vice President,
thank you.
Thank you.
Of course, all she had to do
was unlock her bedroom door,
but thanks anyway.
Well, at least she didn't
look down her nose at 'em.
You know, when they're
looking for the thing.
You know, but thank you.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you so much
for listening to me.
- I need a joke.
I need a joke.
- Thank you.
Good night.
Thank you.
Jim Marwood,
ladies and gentlemen.
Let's give it up for him.
- Mate?
- Meat.
- Meat?
- No, mute.
Mute.
Mute.
Here.
Jim Marwood, what are we
gonna do with you?
I'll tell you, that's one speaker
I'd like to put on mute.
Okay, well, I'm gonna
give this a shot.
You just need to keep in mind
that I'm not Selina Dion.
Okay, well, you know what?
Let'*** it, boys.
The problem
is all inside your head
Kent said to me
The answer is easy
if you take it logically
If you analyze elections,
it's called psephology
* Kent says there's
Kent says there's 50 ways
To win in Denver
You just say
you'll cut tax, Max
Don't be elite, Pete
Kiss a fat baby, Abie
Set yourself free
Don't be European, Ian
Say screw France, Lance
Maybe the Germans, Herman
The Dutch, the Swedes
Subsidize a bus, Gus
Don't be pro-choice,
Joyce
Not too much sex, Rex
Take it from me
Make a pie chart, Art
Analyze the facts, Max
Don't live
in a palace, Alice
This is imbecilic.
You're right.
It's asinine.
No, keep smiling,
Mr.
Ryan.
I'm smiling falsely.
So should you.
Don't mention Israel,
Catherine.
Good morning!
You should cut an album.
- - Oh, can you imagine?
You killed it.
You killed better
than Chung killed
and he's actually killed.
I had to pretend
not to like it to Kent
while pretending to like it like
he was pretending to like it,
but he didn't actually like it
and I actually really liked it.
Oh, hello, sir.
Ma'am, your song last
night made my lips curl.
- Uh
- Upwards.
I have a small favor to ask.
Okay, sure.
What can I do you for?
Well, my Dream Metric demographic
program is about to launch
and I would like to borrow a
member of your team for two weeks.
Oh, you want Dan?
No, I want Mike.
Uh, no, you don't want me, sir.
You do want Dan.
- He's great.
- I've got a big bounce coming on.
I can feel it.
I'm like you.
No, uh-uh, you
can't take Mike.
He's my director
of communications.
Are you kidding me?
You can't have him.
POTUS's European visit,
the Helsinki agreement
- Yeah?
- He can no longer make it.
Debt ceiling talks
are on the verge of collapse,
so he needs someone
to go in his place.
Now either that's
the Secretary of State or
Mike, on second thought,
I think that
this whole Dream
- Metric.
- Metric.
Dream Metric thing
sounds kind of fantastic.
- Don't you think?
- Yes, ma'am.
Comes from POTUS, so
I'll see you down the hallway
in 15 minutes, Mike.
I'll pipe you aboard.
Ma'am, enjoy your trip
to Europe.
Thank you.
Jonah will be making
the trip as well.
Uh, wait.
What are you talking about?
You're taking my director
of communications
and you're giving me Jonah?
This comes from POTUS.
Ma'am.
Ma'am, please
don't let him take me.
I don't want to go
to numbers camp.
- I can't help you.
Just let go.
- Please.
Please.
Let go of me, all right?
Obviously you made
an impression on Kent.
I don't make
impressions, ma'am.
I've literally lived with people
who insist I was never there.
You give no press briefings.
Understood?
I become Mike,
you become an ugly me.
Cool.
I'll handle new media.
Ma'am, I'm gonna get you
major online traction.
Reddit, Tumblr, boom.
Whatever.
Just don't use my
bathroom on Air Force Two.
- There's another bathroom?
- Europe!
- Oh, mon dieu.
- Yeah, I know.
It's gonna be fun.
- Really, really fun.
- It'll be really fun.
Now, I'm so sorry, but I don't think we're
gonna be able to do the dinner with Dana.
Oh, we can bring it forward to lunch.
Let's do that.
- Oh.
Uh
- Yeah? Yeah?
- Oh.
Yeah.
Okay.
- Yeah? Yeah? Okay.
So cut to I'd set up a business
importing pecorino cheese.
Are you familiar
with that brand of cheese?
- Uh, I think
- It's like parmesan, but it's different.
- They're very different.
- What's the word that you use to describe
- A duskiness.
- A duskiness.
Isn't that great?
Would you ever describe a cheese as dusky?
Not in a million years, no.
I wouldn't do that.
But so so you import
parmesan?
- Pecorino.
- I'm sorry, the pecorino.
They're direct from Tuscany,
so that means it comes in
through Florence.
If I were to use a Sicilian
supplier, which I wouldn't,
my overheads would double.
And they would have
made her an offer
that she couldn't refuse.
Actually, the mafia involvement
in the dairy industry is minimal.
You're right.
I'm sorry, I
didn't mean to be flippant.
Think about it.
In "The Godfather," no cheese.
- Yeah, you're right.
- You know I'm right.
- Boom!
- That's her catchphrase.
She got you.
You got to be so careful.
Okay.
- So, Gary.
- Yeah?
This lunch is about me
saying that I value you.
I cannot tell you, we are so
happy to hear you say that
- If you could just
- Ahem.
And I want to say thank you
for all that you do for me.
Aw, that's so nice.
And I got you a little gift.
- No!
- Yes, I did.
Oh, that's so nice.
Look at this.
A new Leviathan.
A Lev
a new Leviathan!
Isn't that great?
Does it have
the same layout, honey?
Because it took you so long
to learn the other one.
No, it's fine.
I can learn a new layout.
It's fine.
Do you wish that I had
gotten you a different kind?
No, no, no, no.
I love it.
I love my new bag!
I can just sew some new pockets in.
That's okay.
- 'Cause it's a symbol.
- Yeah.
- It's for you.
- Mm-hmm.
Is that for me?
Oh, yeah.
That's for you.
It's Amy.
Hey, what's up?
The Kent song has suddenly
gotten some negative traction.
- "References to Europe"
- I'm putting you on speaker.
"References to Europe
in an ill-conceived song
performed by VP Selina Meyer
have sparked outrage
- in parts of the continent.
"
- What's the problem?
The lyrics
"don't be European, Ian,"
"say screw France, Lance"
that whole bit.
I'm sending the alert links
to your iPad.
Excuse me, Gary.
Can I have my iPad?
- Do you have that?
- Oh, right here.
- Here you go.
Sorry.
- Thanks.
You know, while you're getting
to know your own mind,
I'm getting to know
the rest of you.
And Mama likes.
- Excuse me.
- Mama like it.
I'm so sorry.
Excuse me, Gary, just for a second.
I don't know what my password is.
Do you know what it?
- It's 4G.
You don't need a Wi-Fi, ma'am.
- But the signals are all here.
You know what you got to do
is shut the Wi-Fi off.
That forces it into 4G.
You know I'm right.
- Okay, let's not do that.
- I'm not sure how to do that.
- No, no, no.
That's confidential.
- I won't touch anything.
I won't touch anything.
Oops, I just started a war with Iran.
- Joke.
- That's not even remotely funny.
That's just one
of my classic jokes.
- Calamari and zucchini?
- Oh, that would be for Gary here.
- Okay, here you go.
- And maybe some olives?
- Oh, no, no, no, no!
- Get out!
Oh, God.
Well, our European visit
just got turned into a one-way
trip to hell and back.
- That's actually a return.
- You know what?
Could you just shut it
just for like two seconds?
- Why don't we go?
- Yeah, we've got to cut this lunch short.
But, you know, you're gonna have
your bag forever, so what the ***?
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Dream Metric begins
at this second.
Today is ground zero.
Mike.
Right.
This is the index to America.
It will let us know
how people will vote
before they even
know themselves.
This program revolutionizes
the way we think
about the way we think.
Mike.
It's exciting.
"Within the last hour,
the German chancellor
expressed his disappointment
at the remarks.
"
Who the hell
does he think he is?
"'George Dennis' of 'Le Monde'
called the vice president
a typical American hick.
"
I think it's pronounced
Georges Denis.
I'm not a hick.
Screw you, Depardieu.
I think it just got
on Reddit and Tumblr
and just exploded from there.
Uh, those words
sound mighty familiar.
Jonah?
I just liked the song so much.
And I thought
you wanted it out there,
so I just put it out there.
Get off the plane.
What?
- Get off of the plane.
- Ma'am, we're taxiing.
I don't give a ***.
Get the *** off my plane.
Yeah, get the ***
off of my plane.
I cannot believe that you
put that out on Tumble.
- No, Tumblr.
- Okay.
- Stop the engines!
- Can we get Jonah off the plane, please?
Get up.
All of your privileges
are gonna be removed.
- Okay, but not the parking.
- Yeah, the parking.
- Wait, what? You have parking?
- Not anymore.
- Yeah, not anymore.
- But I didn't even own a car.
I just had to sign a two-year
lease for the Nissan Cube.
- Get him off.
- Okay, guys, my bag is in the hold.
- Does he have a big bag?
- Gary.
- Okay.
- Better?
- It's all good.
- It's all good.
- I'm fine.
- Totally fine.
Great.
How long is this flight?
Numbers, they never
end, do they?
But that's what's
good about them
they keep going.
Aw.
He should really be
on suicide watch.
Yeah, make sure
he goes through with it.
That's the Latino vote, right?
That thing?
- Mike, my office.
- Yes, sir.
Pen.
I leased a Nissan Cube
from you the other day.
What are my options
if I don't need it anymore?
Can I just give that back?
No?
Paper.
Help the oil lobby, Bobby
Don't *** off
Wall Street, Pete
* Don't mention
Israel, Catherine *
Get out of DC
Steve.
Yeah!