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Hey! HEY!
In case y'all ain't notice, it be Friday!
Least, I'm pretty sure it is. And that mean it's How I Seize It time!
I'm Loretta Jenkins- That be your cue to bow.
Bless you, my army of loyal minions! (coughs)
(blows nose) Eww!
What is that? AHHH!
It moved! Grody.
Well, I been a little bit under the weather this week, y'all.
I felt a little froggy in my scratchy throat,
after I blew this handful of hungins down at the bowling alley
the night before last. So I been keepin' myself
on a strict regimen of Pseudokaphedrine,
and Robitussin Triple D and Creme de Menthe
and a couple pills I found behind the toilet.
I calls it a Cosmo-Ima-Feel-Real-Good-
In-About-Twenty-Minutes-Apolitan! (laughs)
To health, y'all! Now you don't even need a 'scription
if you want somethin' around here. There's this trailer park on down the road
that my gal Candy run- It kinda smell like a *** lab.
And you go down there about the seventh trailer down
passed that brown Lay-z-Boy with the potted plant,
and you can get you any pill you want. It's ***' Candyland, get it?
(laughs) Well ***, I think I just implicated Candy
on a federal offense. Forget everything I just said...
Floopnard... Let's just strike that from the record.
Hey y'all. People often stops me on the streets
and ask me how I maintain my youthful beauties
and where I get all my ground-breakin' witty ideas.
It usually come after they say 'How much?' I don't know why.
What they talkin' 'bout? I say, "How much for what?"
and then they just drive off. I alternate every other day
between strong, healthy, horse-sized dosages of Vitamins F and V.
That's Flexerill and Vitamin... Vicodin.
In between days of X, A and Z. That's Vitamins Xanax, Aderall and Zoloft.
I believe what they say. For everything that's wrong with you,
there's a pill out there for it. ***, my pill holder make me look
like one of them early-AIDS folks- Bless they souls!
Hell, I heard crackheads was puttin' down they pipes in lieu
of gettin' addicted to Roxycontins. ***! What's a world with no crackheads?
Hey, we need crackheads as a general rule to make us all feel better about our own lives!
That makes sense, ***! That's the Circle of Life!
(sucking through straw) Whoooo!
***, that is some Good ***! (laughs)
Y'all, I ain't even got no idea what year it is right now.
I'll tell you what's wrong with this country! Listen, that pharmaceutical industry
probably got that CDC makin' all these quasi-fatal diseases up
and slippin' it in our water or liquor supply- Whichever you wet your whistle with most-
And then, you know what they do? They gots these pills, you see...
Them pills is the antidotes to the illnesses! Uhhhhh....
Can you say conspiracy? I can.
Speakin' on that behalf, I hear Cuba's got all the real cures
to all these diseases, and THAT is why our country
don't wanna talk or trade with them, and the Bay of Pigs was just a cover-up!
Probably... Onna count of the deep pockets
of the drug industry got this chokehold on the American government!
At least that's my two cents! I'll bet you anything that that Pope
up there in that Catfish Church, he the one that's responsible for Gonhorrea!
On a count they don't like it when folks use rubbers!
I mean why y'all wanna go and do a thing like that-
I mean, ***. Don't nobody LIKE to use rubbers!
Why you gotta make up an STD for punish us for just doin'
what feels good and natural, huh? What you got against ***, huh?
Just cause y'all celibate and molestin' altar boys...
Don't mean you gotta ruin it for the rest of us.
Come on! Get outta my ***,
you papal nazi KK ***!!! Begone!
AHHHH! What was that? Oh ***!
I got spiders on me! AHHHHH!
Oh ***, here come another panic attack. Where my doublestack zannies at?
I know one of y'all took 'em! How much Robitussin is too much Robertuss-
Rober- (burps)
Rober...Robertuss... Rober.
Red Rover, Red Rover, Send- HEY!
Wasn't he the landlord on Three's Company? He had that ugly wife
that wears all them weird moomoos? Hey, Mr. Roper!
Did you make this? Hey!
On a pretty good offchance that I pass out in the next few minutes...
I don't wanna be rude, so I'm gonna leave you with this.
Don't trust nobody! Don't trust your government!
Don't trust your pharmacist! (burps)
Don't even trust those sketchy Girl Scouts peddlin' they fatty-snacks.
And that's How I Seize It. AHHHH!
Get them off me! *** spiders!
Get them off! GET THEM OFF!