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Todd Hartley: When a woman is recovering from breast surgery, her body does not look the
same and how couples end up being distant or may be the guy does not want to engage
or does not find his wife attractive anymore. I want to tell you a story, I have done research
on this topic and I have been in room with women sharing their stories with me privately
that they do not even want to put on tape and I am familiar with how their husbands
do not want to touch them later. I am going to say a family member who I almost identified
somebody in the waiting room during the procedure at hospital last Friday and kind of cornered
me about how my wife's body is going to look different and how I need to be a man and not
be uncomfortable around it and naturally it is a wrong place and a wrong time for that
conversation, it felt very threatening for me and I am already aware of it, but can we
talk about what man go through and how man can mitigate it, may be how a couple together
can still find that sensuality and overlook the body changes.
Dr. Shapiro: Sure. I think that's a great question and I talked to. One of the things
I did in every interview for writing this book was asked about sex in every single interview
and I was surprised that virtually every couple was very open to having this conversation.
Here is the first thing I think, our sexuality is a lot more flexible than we often acknowledge
and realize. It's also in this culture, we are bombarded with a pretty stereotypic notion
of what sexuality ought to be and working with couples for years around sexuality, I
think we are a lot like stickleback fish, so stay with me. Stickleback fish do the same
mating ritual, *** ritual every single time. Imagine this, you could actually predict
where a fish is going to swim next and what is going to do next and couples are a lot
like that to. We do the same thing and the same pattern of treatment. We get into these
patterns over time and when cancer interrupts that pattern, often we go hands off. The first
thing we need I think is flexibility, a willingness to do things different and that means often
talking about it which is difficult. Second, our sexuality is really adaptable, consider
this for a minute. Heterosexual men in prison have sex with one another, think about that
for a minute and I know it is a little out there, but what does that mean? That means
that our sexuality is flexible. I am not talking about predators. I am talking about non-predatory
heterosexual men, having sex with one another when they are incarcerated for long periods
of time and this has been and you know known among soldiers through centuries too. We are
sexuality adapt and will overtime and generally while it first is an adjustment period while
you adjust everything to what is going through, the moods and everything else that sexuality
does rekindle itself and it's a matter of, you know reengaging and then being flexible
and if the is there and the physiology is there, eventually libido frequently returns
and then it is a matter of enjoying one another's bodies again.