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'Is your broth coming to the
boil?'
Yes!
'Then add the prawns and scallops
we pan-seared earlier
'and season with parsley.'
Season with parsley. Right.
Cooking again, Tom?
What's for dinner?
'At this stage you should not
stop stirring, even for a second'
***-balls!
***-balls? Eugh!
Still, can't taste much worse
than your Bolognese.
Well, I had an exciting day.
I colour-coordinated my calendar.
Red for work events,
blue for house chores,
green for socialising.
Giving blood isn't socialising.
It's going for a pint!
With this diary system, I'll never
forget anything ever again.
Did you remember today
was your sister's birthday?
***-balls!
You've been at work with her
all day.
I know - invite her to dinner,
tell her you planned it
as a surprise.
Brilliant.
Well, if this is going to be
a birthday banquet,
then this chowder needs to be
sensational.
And I'm already missing
the most vital ingredient.
'OK, now we move on to the dessert -
'chocolate gateau.'
The most vital ingredient.
Whoa! Tom - nice haircut!
It's a hat, Ben.
Look, leave me alone -
I need to stay focused.
'Melt half a bar of dark cooking
chocolate into the pan.'
Chocolate?
Into a seafood chowder?
All right.
'This incredible
housefly has found some solid food
'but, in order to make it edible,
'it is necessary to spit or vomit
saliva directly onto the food.'
Well, in for a penny
'Once the housefly has feasted'
"Housefly"?! Ben!
You just very nearly ruined
my seafood and chocolate chowder.
Don't blame me, blame Matthew.
He's the one that signed me up
to this bloody course.
"Home Education Course -
Insectology"?
More like ***-ology.
It worked! Tonight, we're hosting a
surprise party.
- I didn't know about this.
- Surprise!
Is something burning?
***-balls!
***-balls?
But we had them for lunch!
I'm proud of you for doing this
course, Ben.
Finally, you'll have a
qualification,
be ready to face the world,
get out the house,
put all those years of academic
failure behind you.
What do you mean,
"academic failure"?
Time's up.
Time's up.
Time's up.
You get 30 insects, you observe them
for a week and record your findings.
The tank arrived this morning.
I get to drive a tank?!
Oh.
Still, how hard can it be
to just look at something?
Where are they?
Stick insects.
Masters of disguise!
Good luck, buddy!
Pfft.
"Masters of disguise."
Don't give me that.
See, there's one.
Oh, no, that's a twig.
Oh! No, that's a twig
I'm not going to be able see them
with all these bloody sticks
in the tank!
That's better.
Oh!
That's the banner.
Now for some music.
How can we only own two CDs?
Coldplay or Christmas Hits?
No choice there.
Rockin' around
the Christmas tree
It is July but I'm not a BLEEP.
Mistletoe hung where you can see
Every couple tries to stop
Rockin' around
The Christmas tree
The disco zone is open for business!
Argh!
I've found 29 but I think
there's one still on the loose.
I'll keep an eye out.
Good work, David Shattenborough.
How's the food coming along, Tom?
It tastes awful.
I don't understand, I followed
that cookery show to the letter -
prawns, scallops,
chocolate, cherry lip balm.
Cherry lip balm? Think that bit
might have been an advert.
Look, Rachel's going to be here
any minute.
A single perfect ingredient
can utterly transform a dish.
Just find one of those.
A single perfect ingredient.
Right.
Er
Half a can of super-strength cider?
Lard?
But if I use those, what are we
going to have for dessert?
Hang on! What's this?
A cinnamon stick?
Perfect!
Oh, and Ben's lost one of his stick
insects, so keep an eye out, yeah?
I knew cinnamon sticks didn't have
legs.
Come on in, birthday girl!
Step into the disco zone.
This is so sweet of you, Matthew.
I genuinely thought you'd forgotten.
Cocktail?
Oh, thanks!
Why are you playing Christmas music?
It's the only CD I could find
apart from Coldplay
and I'm not playing that.
Yeah, you're not a BLEEP.
Thanks for planning a party.
Andrew's away on a conference
but this is perfect.
Hey, good-looking,
check who's cooking.
Almost perfect.
Rachel, happy birt!
I bought you a present.
Aww.
It's a photo frame.
Oh, that's really quite
Tom, there's a picture of you in it.
That was in there when I bought it.
Ah. Found it!
Ah, no, that's a cinnamon stick.
Wow. You guys have really made an
effort.
Ben, are you tidying?
No, I'm trying to observe
these bloody stick creatures.
They don't even look like insects.
Ben, that's a bowl of Twiglets.
Damn it!
You know what, boys?
This is going to be fun.
Just good food
Ta-dah!
Eugh!
A nice drink
One hollowed-out orange,
filled with gin.
Basically, a night away
from the stresses of work.
So, no mention of Mr Carabine
or Carabine Promotions, OK?
Happy birthday, Rachel!
Mr Carabine!
Look who I invited! Surprise!
Can I fetch you a drink, sir?
Do you do cocktails? Of course.
Then I'll have a hollowed-out orange
filled with gin.
Rachel, I got you a present.
Oh, you burned me a CD.
Yes. Coldplay.
Have you heard of them?
They're very good.
You like Coldplay.
What a surprise!
Tom, surprise.
Well, wait just one minute because
I've got a big surprise for you.
Ooh! Now you know how you love
ponies?
Matthew, I'm allergic to ponies.
Ugh. Do you know what?
I don't feel so good after all.
I think I might just go.
But, Rachel, this is your party!
My party?
Christmas music and dodgy food
and my boss?
You've basically just recreated
every horrible office party
I've ever been to.
All I need now
is for some *** bloke
to try and get off with me
in the stationery cupboard.
I've got some pencils in my room.
Sit down, Tom.
The best present you could have given
me today, Matthew,
was to show you've taken the
slightest bit of interest in my life.
Well, at least stay for us to sing
you Happy Birthday. We've been
practising!
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Happy birthday
Rachel
Ta-dah!
Well, that was something else.
Just a pity Rachel
didn't stick around to see it.
Yeah, I still don't get
why she left.
She said it was because you take
not a jot of interest in her life.
Did she? I wasn't really listening.
Just out of interest, your stick
insects, they're not poisonous, are
they?
No. Why do you ask?
I'm getting fish, I'm getting
chocolate, I'm getting
cherry lip balm.
This is Oh!
I love it! This is incredible.
He's right, Tom, it's delicious.
Whatever it was you've added,
it's transformed the dish.
There's a secret ingredient, is
there? What is it?
Well, er
A good chef never reveals his
secr-insects.
No, no, I mean stick-rets!
No, I mean secrets.
You know, I'd go as far as to
call this a taste sensation.
In fact - let me take
a sample round for my sister.
I didn't know you had a sister, sir.
Oh, yes, yeah, yeah.
She writes a food blog, yeah, yeah.
She's been om-nom-nominated
for a Foodie Award.
Ah, yeah.
I'll just zing it round to her now.
It's a Thursday, so she'll be
coming back from netball.
You see, Matthew, I take time
to get to know my sister.
Yeah? Now, does that make me
a better person than you?
Yes, it does.
Well, I must away.
It has been my pleasure.
My deepest, darkest pleasure.
Word up! Goodbye.
Did you hear that?
I know, "Word up"?
No, "A taste sensation"! Ha!
I knew my cooking
was destined for greatness.
Well, I suppose
I'd better get back to my insects.
Right, I'll need loads of fish,
bags of chocolate,
tons of cherry lip balm and
about 29 secret ingredients.
Oh!
Rachel's right. I don't take
enough interest in her life.
I just don't know how.
"You can learn all there is to know
about your subject
"through quiet clinical
observation."
Clinical observation?
I could do that.
I can see you, Rachel!
Argh!
"The stick insect will make
as little movement as possible
"in order to blend in with its
background and avoid detection."
Ha. Do you know what, guys?
I think we've got more in common
than I first thought.
Ben?
Where's he gone?
Right.
Let's take this observation
to the next level.
Rachel's password.
Maybe one of our childhood pets.
"Fluffsy"?
No.
"Waffle"?
No.
"Password123"?
I'm in.
Ah, Password123.
The best goldfish we ever had.
Now. let's see
Brother - Matthew.
Place of work - Carabine Promotions.
Yes, yes, this is all good stuff.
Matthew, what are you doing in here?
Can't you see I'm busy?! *** off!
OK. Sorry!
Now, where were we?
Likes - beach holidays, reading,
and her best friends, Helen and Amy.
Dislikes - being told to *** off.
How was I to know?
Dude, I think I've made
my first scientific observation.
All of my stick insects have changed
colour and grown bulbous red heads.
Good work, mate,
but that tank can't stay there.
My first customers
will be here any minute.
Customers? Yeah.
Carabine's sister loved my cooking!
She gave me five forks out of five
on Yumblr.
So check it out!
My own pop-up restaurant!
Pop-up? Like the books
you read me at bedtime?
We'll be serving my signature dish,
cherry choc chowder.
No!
Whatever you do, do not
open that door.
I'm going to need your help.
Go and move your specimens.
Oh, my stick insects.
Dude, they're not just specimens.
I love those insects.
It's like they're my best friends.
Apart from you of course, mate.
Stay strong, Tom.
You're a top chef now
and, like all top chefs,
you have to be a complete BLEEP.
'Right. That's Helen's e-mail
hacked.
'And the tap on Amy's phone line
will be up and running in minutes.
'Now let me see'
'Helen is an old school friend
who last contacted Rachel a week
ago.
'Amy took Rachel for lunch
on Saturday.
'The parts of the puzzle
are starting to fit together.'
'What's this?
Rachel's got an e-mail.
'She's going to Zumba tonight!
'Isn't that in Africa?
'Ah - it's a keep-fit class.
'Women only.
'I guess this is where
the trail goes cold.'
Unless
So if we see you in the vicinity
of that leisure centre again,
it will be more than just a caution.
Is that clear, sir?
Yes, yes, I understand.
Certainly, Mr Edwards.
I have a lovely table for two
by the burst beanbag.
Ben! Ben!
Good evening, madam.
Welcome to the Secret Food Society.
Do you have a reservation?
Ben, it's me.
I don't care who you are, madam -
we're full.
Although
for a good-looking lady like
yourself, I may be able
to make an exception.
Matthew! It's you!
Wow!
Service!
Ben, get a move on!
Tom, what's going on here?
It's make or break time in the
kitchen
and I've got a restaurant
full of hungry diners.
Who's he talking to?
He's been like that all afternoon.
The question is, can I get the food
out fast,
keep the quality high
and not lose my temper?
Ben, you arsehole, get to work!
No! I quit!
Matthew!
Yes, chef!
Where are the bowls?
We only own three bowls.
Yeah. Real food lovers aren't into
bowls, Matthew.
Ground-breaking food
doesn't come in bowls.
Table three. Go.
Leave the rest to me.
Madam!
You've had your pre-dinner drink.
Now it's time for the main course.
Sir, you look hungry.
Fill your boots!
Sir, just a ladle bit for you.
And, madam, you'll be eating
out of the palm of my hand.
Tom, you can't serve food like this!
Of course.
I forgot the croutons!
Croutons!
Bon appetit!
I truly feel
at one with these incredible
insects.
If only I could
communicate with them directly.
This guy does realise
we're only matches, right?
- Someone should tell the prick.
- Oi, ***, we're matches!
What I wouldn't give
to know what they were saying.
All that stick insect slaughter
for nothing.
Tom!
Ben. Listen, mate
there's something I need
to tell you.
Me first. I've been studying
my stick insects all night
and working on this
Stick Evolution.
I have witnessed the development
of a new breed of stick insect.
They live in boxes.
They keep warm by striking their
heads against a wall.
And sometimes they will collect
together to make the model of a
ship.
I've finally achieved something
with my life.
I've never been happier.
Now, what was it you wanted to tell
me?
Oh
It doesn't matter.
Good work, mate.
All I want now is a bit of
recognition.
If only I knew a scientist,
then I could present my findings.
Yeah.
And if only there was a better way
to demonstrate to the wider world
my culinary ability.
And if only I could prove to Rachel
that I know all about her life
and her two best friends -
Helen, a biologist
at the National Science Institute,
and Amy, a respected restaurant
critic and Michelin judge.
Hmm
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Food fight!
We'll invite Rachel and her friends
for lunch tomorrow, right?
Ahh!
Better get started on my lecture.
But first things first -
breakfast.
We're out of Wagon Wheels!
Oh, well.
Guess I'll just have a
Ladies! Come on in!
Make yourselves comfortable!
Ah!
Take a seat.
Thanks for the invitation, Matthew,
although it was a bit creepy
to find this pinned to my front
door.
Anyway, let me introduce you.
This is Amy.
Who gave you a lift here
in her 1985 racing-red Porsche
Carrera,
a car that's worth over 40 grand.
Wow. Yeah.
OK, and this is Helen.
Helen, whose work
at the National Science Institute
recently led to the discovery
of a new species of British house
spider.
Yes, how did you know?
Know all about the Brown Shadow?
Which has distinctive yellow dots on
its back
and contains a rare and deadly
venom?
It's common knowledge.
Matthew, I'm a bit weirded out
By clowns.
Ever since one fell on you
at your tenth birthday party.
I must say, I haven't
been this impressed since you
went scuba diving on your gap year?
What?
Wow! He really knows
About you smoking crack in Thailand.
Well, food will be ready any minute
and you're all in
for a real culinary treat.
Oh, God!
That tastes like cat ***!
I'm going to check on the food.
In the meantime Ben!
Ben has made some fascinating
discoveries in the field of
insectology.
I've made some fascinating
discoveries, all right.
But I won't be needing these.
I am here today to talk about
betrayal!
Tom, what's going on?
I need a new secret ingredient.
And this cat *** certainly isn't
it.
It tastes exactly how you'd imagine.
Why aren't you sticking
to your signature dish?
I had a change of heart
about my secret ingredient.
I couldn't cook any more
of Ben's stick insects.
You've been cooking Ben's stick
insects? How could you?
Well, first you lightly grill them,
then you add a little pepper
Never mind, just make sure
this food is delicious -
we've all got a lot riding on this.
Tonight, the world of stick
will rise above the world of food!
Oh, God! What's he saying?
If only there was another insect
I could replace it with.
Ah-ha!
And when helpless innocents
are being snapped in two like twigs
and boiled alive?!
Revenge. Revenge!
Um thanks, Ben. Shall we adjourn
to the dining table?
What did he tell you?
I honestly have no idea.
Ladies!
This is my signature dish.
Hopefully, it is to die for!
You monster!
Now, Amy, I am open to criticism
so don't be afraid to give me
compliments,
rave reviews, a Michelin star.
Actually
this is really good.
It is?
Mmm!
Savages!
What's he doing?
Why is he chopping down a tree?
This tree will fall directly
on to the kitchen,
ending Tom's reign of tyranny.
Sometimes you have to chop down
a big stick to save some little
sticks.
- Oh, no!
- Timber!
***-balls!
Ah! Don't worry. He chopped the
wrong side.
It's fallen the other way. Ha!
Anyway, he didn't have to do that.
I'd stopped cooking with stick
insects.
So what's the new secret ingredient?
Well
I found another insect, a little
brown spider with yellow spots.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Um
I don't suppose anyone owns
a 1985 Porsche Carrera?
My car!
Oh, my God!
And, Tom! Brown and yellow spider?
You used a Brown Shadow!
And, according to the National
Science Institute, the Brown
Shadow
Contains a rare and deadly venom.
Is now the right time to ask
if you think I'm a good brother?
Well, that was the hospital.
Don't tell me - it's not as serious
as it first looked and they're going
to be fine.
No, no -
the venom liquidised their kidneys.
They're both in comas!
Anyway. Listen, mate, I'm sorry
about the whole stick insect thing.
Ah, it's fine.
In the end, you decided to put
a Michelin star second
and our friendship first.
Hey, you think Matthew and his
sister are going to be OK?
Do you know what?
I think they're going to be just
fine.
No, tell me, tell me, tell me
Well, Helen lied on her CV
about having a biology degree.
And Amy slept with Helen's
boyfriend.
Oh, I want all the details.
In fact, let's go for dinner next
week.
I don't think I can do next week.
Yeah, I'm socialising.
"Socialising"?
Hm. "Date Night."
Oh, wow. I'm impressed. Date Night?
Well, after the success
of Prune Afternoon
Did you manage to replace
those stick insects, Ben?
A new batch of my sticky pals
arrived today.
Hey, guys, what's for dinner?
You tell me, Michel
Roux-ining-our-food.
I've given up on fine dining.
From now on,
I'm all about fast food and snacks.
Ah! Twiglets!
No!